Can't deal with this

[LostGirl11]

I really can't think straight so I'm sorry if this thread seems a bit messed up.

 

Ok, so I guess I need to call him my ex...

 

Me and my ex lived quite a distance away from eachother but it was never an issue to eaither of us. We loved eachother and that was all that mattered to us. We hadn't seen eachother for a while but we spoke on the phone everyday and text all day. Anyway, he went on holiday for a week and the day he got back I was going on my holiday, at this point we were really missing eachother but we were still getting on fine. He asked me to go to see him after my holiday which I obviously said yes to!! So all through my holiday we were both really excited about me going to see him, made plans ect. As soon as I got home from my holiday I washed all my clothes and fired up the laptop to book my ticket. I only had two choices of journeys, I could sit on a coatch for 6 hours or I could just wait until monday and travel for just 3 hours. Please bare in mind that I suffer from bad travel sickness and he knew this! I told him that I will be coming on monday thinking he would be fine with it! Yeah right! He went mental on me! Said that I didn't keep my promise ect! I tried my hardest through the shock to explain that I'd feel like utter crap by the time I'd get to him if I got the 6 hour one. But no. He told me not to bother, told me that I wasn't welcome and how he will never contact me again and that he is going to smash up his phone so I can't contact him. (Which he did infact do)

So now I'm left feeling like this. Sick! I can't even think! I can't stop crying. I know this will sound stupid but I don't even want to be here anymore. I actually can't deal with the pain. Everything feels so alian. I don't understand how he could just cut me out of his life like that! I've always known that he has anger issues and he doesn't react well if things don't go his way but I didn't think he was that bad.

 

I'm pretty much dead to him arent I?

[chuzzbug]

Whether you are dead to him is one question.

 

Another, and more important to you, is whether he is the man you think he is, or was.

 

The person that loves you would spare you from the 6 hour trip. In fact, if he really loved you, he would come to see you for the weekend, and then take the 3 hour trip back to his place with you on Monday.

 

He sounds selfish, impetuous, moody and disrespectful. You were aware of his anger issues, and clearly he is capable of outbursts far greater than you imagined, or allowed yourself to imagine.

 

From the story, it sounds like he no longer wants to continue this relationship. He gave you no reason - his actions used your trip as a poor excuse. The real reason is immaterial - he treated you like crap, something you should never accept.

 

I know it hurts immeasurably to be in your position. One thing that can give you perspective is to consider that your image of the man you knew and are pining for is not actually who he is.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I really can't think straight so I'm sorry if this thread seems a bit messed up.

 

Ok, so I guess I need to call him my ex...

 

Me and my ex lived quite a distance away from eachother but it was never an issue to eaither of us. We loved eachother and that was all that mattered to us. We hadn't seen eachother for a while but we spoke on the phone everyday and text all day. Anyway, he went on holiday for a week and the day he got back I was going on my holiday, at this point we were really missing eachother but we were still getting on fine. He asked me to go to see him after my holiday which I obviously said yes to!! So all through my holiday we were both really excited about me going to see him, made plans ect. As soon as I got home from my holiday I washed all my clothes and fired up the laptop to book my ticket. I only had two choices of journeys, I could sit on a coatch for 6 hours or I could just wait until monday and travel for just 3 hours. Please bare in mind that I suffer from bad travel sickness and he knew this! I told him that I will be coming on monday thinking he would be fine with it! Yeah right! He went mental on me! Said that I didn't keep my promise ect! I tried my hardest through the shock to explain that I'd feel like utter crap by the time I'd get to him if I got the 6 hour one. But no. He told me not to bother, told me that I wasn't welcome and how he will never contact me again and that he is going to smash up his phone so I can't contact him. (Which he did infact do)

So now I'm left feeling like this. Sick! I can't even think! I can't stop crying. I know this will sound stupid but I don't even want to be here anymore. I actually can't deal with the pain. Everything feels so alian. I don't understand how he could just cut me out of his life like that! I've always known that he has anger issues and he doesn't react well if things don't go his way but I didn't think he was that bad.

