I'm the OW, waiting for the MM to make a move

[2Confuzed]

Hi All,

I need some help too. I recently started seeing a MM who I have been good friends with for about 3 years. We work together. We've always had a certain connection. Like so many others, I felt like this was a "special" situation. After reading some of your postings, I'm beginning to wonder.

He's been married about 4 years, has a child who is 1 year old. He's been telling all of us for awhile that he wasn't happy and wanted a divorice. He made the first move and since then, we have been inseparable. We didn't become intimate for some time because he wanted it to be special and didn't want me thinking that's all he wanted. He tells me he loves me and does want a divorice. He says he is worried about finances and his son. He is used to seeing his son everyday and doesn't think he could handle not seeing him everyday right now. He has brought up divorice to his wife a few times. He's talked to his family about it. We have talked about this alot. He asks why I am so quiet, I tell him that I am worried that he will back out. He says that whether or not me and him get together, he still wants a divorice.

I never thought I would be in this situation. I think I am afraid to open up to him because I am terrified that one day he will call and end it. I am also worried that if this does happen, one day if we aren't getting along, he will throw it all in my face and blame it on me. I don't know that he would, but I worry about that. I don't want him doing it for me, I want him to do this for himself. I don't want to be responsible for his marriage ending. I know I am not helping right now though too. He tells me he is getting a divorice but just needs time to get things in order. He said after she comes back from vacation, he's gonna start laying it out. How much time is too much? I read somewhere that if he doesn't leave in the first six months, he probably won't. We've been seeing each other for about 2 months.

His wife and son are going on vacation the end of July (he can't go, work wouldn't grant time off). So we will be spending the whole week together. I am excited but also scared. I feel like I need to be everything his wife isn't. I don't know if I can live up to that.

Honestly, I feel he has more feelings for me than I do for him. I am also kind of scared because if he does get a divorice, he will most likely move in here with me. I don't know if I'm ready for that. I recently ended a long term relationship and he was living with me. I don't know if I'm ready for that again. But at the same time, I can't stop thinking about him. I carry my cell phone around with me in case he calls. When he comes to see me, it's great, but when he leaves, I feel this overwhelming sadness. And it just keeps getting worse and worse. I guess just knowing that he can never stay long makes me really sad.

I really feel like he will leave his wife. I just don't know when. I don't know. I just don't know what to do. I have stopped dating other people because I feel like I'm betraying him and I don't crave to see anyone else but him. But at the same time, he has someone to go home to every night, and I don't.

I have thought about maintaining just a friendship until he gets a divorice. He has asked me if that's what I want before, I told him "no." Maybe I should. I would feel even worse if I put my life on hold and then it never happened, then I would have wasted all this time. He tells me that he does get jealous when I was seeing other people but it wasn't his place to say that. Maybe I should. Maybe it will make him have to decide what he wants. I don't know, I am just so confused.

Any thoughts or opinions would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Kizzyfur]

My MM finally filed for divorce 9 months after he first told his wife he wanted one. I feel like such a hypocrate when I give advice about this subject. After going through it myself though I wouldn't suggest even getting involved with this guy until he's divorced. Honestly, even if you win him over in the end, there's a LOT of hearache involved. It's a rollercoaster ride from hell. But don't put your life on hold for this man even if you continue to see him. Statistics are not in the favor of the OW. If it's meant to be, it will be. But don't let life pass you by in the meantime.

 

I feel like I need to be everything his wife isn't. I don't know if I can live up to that.

Do NOT even TRY to be everything his wife isn't. Just be yourself. You don't want to start pretending you're someone you're not. If you start now, you'll have to continue the act for the rest of the time you're with him. Don't do it.

 

Don't do anything you're not comfortable doing. Don't let him move in with you until you're ready for him to. Also, since he does have a child, be prepared for that child to be in your life. If this isn't an option for you, don't even consider a relationship with him.

[sami]

You are just hanging your future. You need to really think and use your mind. Look for someone who is really available totally for you not just "Wouldbes,maybes or couldbes". Things may change anytime from his side. It is not just his son that is holding him. There are many other good reasons that men know but don't tell.

[2Confuzed]

So the best thing to do would remain friends until he gets a divorice?

