Friends first? For how long?

[Mycteria]

Question for guys. Say you meet an extremely attractive girl: very very smart, gorgeous, genuinely good person, strong morals, and really fun to be around. She tells you that she likes you but she wants to be friends for a long time before she would consider a relationship. Her reasoning is that she wants to make sure it's right and because y'all are both very young and it wouldn't work out long term if you started dating this early anyway.

 

Would you be willing to be friends for a long time (years maybe) before developing an actual relationship? Keep in mind that you would be able to sleep with anyone else, date other girls, etc. So it's not like she's asking you to put your life on hold to wait for her.

 

This isn't me, btw. This is actually about my sister. I have my own views on this but I want to see what the guys thought.

[Greznog]

Question for guys. Say you meet an extremely attractive girl: very very smart, gorgeous, genuinely good person, strong morals, and really fun to be around. She tells you that she likes you but she wants to be friends for a long time before she would consider a relationship. Her reasoning is that she wants to make sure it's right and because y'all are both very young and it wouldn't work out long term if you started dating this early anyway.

 

Would you be willing to be friends for a long time (years maybe) before developing an actual relationship? Keep in mind that you would be able to sleep with anyone else, date other girls, etc. So it's not like she's asking you to put your life on hold to wait for her.

 

This isn't me, btw. This is actually about my sister. I have my own views on this but I want to see what the guys thought.

 

No, what possible reason could I have for wanting to be friends with a woman?

 

Especially if she's really attractive I have no desire to hang around while she approaches her expiration date only to be called in once dem ovaries start rattling.

[Emilia]

Would you be willing to be friends for a long time (years maybe) before developing an actual relationship? Keep in mind that you would be able to sleep with anyone else, date other girls, etc. So it's not like she's asking you to put your life on hold to wait for her.

 

This isn't me, btw. This is actually about my sister. I have my own views on this but I want to see what the guys thought.

 

I don't think you need to be a guy to respond to this

 

It means your sister is not ready for intimate relationships. She would ask him to put his life on hold for her because she would expect him to maintain emotional connection with her even if he was physically sleeping with other girls. It sounds to me that your sister would want guys to prove to her by going through hell that they truly want her - even if they have the opportunity to date other women.

 

Very very insecure. I would run a mile from a person like that.

[Mycteria]

So what do you do if you're not ready for a relationship? Cut all guys out of your life whose friendships you value who you are attracted to?

 

For instance she has this one friend. They love each other very much. They kiss every now and then and are affectionate, but they know she isn't ready for a relationship. They are best friends and visit each other often even though they live far apart. But she doesn't want a relationship for a long time. She's only 18 and knows it would be pointless. I don't know what he wants. I'm pretty sure he wants a relationship. But he doesn't rush her and seems perfectly happy with the way things are right now. I'm sure he has other girls in town and wouldn't have a problem dating other women. But he loves my sister and stays close to her even though he knows she's not ready for a relationship. And he is NOT the beta male type. In fact I would say he's a pretty dominant and extremely intelligent/attractive guy.

 

And this is sort of about me too. I just got out of a 3 year relationship and I know that I need a good few years of being single before I get into another relationship if I want that relationship to have any chance of surviving. So does this mean that I am supposed to cut out all the guys from my life that I am attracted to and who are attracted to me? (Guys who would date me if they had the chance, and who I would like to date eventually too?) Is it asking to much to tell a guy that I want to be friends for a long time?

[Emilia]

So what do you do if you're not ready for a relationship? Cut all guys out of your life whose friendships you value who you are attracted to?

 

Leading people on is cruel especially when they are young.

 

For instance she has this one friend. They love each other very much. They kiss every now and then and are affectionate, but they know she isn't ready for a relationship. They are best friends and visit each other often even though they live far apart. But she doesn't want a relationship for a long time. She's only 18 and knows it would be pointless. I don't know what he wants. I'm pretty sure he wants a relationship. But he doesn't rush her and seems perfectly happy with the way things are right now. I'm sure he has other girls in town and wouldn't have a problem dating other women. But he loves my sister and stays close to her even though he knows she's not ready for a relationship. And he is NOT the beta male type. In fact I would say he's a pretty dominant and extremely intelligent/attractive guy.

 

How old is he?

