My boyfriend seems less interested (in sex especially) - thoughts?

August 30, 2012

We've been together almost a year, and while many of those times have been great, a few months back we went through a very rough period where we were fighting all the time. Eventually it culminated and we almost broke up, but we decided how stupid we'd been and realised we were dedicated to making things work. I should mention that we are semi-LDR, but for the majority of the relationship would see eachother and sleep over together a couple of times a week.

Lately though, things have changed. There are a few reasons for this: he has been very busy with a new hobby (that I posted about previously and which he has been taking very seriously/that he is starting to earn money from) and as a result I've had to cope with seeing him less because I know how important it is to him. He's just start to follow his dream, and its taking up time. Secondly, he lost his job due to factors out of his control. Apart from this, we have just been building the relationship back up, there have been no fights and we started re-dating in a way (it felt like the honeymoon phase all over again).

But for the past weeks or so I feel like we hardly see eachother. Yes, it's because he's busy and because I'm busy, but the big red flag for me is: sex has become almost non-existent. The first time we had sex again after not seeing eachother for a long time he said it was amazing and that it had been far too long. Then when I next saw him, we went to an event near where he lived; and yet he didn't ask me to stay over (it takes a while for me to get home after we've stayed out late). He started to suggest it the later it got, but I felt like he was making excuses. At one point I said he seemed distracted, so I asked if he was alright and he said he was okay. I then asked how he was feeling (re: recent unemployment) and he said 'not good', and started talking about it.

As the night came to an end, he suggested we next see eachother almost a week from that night, I said I would like to see him more, ie. maybe twice a week (like before). He said okay to this, but it feels frustrating for me. He wasn't very affectionate either, and I wonder if things are getting stale/routine for him.

Should I just ride this out, consider it a relationship wave of sorts? I don't want to make a big deal, but I'm not altogether content with the way things are.

edit: our sex life hasn't been the same since that period of fighting/since he became busier. so I'm not sure which is the culprit, but I do know that he is generally happy in my company - but just that last time, seemed very off.

Edited August 30, 2012 by Lovezen_30

August 30, 2012

Does anyone have any advice? Insight would be much appreciated.

August 30, 2012

This happened with me and my ex. There was a period of time where I noticed the sex had dropped off, and was virtually non-existent. I journal a lot and I had recorded this period of weeks.

I found out 2 years later, he was cheating on me during that time.

I'm not saying yours IS cheating on you... however my ex pulled the same lines. "I'm tired. I'm stressed. Work is so busy. I have so much going on. Nothing's wrong."

Yeah, OK.

Guys don't just stop having sex with someone they're into for no reason. Something is going on. He may not be physically cheating, but he could have his attention occupied by someone else. Especially if you don't see him much to begin with, and you visit him and he doesn't ask you to spend the night?...

He could also be detaching emotionally/no longer happy in the relationship with you. Guys will detach emotionally before generally pulling the plug.

August 30, 2012

I know the things I have listed here would match a cheating situation, but I don't think it's the case in this scenario. To be frank: with this new hobby of his, he is spending the majority of his time on that, and is always very open about his schedule. On top of that, he shares a flat with his cousin and a friend who I've become very close to ( we all spend time together).

I wouldn't like to find out I'm wrong, but I think it's more likely to be that he's spending more time on something else, rather than someone else. I noticed the one time he got more lovey dovey during the course of the evening was when I asked how he was feeling about his unemployed situation. He took my hands in his, and started opening up about it. So I think that could be it, but I feel uneasy at the moment. Maybe I should just try and ride it out, but on the other hand I don't want to just ignore it in case it's something worse...

August 30, 2012

I know the things I have listed here would match a cheating situation, but I don't think it's the case in this scenario. To be frank: with this new hobby of his, he is spending the majority of his time on that, and is always very open about his schedule. On top of that, he shares a flat with his cousin and a friend who I've become very close to ( we all spend time together).

I wouldn't like to find out I'm wrong, but I think it's more likely to be that he's spending more time on something else, rather than someone else. I noticed the one time he got more lovey dovey during the course of the evening was when I asked how he was feeling about his unemployed situation. He took my hands in his, and started opening up about it. So I think that could be it, but I feel uneasy at the moment. Maybe I should just try and ride it out, but on the other hand I don't want to just ignore it in case it's something worse...

I hope you're not wrong, but if someone's going to cheat, they're going to find the time to do so. I ignored my instinct with my ex because there was always excuses. He lived with his parents, 2 brothers... who WOULDN'T see if he was cheating?

Oh he found the opportunity.