 

 

Kizzy,

Did you remain intimate with your MM the entire time? I don't know about you but I feel like he's thinking, " Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" I think I am making it to easy for him. If I insisted on being just friends, he would have to decide what he wants, right?

[Kizzyfur]

I remained intimate with my MM till I got fed up with not knowing for sure. Since he was staying at home ("with the kids") I was never sure he wasn't with her. I had warned him a few times but never really stuck to it till a couple months ago. I talked to him and told him I needed to break it off and he could call me once he'd filed for divorce. I informed him I wasn't going to wait for him but if I was still available I'd consider taking him back. Well, he had to go out of state for work and contacted me via IM. I did give in and talk to him and he informed me he realized just how much he was losing.

 

I know the breakup and realization that he could lose me helped him to make the decision to file. But then I'm not sure how much of an impact it really had considering during that period his wife also got his truck repoed by neglecting the payments (HIS money, she just paid the bills), and I also shared a bit of information as to how she's really raising his kids. He's also gotten the same kind of information from the current "nanny". Long story; I have a post about it in the parenting forum.

 

But yes, I would suggest keeping it as no more than just friends until he's divorced. It really is a rollercoaster ride from hell if you get involved with a MM. Do not put your life on hold for him. At least try to go out with other guys as you never know, you may fine your MM isn't Mr. Right but someone else is. If you're still available and still interested when he's divorced, yeah, go for it. But not until then. Damn I really feel like a hypocrate. But I'm just speaking from experience.

 

Good Luck!!

[Whoahhgirl]

Kizzyfur made some good points and she was one of the ones who had an ending that worked out for her.

 

The one thing I have learned about being involved with a MM is that when someone is going to do something...they DO it.

They don't just talk about it or make logical and good excuses why they won't do it.

 

I don't expect the man that your with to just up and leave his family. These things take time....but if you don't know for sure what goes on behind closed doors with his wife, then you might be in for a long emotional haul.

Someone always gets hurts in these situations.

 

You have to determine whether he has real feelings for you or if your just an affair to him. Actions speak louder than words. If he isn't giving you anything to show that he is leaving her, then chances are he isn't.

You need more than words. Don't depend on only what he says until you see something with your own eyes.

 

My advice based on personal experience would be not to be friends with him. I'm only saying that b/c it makes it harder to see clearly when it comes to these things. It also makes it harder to control your emotions.

He has your number and knows how to get a hold of you if he does leave her. Since you said that you didn't want to be the reason why he left her, then staying with him might give him a reason to leave her in the end.

 

I wish you luck b/c I know it's difficult.

[2Confuzed]

Kizzy,

I have such a deep sadness about the whole thing. I love him so much, but I can't keep going like this. It's killing me. So today when I seen him at work, he could tell something was wrong. He finally got it out of me. I didn't want to say anything because his wife and son go on vacation next week and I wanted to spend that time with him. So anyway, I told him that I'm not sure if I could do this anymore. He was like, "OK" and didn't say much else. He always says that it seems like I don't want him to come see me, but it wasn't that at all. I told him that it just keeps getting harder and harder to let him go each time. And when he leaves, I have this overwhelming sadness set in. I don't think I could deal with that every day until he gets a divorice, ya know?

 

So I used my head instead of my heart and told him that I think we should be friends until he gets a divorice. He said, "I knew it was too good to be true." Then he said, " I guess I'll just go back to being depressed." When he said that, I realized that I was actually helping his marriage. I obiviously made him feel better, so in turn, he probably felt better at home. Not that I want him to be depressed, but I don't want to make it easier to stay with his wife either. So now, he's hurt, I'm hurt too. I really do want to be with him, but to maintain my sanity, I don't know if I can while he's still married. Then he calls me and tells me he's sorry, like it's all his fault. Then he's like, "I'll see ya around." It's only been like 2 hours since this happened and I feel so depressed now. My mom just told me to wait and see what happens. But like you, I feel like doing this will force him to see what he has and what he could have. I think he will be forced to make a decision, if he cares about me that much. What are your thoughts?

[2Confuzed]

Thank you for responding. I do feel that he does love me, I have never had a connection like I do with this man.

 

I see him at work all the time. I still want to be friends, but not intimate. I think by him not being able to touch me or come see me when he wants, maybe he will realize what he's lost, or maybe not. Who knows. But either way like I said, for my sanity, I can't keep seeing him like this while he's still married.