 

I'm pretty much dead to him arent I?

Wow. He sounds like a smacked ass. He smashes his phone like a big baby. No, you're not dead to him; he will apologize most likely==many abusers do and round and round you go. Find someone that's balanced. Tell Douchey McDoucherson it's over.

[exit82]

you dodged a bullet girl- read what you posted and thank your lucky stars you didn't meet up with him

[RachaelSwerk]

Oh wow! I'm so sorry to hear what you're going thru! How long were you two together? If it was long I really doubt that you would be dead to him. He sounds like a crybaby to me!

[LostGirl11]

Wow. He sounds like a smacked ass. He smashes his phone like a big baby. No, you're not dead to him; he will apologize most likely==many abusers do and round and round you go. Find someone that's balanced. Tell Douchey McDoucherson it's over.

 

He won't, he is far too stubborn and he thinks he is in the right. It's horrible to know that he smashed up his phone just so I couldn't contact him. Makes me feel pretty worthless. He must really hate me...

[LostGirl11]

Oh wow! I'm so sorry to hear what you're going thru! How long were you two together? If it was long I really doubt that you would be dead to him. He sounds like a crybaby to me!

 

Yep, he is a cry baby. I knew that from the very start so I only have myself to blame really

[LostGirl11]

you dodged a bullet girl- read what you posted and thank your lucky stars you didn't meet up with him

 

I keep trying to tell myself this but it's failing to make me feel any better. Everything feels so alian! Just silly little things, like he would normally call at 11 everynight and I'd look forward to it and go to bed a happy girl. Now my night is dragging everytime it gets to 11 and I'm going to bed sobbing my heart out

[LostGirl11]

Whether you are dead to him is one question.

 

Another, and more important to you, is whether he is the man you think he is, or was.

 

The person that loves you would spare you from the 6 hour trip. In fact, if he really loved you, he would come to see you for the weekend, and then take the 3 hour trip back to his place with you on Monday.

 

He sounds selfish, impetuous, moody and disrespectful. You were aware of his anger issues, and clearly he is capable of outbursts far greater than you imagined, or allowed yourself to imagine.

 

From the story, it sounds like he no longer wants to continue this relationship. He gave you no reason - his actions used your trip as a poor excuse. The real reason is immaterial - he treated you like crap, something you should never accept.

 

I know it hurts immeasurably to be in your position. One thing that can give you perspective is to consider that your image of the man you knew and are pining for is not actually who he is.

 

Everything you say rings true. Thank you. It's just hard to remember the bad things when you're heartbroken I guess?

[geegirl]

Everything you say rings true. Thank you. It's just hard to remember the bad things when you're heartbroken I guess?

 

Yes, it is hard to remember the bad when you are emotional and still in love with the person.

 

If I knew someone was coming all this way to see me, I'd be grateful for them taking the time, effort and money in wanting to see me. Rather than smash, break and cut you from their life. Let him get his ass up there to see you if he's upset that you can't get to him soon enough! Judging from his behavior, it almost seems like he was looking for an escape route. Can't imagine any sane person breaking up over that.

 

He obviously is emotionally immature and has anger issues. I know you miss him and that is something you have to deal with and barrel through because if you want to go back, your relationship is always going to be volatile and one-sided because this is who he will always be. stomach the temporary pain and seek better or go back to what is comfortable because you believe this is what you deserve.

 

And trust me, once this big baby gets over his tantrum, he's going to want his toys again. It's up to you to figure out whether you can deal with another outburst when things aren't going his way.

[LostGirl11]

Yes, it is hard to remember the bad when you are emotional and still in love with the person.

