VanillaTinkie Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Hi all, I have been lurking on this board for a couple of months now and I guess it's finally time for me to step back, tell my story and hope that some of you can give me some guidance on how to proceed with this situation. Brief history I started dating my ex end of November 2008, it initially started as a rebound relationship for me but soon developed into something very special. I was 21 back then and loved the party scene, however due to my insecurities and the fear of being alone resulted me in always rebounding whenever a relationship was starting to go south. At first the ex and I didn't click very well as our very first date was a disaster, however I thought I should give it another try since he looked decent and was financially stable. Anyhow as time passed by I fell deeply in love with this man as he had everything that a woman would desire. Unfortunately I was so damaged from my previous relationships that I couldn't provide him the emotional support, respect and love that he deserved. He wanted us to go for counseling but I refused as I knew deep down the faults are with me so we just worked through the Five Love languages book and hoped for the best. Things went well for another few months and he secretly started planning an engagement and even had a custom ring box made. I think I had GIGS for a few months as I felt a bit bored in the relationship and allowed a friend sexting me in which the ex found out and confronted me. He was so upset that I remembered him sitting on the edge of the bed looking out the window and told me that I should tell my friend that he cost me my engagement. He showed me the ring, the box and told me how he planned the proposal. He continued to climb in bed with his face turned away from me and went to sleep, I just laid there crying my eyes out. The following day I deleted my friend from facebook and whatsapp and made amends with my ex and even though we didn't breakup, he said the proposal was postponed indefinitely. I noticed that he took my photos of from his bedroom wall and his desk at work and asked him why in which he told me that I broke his trust and that it will take time for him to fully forgive me. 2 months passed and in December he decided he want to have a break for a few months so we can meet new people and see whether we are really meant for each other. The break only lasted for a month and we got back together however he hinted a lot that we should meet new people or be friends and start from scratch. I thought this is like a sugar coated way of him telling me that a breakup is inevitable and is giving me time to find someone new. So I started partying again and found what I thought is love and started cheating on my ex. In April I broke up with my ex and got engaged 6 weeks after the breakup to my fiance, never heard from my ex again. It's been 4 months and no word from him and I am starting to wonder what he is up to and whether he is enjoying his new job and apartment. I still love my ex and care for him, but I am very much in love with my fiance. I have been reading a lot about these kinds of relationships and I am dead scared that I am only infatuated on my fiance for his social status Comparing my ex to my fiance, well my ex would be a great husband and father someday and is an amazing love but my fiance is so much more fun and outgoing. To me it feels I am losing something great for something that will give me temporarily satisfaction, but it also feels that I have lost my chance to fix things with my ex.
Radu Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 You are using this guy as a rebound and you know this. Your ex did the right thing initially ... when he decided to postpone the engagement. So, for how long have you had low self-esteem ? PS: You should have gone to therapy when he suggested, you would be with him right now. 1
Author VanillaTinkie Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 You are using this guy as a rebound and you know this. Your ex did the right thing initially ... when he decided to postpone the engagement. So, for how long have you had low self-esteem ? PS: You should have gone to therapy when he suggested, you would be with him right now. Since childhood as I was overweight and had freckles, now I just hide the freckles with makeup and have lost the weight. Am I delusional to think that my ex will try to win me back? So confused...
Mike_d Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Am I delusional to think that my ex will try to win me back? So confused... so does your current fiance know that you harbor this level of feelings for your ex? you have a fiance. you are getting married. why in the wide wide world of sports do you care in any way about your ex winning you back? what is there to be confused about? something is waaay wrong in puppetland here 1
Drseussgrrl Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 You need to be alone. No more engagements, rebounds, cheating, and regrets. Completely alone for ONE YEAR. Get yourself back on your own two feet emotionally and financially. It won't be until you clear out all of this other garbage that you'll ever hope to find a true and lasting relationship where both people are in it with both feet looking forward. Also, I can't believe you've been engaged to two different men in this short of a time span. Do you even know what the responsibility of marriage is?
Author VanillaTinkie Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 so does your current fiance know that you harbor this level of feelings for your ex? you have a fiance. you are getting married. why in the wide wide world of sports do you care in any way about your ex winning you back? what is there to be confused about? something is waaay wrong in puppetland here Yes he is aware that I still have feelings for my ex and he keeps assuring me that my ex is toxic and I deserve better, but it's ironic since I was the one causing the drama and cheating on my ex :/ You need to be alone. No more engagements, rebounds, cheating, and regrets. Completely alone for ONE YEAR. Get yourself back on your own two feet emotionally and financially. It won't be until you clear out all of this other garbage that you'll ever hope to find a true and lasting relationship where both people are in it with both feet looking forward. Also, I can't believe you've been engaged to two different men in this short of a time span. Do you even know what the responsibility of marriage is? I want to but the fear of being alone is so overwhelming and I feel I am wasting my prime years away in finding a good guy to settle down with. Think I should take a break myself and go for therapy, but then again what do I tell the fiance?
