A little more than 2 wks after breakup she's hanging out with another guy

August 30, 2012

So some of you know my story- my ex pretty much lost interest in me and pushed me to break up with her. Well, this past Tuesday had been 2 weeks since the breakup, one week NC, and I get a call as I'm leaving work. I deleted her number and it's out of state so I just answer it (I will admit I thought it might've been her). She told me she was calling to tell me she's mailing my stuff back to me. She asked how I was and asked her. She said she had been going out almost every night and was tired. I then ask some things I shouldn't have and her replies were very hurtful. Here's a few:

I asked if she was over everything and happier- she replied with yes, and she's even been hanging out with another guy at the lake (something we used to do)

I asked her what she thinks happened to her when she started being rude with me- she said she thinks she was just annoyed bc I let her walk all over me and never stood my ground.

She also acted like I was trying to get back with her and kept saying, "I'm sorry but I'm happier without you"

I told her I wasn't trying to get her back, and also told her I don't understand the walking all over me bc she told me she was depressed and that's why I tried to be nicer to her. When we dated, she said she didn't like to go out at all. And now she's already hanging out with a new guy doing the things we used to. Obviously, it was a bad idea to talk to her. I find myself so angry and upset and questioning if I let her walk all over me. I mean, I don't even understand why someone would want to do that to their significant other. I'm having a hard time this morning and could use some help/advice on this crap. She even offered that we could be friends and hang out sometime. I deleted her as a friend on FB and everything as I should've done from the get-go. This whole thing has just really taken another chunk out of my self-esteem.

August 30, 2012

she's still in a fog, trying to convince herself that what she did was the right thing. Don't take it personal, you're the victim of her internal conflict.

August 30, 2012

she's still in a fog, trying to convince herself that what she did was the right thing. Don't take it personal, you're the victim of her internal conflict.

She sounded completely honest and sure about what she was saying which is why it hurt my self-esteem. That helps when you say not to take it personal, I started over-thinking and trying to find times where I didn't "stand my ground". It also made me worry that in future relationships I might be too nice and girls react the same way.

August 30, 2012

Hi fray.

Yeah - if you pick up the phone by mistake and they inform you they're sending their stuff over, all you need say is 'great'. I'm really hoping you're learning that the more information you get about her, the more pain there is for you to deal with. Glad you've finally deleted her from FB.

I'm not surprised she's hanging out with someone else to get the attention she no longer gets from you. You have it, now, in a nutshell, that you gave her too much. Like I said in my last post to you - the giver is stronger than the taker, IMO.

Just focus, in the future, on giving only when you expect nothing in return, remembering that you alone are responsible for your own happiness. So - give to yourself first (what ways could you be doing this, rather than wasting time worrying about her foolish words?), and - if you have any love to spare - give freely to those in your life who deserve it (without requiring anything to be reciprocated). This will ensure you are looking after yourself, and loving others with no disappointment.

I look forward to hear what things you've been doing to make yourself feel better (and I better not hear any other nonsense she's been touting, either! ;p)

August 30, 2012

Hi fray.

Yeah - if you pick up the phone by mistake and they inform you they're sending their stuff over, all you need say is 'great'. I'm really hoping you're learning that the more information you get about her, the more pain there is for you to deal with. Glad you've finally deleted her from FB.

I'm not surprised she's hanging out with someone else to get the attention she no longer gets from you. You have it, now, in a nutshell, that you gave her too much. Like I said in my last post to you - the giver is stronger than the taker, IMO.

Just focus, in the future, on giving only when you expect nothing in return, remembering that you alone are responsible for your own happiness. So - give to yourself first (what ways could you be doing this, rather than wasting time worrying about her foolish words?), and - if you have any love to spare - give freely to those in your life who deserve it (without requiring anything to be reciprocated). This will ensure you are looking after yourself, and loving others with no disappointment.