 

If I knew someone was coming all this way to see me, I'd be grateful for them taking the time, effort and money in wanting to see me. Rather than smash, break and cut you from their life. Let him get his ass up there to see you if he's upset that you can't get to him soon enough! Judging from his behavior, it almost seems like he was looking for an escape route. Can't imagine any sane person breaking up over that.

 

He obviously is emotionally immature and has anger issues. I know you miss him and that is something you have to deal with and barrel through because if you want to go back, your relationship is always going to be volatile and one-sided because this is who he will always be. stomach the temporary pain and seek better or go back to what is comfortable because you believe this is what you deserve.

 

And trust me, once this big baby gets over his tantrum, he's going to want his toys again. It's up to you to figure out whether you can deal with another outburst when things aren't going his way.

 

 

Thank you geegirl. You've hit the nail on the head. Our relationship was always volatile, which drained me. I was always scared to say anything incase he spat his dummy out, but the thing is, he has nobody and I kind of feel sorry for him. To be honest I think this is pretty much it, he actually called me and 'Told' me to go up to see him! He was so rude about it and I could tell he was still very angry so I told him that I'll come in a few days after he has cooled off. You guessed it, he flipped! I don't know, maybe I was in the wrong to suggest him cooling off? So anyway, he told me to never contact him and hung up. I have been texting him and all I get back it 'F**k off' or 'Get f**ked' He is acting like I've killed somebody! I don't get how anyone would be so so angry! I just can't stop crying. I want to feel angry!

[GLDheart]

Want some Irony?

 

Just laugh to yourself how mad he is going to be when his anger no longer works on you.

[geegirl]

but the thing is, he has nobody and I kind of feel sorry for him.

 

Now I'm going to come there and beat sense into you.

 

Stop feeling sorry for someone that clearly feels no compassion or empathy for you. You feel sorry for him because you have an attachment to him. It's when the battered woman gets her face bashed in, only to turn around and extend sympathy for the batterer.

 

You extend compassion to someone that deserves it, not someone that has no respect for you. If I was alone and had someone that cares deeply for me, I'd treat them with utmost respect and love. He doesn't care that he is alone. Why are you bothered? Stop extending yourself to him, because it's not that you feel sorry for him, you extend yourself because you need his validation, you need him to see how great you are so then he'll want to love you. So the more he kicks you in the shins, the more you grab and grovel at his feet trying to prove yourself in his eyes.

 

He's damaging you and you're still texting him. Stop. He's telling you to leave him alone and you keep chasing. Find your dignity and self-respect. Please. If your sister was being treated this way, what would you tell her. If a man was flipping on your best friend this way, what would you say? Imagine a loving relationship, which is what we all should and must strive for...now, is this relationship all that you hoped and wanted for your life? If it's not, then stop settling for ill-treatment, start to think about what you really want and get away from this man. Time to start thinking instead of settling because you're afraid to let go and be alone. No one deserves such a partner.

Edited September 1, 2012 by geegirl

[LostGirl11]

Now I'm going to come there and beat sense into you.

 

Stop feeling sorry for someone that clearly feels no compassion or empathy for you. You feel sorry for him because you have an attachment to him. It's when the battered woman gets her face bashed in, only to turn around and extend sympathy for the batterer.

 

You extend compassion to someone that deserves it, not someone that has no respect for you. If I was alone and had someone that cares deeply for me, I'd treat them with utmost respect and love. He doesn't care that he is alone. Why are you bothered? Stop extending yourself to him, because it's not that you feel sorry for him, you extend yourself because you need his validation, you need him to see how great you are so then he'll want to love you. So the more he kicks you in the shins, the more you grab and grovel at his feet trying to prove yourself in his eyes.

 

He's damaging you and you're still texting him. Stop. He's telling you to leave him alone and you keep chasing. Find your dignity and self-respect. Please. If your sister was being treated this way, what would you tell her. If a man was flipping on your best friend this way, what would you say? Imagine a loving relationship, which is what we all should and must strive for...now, is this relationship all that you hoped and wanted for your life? If it's not, then stop settling for ill-treatment, start to think about what you really want and get away from this man. Time to start thinking instead of settling because you're afraid to let go and be alone. No one deserves such a partner.