 

And this is sort of about me too. I just got out of a 3 year relationship and I know that I need a good few years of being single before I get into another relationship if I want that relationship to have any chance of surviving. So does this mean that I am supposed to cut out all the guys from my life that I am attracted to and who are attracted to me? (Guys who would date me if they had the chance, and who I would like to date eventually too?) Is it asking to much to tell a guy that I want to be friends for a long time?

 

No, just don't hang out with them one on one. I didn't know this either until I got older how selfish that is. I don't spend excessive amount of time with men one on one unless I'm interested in dating them. Hanging out in groups is different, I do have a friend whom I talk to from time to time because sometimes we walk home together (live near each other) after being out with friends. I'd never take him out for a drink or a coffee though. We used to live in a houseshare but we didn't spend much time one on one there either.

 

It's good to keep your distance if you don't want to date. That's what I believe in. No mindf**k for anyone and believe me guys appreciate that

[todreaminblue]

Question for guys. Say you meet an extremely attractive girl: very very smart, gorgeous, genuinely good person, strong morals, and really fun to be around. She tells you that she likes you but she wants to be friends for a long time before she would consider a relationship. Her reasoning is that she wants to make sure it's right and because y'all are both very young and it wouldn't work out long term if you started dating this early anyway.

 

Would you be willing to be friends for a long time (years maybe) before developing an actual relationship? Keep in mind that you would be able to sleep with anyone else, date other girls, etc. So it's not like she's asking you to put your life on hold to wait for her.

 

This isn't me, btw. This is actually about my sister. I have my own views on this but I want to see what the guys thought.

 

 

 

i have only dated from a friend pool after lengthy getting to know periods both times have failed.....i am not doing it again....i am over double your sisters age my first friendship turned relationship started around that age though.....i think it causes problems....well it did for me ..i think they resented me....they both acted pretty badly once they were with me.....calling me bitch and other pleasant names..........i wont do that again......i will get to know someone before i become intimate or I start a relationship though that's for their benefit too... i am not a one night two night type of person again my age and the standards i choose to live by now come into it...i am looking for commitment and understanding if the guy doesnt understand me it would not be a good relationship and i think i take just more than a little time to understand i dotn wan t aguy who just wants sex i can get that anywhere easily....i want a guy who wants to be with me in every way......wont settle for less

[Emilia]

To add to the OP, I haven't found a corelation so far between friendship first and a successful relationship. My last relationship was with someone I was friends with before and his confidence disappeared as soon as things turned sexual and intimate. Yes I prefer to get to know someone before I date them, I don't date strangers, but I don't want to be friends with them beforehand, I don't think it's a productive way to screen. People are different in a relationship than outside of it.

[Greznog]

Is it asking to much to tell a guy that I want to be friends for a long time?

 

Yes, yes it is.

[madjac74]

People who say they just want to be friends for now, really have lost all hope in dating and don't want to get their hopes up. Those are the people who put that in their profile on OLD...like me.

 

And when you meet us in real, you can see it in our smug expressions.

[grkBoy]

Question for guys. Say you meet an extremely attractive girl: very very smart, gorgeous, genuinely good person, strong morals, and really fun to be around. She tells you that she likes you but she wants to be friends for a long time before she would consider a relationship. Her reasoning is that she wants to make sure it's right and because y'all are both very young and it wouldn't work out long term if you started dating this early anyway.

 

Would you be willing to be friends for a long time (years maybe) before developing an actual relationship? Keep in mind that you would be able to sleep with anyone else, date other girls, etc. So it's not like she's asking you to put your life on hold to wait for her.

 

This isn't me, btw. This is actually about my sister. I have my own views on this but I want to see what the guys thought.

 

My viewpoint...based on experiences and observaton:

 

"Friends first" is a load of BS. 19 out of 20 times, it's the girl wanting to put a guy on the shelf while she takes some time to see if a "Bigger Better Deal" comes along. If such a specimen does not appear by 5-6 months, then she'll try a RL with her now backup plan, aka "the friend".

 

Most of the time though, this never happens. The girl will meet some guy who sets her heart ablaze and thus this guy never gets the "friends first" treatment. Even if she doesn't meet said guy, she'll still friendzone her "friends first" man because too many women are ingrained to not see male friends as potential boyfriends. That is, until they are at their lowest point in life and thus see the "friend" as a last resort.