I look forward to hear what things you've been doing to make yourself feel better (and I better not hear any other nonsense she's been touting, either! ;p)

I honestly never understood exactly what you meant by the giver is stronger than the taker, but now I think I'm starting to realize what that means- that I was able to give so much more than she did because I was the stronger one; she was glad to accept and receive this bc she was weak and this attention fueled her. Now she has found another to fill this void which is why she has been able to not text/call me any and move on easier.

Am I wrong if I say that she will probably lose this guy at some point in a similar fashion? I can't figure out if she'll ever regret or realize what she's done to me, but a part of me hopes she does. I feel like she's sucked so much life out of me, seriously. It's still going to take some time to build myself back up. I was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me, but it's actually all her. Am I correct on that?

Thanks as always for your two cents, mickleb!

September 1, 2012

Am I wrong if I say that she will probably lose this guy at some point in a similar fashion? I can't figure out if she'll ever regret or realize what she's done to me, but a part of me hopes she does. I feel like she's sucked so much life out of me, seriously. It's still going to take some time to build myself back up. I was starting to feel like there was something wrong with me, but it's actually all her. Am I correct on that?

Thanks as always for your two cents, mickleb!

She'll probably repeat her bad patterns; those who externalise their problems, like she does, often do. You won't care by then, though. It's normal to wonder these things (will they continue to f*ck up, will they realise how they hurt me, etc) but the importance of them disappears as you heal.

Most of it was on her but it does sound like you gave too much. No excuse for her sh*tty behaviour but try to work out why that was the case, so you're not tempted to do so again.

September 3, 2012

She'll probably repeat her bad patterns; those who externalise their problems, like she does, often do. You won't care by then, though. It's normal to wonder these things (will they continue to f*ck up, will they realise how they hurt me, etc) but the importance of them disappears as you heal.

Most of it was on her but it does sound like you gave too much. No excuse for her sh*tty behaviour but try to work out why that was the case, so you're not tempted to do so again.

Yeah, I really do see now I gave too much. This makes me feel a little disappointed in myself for not realizing it while I was in the relationship and getting out of it sooner. I just thought I was being nice and supportive. I'm never doing that again.

My sister told me today that she is now in a relationship with the one guy as she saw it on Facebook. I deleted her as a friend so I couldn't have any way of telling. This took my by surprise at first, and now I have even worse thoughts about her. It just seems like a really dirty thing for her to do 2 weeks after we broke up. What do you make of that? Could you've seen that coming since she needs constant attention?

On another note, my weekend was great. I'm now sleeping much better consistently, and hung out with friend/family. I watched this movie called Swingers and it was perfect timing. One part, the guy is giving advice to a friend about his breakup and he said "You focus on all the things you don't have instead of realizing what you got right in front of you"- that is so true. I'm a very fortunate person and I let this girl totally take me out of my personality and away from realizing the things I've been blessed with. I think the hardest thing for me is building respect back up for myself where she brought me down so low. Does that make sense and is it normal? I feel like I need to get back to being who I was bc that's a good person.

September 3, 2012

I can totally relate. My ex said that she had lost interest in me for as much as 9 months and made me go through a cross country move with her and we were engaged! She has said some of the same things your ex has said to you and you simply just have to try and move past it. The first step is totally cutting off contact if you can, and I think you took that step after your call.

My ex jumped in bed with another guy pretty much the week after she dumped me. She met him in the city of my birth and went to some of my favorite places with him. He then came and visited her recently out here and I believe she also took him to some of the places where we have memories. It sucks, it hurts, it's like getting kicked really hard below the belt. She is basically saying that you are not good enough for her and you have to accept that. Your best bet is to forget her and not let her walk all over you again. You have to learn to derive self confidence from yourself and not based on the approval of this stupid girl. I believe in time you will find someone who knows your real value and won't treat you like dirt and then you will forget about this b.

September 3, 2012

I can totally relate. My ex said that she had lost interest in me for as much as 9 months and made me go through a cross country move with her and we were engaged! She has said some of the same things your ex has said to you and you simply just have to try and move past it. The first step is totally cutting off contact if you can, and I think you took that step after your call.