[Liss77]

I go through the same "game" with my married man read my story (please help me and staying strong) I have learned that they do this to see how u will react. Don't give in sweetie. HE WILL CALL u OR CONTACT u. They always almost do. They start to miss u they miss ur voice, ur touch, the way u made them feel. Give him the ultimatum like I did if he wants u enough HE WILL LEAVE. Please take it from me. I know the hurt inside not hearing from him but keep yourself occupied. I'm here.

 

Liss

[Mr Spock]

That's incredibly strong of you-to stop things until he makes a commitment-and it's the right thing to do, really. This way, if he does come to you he'll have a clear head and heart.

[2Confuzed]

Thank you so much for your thoughts. You think he is just trying to see how I'll react, maybe make me feel bad? I am hoping that by me telling him that I can't be more than friends until he gets a divorice will force him to make a decision. Whether good or bad, I still need a decision.

 

As for you, did it work? Did he leave her for you? How long did it take if so?

 

I feel like a mother who has disiplined her child. I know it hurts, but I feel it's the best thing for the both of us. I only wish I could convince my heart.

[2Confuzed]

Thank you, I feel it is the best thing to do. I'm not sure how to get through it, but I have to feel that I've made the right decision. So far, even though it's killing me, I feel like it's right. I feel that if it's meant to be, it will. Right?

[Liss77]

Hello,

To answer your question, Yes finally after months of fighting, and crying, and breaking up and him calling me trying to make things work, and me being depressed HE IS FINALLY going to make the move. Believe me, I hate when he leaves me at night. He leaves each night at 10pm and I know he is going to that "house" but I know that at least he was with me until that time and each time he is with me the butterflys and the love we share cannot be replaced.

So it took basically since I found out in May that he was still at home 2 months until he could not stand to see me sad or being away from me. He told me he missed my voice, my laugh, the way I made him feel. So what I am trying to say that if the LOVE is real and not just an obsession or infatuation HE WILL make the move to be with u and only u with no regrets. If he makes u feel bad or guilty, sweetie u need to step back for a bit to let the dust settle so u can see straight.

Let me know how things work out.......

[2Confuzed]

After about 4 hours of agonizing over what I had told him, he called. He told me that I had broken his heart. He told me that he wanted to be with me and he didn't understand where this had come from. I'm one of those people that don't say much, it takes me time to gather my thoughts. Then I kinda hit ya with it all. He said that when I told him that I just wanted to be friends, he said he was devasted. He told me that he had to leave because he was ready to break down in front of me.

 

I guess my thing is that if I don't hear often that he wants a divorice, I start thinking otherwise. Like I need updates or something, lol. He told me again that no matter what happens between me and him, he will get a divorice. He said that me being in the picture will probably make it happen faster, but not because of me, because he wants to. He said that his marriage is more like being room mates. He said it's not like I leave you and go home to my great life, it sucks. He said he has just as hard a time leaving when he comes to see me as I do.

 

I was telling him how I was thinking that he gets what he wants from me, so why should he leave her. I could tell he was taken back that I said that. He told me that what he gets from me is no where near what he wants. He said that I have no idea how much he cares about me.

 

As far as the divorice, he said that he is gonna start bringing it up after she returns from vacation. He said that if he started talking about it again right now, she would probably cancel her vacation, then me and him wouldn't be able to spend the week together. Which makes sense I guess.

 

He said that he wants to use that time to really find out what he wants, he wants to see how it will be without his wife. And he wants to see if me and him can still feel as strongly toward eachother after being together all that time.

 

He asked me if we could just get through the week of vacation before I made any sudden decisions.

 

He really seemed upset and heartbroken. I've never doubted his feelings for me, but man, I was ready to cry talking to him about it.

 

So, we'll see....

[Whoahhgirl]

I hope that you will stick to your guns.

 

Don't fall into a trap of guilt. It's an easy card to fall for if you care about this man.

Anything can be said to make you feel guilty. If he knows you have feelings for him, he may try to use them to keep you.

I think mentioning that being friends was a good idea. Let's see how true he is to his word and what changes in his life while you two are friends.

 

Do you ever feel he is just trying to buy time with you b/c everything he says?