 

I won't do it, and I tell guys not to do it. Be her friend, or her date. If a woman I want to date wants me in her life, then we date. If she wants to say "friends first", I'm gone. If she makes a stink about my attitude, I point out how many times she complains about guys who play games on her and how she hates it.

 

You can "take it slow" if you like a guy. You just can't put him in the friendzone and then pick him out of it later when it suits your needs. Chumps accept this, and you see how few ever make it to "boyfriend". Men will walk and find a girl who wants to date now.

 

 

NOW...since you or your sister aren't up for a relationship right now, I want to tell you THAT'S OK. No one said you had to dive into a full-on RL. Go out on some dates with different guys if you want male companionship. Make out with a guy you think is cute if you need that intimacy, sleep with him even. Why should guys only get to do that?

 

There's nothing "slutty" about it. Just go, have fun, be safe, be honest (don't lead anyone on), and go further when you're fully ready to.

 

If a guy is wanting to date you, somewhere in the "getting to know you" time just tell him you're not ready for commitment. Tell him you like him, think he's cute, etc...but if he's looking to get all "girlfriend/boyfriend" right now then he had better move on. He had better not have an issue if he sees you out with some other guy or even if you pick someone else to be the "boyfriend" when you're ready.

 

I know...fat chance a guy will be that mature...but hopefully at least the clingy ones will move on as opposed to giving things a shot.

[irc333]

I don't understand this Friends First crap, (esp for years) when the ACTUAL intention (the end game) is to be in a relationship with that woman?

 

So does this mean that that particular woman would be dating other men other than yourself (the friend)?

 

Esp, when the attraction is there?

 

Question for guys. Say you meet an extremely attractive girl: very very smart, gorgeous, genuinely good person, strong morals, and really fun to be around. She tells you that she likes you but she wants to be friends for a long time before she would consider a relationship. Her reasoning is that she wants to make sure it's right and because y'all are both very young and it wouldn't work out long term if you started dating this early anyway.

 

Would you be willing to be friends for a long time (years maybe) before developing an actual relationship? Keep in mind that you would be able to sleep with anyone else, date other girls, etc. So it's not like she's asking you to put your life on hold to wait for her.

 

This isn't me, btw. This is actually about my sister. I have my own views on this but I want to see what the guys thought.

[Mycteria]

I don't understand this Friends First crap, (esp for years) when the ACTUAL intention (the end game) is to be in a relationship with that woman?

 

So does this mean that that particular woman would be dating other men other than yourself (the friend)?

 

Esp, when the attraction is there?

Yes, the end goal is a relationship. But in my case, I know that if I get into a relationship right now, it is going to fail. Because I have been in relationships since I was 17 and need some time to myself to be single. If I meet a great guy in the meantime, am I supposed to cut contact with him immediately just because I'm not ready for a relationship at this point in time? Or is it ok to remain in touch, as friends, until a later point in time when I am ready? If both of us are single at that point and still interested in starting something, then great. If not, that's fine too. That's my view on it, anyway.

 

In my sister's case, she just knows she's too young. Has too much going on right now and knows she can't handle a relationship. But she really cares about this guy and he cares about her so they are remaining friends. Maybe they'll hook up later, maybe not. She's not asking him not to see other people in the meantime. And he knows she's a truly amazing person and so he's happy to just be her friend.

 

 

To grkBoy:

It seems like the first part of your post contradicts the last part. But I think I see what you are saying. I'm just not sure the specifics. In the last part, are you saying to basically date around but keep it casual? In other words, don't just be friends with these guys...date them...but just don't make it exclusive until you are ready?

[Mycteria]

To add to the OP, I haven't found a corelation so far between friendship first and a successful relationship. My last relationship was with someone I was friends with before and his confidence disappeared as soon as things turned sexual and intimate. Yes I prefer to get to know someone before I date them, I don't date strangers, but I don't want to be friends with them beforehand, I don't think it's a productive way to screen. People are different in a relationship than outside of it.

It's not about screening really at all (at least not for me. She says that's one of her reasons). It's about the fact that neither I nor my sister want a relationship right now. For my part, I've got a million things I want to get accomplished before I join my life with someone else's again. Things I can't do in a relationship. I'm just not sure how to handle it if I meet someone amazing in the meantime. Do I cut contact with them so as not to lead them on? Unexclusively date them? Remain friends? What?