Mike_d Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 if I was your fiance I'd definitely want to know that your feelings look like this. you owe him a very honest conversation before you ruin his life, sounds like you've been less than honest with him in prob more places than just this.
Mike_d Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Yes he is aware that I still have feelings for my ex and he keeps assuring me that my ex is toxic and I deserve better, but it's ironic since I was the one causing the drama and cheating on my ex so you've specifically said the words "I'm confused honey, you're great and fun, but I struggle with the idea of being without a man in my life, and I'm confused as to why my ex isn't fighting for me because I feel I am losing something great by not being with him for something that will give me temporarily satisfaction, marriage, with you" - you've said this exact thing, what you've shared with us here, you've said this to him?
Drseussgrrl Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 You were 21 in 2008 and you're afraid of not being able to settle down? Is this a joke?? Hun, I'm 33 and just now starting to have the time of my life. In fact - MANY people in my area are my age and single. A husband will show up or he won't, but it's not the end-all, be-all. So if you don't find a husband by a certain time, then what? You're going to roll over and die? Are you with your current fiance out of fear of being alone? This is a horrible reason to get married and will most certainly end in divorce. Honestly I can't really believe what I'm reading. 2
Crila16 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 You don't have GIGS. You just were never in love with your ex. The writing is on the wall and yes, it's really that simple. You wanted to be, but you weren't. When things were good, you strayed. You weren't fulfilled by him. He bored you. Just because he'd make a great husband and father...doesn't mean he'd make a great husband and partner for you. The reason you're thinking about him now, is because you only broke up in April. He's on your mind, because you're wondering as you get closer to your current wedding date...whether you made the right decision. I personally think your current fiance may be a bit of a rebound if you only got engaged 6 weeks after a breakup with the ex. That is not a woman in love. I just know one thing, when you walk down that aisle...there shouldn't be another single person on your mind. Did it ever occur to you that maybe neither of these guys are the right one for you and you're settling, because they're just nice guys? I could be wrong, because I don't know your relationship with the fiance...but the reason you may have what you think is GIGS...is because neither of them fit exactly what you're looking for.
CptSaveAho Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) You don't have GIGS. You just were never in love with your ex. The writing is on the wall and yes, it's really that simple. You wanted to be, but you weren't. When things were good, you strayed. You weren't fulfilled by him. He bored you. Just because he'd make a great husband and father...doesn't mean he'd make a great husband and partner for you. The reason you're thinking about him now, is because you only broke up in April. He's on your mind, because you're wondering as you get closer to your current wedding date...whether you made the right decision. I personally think your current fiance may be a bit of a rebound if you only got engaged 6 weeks after a breakup with the ex. That is not a woman in love. I just know one thing, when you walk down that aisle...there shouldn't be another single person on your mind. Did it ever occur to you that maybe neither of these guys are the right one for you and you're settling, because they're just nice guys? I could be wrong, because I don't know your relationship with the fiance...but the reason you may have what you think is GIGS...is because neither of them fit exactly what you're looking for. Wrong... Shes a gigser... still in gigs land Her posts are a mindset of a person in GIGS. Funny thing about it... Its all TALK (this is where breadcrumbs come into play) and why people are so confused when they get one Have fun Vanilla! Edited August 30, 2012 by CptSaveAho
Radu Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) Since childhood as I was overweight and had freckles, now I just hide the freckles with makeup and have lost the weight. Am I delusional to think that my ex will try to win me back? So confused... I don't know. His actions display both high self-esteem and low self-esteem. If he has low self-esteem, he will try to get back with you. You know why i asked the low self-esteem question ? Because 6 weeks after the breakup you are engaged, because you sabotaged your last relationship. Do you have a history of backtoback relationships or was there at some point a longer time in-between relationships ? Nvm : I want to but the fear of being alone is so overwhelming and I feel I am wasting my prime years away in finding a good guy to settle down with. Think I should take a break myself and go for therapy, but then again what do I tell the fiance? Yes, go into therapy, fix yourself now because you will sabotage yourself in future relationships. And i hope you figured it out ... this relationship is not real. There is one bright thing about this, you admit it to yourself by posting this here. Edited August 30, 2012 by Radu