 

Yes, if it was my sister or a friend that was being treated like this I'd tell them firmly to get a grip and move on! I'm not making excuses for him, really I'm not. I just love him so bloody much! And no, this isn't a healthy relationship. Far from it. I hate that I care for him so so much. I don't think this was an excuse for him to end the relationship, he really is angry, his voice was shaking as he was telling me. He told me how he thinks I've let myself down by breaking a promise and how stupid and worthless I have made him feel! It's his birthday tomorrow and he put off friends and family so he could spend it with me. But what happened with the coaches really isn't my fault! He even made me say sorry, which I did!! I have no idea what I'm even meant to be sorry for!?! But yet I said it! Why on earth is he cross! I haven't text him today, the last thing I said to him after he told me to 'Get f**ked' is this : 'You have taken this way too far! I've dodged a bullet, what an ugly temper you have! Bye.'

 

But for some insane reason I want to say sorry! I'm not going to though so don't worry about that! I'm just missing silly little things like our late night calls ect. I've been going to bed at 10pm so I don't have to be awake for the time he normally calls! What is wrong with me! I shouldn't be doing that!

[geegirl]

It's understandable you love him, but "love" is not enough a reason to allow someone to treat you that way. I was involved with a toxic ex and when we broke up, I still loved and cared for him but was that enough reason to go back to it, no, because the rest of the dynamics were not enough to keep going. Even when he exploded at me the first time, I went back only to experience his rage time after time. People always go back because of love. It's not enough to sustain it.

 

It's just a birthday! What's wrong with missing it and celebrating it another day? The objective is being together, which you will be. Either he's just a controlling, manupulative man that needs to have his way or he's 6 and must have his girl and cake on his birthday. So, if plans have changed, spend it with the family and celebrate when you get there. He's a grown man. It's not the end of the world. Maturity is clearly void. Its not as if you're blowing him off, you're just not getting there in time. Start thinking about other scenarios that aren't going to coincide with his wants and ask yourself if you can deal when he decides he needs to punish.

 

You noted he has an ugly temper. There's a lot more where that came from if you decide to go back. There is nothing for you to apologize for. If anything, he sounds like a manipulative, controlling and angry man.

 

It's normal to miss that routine with the ex. It just takes time to readjust. I had to endure that "missing" as well. Watching football games together, good night and after work calls, etc. It's part of the process when it ends. In any case, I have a feeling he will be back. You should spend this time re-evaluating what you want for yourself.

Edited September 1, 2012 by geegirl

[LostGirl11]

It's understandable you love him, but "love" is not enough a reason to allow someone to treat you that way. I was involved with a toxic ex and when we broke up, I still loved and cared for him but was that enough reason to go back to it, no, because the rest of the dynamics were not enough to keep going. Even when he exploded at me the first time, I went back only to experience his rage time after time. People always go back because of love. It's not enough to sustain it.

 

It's just a birthday! What's wrong with missing it and celebrating it another day? The objective is being together, which you will be. Either he's just a controlling, manupulative man that needs to have his way or he's 6 and must have his girl and cake on his birthday. So, if plans have changed, spend it with the family and celebrate when you get there. He's a grown man. It's not the end of the world. Maturity is clearly void. Its not as if you're blowing him off, you're just not getting there in time. Start thinking about other scenarios that aren't going to coincide with his wants and ask yourself if you can deal when he decides he needs to punish.

 

You noted he has an ugly temper. There's a lot more where that came from if you decide to go back. There is nothing for you to apologize for. If anything, he sounds like a manipulative, controlling and angry man.

 

It's normal to miss that routine with the ex. It just takes time to readjust. I had to endure that "missing" as well. Watching football games together, good night and after work calls, etc. It's part of the process when it ends. In any case, I have a feeling he will be back. You should spend this time re-evaluating what you want for yourself.