[irc333]

I won't do it, and I tell guys not to do it. Be her friend, or her date. If a woman I want to date wants me in her life, then we date. If she wants to say "friends first", I'm gone. If she makes a stink about my attitude, I point out how many times she complains about guys who play games on her and how she hates it.

 

Yeah, I had a former "female friend" tell me that since I couldn't be friends with her, that I have will have problems with future relationships, and that I could be "missing out" on these "wonderful" friendships.

 

It was weird, because she had an epiphany that "wow, men can't be friends with women, I should make note of that!"

 

She's an attractive woman, and funny, but she didn't feel "that way" about me. She claimed to say, "Well, I have had guy friends that had an interest in me, but when I told them I wasn't interested....they had no problems saying friends"

 

And I'm thinking "Yeah, right, they'll just tell you what you want to hear, and later they'll think you'll 'come around'".

 

She tried to shame me into thinking that there was something wrong with me because I had a problem with this.

[irc333]

Because I have been in relationships since I was 17 and need some time to myself to be single. If I meet a great guy in the meantime, am I supposed to cut contact with him immediately just because I'm not ready for a relationship at this point in time?

 

I have been known to keep minimum contact or sometimes I have cut contact completely....why? Because I'm spending time with women who are wanting to develop a relationship.

 

There's this one woman I was getting to know, but she got out of a divorce a few months ago and is indeed not ready to date at all. She said it herself, so I might take a step back from her.\

 

But if we're talking and we're "clicking", I'll pursue something romantic, but not fast.

[ChatroomHero]

So what do you do if you're not ready for a relationship? Cut all guys out of your life whose friendships you value who you are attracted to?

 

For instance she has this one friend. They love each other very much. They kiss every now and then and are affectionate, but they know she isn't ready for a relationship. They are best friends and visit each other often even though they live far apart. But she doesn't want a relationship for a long time. She's only 18 and knows it would be pointless. I don't know what he wants. I'm pretty sure he wants a relationship. But he doesn't rush her and seems perfectly happy with the way things are right now. I'm sure he has other girls in town and wouldn't have a problem dating other women. But he loves my sister and stays close to her even though he knows she's not ready for a relationship. And he is NOT the beta male type. In fact I would say he's a pretty dominant and extremely intelligent/attractive guy.

 

And this is sort of about me too. I just got out of a 3 year relationship and I know that I need a good few years of being single before I get into another relationship if I want that relationship to have any chance of surviving. So does this mean that I am supposed to cut out all the guys from my life that I am attracted to and who are attracted to me? (Guys who would date me if they had the chance, and who I would like to date eventually too?) Is it asking to much to tell a guy that I want to be friends for a long time?

 

To any guy interested in you/her that would be very confusing at best. If I heard that, I would hear a nice way of "not interested". If you read these forums and somebody posts that a girl told him that, the women would all post that he should take the hint and move on.

 

From your perspective if you were ready to date and really interested in a guy and he told you that, how would it feel to be on the back burner until he was ready?

 

It would be a relationship full of frustrating mixed signals. Also, how would you know when the ready light switched on? It's not like a year later the person would get an acceptance letter saying "let's date now". nothing more frustrating in dating than mixed signals...I don't want you now, but let's kiss...that is the king of mixed signals.

[Emilia]

For my part, I've got a million things I want to get accomplished before I join my life with someone else's again. Things I can't do in a relationship. I'm just not sure how to handle it if I meet someone amazing in the meantime. Do I cut contact with them so as not to lead them on? Unexclusively date them? Remain friends? What?

 

I don't really understand why this is an issue. I talk to men every day I find attractive. For various reasons I can't date them (they are in a relationship, not a good fit for me otherwise, etc). So I socialise with them lightly because they are still fun company.

 

Why plan analyse things so much? If you don't want to date then don't. You can't have your cake and eat it too

[Mycteria]

I guess I'm basing this philosophy on my own experience with the opposite sex. Personally, I haven't known what it's like to experience unrequited love since I was 15. There have been a few guys that have come along that I've really liked and wanted a relationship with but they were either in relationships or didn't want a relationship for whatever reason. But they were amazing guys and so I stayed friends with them even though I had some romanc feelins for them. It was easy because once I learned that we weren't going to be together for whatever reason, I just viewed them as a friend and that was that.

