BrianBee Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 So my ex and I broke up months ago, mostly because we argued off and on and she said she couldn't take the anxiety. We were best friends before we started a relationship and afterwards we stayed best friends. I do love her and I know she loves me but right now my goal is to become best friends once again. I'm not too worried about the dating part. Everything was going fine until a couple months ago when we got into a drunken argument and the next day she dropped me from facebook and told me never again. (I've heard this before and she hasn't meant it and frankly so have I) I know it was emotional blackmail so I gave her space and she gave me space and we ended up talking again. Problem is she still hasn't added me onto facebook and still has yet to go out to get a drink with me and I know she's been out. Two weekends ago I told her listen I want to go out and get a drink with you and she responded with that part of our friendship is over. Instead of losing it I said, listen I've given you time and space and I was hoping we could move forward and she basically nixed that idea. I felt she left me no choice but to say "If that part of our friendship is over forever then our friendship is over period. If we don't share the goal of moving forward then I need to move on" She responded with something defending her position and I just responded, "Goodbye". We haven't talked for two weeks as I've gone in no contact. I've blocked her from OC (we work at the same place but don't need to see each other more than randomly). She has yet to reach out via text or walking over to me. I hate this. I can see that she isn't happy either as she is looking at diets and other things to make herself feel better. The problem is, her birthday is next week. I got her a birthday card and I plan on giving it to her even through no contact. I still care about her and I know she still cares about me but I can't allow her to emotionally shut down on me. I feel like I've just given her even more reason to do so. What is my next step?
Skalabanan Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I could be way off the mark here but I think you fail to see the severity of your break up and how seriously she is taking it. I don't quite understand your offer of friendship and truth be known I don't think you do either. Becoming friends again after a break up is almost as hard if not harder than romantic reconciliation, it will take months even years to get to a point where your both content in each others company with no additional feelings attached. You also made some assumptions that just because you think its a good time for a drink she should be in agreement. Respect her and yourself and put some distance and space between the two of you, if you want her back in any form you have to accept shes gone. Work on yourself and make yourself better than whatever happens your in a good place.
Author BrianBee Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 I don't think you understand. SHE is the one who is dead set on being friends. I'm not out there looking for it. She wants me to be her best friend in every sense of the word other than actually doing things together other than talking. I still hear all the secrets she doesn't tell anyone and I'm still the one she lets her true emotions come out on. I just think if she wants to be friends so badly, and truth be told she is my best friend, then she shouldn't set up restrictions. And if she does need space, she should take it. I tried to give her that space and she said she never asked for it. She was literally mad at me for implying that I was giving her space and time instead of just being her friend. My problem is this word "never" she uses. I don't play well with that word. If she would say in the future or we'll see what happens, I could deal but not never. I know you are trying to help but did you ever consider that not every break up is something you need to drop the other person forever on. I understand the advantage of no contact but it needs to be used differently for different people. Some just need two weeks, some need a couple months and some need to put it on forever if the relationship was that bad. I'm not "giving up" on my best friend because we got into a fight or redefined our relationship. And what you failed to understand is neither did she. Why would I even try if she didn't want this?
portableversion Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 perhaps alcohol is a problem, maybe you ought to consider quitting drinking. it is a powerful substance many take for granted and it has destroyed the lives of many people. It was also integral in the downfall of the native american nations. I myself have started to goto aa. I never was much of a heavy drinker but the 12 step program is the ****. tough but good. 1
The_Face Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) Why the emphasis on getting drinks with her? Have you asked her if she wants to do something else? Something without alcohol? Maybe she's sketched out with the idea of drinking with you again because alcohol tends to make emotions feel stronger at times, especially when it comes to sexual feelings for somebody. And considering you two broke up only months ago, there still could be sexual feelings there, who knows. Feelings you should try to shake if you want to be friends. You still haven't specified how many months ago you broke up, exactly, and it may have an effect on where you two are at now in this attempt at friendship. Back to my guess on her reasoning for not wanting to drink with you anymore, being under the influence is also when alot of people tend to do things they regret. Not to mention, for two people prone to arguing, alcohol can greatly increase the chances of having further arguments, most of which will probably be much worse because of the alcohol. You mentioned getting into a drunken argument with her, where she said "never again" and you also mentioned how she's said that before and hasn't meant it. Could be she's starting to wise up to the patterns. What exactly do you mean by argue "off and on"? And how many of those arguments involve alcohol? Be honest. My advice: Quit pushing her to get a drink with you. Sounds like you don't need that anyway. If you really do want to be her friend, respect her wishes. Offer up some other idea for something that you two, as friends, could do with eachother. Or accept the fact that being friends doesn't need to mean hanging out. I have people I consider friends that I haven't talked to in years, but we know that we still care about eachother and consider eachother friends, even if things have changed in our lives. Then again, I've never done that with an ex. Good luck with all that. Hope anything I've said may have helped in some way. Edited September 2, 2012 by The_Face
geegirl Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 I have friends I don't talk to for weeks or sometimes months, and don't need to have drinks with in order to maintain a friendship. I don't place restrictions on my best friend nor does she. There's more to this than just seeking friendship. There's emotions and maybe that's not the best time to pursue a friendship because then you have to deal with certain "expectations". And when they're not met, you start to throw out ultimatums. Friendships aren't made that way. Try to dig deep and figure out motives and if this is really healthy for the two of you, at least for now. 1
TaraMaiden Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 As one Relationships counsellor once said to me: "Two words you should always avoid saying in an argument, and ensure you never use: ....'Always' and 'Never'. " 1
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