My ex jumped in bed with another guy pretty much the week after she dumped me. She met him in the city of my birth and went to some of my favorite places with him. He then came and visited her recently out here and I believe she also took him to some of the places where we have memories. It sucks, it hurts, it's like getting kicked really hard below the belt. She is basically saying that you are not good enough for her and you have to accept that. Your best bet is to forget her and not let her walk all over you again. You have to learn to derive self confidence from yourself and not based on the approval of this stupid girl. I believe in time you will find someone who knows your real value and won't treat you like dirt and then you will forget about this b.

Wow, that sounds a lot like my situation but that must have been even rougher being engaged and moving like that. I'm sorry you had to go through that crap man and I feel for you. What ever happened to her? Is she still with that same guy? It's crazy how they think we're not good enough for them and then they go and jump in the sack with another soon after. That makes them look bad, IMO. I don't know about your ex but mine had several partners before me so if anything my ex is now this dude's problem.

You mention self confidence and I always had a lot of it and I didn't notice it till now that she was just driving that in the ground. It's amazing how much life she sucked out of me and it was my fault for not noticing it. I thought I was just being accepting while she was actually walking all over me. I'm done with her and I know this but it's just taken a huge chunk out of my ego. I'm trying to rebuild that now. Was it like this for you and did you come back to your old self?

September 3, 2012

Ppl like her are in a constant rebound and have a tendency to downgrade, not upgrade.

She will contact you in a few months to get together with you.

You could be an ass and sleep with one of her friends.

September 3, 2012

Ppl like her are in a constant rebound and have a tendency to downgrade, not upgrade.

She will contact you in a few months to get together with you.

You could be an ass and sleep with one of her friends.

And that seems like what she's doing. My friends who saw the dude kept telling me how much better looking I am than this guy (I don't mean this to sound shallow) and that he looks like a douche. Why do you think people like her are like that? My ego is hurt so much because I feel like a whore broke up with me and I think of myself as a decent guy.

September 3, 2012

Swingers is possibly the best break-up movie ever!

fray - DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP! You shouldn't feel so bad that you were nice! Like I said before, those who are nice to others for something in return, are weak. People who are nice to others because they like to be accepting of other people, are just nice people!

Just make sure that when you give, you keep enough for yourself. Giving should be a pleasure, not a pain in the ass. We don't need to weaken ourselves in order to give to others. Just give your surplus!

I don't see it as a massive deal that you are learning about this now. It's called growing. Knowledge is acquired in pieces. You've just got another piece under your belt. And please remember that YOU had the balls to end this. Hats off.

September 4, 2012

Swingers is possibly the best break-up movie ever!

fray - DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP! You shouldn't feel so bad that you were nice! Like I said before, those who are nice to others for something in return, are weak. People who are nice to others because they like to be accepting of other people, are just nice people!

Just make sure that when you give, you keep enough for yourself. Giving should be a pleasure, not a pain in the ass. We don't need to weaken ourselves in order to give to others. Just give your surplus!

I don't see it as a massive deal that you are learning about this now. It's called growing. Knowledge is acquired in pieces. You've just got another piece under your belt. And please remember that YOU had the balls to end this. Hats off.

Yeah, i definitely wasn't giving my kindness expecting for her to do things in return. I was just being there for her as I would expect a good boyfriend to do. Then, when it came to me and I was having some stressful times with some health stuff, she was hardly there. One of my buddies told me maybe I could've stood my ground in some situations, but when I did that the first time she told me I was overprotective.

I'm trying to learn from this as well as possible. It's still so weird to think that she would tell me all this stuff about how much she loves me and wants to be with me forever and then just a month later she's in a relationship with another dude. Makes me a little nervous about future relationships if someone tells me those things will I truly be able to accept/believe them.

September 4, 2012

she would tell me all this stuff about how much she loves me and wants to be with me forever and then just a month later she's in a relationship with another dude. Makes me a little nervous about future relationships if someone tells me those things will I truly be able to accept/believe them.