 

It always really suprised me when I read on here over and over again about how guys refuse to be friends with a woman that they are romantically interested in but she doesn't want to date. Or guys that refuse to be friends with women at all. Have you never met a woman worthy of friendship? A woman that even if you couldn't date her, you would want to stay friends because of how much you learn from her or whatever?

 

My sister's friend remarked recently that he loves us because every time he is with us he learns something new. He doesn't want to give up a friendship even if he never dates my sister. At least that's how I see it.

 

I guess the views on friendship here always struck me as odd. It makes me think that most of the guys on here are not very complex or are not capable of developing relationships (friendships or otherwise) as deep as the ones that I am familiar with.

[ThaWholigan]

I guess I'm basing this philosophy on my own experience with the opposite sex. Personally, I haven't known what it's like to experience unrequited love since I was 15. There have been a few guys that have come along that I've really liked and wanted a relationship with but they were either in relationships or didn't want a relationship for whatever reason. But they were amazing guys and so I stayed friends with them even though I had some romanc feelins for them. It was easy because once I learned that we weren't going to be together for whatever reason, I just viewed them as a friend and that was that.

 

It always really suprised me when I read on here over and over again about how guys refuse to be friends with a woman that they are romantically interested in but she doesn't want to date. Or guys that refuse to be friends with women at all. Have you never met a woman worthy of friendship? A woman that even if you couldn't date her, you would want to stay friends because of how much you learn from her or whatever?

 

My sister's friend remarked recently that he loves us because every time he is with us he learns something new. He doesn't want to give up a friendship even if he never dates my sister. At least that's how I see it.

 

I guess the views on friendship here always struck me as odd. It makes me think that most of the guys on here are not very complex or are not capable of developing relationships (friendships or otherwise) as deep as the ones that I am familiar with.

The difference is sex. Men want to have a relationship with women, but they also want to have sex with them. That denial of sex is seen as a rejection. And besides, a lot of guys will stay friends even though they are attracted to the woman, but it is often too long a wait for them and they get impatient - or the woman is using them as a back-up while she dates other men and possibly has sex with them.

 

It's not necessarily the friendship itself. It's the sexual element that gets in the way.

[Mycteria]

I don't really understand why this is an issue. I talk to men every day I find attractive. For various reasons I can't date them (they are in a relationship, not a good fit for me otherwise, etc). So I socialise with them lightly because they are still fun company.

 

Why plan analyse things so much? If you don't want to date then don't. You can't have your cake and eat it too

Right, but women here get a TON of flack from guys for remaining friends with guys who they have no interest in dating. They say that it's stringing them along. What would you do if you met a guy who wanted to date you and you were interested in him too, but for whatever reason, you weren't ready for a relationship?

 

But really, what you would or what I should do wasn't the point of this thread. The answer is easy from my perspective - like you said, just don't date them. The point of the thread was to find out a guy's perspective on this. Would a guy be willing to remain casual friends in this scenario, or would he cut ties with the girl completely? Or would a guy be ok with a non-exclusive relationship for a period of time? Those are my questions.

[ThaWholigan]

Right, but women here get a TON of flack from guys for remaining friends with guys who they have no interest in dating. They say that it's stringing them along. What would you do if you met a guy who wanted to date you and you were interested in him too, but for whatever reason, you weren't ready for a relationship?

 

But really, what you would or what I should do wasn't the point of this thread. The answer is easy from my perspective - like you said, just don't date them. The point of the thread was to find out a guy's perspective on this. Would a guy be willing to remain casual friends in this scenario, or would he cut ties with the girl completely? Or would a guy be ok with a non-exclusive relationship for a period of time? Those are my questions.

I would probably remain friends, but I would probably date other girls. I don't meet many girls who would be friends for an extended period before a relationship, usually it's because they aren't really into you - so I would be a little wary before I put any eggs into that basket. I wouldn't cut ties completely unless we didn't especially get on - but I probably wouldn't date her.

[Mycteria]

The difference is sex. Men want to have a relationship with women, but they also want to have sex with them. That denial of sex is seen as a rejection. And besides, a lot of guys will stay friends even though they are attracted to the woman, but it is often too long a wait for them and they get impatient - or the woman is using them as a back-up while she dates other men and possibly has sex with them.

