clownface204 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) I've been in a same sex relationship for about 15 years. I have been unhappy for a few years now and am trying to get out. I've also been trying to convince myself that things are better than they are. Even tho we have some common ground we share few common interests. Our goals are not the same. But we also have few goals personally and as a couple. I've always wanted a more monogamous loving relationship but there was always a suspicion of infidelity. After about 10 years he started to tell me he loved me. I stopped being able to say it back. There was always a feeling in my gut stopping me. Eventually a few cheatings on his part came to light. Including a famous one last Halloween when we ran into an old friend of my partners. He introduced me as his bf and the friend lit up with excitement that my partner has a bf now. It came up thru conversation that they'd been friends for over 10 years, mostly online. And the friends bf asked me how long we'd been together. When I said about 14 years his face dropped. Apparently I was news to them. A friend of over ten years. I knew my bf had alot of online guys friends and few of them knew of me. He always said that he felt it was non e of their business if he was single or not because they didn't mean anything to him and he liked his privacy. that never sat well with me. Everyone I met always asked my status and I always told them I wasn't single. I would snoop once in awhile and find emails and chats from guys that sounded too sexy and some had discussions of meeting etc. I know snooping was wrong. The bf always told me that sex meant nothing and that I was who he wanted to come home to. I felt sex was an important part of a relationship and still do. I don't agree that secret sex is ok. I stopped feeling sexual towards him for a long time. Again that nagging inside me. And thru this all I stayed with him. Except that I moved back to my parents place after the business failed. He has asked me to live with him and I keep finding excuses to avoid it. I rarely felt excited and that it was the right thing. Shouldn't those feelings of wanting to be together like that come naturally? I agreed to being in an open relationship in the last 2 or 3 years because I felt like it was the only way to make it work and that he would be more honest with me. He didn't become more honest, just kept pushing me to go out and fool around with someone. I tried to have a fling but while it seemed like it could be fun for me to have some physical releif I really didn't have enough interest to bother trying too hard. I became bored and cranky of our time together, felt unfulfilled and disappointed with myself for being so reliant on him and for have low self esteem. Fast forward thru more of the same. I am stuck wondering if it's worth trying to salvage the relationship. Partly because of the amount of time we've known each other. Thinking maybe we could become friends again and go from there. But now that it's on the rocks he has become honest with me about his sexcapades. He's been having sex only flings thru the whole relationship. He always played like he was so inexperienced and was quite frankly a poor lover with me. It was all about just getting off. No foreplay, very little sensual touch and I just never felt like I lit his fire visually even tho he tells me otherwise. Now I've been told that he's has some regulars in the past year including a 3some. He attended an orgy at some point, he wont tell me when. and even tho I broke his heart telling him that I think it might be time to split he still had the energy to play with 2 more guys 3 weeks ago. I should feel furious but I really feel kind of numb about it all. Maybe because I have always known on the inside and just got used to it. Maybe I just don't care anymore. My lack of feeling surprises me. I still wrestle with thoughts of what am I losing. He is very generous and likes to take care of me and make sure that I am safe after but then he's got that other side of him I hate and want away from. Is it cheating if you basically agreed to it? Does infidelity matter if he still says he loves only me and the others are purely physical? I know my self worth and confidence have been chipped away over the years despite him also supporting me in alot of other ways. I trust him as a person but not as a partner. It just all feels so unbalanced and confusing. I keep feeling guilty that I am breaking his heart. Is there even a point in trying to think we could be just friends at this stage of things? The infidelity is only a part of our problems mutual and otherwise, but it is the most common one. Am I just afraid of going it solo because I've been with him for so long? I feel lost and that I don't know who I am half the time or what I am capable of. I'm tired of it and the feeling of weight on my spirit concerning the relationship. Some simple joy and easy company would be so much more welcome in my life. Is it possible to have a positive ending? Anyway thanks for listening, any advise or response is welcome as my own brain is taxed for sense right now. Edited August 30, 2012 by clownface204
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