 

Oh he won't be back, he wouldn't have told me to stop texting him otherwise. I agree with you, love isn't enough and I know for a fact that he doesn't take love seriously, he told me on the phone that he 'Did, love me but he doesn't now! All because of the whole coach thing! This time last week he was telling me how he would love it if one day I'd become his wife! Honestly, it was like arguing with a 6 year old! I was ashamed of myself that I had to explain what love is to him and how you can't just fall out of love when you're angry! Pfft, it makes me cringe when I think about him telling me that! I know that his ugly temper will only get worse and I'll only become more and more timid.

 

I know it sounds childish and I should have more control but it's so hard to fight the urge to text him when I'm in a mess because I know his number by heart! geegirl I'm so annoyed that I'm still letting him control me! I won't be going to bed a 10pm tonight! No way! I'm just going to have to brave it and sit up until 12am like I always have! It;s weird because I'm one of those people that doesn't need much sleep but since it all kicked off I've been falling asleep within minutes and sleeping right through! Not sure what's going on there but it's concerning me and my family...

[geegirl]

He told you to stop texting because he is mad. When his emotions have cooled off, he'll be back. These guys react. Mine used to get in fits of rage and end it only to come back days later.

 

Words. It's cheap. I had the "grow old with you" words. The thing is, watch how he treats you. Actions, not words. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to sustain a relationship. If you have to explain what love is, you have your answer.

 

It's normal to feel that urge. But you have to ask yourself, "Text...then what?" The situation remains the same, text or no text. The situation remains the same whether you get back or not. You can text, but if he doesn't answer, then what. You can text, but if he tells you to F off, then what? You can text, and if he pulls you back in, then what? Every scenario renders you the same results and that is you will feel worse than you feel now.

 

Going to bed at 12AM is him having control over you. The amount of energy you are investing to prove him wrong is you placing too much power in his hands. If you feel better by going to bed and not feel that discomfort, then go to bed. What's the need in trying to brave it? He doesn't even know you're mustering all that energy to go against the grain. Too much work.

 

Go to bed. Get rest. Find ways to comfort yourself. Be kind to you. Time to do what is best for you. If you are sleepy, go to sleep. The fact that you are falling asleep is your body telling you that you need rest from all the emotional bashing you are receiving from the break-up.

[LostGirl11]

He told you to stop texting because he is mad. When his emotions have cooled off, he'll be back. These guys react. Mine used to get in fits of rage and end it only to come back days later.

 

Words. It's cheap. I had the "grow old with you" words. The thing is, watch how he treats you. Actions, not words. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to sustain a relationship. If you have to explain what love is, you have your answer.

 

It's normal to feel that urge. But you have to ask yourself, "Text...then what?" The situation remains the same, text or no text. The situation remains the same whether you get back or not. You can text, but if he doesn't answer, then what. You can text, but if he tells you to F off, then what? You can text, and if he pulls you back in, then what? Every scenario renders you the same results and that is you will feel worse than you feel now.

 

Going to bed at 12AM is him having control over you. The amount of energy you are investing to prove him wrong is you placing too much power in his hands. If you feel better by going to bed and not feel that discomfort, then go to bed. What's the need in trying to brave it? He doesn't even know you're mustering all that energy to go against the grain. Too much work.

 

Go to bed. Get rest. Find ways to comfort yourself. Be kind to you. Time to do what is best for you. If you are sleepy, go to sleep. The fact that you are falling asleep is your body telling you that you need rest from all the emotional bashing you are receiving from the break-up.

 

You're right about the texting. It will only cause me more upset. It would be a whole lot easier if my brain didn't have his number stored! Well I didn't stay awake last night, you were right about that too. The only down side to going to be early is waking up early and feeling that horrible heartbreaking feeling as soon as my eyes open. You know, that weird feeling that feels as though theres a massive hole in the pit of your stomach?

