tbleb Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 i've been married for 6 years. my wife and i never really should have gotten married--not enough in common; don't have similar wants. especially when it comes to free time, mostly what makes me happy makes her miserable. and vice versa. i want a divorce. she doesn't. she wants me to change and be exactly what she would prefer, and sees this as work for me to do. doesn't matter that i completely disagree. i've compromised many important things to me to make her happy, and i'm comfortable with my effort in this relationship--i feel i've been more than fair. we have a 5 year old that i love more than anything. i would have left my wife long ago if it weren't for him. my wife and i do disagree while in his presence from time to time, but we don't have blow-out screaming matches and i can't say the environment is bad enough to where it's harming him and that he'd clearly be better off if we separated. my wife is trying, but from the start, i've always felt like The Mom of the family. she does help a lot (laundry; we both do his lunches; showers, etc.) but when it comes to the emotional needs, he comes to me. when it comes to common sense things (making sure he's properly dressed for the weather; making sure he's eating properly--my wife refuses to cook, so when she's in charge, it's fast food or pb&j), i can't rely on my wife. sometimes i swear she interacts with him like she's his cranky older sister, telling him to shutup and acting childish. so, i do worry that if we get divorced, he won't get what he needs when he's with her. i'm frustrated that neither my wife nor i are happy, yet she won't entertain the idea of separating. i've felt this way since shortly after getting married, so i know more time is not the solution. we have seen a counselor together in the past and i'm seeing one now on my own. i've only had a few sessions, but i get the feeling that my doc is feels that i'm wasting my time. i really respect my doctor, and feel strong when i leave an appt. because it gets me thinking about how my life would be if i did separate from my wife. but every conversation with her about splitting up ends up with her making the case that i'm simply not trying hard enough. i would love advice from anyone that's been through a similar situation. thanks
GuyInLimbo Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I'm a bit confused about your second to last sentence. Talking with your wife or your therapist always ends with "you're trying hard enough"? And I chuckle when I still see women who think they can change a guy... Either way, bro, you gotta get out. You sound like me. But you're only a few years behind and one less kid (not that that matters). And I'm just now coming to terms with the fact I need to get out myself. It's not easy when the kids are involved. Otherwise, it's much, much easier. Like many others, you are concerned with what happens to your son. Cheers to you! But, keep in mind, these little buggers are smart and they can sense when their parents are unhappy. I think what's tipped me over the edge is when I lose my temper with one or both of my kids. That anger is my boiling-over frustration over how unhappy I am and has nothing to do with them. And it's not good. I hate it and I feel so guilty about it. Your wife can't force you to stay. You can still file even if she doesn't want a divorce. 1
IamSecond Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I agree, if she is trying to change you, then she never really loved the real you. You don't have to stay married for the sake of your child, you will always be his father, no matter what. But you will be a better father as a happy one rather then someone trying to fit into a mold that is fake.
Author tbleb Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 I'm a bit confused about your second to last sentence. Talking with your wife or your therapist always ends with "you're trying hard enough"? my wife. i appreciate both responses. as objective as i feel i am, i realize when it comes to my own situation i need outside perspectives.
Author tbleb Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 my wife's been gone the last few days, and it's just been me and my son. i love it when it's just us. she just called me and said she can't wait to see us as she'll be home tonight. she's excited, and i feel bad for not looking forward to it. i need to find some strength to make a move because for some reason, i just feel unable to act.