Again, if you don't know what goes on behind closed doors in his house, you never can be too cautious.

 

Does he only bring up leaving her when you show some disappointment or unhappiness about how things are in the relationship? You said that you don't get updates. You should be getting them if he is leaving. Are you only getting them when you threaten to leave or say something about his situation?

 

I hope that spending that week with him won't hurt you in the long run. You did mention that he would have gone on vacation if he was able to get time off from work? Does that set off any red flags about his family life?

 

Also... he doesn't want to bring up divorce b/c she would cancel the trip and you wouldn't be able to spend that week with him? It might not be the case, but it sounds like he is stalling or using that as a reason not to tell her. It might be buying him more time with you. I dunno. I could be wrong.

 

Of course when she gets back....he could always turn around and say that he wants to wait to tell her for this reason or that reason.

 

I'm sorry for being so skeptical of your situation...but the MM I was with said the same exact things to me as yours has. The thing was, I bought into every word he gave.

3 years later...I'm still hearing that he is going to leave his wife.

I'm no longer with him...but we keep in touch from time to time.

[Kizzyfur]

I agree with Whoahhgirl 100%.

 

He said, "I knew it was too good to be true." Then he said, " I guess I'll just go back to being depressed."

These are tactics to make you feel guilty and take him back.

 

I guess my thing is that if I don't hear often that he wants a divorice, I start thinking otherwise.

Remember how you feel in cases like this and get used to it. This is how it will be THROUGH OUT the entire relationship with him if you get involved BEFORE he's divorced. It also starts to get old just hearing that he intends to get a divorce with no action to back his words. TRUST ME!! You don't know what's going on when he walks in the door at home. If he's just using you, he'll tell you anything to keep you strung along. If he's sincere in what he says, give him the time to take care of things before giving in to him. If he's serious about getting a divorce whether you're in the picture or not, tell him to do just that before you can commit to him.

 

Why is he only going to TALK to her about divorce?? Why isn't he going to FILE???

 

You asked for advice. Everyone who's given you any has warned you against getting involved with this man before he's divorced. Most have given you advice based on their own personal experiences. You're walking a dangerous line just being friends with this man. Please do yourself a favor and stick to your guns till he's divorced. For you own good, it's the best thing you can do.

[2Confuzed]

Well, I understand where you guys are coming from. I thank you for your support and experience. However, I truly do feel as though he is sincere and loves me.

 

As far as the vacation thing:

 

They made plans for this vacation over a 1 1/2 ago. That is WAY before we started talking. If it was me, and my husband couldn't go, I don't think I would either. What does that say about their relationship?

 

As far as the divorice:

 

It's not that he brings it up when I am depressed or ready to leave him, it gets brought up because I bring it up. When I mean he is going to start TALKING to her about it, he is going to tell her how he feels and that he wants a divorice. But who knows, I guess I will just have to wait and see.

 

If after this vacation passes and no progress is made, then I will be forced to tell him that I can't see him anymore. I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt right now. I feel he's been honest with me up to this point, so for right now, I will believe him that he's going to do this.

[Whoahhgirl]

Just b/c I speak from experience doesn't mean your situation will pan out like mine did. That I do acknowledge.

 

About the vacation, maybe his wife had tickets already or really wanted to take the kids somewhere. I dunno.

If I was in that situation and my husband wasn't able to go, I would still take the children. You and his wife are 2 different ppl and her reasons for going may be different from yours.

 

It's ok to give this man the benefit of the doubt, but do it with open eyes. If he is serious about what he is telling you, he will back up what he is saying. Speaking of which, you mentioned that talk about his situation comes up when you bring it up. What the about the other times? Nothing is said? Unless you bring the topics up?

 

The MM I was with said and did exactly the same things. Concidence maybe. The one I was with went as far as telling me he was sleeping on the couch after he asked his wife for a divorce. And that we were soulmates and I hurt him so badly...blah, blah, blah. In the end, I came to find out he wasn't having the problems he said they were having and he pretty lied about everything to keep me.

 

By staying with this man, your allowing him to be unfaithful, lie, and to cheat on his wife. Doesn't that bother you?

For some reason this week that your going to be spending with him seems like a bad idea. I hope you don't get hurt from it.