 

It's not necessarily the friendship itself. It's the sexual element that gets in the way.

Right. I agree. This is where my sister and I disagree. I think she is wrong for being affectionate with her male friend but not having sex with him. They cuddle, kiss, etc. but don't have sex. (Not yet at least, she has been debating making it a sexual relationship but is scared to for various reasons). She thinks he is fine with this relationship but I am 99% sure he wants it to be a sexual relationship.

 

On the other hand, I have met a few guys that I really like and if things progress with one of them the way they have been, I definitely don't mind turning it into a sexual relationship. I just don't want any sort of commitment/exclusivity for a long time. I don't agree with it being "partly" physical. I think if you're going to get physical with a guy at all (kissing, holding hands, snuggling) then you need to be prepared to make it a sexual relationship pretty fast. Otherwise I'd feel like I was using them to get my needs met without getting their needs met.

 

So I guess the answer to my question is that as long as sex is involved, guys probably wouldn't mind a non-exclusive casual relationship for a while. Right?

Edited August 30, 2012 by Mycteria

[ThaWholigan]

So I guess the answer to my question is that as long as sex is involved, guys probably wouldn't mind a non-exclusive casual relationship for a while. Right?

 

Quite a few guys wouldn't mind, in fact I think this is the standard starting phase these days. Not everyone is the same though so I try not to have assumptions, even in spite of my last post in this thread. If I like a girl enough, I will tailor my approach accordingly - unless there are any major sacrifices involved such as personal integrity etc.

 

I think I would be comfortable with such an arrangement if it were presented.

[Mycteria]

To any guy interested in you/her that would be very confusing at best. If I heard that, I would hear a nice way of "not interested". If you read these forums and somebody posts that a girl told him that, the women would all post that he should take the hint and move on.

 

From your perspective if you were ready to date and really interested in a guy and he told you that, how would it feel to be on the back burner until he was ready?

 

It would be a relationship full of frustrating mixed signals. Also, how would you know when the ready light switched on? It's not like a year later the person would get an acceptance letter saying "let's date now". nothing more frustrating in dating than mixed signals...I don't want you now, but let's kiss...that is the king of mixed signals.

You're right, if a guy told me that I would feel like he probably was not interested in dating and possibly was just using me for sex. But if his actions showed that he also valued me as a friend, and I valued him as a friend as well, I would be fine with the relationship. As long as I were also free to date other people. If he came around and wanted a relationship, then great. If not, I would continue to see him casually unless I met someone else.

 

The ready light for me is probably going to be the point at which I am done with school and ready for marriage/kids. I just don't see the point in exclusivity/commitment until you are nearing the point that you want to get married.

[grkBoy]

To grkBoy:

It seems like the first part of your post contradicts the last part. But I think I see what you are saying. I'm just not sure the specifics. In the last part, are you saying to basically date around but keep it casual? In other words, don't just be friends with these guys...date them...but just don't make it exclusive until you are ready?

 

The first part was what I and many men go through in the "friends first" ideology. I wrote the second part to be polite and not lump you or your sister into the generalized statements. I don't know either of you so I do not know your intentions.

 

I did want you to see things from a male standpoint. Women will speak endlessly on how they do not want to waste time on guys who won't be on the same page as them. We men are the same. We don't want to work on getting the number then spending time and money on dates if this girl has zero intentions of giving us the chance to be their boyfriend.

 

Imagine when you are looking for a solid RL, and a guy you desire tells you he only wants to have sex and nothing more. Not even dating. "Why can't we just hang out, get drunk, and go somewhere to f**k?" I'm sure that would turn off or offend the relationship-minded woman. This is how men feel when we hear "friends first".

 

I've grown up and experienced much in dating to come to the conclusion there is no such thing as "friends who date". With most men and women, you're either a friend, or a potential mate. You can't go out on a few dates with a guy, make out with him or even sleep with him...then next week tell him "we're just friends" as you're now casually dating some other guy. You can do this...but don't expect civility out of the guy when he fancied you as a potential girlfriend.

 

My personal feeling is when you meet guys, either be just friends and nothing more, or go for the causal dating on the idea that if you don't see a RL with him in the future, be ready to cut him out of your life completely...because he'll be trying harder to get you to commit.

 

That or just meet a guy who also is not looking for any commitment.