August 30, 2012

if there is no sex or barely any, then its a bad sign

especially for a guy, guys are horny and need sex all the time

if he doesnt even have sex with his GIRLFRIEND than thats worse

August 30, 2012

Are you sure he is "over" your near break up? What were the fights about? I think his opinion of you has changed and likely because of all those fights and almost breaking up.

But for the past weeks or so I feel like we hardly see eachother. Yes, it's because he's busy and because I'm busy, but the big red flag for me is: sex has become almost non-existent. The first time we had sex again after not seeing eachother for a long time he said it was amazing and that it had been far too long. Then when I next saw him, we went to an event near where he lived; and yet he didn't ask me to stay over (it takes a while for me to get home after we've stayed out late). He started to suggest it the later it got, but I felt like he was making excuses.

I wonder why he didn't want you to stay that night.

He is pulling away, big time.

He wasn't very affectionate either, and I wonder if things are getting stale/routine for him.

I would say it's too soon for things to feel "stale/routine". Esp if you only see one another once or twice a week.

Should I just ride this out, consider it a relationship wave of sorts? I don't want to make a big deal, but I'm not altogether content with the way things are.

I would not just ride it out. I would ask him straight up what is going on.

It sounds like your boyfriend is checking out of this R. I would doubt it's because of stress, yes that could bring his mood down but he shouldn't take it out on you. I think it is because of your fighting and almost break up. He just looks at you and your R differently now, he is unsure of it and he is testing the waters basically, he is seeing what his life is like w/o you in it by seeing you less and keeping himself detached.

August 30, 2012

Hi veggirl, thanks for your response, and I would appreciate a little more advice, so will try to tackle your points.

Well, there were a few things. For one thing, I was on contraception that was throwing my hormones out of wack and I took it out on him (unfairly, but it took me a while to realise that was affecting me so much). The other thing is that I am very expressive about my emotions and he is not; so basically, he couldn't tell me he loved me, and this seemed to be linked to his ex long term gf telling him she didn't love him and breaking his heart. Secondly, we would always read emails etc in front of eachother, and I realised this girl was emailing him a lot (and also noticed that while he responded, he sounded disinterested, but she was pushing it. One night I was in the bathroom at a bar when we were out together, and she showed up and started over-the-top flirting. I flipped, and we had this major fight which all came down to me being insecure in the relationship and not believing in his feelings. I pushed him away, basically.

I've been working on things majorly since then, mainly for my own emotional health, but for the relationship too. I came off the contraception, took up a lot of self-therapy for whenever I'm feeling stressed and started some new hobbies, so I've been feeling great; more independent and happier. Well, the confusing thing is that there have now been two occasions when he hasn't asked me to stay. The first time we actually had a great date, and were gazing into eachothers eyes like it was the first few weeks all over again. He told me he loved me, and was much more able to be expressive. Obviously, I was worried his opinion had changed, like you said, but it really didn't seem the case. This was actually after a period of being part, where he was in contact every day. But the next time I saw him things were different. Is it possible that this is because he has been thinking about/worrying about our relationship going back to the way it was since then? Even though we've been doing really well on the surface?

Edited August 30, 2012 by Lovezen_30

August 30, 2012

extra info: he's still been very communicative every day that we're not together. And actually, thinking about it...most of the time when we had those fights they'd occur after having a nice night/date (for some reason, it would all come out later). But I can't believe this possibility would even be in his line of thinking.

August 30, 2012

Well, there were a few things. For one thing, I was on contraception that was throwing my hormones out of wack and I took it out on him (unfairly, but it took me a while to realise that was affecting me so much).

This is understandable. BC did the same thing to me, I swear it made me feel crazy. I feel you on that. I'm glad you're not on it anymore, and hopefully he understands about that issue.

Secondly, we would always read emails etc in front of eachother, and I realised this girl was emailing him a lot (and also noticed that while he responded, he sounded disinterested, but she was pushing it. One night I was in the bathroom at a bar when we were out together, and she showed up and started over-the-top flirting. I flipped, and we had this major fight which all came down to me being insecure in the relationship and not believing in his feelings. I pushed him away, basically

Who is this girl? How does he know her? Has he expressly told her that he is not interested? This is a huge red flag. Anyone would feel insecure with a woman flirting with their boyfriend and him allowing it..

Is it possible that this is because he has been thinking about/worrying about our relationship going back to the way it was since then? Even though we've been doing really well on the surface?

yes it is possible that is what is going on. Very possible I think.

I wonder also if he is considering things with this other girl. Can you give us more info on her/their R?

August 30, 2012

He did seem understanding when I explained about it.

