RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Lots of good advice on this thread I think in terms of how to keep your guard up a bit but mutual STD test? Don't you think that would be an absolute passion killer? Only a 'passion' killer for someone who isn't truly interested and needs to get it in ASAP. That's the point.
It's Just Me Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Sounds like you might have some sort of major case of sour grapes yourself, Kofybean. Going around making rather rude judgements about me or my past/personality/ego/etc. only makes you sound ignorant. He's a troll. Best to put him on ignore.
Emilia Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Only a 'passion' killer for someone who isn't truly interested and needs to get it in ASAP. That's the point. Not at all. Sitting in the doctor's waiting room with a person you haven't even had sex yet and already entwining yourself in medical and other grim aspects of each other's lives.... Where is the fun and the light heartedness? that's not to say that STDs shouldn't be taken seriously obviously. I've never taken a guy to a gynacologist to wait for me outside while I was being examined and to be honest that's not going to happen. There is such thing as too much sharing and this is definitely one of them.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 (edited) Not at all. Sitting in the doctor's waiting room with a person you haven't even had sex yet and already entwining yourself in medical and other grim aspects of each other's lives.... Where is the fun and the light heartedness? that's not to say that STDs shouldn't be taken seriously obviously. I've never taken a guy to a gynacologist to wait for me outside while I was being examined and to be honest that's not going to happen. There is such thing as too much sharing and this is definitely one of them. No problem, that's your choice... However, for me, if they aren't ready for the responsibility, they aren't ready for the 'fun'. STD talks aren't fun, but they are a part of life these days... It doesn't have to be grim, either. You could also suggest they get tested and they show you the paperwork. This takes longer because they need to send the blood tests to to a lab and wait for results to come back. ... or you could cross your fingers and just use condoms and 'hope' the guy is sincere and avoid the discussion altogether to keep the 'lightheartedness'... but the discussion will need to be had at some point... Not everything is covered by condoms and insurance. I'm offering an option that provides a reasonable 'brake' on rushing things sexually... If the guy declines having the discussion, puts off getting testing... weasels out in some way... then all of that is useful information... Edited August 31, 2012 by RedRobin
Emilia Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 However, for me, if they aren't ready for the responsibility, they aren't ready for the 'fun'. STD talks aren't fun, but they are a part of life these days... It doesn't have to be grim, either. Talking about STD is very different from sitting in a clinic in the waiting room waiting for each other going through the examination. You could also suggest they get tested and they show you the paperwork. This takes longer because they need to send the blood tests to to a lab and wait for results to come back. But that still involves treating your current potential as a child. If you insist that they have an STD test before they have sex with you, do you have to treat them in such a controlling way that you ask them to show you the paperwork? What else will have to prove to you in writing before you believe that he is a responsible adult? ... or you could cross your fingers and just use condoms and 'hope' the guy is sincere... Not quite sure what sort of monsters you hang out with I'm offering an option that provides a reasonable 'brake' on rushing things sexually... If the guy declines having the discussion, puts off getting testing... weasels out in some way... then all of that is useful information... Having a discussion is one thing as I said. Treating a man like an untrustworthy 17 year-old is something else and it will send most adult males running for the hills. Quite rightly so, I would do the same in their shoes. If a guy wanted me to show him the paperwork I'd laugh and politely decline. Perversely, the type of men you will attract with this controlling attitude are exactly the untrustworthy 17 year-olds. Everyone else will recognise that you are just coming up with hurdles until they give up.