Author VanillaTinkie Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 so you've specifically said the words "I'm confused honey, you're great and fun, but I struggle with the idea of being without a man in my life, and I'm confused as to why my ex isn't fighting for me because I feel I am losing something great by not being with him for something that will give me temporarily satisfaction, marriage, with you" - you've said this exact thing, what you've shared with us here, you've said this to him? No I have not and this is why I have decided to share this with you all so I can get a better perspective on what I should be doing. You were 21 in 2008 and you're afraid of not being able to settle down? Is this a joke?? Hun, I'm 33 and just now starting to have the time of my life. In fact - MANY people in my area are my age and single. A husband will show up or he won't, but it's not the end-all, be-all. So if you don't find a husband by a certain time, then what? You're going to roll over and die? Are you with your current fiance out of fear of being alone? This is a horrible reason to get married and will most certainly end in divorce. Honestly I can't really believe what I'm reading. I am just afraid by the time that I hit 30 that I will no longer be desirable to men and that I have lost my best chance to find someone decent. I know it sounds a bit shallow but it's one of my biggest insecurities that I have. You don't have GIGS. You just were never in love with your ex. The writing is on the wall and yes, it's really that simple. You wanted to be, but you weren't. When things were good, you strayed. You weren't fulfilled by him. He bored you. Just because he'd make a great husband and father...doesn't mean he'd make a great husband and partner for you. The reason you're thinking about him now, is because you only broke up in April. He's on your mind, because you're wondering as you get closer to your current wedding date...whether you made the right decision. I personally think your current fiance may be a bit of a rebound if you only got engaged 6 weeks after a breakup with the ex. That is not a woman in love. I just know one thing, when you walk down that aisle...there shouldn't be another single person on your mind. Did it ever occur to you that maybe neither of these guys are the right one for you and you're settling, because they're just nice guys? I could be wrong, because I don't know your relationship with the fiance...but the reason you may have what you think is GIGS...is because neither of them fit exactly what you're looking for. You are right neither of them are a perfect match, but both of them possess unique qualities that I admire and would love to have in a husband. I am not fond of horoscopes but according to that my ex and I(Me sag and him cancer) is not a good match however the fiance(gemini) and I are more compatible. How do one really know when you have met the right guy?
GorillaTheater Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 How do one really know when you have met the right guy? When you aren't agonizing over whether to marry him or try to get back together with an ex. 2
Author VanillaTinkie Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 I don't know. His actions display both high self-esteem and low self-esteem. If he has low self-esteem, he will try to get back with you. You know why i asked the low self-esteem question ? Because 6 weeks after the breakup you are engaged, because you sabotaged your last relationship. Do you have a history of backtoback relationships or was there at some point a longer time in-between relationships ? Nvm : Yes, go into therapy, fix yourself now because you will sabotage yourself in future relationships. And i hope you figured it out ... this relationship is not real. There is one bright thing about this, you admit it to yourself by posting this here. Yes I have quite a history of short relationships going back to back. He was my first real long term relationship and the first guy that I thought I could spend my future with.
Crila16 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 You know you've met the right guy when you don't have to ask. When the person gets down on one knee, proposes and you say YES before he even opens the box. It's someone your with with there are no questions or doubts in your mind. That's how you know. You could just settle and hope you grow to love, but being alone is better than being in a boring dead relationship. My ex that I broke up with for 3 years...I liked him, but never loved him I realized. It was a constant...he's so great...why can't i just love him. I've been in love before. I know what it's like and I'm not settling for less...otherwise, I'll just never marry. I'm not going to get myself into a marriage with a guy that I only like a whole lot, only for the right guy to come along and I have to give him up because I'm unavailable. That wouldn't be fair to me or the guy I was married to. I'm also a Sag and I can tell you now, we are the bachelor sign. We like our freedom and space. We tend to like non-possessive men...but always seem to find possessive me, because they're trying to cage us. We're a challenge...and we're a lot of fun too.
Author VanillaTinkie Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 You know you've met the right guy when you don't have to ask. When the person gets down on one knee, proposes and you say YES before he even opens the box. It's someone your with with there are no questions or doubts in your mind. That's how you know. You could just settle and hope you grow to love, but being alone is better than being in a boring dead relationship. My ex that I broke up with for 3 years...I liked him, but never loved him I realized. It was a constant...he's so great...why can't i just love him. I've been in love before. I know what it's like and I'm not settling for less...otherwise, I'll just never marry. I'm not going to get myself into a marriage with a guy that I only like a whole lot, only for the right guy to come along and I have to give him up because I'm unavailable. That wouldn't be fair to me or the guy I was married to. I'm also a Sag and I can tell you now, we are the bachelor sign. We like our freedom and space. We tend to like non-possessive men...but always seem to find possessive me, because they're trying to cage us. We're a challenge...and we're a lot of fun too. Exactly!! I love how you have put things in perspective. Think for the time being I will call the engagement off and tell him that I want to heal and build a solid foundation first as friends and take it from there whilst going to therapy. Though how do I handle these strong feelings for the ex? Obviously he has no desire to contact me as he deleted me from everything, but I still need to find closure or something at least to put my mind at ease.
