toffeecream77 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 After a certain amount of time passes, I look back on the past, I forgive and think: I would still like him in my life because I miss him. Despite being left for someone else in a brutal way, I forgave and reached out several times. He's 'friendly' but I know it's not sincere. I saw him a few months ago but he couldn't even look me in the eyes, stared down into his cup of coffee. So I decided to go N/C again. After all, he hasn't sent a single message to ask how I am etc in the last year. But here I am again, missing him and wondering why we can't exchange friendly correspondence from time to time. I'm over the break up. I'm not over how cold he is though -- I think this makes me more upset than the hurt he caused during break up.
Zahara Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I went back and read your first thread in March. While you were recovering in the hospital, he was out with a new girl? Of course you miss him, you love him. But it's no reason to keep reaching out and getting shut down. And why is his friendship of such importance to you, or better yet, why do you think he will want a friendship with you, when he was showing you then that you didn't mean that much to him and showing you now that he does not want to have any ties with you? What friendship are you looking for? Friendship entails care. There is no care. Why won't he exchange friendly correspondence with you? It's because he doesn't want to. It's because it's not important to him. It is important to you because you are emotional and still love him. It is not important to him because he does not feel the same way, and most of all, has his heart and mind focused on another woman. There is no room for you. Understand that and let go. Sorry to be harsh, but you've spent so much time lamenting about the same thing, discounting NC because you're too afraid to let go and wishing for someone to feel and think the way you do. Time to accept that NC is your only way out unless you want to be in perpetual hell. NC till the day comes when he does not affect you anymore. Then maybe you can seek that "friendship" you always wanted.
Author toffeecream77 Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) Hi, thanks for your post. Of course, you're right, he simply doesn't care. I never did anything bad to him. He just lost interest. No idea why. He always seemed so crazy about me. I'm not discounting N/C. It's the only option here. But because I forgave him and reached out, I thought things would be ok between us and we'd be on friendly terms. After all, I'm friends with all of my exs. I can't say my ex is unfriendly. But I can always sense extreme awkwardness and he doesn't come across as genuine. I've mentioned once or twice that he could message once or twice to say hi, it would be nice. But he replies that he's just different to me -- he communicates differently. Whatever that means. I don't want him back, I don't want any romantic feelings etc. But I wish we could exchange messages from time to time so I didn't have to miss him. I wish I felt at ease to drop him a message to say hi or tell him about what's going on. But he makes me feel like I'm toxic. Why? What did I ever do to him? Edited August 30, 2012 by toffeecream77
Zahara Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 You don't have to do anything bad for someone to eliminate you from their life. They may just not see the importance of you being in their life. It may just be that his life has changed and he has different priorities. It may be that he doesn't want to give you hope because you do project emotional attachment to him. And he can feel it. I have exs that aren't in my life anymore eventhough we were once very much in love and cared about each other. In your other posts, you reached out several times forcing a friendship. You can forgive someone but that does not guarantee a friendship or the need to be in each other's lives. You forgive and move on. You can be friends with all your exs. That's because they want to. He doesn't. No one is obligated to be your friend. You have to let that go. He's awkward because he is uncomfortable. And when someone is giving you that vibe, you let them go. You don't chase them or force them to get over it because you believe in your mind you can be best of friends. He doesn't see it that way, whether you had a great R in the past or not. It does not matter. Accept that the dynamics have changed and you have to work with what's infront of you. And that is, he does not want you in his life. Move forward. Stop lying to yourself. You are emotional about him. Exchanging messages will keep you where you are. I have friends I don't hear from for months. Does it bother me? No. This bothers you. Miss him. Love him. It's normal. But stop contacting him and wanting a friendship. It something he does not want nor is it something that you can handle. I understand you are hurt because his avoidance is telling you that he does not care or love you. If he contacts you, then it reassures you that he cares and loves you. It's what you need. In a nutshell. You're not toxic. He just can't fit you into his life. He's doing you a huge favor by letting you go and leaving you alone. He most likely knows you are emotional and does not want to lead you on. And has a new life now and does not want to look back. Accept that blessing, NC and start your healing. 3
Author toffeecream77 Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 I'm very easy going around him; he does not know I still care about him in that way. And I also think he is awkward because he feels ashamed for how he treated me but I can't be for sure, obviously. I've been friends with exs...I can handle it and it helps me move on.