GuyInLimbo Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 That's a crappy realization to have. Whenever I travel, or my wife does, the only people I miss are my kids. Yet another sign. 1
so_difficult Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 It's hard when you have a young child but it gets harder, not easier, as time goes on... especially if you end up having a moment of passion and another child. A five-year-old will more easily adapt than a 10-year-old. Do what's best for you and make it work for your child too. 1
Author tbleb Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 It's hard when you have a young child but it gets harder, not easier, as time goes on... especially if you end up having a moment of passion and another child. A five-year-old will more easily adapt than a 10-year-old. Do what's best for you and make it work for your child too. really appreciate this. as much sense as it makes, i think some people assume the opposite. now i'm sure i'm not going to have another child (should impossible to have such as accident after an upcoming, scheduled procedure), but sound advice nevertheless. thanks. as i gather the courage to do what i know i need to and things start moving along, i will likely be asking for more advice. happy i found this place
NewStart2011 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I'm a woman and I don't understand other women who try to change their husbands. You will never be happy with someone who you can't be yourself with. I also endured an unhappy marriage for many years for the sake of my child. I thought I was doing the right thing for my child by staying married to his father. I see now that if I had been happier all these years, I could have been a better mother. I had lost so much of myself when I was married to him; I became just a "shell"of the person that I used to be and felt like my life was over and that there was nothing to look forward to. Save yourself from this hell you're living in! I've been divorced for about a year, and I truly feel like a whole new person. I've gone back to being the person that I enjoy being, and only tolerate people who appreciate me for ME. 2
the ill-made knight Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I'll ask you straight out, why did you marry your wife? What was it about her that you loved? What type of things did the two of you do together before that you enjoyed? Are you unhappy with your wife or are you unhappy with the life the two of you have together? At the end of the day, I think deep down you know what's right for you. I'm no advocate for divorce and I believe especially when children are involved it should be a last resort, but for a marriage to work both parties have to be willing, able, and on the same page. She shouldn't ask you only to compromise, but be willing to compromise herself as well as accept you as you are. 1
Author tbleb Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 (edited) NewStart2011-- thanks for your first-hand insight. how you feel is how i have hoped things would be for me if i make a move...it's encouraging to hear that it is the right thing for others in similar situations. this is the encouragement i realize i need! I'll ask you straight out, why did you marry your wife? What was it about her that you loved? What type of things did the two of you do together before that you enjoyed? Are you unhappy with your wife or are you unhappy with the life the two of you have together? i married her for the opposite reason for what i feel now--while dating, and being 100% myself, we got along great and had great times. we lived together for a little while before marriage, and still things were mostly very good. it was a lot of 2 folks going and doing whatever they wanted. we weren't married long before she became pregnant, and i honestly had no indication as to the type of parent she would be. not just with being frustrated with me not always wanting to do what she wanted, but also i had no idea of the lack of common sense she would have with our child. basic stuff like not dressing him properly when it's cold and feeding him complete crap because she refuses to cook (pb & j and hot dogs is the ceiling here--i do most of the cooking). but tbh with myself, there really wasn't enough there imo for us to have gotten married when we did. i know she is a good person at heart that means no harm to others, but i honestly didn't love enough about her to make the jump to marriage. she pushed to get married sooner than i wanted, and i did nothing to stop it. she pushed us to have a child sooner than i wanted, and i did nothing to stop it. on both counts i simply rationalized that things would get better and that i didn't want deal with the pain of resisting. very stupid on my part and i know that if at the same time i had a friend going through the same thing, i would have advised them to do differently than i did. to answer the last question, i am mostly unhappy with the life we share. i have hopes that if/when we split, we can maintain a good working relationship as our son's parents. Edited September 7, 2012 by tbleb added last paragraph
strongnrelaxed Posted September 7, 2012 Posted September 7, 2012 It seems like you know that the right thing to do is to get out. What I am seeing in the responses is that you should get out. I had a different situation, but I too made many changes and compromises along the way. This was a huge mistake. It sounded so wrong to me all those years ago when older men told me to "stay true to yourself" and "don't let her change you" and "never compromise" It sounds cruddy, doesn't it? Well you and I are living proof that it is better in the long run to be strong and relaxed about who you are. Work hard, make money, be a good father, have interests. If she cannot get with that, kick her @ss out. You are a strong man and you must make your own way in life. There are growing numbers of women who understand what this means, but too many are still ignorant about what it means to be truly accountable for anything. Too often they act like spoiled brats and ask you to do more housework, shut up, dress like this, do that... It is all nonsense. Strong men have women problems, but much less than weaker men. Their women understand them and these men choose well. So do the women. They tend to stay married longer and be happier. The rest? Well, that's another story. Get yourself strong. Do good things. Any woman who you invite into your life in the future should either get with you and your plan or move on. It is only fair to get this right out at the start (not the first date, but soon). Good luck 1
Author tbleb Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 strongnrelaxed - thanks for this. my dad left my mom and it was very hard on her--permanent effect still seen today. my shrink feels i am having so much trouble leaving because subconsciously i don't want to do the same to my wife. more and more i think my increased happiness in a split-up situation would have a positive impact on my child, but i worry that the effects on my wife would have a negative effect and i worry how that would impact him when he's with her alone.
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