If you'll experience a few times at least you will realize that it is not a guarantee for anything. It is merely a statement of how we feel right now, and that this feeling can change. It is beautiful and it is true when it happens and is said, so indulge, but love is still basically just a feeling which can change. I realize I sound very pessimistic and I think being burned too many times have changed some core beliefs inside me, but I still think we must just be realistic and truly value love while it is there but also accept its volatile nature.

September 5, 2012

If you'll experience a few times at least you will realize that it is not a guarantee for anything. It is merely a statement of how we feel right now, and that this feeling can change. It is beautiful and it is true when it happens and is said, so indulge, but love is still basically just a feeling which can change. I realize I sound very pessimistic and I think being burned too many times have changed some core beliefs inside me, but I still think we must just be realistic and truly value love while it is there but also accept its volatile nature.

I realize there isn't a guarantee for everything, and that feelings can change. However, I do believe in that one love that will last forever. I can accept things changed with my ex and I. What I don't agree with is the way she handled everythine- the lies she told me, the way she treated me- it was just very unecessary and selfish. You have a good point when you say we should value love, we should. It's just a really sad fact that you can give someone your love and then have them run over it and on to the next relationship 2 wks later.

September 5, 2012

I realize there isn't a guarantee for everything, and that feelings can change. However, I do believe in that one love that will last forever. I can accept things changed with my ex and I. What I don't agree with is the way she handled everythine- the lies she told me, the way she treated me- it was just very unecessary and selfish. You have a good point when you say we should value love, we should. It's just a really sad fact that you can give someone your love and then have them run over it and on to the next relationship 2 wks later.

This is what I'm facing, I'm terrified that my ex will go and run to another guy. She told me loads of lies and lead me on for weeks telling me she loved me but eventually told me she lost everything for me. If she does go and get with another guy I'll be absolutely destroyed inside but hey... it'll be her loss.

September 5, 2012

This is what I'm facing, I'm terrified that my ex will go and run to another guy. She told me loads of lies and lead me on for weeks telling me she loved me but eventually told me she lost everything for me. If she does go and get with another guy I'll be absolutely destroyed inside but hey... it'll be her loss.

and if she does go to another guy?

then what?

you're not going to die or melt or explode.

this is the way of the world. people do what makes them happy.

can we really blame them?

September 5, 2012

and if she does go to another guy?
then what?

you're not going to die or melt or explode.
this is the way of the world. people do what makes them happy.

can we really blame them?

I wouldn't do anything to stop her, it's totally her life. She can do as she pleases.

I just guess I hope she still has respect for me to not go and break me even more.

September 5, 2012

I wouldn't do anything to stop her, it's totally her life. She can do as she pleases.

I just guess I hope she still has respect for me to not go and break me even more.

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.

If you guys are broken up nobody owes anyone anything.

Trust me I feel your pain, but you cant think that way anymore.

September 5, 2012

I wouldn't do anything to stop her, it's totally her life. She can do as she pleases.

I just guess I hope she still has respect for me to not go and break me even more.

I feel for you man. Like I'm sure everyone has told you on here, let go and move on. I wondered the same stuff about if she respects me or not, is she having a hard time, etc. Well, as you read, she is already in a relationship with another guy 2 wks after we broke up. I guess I can say I feel pretty disrespected and it's a huge shot to my ego but I'm trying to move on with my life. As the one guy above said, people will do what makes them happy. That's completely ok but people like you and I think they should at least be honest and go about it the correct way. However, not all people are like this and the fact is there are those cold, heartless people who don't consider anyone but themselves. This is something I've been coming to an understanding of and it really bothers me. If your ex goes onto someone else quick, like mine did, they weren't ever worth your time in the first place. Quit worrying about her and make yourself a better person.

September 5, 2012

I'm trying my hardest to keep her off my mind but whenever i'm alone its just there, when I shut my eyes shes there. I know she'll be going out this weekend with friends and i'll end up driving myself insane constantly thinking about what shes doing. I probs wont even sleep at all.