Crila16 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 You have to put your feelings for your ex into perspective. You're not in love with him...you subconsiously are challenged by the fact that he gave you up so easily and has cut you off. It was a challenge...and we like challenges. He's also a Cancer...and Cancer's think don't like getting hurt. They cut you off. They take things seriously. I'm not saying that some of your feelings for him aren't real, but I think, trapping yourself into this engagement with the new guy has brought up feelings as an internal escape route, even if it wasn't a physical escape route. You don't want to get married and you're not ready. You know it, I know it...you just need to say it out loud and stop trying to ignore it. Once you're free again...the feelings for the ex will fade. Also, being apart from him, you've kinda built up your feelings and the relationship in your mind to more than it was when you were actually with him. You were bored. You said it yourself. You also cheated...that's not a woman in love. That's a woman who wasn't emotionally fulfilled. I know you've been in relationship, right into the next relationship...and I know that you don't know where heart belongs. It's nice to have someone. Being alone sucks...but it's also the only way you can find the right guy in a healthy way. You end up only having yourself to focus on (which is scary) instead of hiding behind feelings for a man and focusing on that. You're scared to give that up...feeling something for someone. You're used to it. Buy a puppy...it's less work (just kidding). 1
Author VanillaTinkie Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 You have to put your feelings for your ex into perspective. You're not in love with him...you subconsiously are challenged by the fact that he gave you up so easily and has cut you off. It was a challenge...and we like challenges. He's also a Cancer...and Cancer's think don't like getting hurt. They cut you off. They take things seriously. I'm not saying that some of your feelings for him aren't real, but I think, trapping yourself into this engagement with the new guy has brought up feelings as an internal escape route, even if it wasn't a physical escape route. You don't want to get married and you're not ready. You know it, I know it...you just need to say it out loud and stop trying to ignore it. Once you're free again...the feelings for the ex will fade. Also, being apart from him, you've kinda built up your feelings and the relationship in your mind to more than it was when you were actually with him. You were bored. You said it yourself. You also cheated...that's not a woman in love. That's a woman who wasn't emotionally fulfilled. I know you've been in relationship, right into the next relationship...and I know that you don't know where heart belongs. It's nice to have someone. Being alone sucks...but it's also the only way you can find the right guy in a healthy way. You end up only having yourself to focus on (which is scary) instead of hiding behind feelings for a man and focusing on that. You're scared to give that up...feeling something for someone. You're used to it. Buy a puppy...it's less work (just kidding). I hope you don't mind but I am so going to print this out and read it when those feelings for my ex reappear. This is exactly what I needed to hear, although not fun knowing that I have to breakup the engagement but that my happiness should not be based on others but on myself.
Standard-Fare Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Before you even think about what to do about your situation with your ex, for the love of God break off this engagement. You're not ready, for so many reasons. I don't know what your past is with the fiancee, but if you've really only been together six weeks (and those weeks were right after you broke up with your ex) -- that's just NOT enough time. Not for you, but also not for anyone. Add on top of that your confusing situation with the ex and you have an absolute disaster. You seem in a real rush to get married -- step back and question why that is. A ring on your finger and a legal document is not going to be some dramatic transformation of your day-to-day reality. It's not going to resolve your confusions. Talk with the fiancee, tell him you think you guys have rushed into the engagement and that you should just DATE for a while and see how it goes. That doesn't mean marriage is out of the question for the future, but there is seriously no reason to rush blindly into it for the sake of drama.
escafeld Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I am just afraid by the time that I hit 30 that I will no longer be desirable to men and that I have lost my best chance to find someone decent. I know it sounds a bit shallow but it's one of my biggest insecurities that I have. You have to be desireable to yourself before you can be desireable to others. As others have said you should try to develop yourself without the emotional crutch of being in a relationship.
veggirl Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 did I read correctly? you got engaged to a man after only dating for 6 weeks?
KatZee Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 did I read correctly? you got engaged to a man after only dating for 6 weeks? And everyone wonders why the divorce rate is as high as it is. Good Lord OP, please postpone or cancel this engagement, you are in NO way ready for a marriage. How do you go from being "in love" with one person, to "in love" with another 6 weeks later, and engaged? I doubt you've ever truly felt what real love is. Rebounding and going from guy to guy to guy isn't love, it's a fear of being alone.
veggirl Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 And everyone wonders why the divorce rate is as high as it is. Good Lord OP, please postpone or cancel this engagement, you are in NO way ready for a marriage. How do you go from being "in love" with one person, to "in love" with another 6 weeks later, and engaged? I doubt you've ever truly felt what real love is. Rebounding and going from guy to guy to guy isn't love, it's a fear of being alone. I honestly was like wait I missed something, but I guess I didn't... wow. Yeah. OP, you desperately need to be single.
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