bdash Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 This seems to be a recurring problem for me: I keep getting friendzoned. It has happened two more times this week and seems to be a very consistent trend. I meet a girl and have a conversation with her, I get her number and ask her on something that I think would make for a good first date (coffee, lunch, a hike, etc.). Sometimes it will go badly and I won't see the girl again, but other times (especially recently), they have told me how glad they were to have lunch with me and we meet again, or make plans to. Then, after going on one, either a hang out or first date (I think of it as a date, most of the girls I think consider it hanging out), I will ask them to something that is obviously a date like dinner on a friday or saturday night, and almost always get rejected. My success rate is well under 20% (I have only gotten 2 'yes's' ever. Really sad, I know) and I have no idea what I am doing wrong or can do to improve it. I want to improve change this but I don't know what to improve. I am not great looking, I have an average face with curly hair that I don't seem to do much with, and doesn't look good regardless of what I try. I am not overweight, nor am I hideous. I think a reasonable assessment of my looks would be a 5+/- 1 on the usual 10 scale. I am a bit shy, especially when I am first meeting people, although I obviously have enough good conversations to make some friends, so while this does hurt me I don't think it is the whole story. I am not the most interesting man in the world (Im significantly younger ) but I can have decent conversations with girls on some occasions. Simply put, I know that I am not a great guy to date, but I don't think I am as terrible as my stats would indicate. Getting a fix on what someone is missing/doing wrong obviously isn't easy from a forum post, but I am hoping that you can throw out some ideas and perhaps one will stick and will prove to be something I can work and help me get better results. Thanks all!
vanek26 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Getting friend zoned sucks. One strategy you can try is just to kiss them after the first date. That immediately forces the girl to remove you from their friend zone. Granted, if they don't like you, it's going to scare them off even more... but who cares, right? Some girls will even be impressed by your bravery. Just a thought.
Imajerk17 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 That you're meeting a lot of women is good. How are you meetibg them? What is your approach? That might give some insight.
Greznog Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 On a scale of 0 to 100 how do you treat women? 0 is unit 731 type experiments in your basement and 100 being a romantic comedy, 50 being just like your average person.
the ill-made knight Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Being a woman, I will give you two pieces of advice; 1. Play up your good attributes whatever they may be. If you're a funny guy, make jokes, if you're athletic, take her somewhere where you can play up your level of fitness, if you can cook, cook her dinner etc. 2. Make it clear from the get go that this is a date even if you have to be redundant and use the word date. This will weed out a ton of women who have no interest in dating you so you don't even have to waste your time. While on the date, make physical contact, look into her eyes, and flirt with her. It sounds simple, but I will admit it is harder than it seems.
somedude81 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 2. Make it clear from the get go that this is a date even if you have to be redundant and use the word date. This will weed out a ton of women who have no interest in dating you so you don't even have to waste your time. While on the date, make physical contact, look into her eyes, and flirt with her. If only women were able to figure out on their own that the guy they just met doesn't want to be her friend. All this talk that women "can tell" what guys are thinking/want etc, and it's all a load of BS if they can't even see that a guy they barely know who wants to spend some time alone with could be interested.
Author bdash Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Hey thanks for the responses all. Im going to try to hit every point in this re. First the questions: 1. How do you meet women? I meet them randomly. I am in college and meet quite a few girls through classes/study groups. I also meet some through friends or on the bus I ride to campus every day. 2. What is my approach? I try to talk to girls, and just have a good conversation with them. Ive tried hitting on them obviously but usually this just ends up with me being awkward (im not very good at it). At the end of the conversation I'll ask for their number or ask them to something like I described above. Hmm Im thinking this might be giving them the wrong idea? Im just so terrible at flirting with someone new I tend to hide from it 3. How do I treat women? On your scale probably a 70. Im usually super nice/understanding to the girls Im interested in. Im also this nice to my friends, I guess Im just an overly nice person. @vanek that sounds super awkward. I could probably try to go for something more along the physical line but Id say more holding than kissing. That seems a little awkward the first time out... @somedude yeah it would be nice. Unfortunately thats life. Besides its nice to know they at least want to be friends, even if they don't want to date you. @ ill-made knight thanks for the advice. I will give it a shot. So it sounds like what I need to try is making things more obvious to the girl from the start and letting that drive some girls off. Also trying to be more flirty and trying to be more physical on dates. Thanks for the questions/advice!