September 5, 2012

I'm trying my hardest to keep her off my mind but whenever i'm alone its just there, when I shut my eyes shes there. I know she'll be going out this weekend with friends and i'll end up driving myself insane constantly thinking about what shes doing. I probs wont even sleep at all.

That'll pass with time, buddy. Mine was really bad at first and it has slowly gotten better. Sure, I still have thoughts about what she's doing. Get this, my ex already has a new bf who I know is screwing her- how about that? You know what that makes me think- that she's a skank and I can't believe I gave someone like that so much of my time. Listen, you have to hang out with your friends/fam. Stay around people as much as you can!Then, those times when you're alone will get easier. I know exactly what you're feeling and it's like your mind is torturing you. Hang in there!

September 5, 2012

That'll pass with time, buddy. Mine was really bad at first and it has slowly gotten better. Sure, I still have thoughts about what she's doing. Get this, my ex already has a new bf who I know is screwing her- how about that? You know what that makes me think- that she's a skank and I can't believe I gave someone like that so much of my time. Listen, you have to hang out with your friends/fam. Stay around people as much as you can!Then, those times when you're alone will get easier. I know exactly what you're feeling and it's like your mind is torturing you. Hang in there!

It's good to know you felt that way hopefully I do. I dont want to be upset and angry if I find out she has. Thank you for the advise. I just want to get back to sleeping properly, there isnt anything more painful than being awake at 3am all friends asleep, nothing to do except sit in darkness and cry.

September 5, 2012

That'll pass with time, buddy. Mine was really bad at first and it has slowly gotten better. Sure, I still have thoughts about what she's doing. Get this, my ex already has a new bf who I know is screwing her- how about that? You know what that makes me think- that she's a skank and I can't believe I gave someone like that so much of my time. Listen, you have to hang out with your friends/fam. Stay around people as much as you can!Then, those times when you're alone will get easier. I know exactly what you're feeling and it's like your mind is torturing you. Hang in there!

I won't go into detail but I had a similar situation. The way I look at it now, the guy she is with now has to deal with all of her crap, and believe me, it was a load. I am happy he is the one that has to deal with it, not me.

Fray, one thing from your original post is that you said she was basically being an a**hole to you on purpose and then judging you negatively because you were nice to her in return. Look at it like this, if you were still with her 5 years from now she would still be playing that game. You'd have spent 5 years with someone that purposely acted like an a**hole toward you to see if you would fight with her. So in a word, if you liked knock-down, drag-out, fights all the time, she would have stayed. Fun!

One day you'd get your fill and see that all the things that made you want to be with her would annoy the hell out of you. Think of someone that just rubs you the wrong way, they are not attractive to you and things they do ALL annoy you whether justified or not. Years of resentment would add up and if you were still together, one day you would wake up and realize you just wanted her to go away. you'd feel embarrased to be with someone you no longer found attractive.

You dodged a bullet.

September 5, 2012

It's good to know you felt that way hopefully I do. I dont want to be upset and angry if I find out she has. Thank you for the advise. I just want to get back to sleeping properly, there isnt anything more painful than being awake at 3am all friends asleep, nothing to do except sit in darkness and cry.

Pal, there isn't any shame in sitting up at 3am crying. There for the first couple weeks, I would just feel like randomly crying most of the day. Hell, just sitting at work, I'd all of a sudden get tears in my eyes. This is just the grieving process, and I'm still going through it 3 wks later but it has gotten better. And here's another thing that makes it harder- you're doing all of this crying and moping around while she's just fine and happy (or at least she thinks she is). Here's the deal... when you have to cry let it out, when you want to scream, scream as loud as you can. You'll get your normal sleeping habits back with time. Mine are much better but I still have trouble when I want to nap in the middle of the day. Keep in mind that tons of others are going through what you and I are right now too. You can PM me anytime you want! Talking is one of the best things you can do right now.

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A little more than 2 wks after breakup she's hanging out with another guy

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