He knows her through work; there was a period while he was her manager, and they would converse via email about work things. I was very *raised eyebrows* when I saw it, so he just explained what it was about, but when I saw the emails she was pushy about discussing non-work type things - which he seemed to be very firm about at the time, pushing the subject back to the work task at hand (and I always got the impression he was just conversing with her where he had to). Moreover, I wasn't very worried because she's a bit of a joke in the workplace (sleeping around, generally not being a nice person etc) and she isn't attractive, so I wasn't feeling too threatened...but she had become obsessive about contacting him.

That night when she was all over him, I came back from the bathroom and she had taken my seat, so I sat opposite them. When she sidled upto him, and was flirting etc, he did reach for my hand and smiled sort of reassuringly (when I think back on it) but I was so green with jealousy I barely noticed at the time!

They don't work together now, but there is a possibility they might again. I feel I can't ask him if she still contacts him, because I'm supposed to be fully trusting him this time.

So, what if this is the case, that he's treading carefully because he's worried that I'll lose the plot again? I'm ashamed of my behaviour at that time, but I know within myself even if he can't see it that I'm much better now (though we haven't discussed this, at all. We just agreed to make it work). He is in touch every day we are apart, and is often very loving when are together; but recently has been colder (though insists he's fine) and doesn't ask me to stay. Perhaps, because we would often fight when I would stay. But I am convinced things are going to be different if he can believe in us. What next?

August 30, 2012

I was at a catch up dinner with people an hour or so ago, and when I got out had a voice message from my boyfriend to let me know that that my friend has broken her leg. Seems like a thoughtful gesture. This is why I'm confused...

August 30, 2012

if there is no sex or barely any, then its a bad sign

especially for a guy, guys are horny and need sex all the time

if he doesnt even have sex with his GIRLFRIEND than thats worse

This is false. I'm a guy and I don't need sex (no one does) nor am I horny all the time. In fact, I'm never horny. Some guys just have low sex drives.

August 30, 2012

Yeah. I wouldn't say that above comment could match my boyfriend, because while he's never had a really low sex drive, it's never been high either.

August 30, 2012

Yeah. I wouldn't say that above comment could match my boyfriend, because while he's never had a really low sex drive, it's never been high either.

It's possible it's just low right now. I'm no sexologist, but I'm pretty sure I've read that sex drives can fluctuate.

August 30, 2012

Seemingly detached from you + attention from another girl = a good chance of cheating.

I wouldn't discount it as a possibility here.

August 30, 2012

I don't believe that my boyfriend would cheat on me. I've been there before, and my current bf is probably one of the most trustworthy men I've had in my life so far.

In fact...we talked about cheating about a week ago! I think we were talking about the Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson fiasco, and he said there was never an excuse for it (he's had strong views on this before, after a close friend cheated on his long-term gf). Honestly, I will keep my eyes and ears open regardless, but I don't *think* it's the case here.

August 30, 2012

I think you need to bite the bullet and tell him you need a straight answer as to why things are "off" right now. Tell him you don't want to have to guess and you don't want to assume.

I mean the facts are he is pulling away, less affectionate, less sexual, etc. Those aren't good things. You def have a right to know what is going on. Do you think he will be straight with you if you ask? I don't mean to start a fight like "what the fk is your problem?!", but I also don't mean for you to coddle him with "aw baby I just wanna know whats wrong". Just be to the point, no nonsense and find out. I mean how long can you sit around wondering? That would kill me! Not knowing is worse, isn't it? At least if you find out you will know how to proceed.

August 31, 2012

Feeling all over the place about this today. I think I've been so hopeful about making sure everything is running smoothly between us, that I was just convincing myself that everything was okay. Then I felt really upset, followed by angry.

So, say we've went out together on Wednesday night. It gets late, he says I can stay (but makes excuses about why it might not be a great idea anyway...puts me off completely. Though I know I could've stayed if I'd wanted). He then asks to see me the following Monday, granted partly because he is abroad for a few days and I am busy, but there is no need to wait another 5 days. When I ask to see him sooner, he says yes. And, we haven't slept together in about 10 days. Am I crazy or is he still really angry at me?? He's actually been more vocal about saying he loves me than before that fighting period...

We have always been LDR, so it would usually only be 2 days a week we'd see eachother again anyway. But this feels like casual dating all over again. I'm starting to wonder if he has peter pan syndrome or something, as he has always been very independent. How do I speak to him about this without seeming nuts again?

edit: The thing is: the reason for that period of fighting wasn't completely my fault but it was mainly my fault - we almost broke up, in fact the whole relationship was hanging by a thread. It's only been four weeks since that happened, and things have ran *relatively* smoothly since then - and I suppose I couldn't have expected things to go back to the way they were instantly. I suppose what I'm really wondering is if he's being cautious because of what happened before, and if so, will things ever go back to the way they were...

Edited August 31, 2012 by Lovezen_30

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