Author bdash Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 oh one more question. It seems like my flirting skills could use some serious work if Im going to be more obvious with girls. Do you know of any good blogs or threads on the subject? (I did a quick search and couldn't find anything that proved very useful)
kaylan Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 The friendzone is generally a result of a girl not being sexually attracted to you. Id say the only way to avoid it is to find women who are attracted to you. Attraction isnt a choice, and girls usually know right away if they are attracted to a guy or not.
irc333 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 If only women were able to figure out on their own that the guy they just met doesn't want to be her friend. All this talk that women "can tell" what guys are thinking/want etc, and it's all a load of BS if they can't even see that a guy they barely know who wants to spend some time alone with could be interested. Yes, it's really common sense for women to figure this out. Like this woman I invited to the BBQ Cook out, she should at least figure out, somewhat...that I invited her to the event because I have some kind of dating interest in her. I'm guessing she'll be expecting me to ask her out one on one probably even while at this party. She is also driving a pretty good distance to get there, which says a lot. The friendzone is generally a result of a girl not being sexually attracted to you. Id say the only way to avoid it is to find women who are attracted to you. Easier said than done. LOL
gaius Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 There are plenty of guys out there that are awful to date, but some do well in dating because they think they're great to date. Just have to find a way to get yourself to that point.
sally4sara Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Friends are good to have. We all want them. I only notice this being a complaint when someone is meeting new people with a very specific agenda that doesn't involve making friends. Like trying to get laid while pretending to be social. You're always going to be disappointed if you can't acknowledge the benefits you do receive simply because you didn't get the one thing you wanted. And there is nothing sexy or interesting about a person who is always walking around depressed. People say something very cliched; you'll find love when you're not looking for it. Its tired sounding but it has some truth in it. If you go out with no specific agenda other than to be social and involved in fun activities, you will be able to enjoy yourself rather than being disappointed because you aren't finding ONE thing. And while you're enjoying yourself, people get to see you in a more attractive and approachable light. Maybe, if they can only offer you friendship, you will be noticed by someone THEY know. And during this whole process, you're gaining social experiences that you can reflect on and share in conversations. This adds to the general sense of you being an interesting person. Break out of your normal comfort zones to find new experiences and build your character. The more multifaceted you are, the larger variety of people you will appeal to. Just remember to have fun in the moment instead of focusing on who might let you see them naked. Read more. Not only will you become smarter, you will also become more interesting. Learn to cook. If you're the best chef in your group you can pack the house when you throw get togethers and dinner parties and those invited guests will bring friends. Have a passion. Nothing worse that meeting someone you thought was interesting only to find out it was all smoke and mirrors; they've got nothing better to do than crawl up your ass and build a nest. Have something going on enough that you are not always waiting by the phone on offers from others to entertain you. So you've been friendzoned? That means you have lady friends. Women who can give you feedback and tips on your personal style and demeanor. With these women you can relax and learn to be comfortable in your own skin. You don't have to impress them but you might find that you end up being impressive just being you around them. 2
phineas Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 When I was fat I got friendzoned. Now women either date me or not. I actually like it better this way.
Quiet Storm Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Your problem is that they see you as a nice guy to hang out with, but you are not inspiring sexual feelings in them. Be assertive, not passive or shy. Let them see you doing something you are really good at or passionate about. Don't be phony and say things that you think women want to hear. Be yourself and talk about things you are genuinely interested in. Be real. Work on your walk. It should be a confident walk, shoulders out, head held high. No slumped shoulders or looking at the ground. The way a man carries himself is an important piece of sexual attraction. Make plans, share your goals, let her see that you are driven. Speak your mind. Be a gentleman but not a pushover. Don't be overly nice. Be fair and friendly, but "too nice" gives a desperate vibe. Don't go along with everything she says or do everything she wants to do. Take control of the situation...it's sexy. Women want to feel like you have other options, but chose them. They don't want to feel like you are desperate and willing to do or say anything to get a woman. That kinda gives the impression that nobody else wants you...so why should they? They want to feel like you actually like her as a person, and not just a role that you want her to play in your life. 1
callingyouuu Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 So it sounds like what I need to try is making things more obvious to the girl from the start and letting that drive some girls off. Also trying to be more flirty and trying to be more physical on dates. Just wanted to make the point that these two ideas are connected. Being flirty/a bit more physical is absolutely essential in making your intentions clear. The tricky part is making it all feel natural, which comes with experience.
Author bdash Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Hey all thanks for the feedback!
Titania22 Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I think those girls just aren't attracted to you, and they are using the 'friend' line in the same way a guy would say 'sorry i am not interested in you'. So perhaps don't think of it as "the friend zone" and just see is as "rejection" (which happens to all of us) Not everyone we meet is going to be interested.
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