Radu Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Takes 2-3d for a comprehensive STD test where i live [Eastern Europe], and with the pap smear results, you can be pretty safe. I don't see it as a passion-killer, though i know that some guys and girls do see it as such. 1
ffw Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 OP, couple of questions... (you don't need to answer) A guy says he wants to be exclusive, say GREAT!!, then tell him that you have just one more eensy-weensy request... you insist on getting STD tests together. (This works best when you do it in person. You can see the look on his face.) That takes a minimum of a week... even when you do the walk in clinic. There are schedules/times to arrange.... It takes effort. It also shows you what his knowledge is of testing and responsible sexuality. During that week or two while you are waiting for your test 'date', watch his reaction closely... is he excitedly awaiting your 'bonding-over-tests' day?? Or is he coming up with excuses not to show? You'll be having other dates and conversations during the week or two before the tests... perfect time to check his 'exclusivity'.... What if he has recently STD results? If he is going around slepping, then I am sure even he could be aware of this aspect.
Author xra Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Hey everyone, I wanted to ask for some advice on how to end things with this jerk. He's still messaging my friend on the website and trying to set up a date with her tomorrow. When she asked him if he's single, his answer was, and I quote, "Oh yes, definitely still very single, but I might just make an exception for a gorgeous sweetie like yourself I have too many stories about crazy women I've met online, but I still have faith in finding 'Mrs. Right for Me'". He also texted me once last night (a picture of himself with his shirt off). I didn't reply. Should I: 1. Go cold and completely cut all communication without an explanation, and not respond to any texts anymore? 2. Call him out on his bull****, tell him that I know about him messaging my friend, and then end it? 3. Play his own game - have my friend set up a date with him tomorrow and then blow him off? A few posters suggested that it'd be fun for me to show up with her, but I'm out of town.
starla33 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Hey everyone, I wanted to ask for some advice on how to end things with this jerk. He's still messaging my friend on the website and trying to set up a date with her tomorrow. When she asked him if he's single, his answer was, and I quote, "Oh yes, definitely still very single, but I might just make an exception for a gorgeous sweetie like yourself I have too many stories about crazy women I've met online, but I still have faith in finding 'Mrs. Right for Me'". He also texted me once last night (a picture of himself with his shirt off). I didn't reply. Should I: 1. Go cold and completely cut all communication without an explanation, and not respond to any texts anymore? 2. Call him out on his bull****, tell him that I know about him messaging my friend, and then end it? 3. Play his own game - have my friend set up a date with him tomorrow and then blow him off? A few posters suggested that it'd be fun for me to show up with her, but I'm out of town. GIRL just tell him what will make you feel the best. Honestly. TELL him hes a lying POS and to never contact you again. and leave it at that. Do not reply. It will drive him off the wall.
veggirl Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I agree with Starla. Just text him and say you know he is telling people online that he is single (honestly I would probably tell him he is talking to MY FRIEND!!) and that you are done with him and he should not contact you again.
mickleb Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Text him 1 final time and say, "Sorry about the Herpes. Might want to put that on your dating profile." I thought this was appropriate.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Hey everyone, I wanted to ask for some advice on how to end things with this jerk. He's still messaging my friend on the website and trying to set up a date with her tomorrow. When she asked him if he's single, his answer was, and I quote, "Oh yes, definitely still very single, but I might just make an exception for a gorgeous sweetie like yourself I have too many stories about crazy women I've met online, but I still have faith in finding 'Mrs. Right for Me'". He also texted me once last night (a picture of himself with his shirt off). I didn't reply. Should I: 1. Go cold and completely cut all communication without an explanation, and not respond to any texts anymore? 