Zahara Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I'm very easy going around him; he does not know I still care about him in that way. And I also think he is awkward because he feels ashamed for how he treated me but I can't be for sure, obviously. I've been friends with exs...it helps me move on. The fact that you were pressing for a friendship is a dead giveaway. 1
Author toffeecream77 Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 When my last ex 'pressed' me for a friendship, I didn't think he was chasing me or still in love with me. You make some excellent points and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to reply but I don't agree with you on this one. I think he is awkward because of his guilt from the way he treated me. I have only been in touch a handful of times. I'm just sad things can't be nice and friendly because there are no issues. We will never get back together, I wouldn't want him to the man I spend the rest of my life after he picked someone else over me. But I still miss his company and wish we could be friends like I am with my other exs. It still stands and it probably won't change. But it helps to come on here and vent.
Zahara Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 If he is feeling awkward because of guilt in how he treated you, that should be good enough reason to stop asking him for a friendship. If anything, he should at least be able to muster up the need to ask for forgiveness or admit wrongdoing. Instead he runs and hides. Hardly the qualities you would seek in a friend. Exs use "friends" as a means to stay connected because they're too afraid to let go. Reading your posts, it felt like you were chasing him. And I am sure as emotional as you are, some of that would have come through to him. Not every situation is alike and not everyone is of the same perception. There may be no issues. But please understand, and I hate to be blunt. He didn't care for you before, he doesn't care now to have any ties with you. It's not a matter of "issues". Maybe when you are completely over him and you both have moved on far along enough to not have anyawkwardness, then friendship can come into the picture. But for now, NC and don't look back. 2
BewitchedandBothered Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 It will all be clear to you when you have NO more feelings for him. No need to chase him for a friendship; that's just a way to keep him in your life in the hopes that things change. But...it will only hurt you on some levels. If you have a friendship with a man you still harbor feelings for, you get to hear all about his love interests. Can you handle that? My guess would be no. Also, you miss the idea of him. When this storm passes, you will find someone deserving of you. My ex kept pressing the friend issue; I am sure out of guilt or to have someone waiting in the wings if something didn't work out. That's not a true friend. A friend is someone who checks on you when you're in the hospital, too. Get what I'm saying?
Author toffeecream77 Posted September 3, 2012 Author Posted September 3, 2012 I sent him a two line email asking him about his job search and mentioned that mine might be coming to an end. He replied, very quickly, after three minutes, with a fairly long message saying he has found a new job that he starts in the next several months and asked questions about my work. I felt happy that we had a nice exchange and genuinely I felt happy that he found a new cool job. After an hour, I replied congratulating him and said that I had job offers here but I'm only interested in one job that I'll hear back on soon and if that doesn't come through, I might be moving to a city (near him) and I asked him a further question. After three days, still no response. My conclusion: he's very quick to share his good news but not so forthcoming in replying to my good news. He's done this before. Lol not sure why but I guess it would have been too much for him to reply congratulating me on my good news too! You know, I might have got the wrong idea and PROPOSED to him lol!!
geegirl Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 Posters have given you great advice but it seems that in order for you to move forward, you have to get to a point of feeling sick and tired of being sick and tired. There is a reason that after one year, you are in the same emotional hole. Only you can break that cycle. We can all advise you to stay NC but you won't. NC is uncomfortable. It's painful. But it's temporary. What you're doing is permanent, a years worth of emotional turmoil with nothing to show for and possibly more to come as you keep repeating the pattern. When someone shows you that they do not care, gather whatever dignity and self-respect you have and move on.
GLDheart Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 ...he couldn't even look me in the eyes, stared down into his cup of coffee... Kiddo, that's shame right there. He wronged you. Bad... and he knows it.
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