 

I'm not here to be harsh with or mean to you. I know this is hard to see, but I'm only trying to help. I'm trying to help you not become one of those women who hang on for years, who wait on the sidelines and who go thru an enormous amount of pain only to have the relationship end.

Sometimes ppl are lead into these relationships under false pretences and really depend on what they are being told.

 

Your only what 2 months into this? Pray that 2 months doesn't turn into 6 months and then 6 months turns into...you get what I'm saying.

2 months doesn't seem like a long time to really love someone regardless how long you've known them.

Real love takes time.

 

Again, I am wishing you luck.

[2Confuzed]

Thank you.

 

I'll keep you updated.

[Kizzyfur]

I'm not sure why you posted asking for advice, you've already made up your mind to stay with him. You're falling into the same trap every OW falls into; whether or not it works out in the end. I know you had to have read posts by other OW asking for advice or just telling their stories. It's all the same scenario. Of course you trust him, because that's what he wants. I'd be extremely cautious in your case though. Your MM is already trying to put you on guilt trips for saying you want to just stay friends.

 

You said before that you were only helping him to stay with his wife by being with him. Why would you even consider staying in the relationship then??

 

Anyway, you've already made up your mind to stay with him. I wish you the best of luck. It's going to be a rough ride.

[Whoahhgirl]

Kizzyfur~ Was it something we said? lol...

 

Regardless of what was said here by anyone, it was meant to help you not to hurt you. I'm sorry if I said something that you didn't want to hear.

 

I think most of us that have posted here have been down the same road or have hit that brick wall with a MM. We were just trying to help by mentioning things you didn't see.

[2Confuzed]

I know that and I thank you for that. I appreciate all the advice. I know I'm not doing what you guys think I should do, but I have everything you guys have told me in the back of my mind. I am very cautious these days. I am not angry at any of you. I appreciate everything.

[LoveObsessions]

Well. Apparently many relationships end after the couple has their first child. Anyway, I didn't take my chance and I wouldn't feel any better, because if sweetie was ever to contact me and tell me he has gotten a divorce, I would have a clean conscience and he would know I respected a marriage in the same way I want mine to be respected. I never felt like I did for anyone and even though I don't think he feels just as much for me, but maybe it's enough for him to take a chance. I know I'm a lifetime oportunity for him or anyone. My friend told me he would never take a chance without a safety net, knowing he had me and had tried me. But if he does I'll get him having palyed it straight. and clean. He just feels so right and adecuate for me in so amny ways, it's going to be hard to find an alternative. But then, he should know. Add to that I fall in love so rarely and time is passing me by. I know he still thinks of me and told so many people about me it's creepy. He is like this gossip queen people eprson cappy who probably thinks E! is god's tv network, it's a bit nerve wrecking.

I've been thoguh such an awful mourning period, it has so many ups and downs and still... It was like in the Big Fish movie. I pretty much went to him and told him we were meant to be in front of tens of people, completely out of my mind. But I'd never made a move with anyone. It just was the only was I could do it. Because I had know for a bit over a month he wasn't available and the only way I think was that some crazy part of me took over and I couldn't help just telling him and making myself look like a freak. Hopefully it worked against me, making him "realize" I'm nuts and he is better off sticking to his wife. Unless he felt the same for me. Then it wouldn't matter to him and he wouldn't just want me for being a pretty face.

[Traci1971]

Since there is a child, that would make divorce harder & might take longer. Him showing u that he's taking steps would be a plus. Divorce doesn't happen overnight, esp. with kids involved, he might need time to straighten out back payments too......... With my MM, I know he opened his own checking account instead of having his check direct deposited into their joint account,I've been with him to bank & (by snooping heehee) saw checkbook with new checks). I saw arrangements to catch up mortgage so house can be put up for sale. Mine said that had to be done so they split what's left after sale. I am seeing the progress though, but I have a time limit too...been together 4 months. The financial stuff & legal paperwork does take time, so he could be on the level, plus he has custody issues as well. (mine doesn't) He could want to make sure this is right for him, & hopefully him telling u he wants a divorce is true. Him making moves sorting out financial matters is a definite sign. Good Luck

[2Confuzed]

Thanks, I really feel his is making an effort. He was looking up info on the computer the other night with his sister too. He is starting to talk about it all the time. I know he is serious. I know it takes time. Thanks for the advice