 

So anyway, it's his bithday today and I've felt the urge to wish him a happy birthday, but then I remind myself of him telling to get f**ked. I'm not sure if I'm old fashioned but for a man to talk to a girl like that is disgusting.

 

I'm not going to lie, I've thought about emailing him but I think it was you that said on LS before that it doesn't matter what you say it won't make him want to talk any sooner or even realise how nasty he has been.

[geegirl]

Those bad feelings when you wake up is normal. Just part and parcel of the grieving and healing process. You just have to take one morning at a time. I remember clearly one morning waking up, showering, brushing my teeth and suddenly realizing I forgot to think about him. Cliche, but it takes time. It's the worst feeling, I understand.

 

He told you to take a hike, Lost. That type of disrespect is not deserving of warm birthday wishes. It would be a different story of he was kind and empathetic when ending with you, but to treat you that way, nope. If you wish him, you will teach him it is perfectly fine to disrespect you. You teach people how to treat you.

 

Nothing for you to say to him. Like texting, emailing will grant you the same results.

[LostGirl11]

Those bad feelings when you wake up is normal. Just part and parcel of the grieving and healing process. You just have to take one morning at a time. I remember clearly one morning waking up, showering, brushing my teeth and suddenly realizing I forgot to think about him. Cliche, but it takes time. It's the worst feeling, I understand.

 

He told you to take a hike, Lost. That type of disrespect is not deserving of warm birthday wishes. It would be a different story of he was kind and empathetic when ending with you, but to treat you that way, nope. If you wish him, you will teach him it is perfectly fine to disrespect you. You teach people how to treat you.

 

Nothing for you to say to him. Like texting, emailing will grant you the same results.

 

No, I'm not going to wish him a happy birthday. You're right, he doesn't deserve it. It will be pretty amusing to know how many people have actually wished him a happy birthday today actually!

 

The morning is the worst time for me, I just need to get passed it.

 

I was thinking earlier, that I don't actually think I miss him, I miss the attention and giving attention, like I said before, silly things like texting through out the day ect, I just have to some how tell myself that they were only texts! If that makes sense?

[geegirl]

I was thinking earlier, that I don't actually think I miss him, I miss the attention and giving attention, like I said before, silly things like texting through out the day ect, I just have to some how tell myself that they were only texts! If that makes sense?

 

Bingo! You miss the attention, even if it was scraps because that is what you've made yourself deserving of but it's completely normal to miss that. Im sure you don't miss the outbursts and tantrums! Look at the R as a whole and try to hold on to the bad. We tend to romanticize and idealize the R/guy. Magnifying what really isn't there because then it justifies emotional reasoning to stay when mentally its so wrong for us. Pull him down from where he is and see him for who he is and analyse what about this R was great and fulfilling for you. I bet if you wrote a list of what you want in a partner and what you seek in a relationship, you'd be surprised to see how he and the R fails to check most of your boxes!

Edited September 2, 2012 by geegirl

[LostGirl11]

Bingo! You miss the attention, even if it was scraps because that is what you've made yourself deserving of but it's completely normal to miss that. Im sure you don't miss the outbursts and tantrums! Look at the R as a whole and try to hold on to the bad. We tend to romanticize and idealize the R/guy. Magnifying what really isn't there because then it justifies emotional reasoning to stay when mentally its so wrong for us. Pull him down from where he is and see him for who he is and analyse what about this R was great and fulfilling for you. I bet if you wrote a list of what you want in a partner and what you seek in a relationship, you'd be surprised to see how he and the R fails to check most of your boxes!

 

No, I don't miss the tantrums, it's actually quite nice not having to worry about upsetting him in some way and having to walk on egg shells depending on his mood that day. I think I'm doing better at remembering the bad. I think I'm getting to the angry stage now. But saying that, not seeing him ever again really scares me! God knows why...