2. Call him out on his bull****, tell him that I know about him messaging my friend, and then end it? 3. Play his own game - have my friend set up a date with him tomorrow and then blow him off? A few posters suggested that it'd be fun for me to show up with her, but I'm out of town. FTR, there are people here on LS...some married but separated... some unmarried but sleeping with other people... and they tell people they are 'single'... Some people have some pretty interesting ideas of what 'exclusive' means... just so ya know... It's the #1 reason I don't date multi-daters AT ALL... but I digress... But how to get rid of him?? hmm.... you have some information to gather before you end things... in order for you to make better decisions in the future. If he is a grade A class liar, he'll always have an excuse or story for why he is doing what he is doing. No sense on calling him out on anything. If you are curious, just give him a call and ask a few questions... See, the deal here is NOT to keep things going so you can give him a piece of your mind... the goal is to stay calm so you can get the information you need to learn more about yourself and men like him. Thing is, he still thinks you are on the hook. Who cares who else he is seeing? Here's a few things I'd be curious about... - Ask him what he meant by 'exclusivity'. Maybe its not what you thought it was. Lots of guys wanna try to make a woman their FWB without her permission. They get some gal for sex, and then keep trolling the waters. Again, stick around LS long enough... you'll see some really creative definitions of what exclusive means from some regular posters. - You might still try to get him to go get STD tests with you or have him get some. At least you know that whatever you two did together, he is clean. OR 1) your first option... don't respond back... Whatever you do, don't let guys like that 'get your goat'.... as my dad used to say. They aren't worth it.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 (edited) Talking about STD is very different from sitting in a clinic in the waiting room waiting for each other going through the examination. But that still involves treating your current potential as a child. If you insist that they have an STD test before they have sex with you, do you have to treat them in such a controlling way that you ask them to show you the paperwork? What else will have to prove to you in writing before you believe that he is a responsible adult? Not quite sure what sort of monsters you hang out with Having a discussion is one thing as I said. Treating a man like an untrustworthy 17 year-old is something else and it will send most adult males running for the hills. Quite rightly so, I would do the same in their shoes. If a guy wanted me to show him the paperwork I'd laugh and politely decline. Perversely, the type of men you will attract with this controlling attitude are exactly the untrustworthy 17 year-olds. Everyone else will recognise that you are just coming up with hurdles until they give up. That hasn't been my experience... The most trustworthy find it reassuring. The least trustworthy, find it inconvenient and annoying. Of course, there is no shortage of stupid women who will jump in condom free and/or STD test free because they don't want to inconvenience Mr. Studly in any way. Seriously... if the guy is that f-ing hot for you, he can wait a week or two. Really don't see what the big deal is. Edited August 31, 2012 by RedRobin
SJC2008 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 This is why OLD sucks for men. Women get more attention then they did IRL and from better looking men then IRL. They ignore messages from men in their "league" because they are all of a sudden "hot" and can get really good looking men. They get pumped and dumped, men are jerks, rinse and repeat. Men are not jerks. Good looking men who purposely pick women a little les attractive then them do this because they won't have to work as hard then pump and dump are jerks. 1
razz90 Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 don't just ignore him /cut off all contact all of a sudden. This is a great opportunity to teach him a lesson/give him what he deserves
Radu Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 There's a site that tracks the information about professional players. I forgot it's name, you can put his phone on that one.
It's Just Me Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I find it most amusing and ironic that the detective got caught. The mean part of me wants XRA to rub his face in the fact that she knows he's chatting with her friend. I would pay a lot of money to watch his face change/blush/look stricken - then again, he's probably been trained not to react when emotions are running high. I also love the "sorry about the herpes" idea, but only on a comedic level. It's no fun being played, any way you look at it. 1
spiderowl Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Sorry this happened to you. He does sound like a player (creep). Yes, these guys do this and get away with it. I wish there was some database we could put them in so we can search it before even considering dating them. They are nothing but confidence tricksters, conmen. What I'd suggest, now that you know, is that you suddenly cut off all contact with him. Don't respond to messages, don't agree to meet him, and above all don't give him any idea why. Let him do the wondering and let him start to get anxious about why the woman he took for granted suddenly has no time for him. These guys rely on meeting a back-up woman so that they can just move from one to another. They don't suffer rejection like other guys because they never stay much longer than it takes to satisfy their curiosity and take possession. They thrive on the challenge of invading your life and leaving when THEY choose. Make sure this guy knows YOU made the choice. Don't contact him or speak to him and give him any closure. Leave him wondering what the hell happened. He surely deserves it. 1
2sunny Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I realize this is a logical assumption to make from reading my opening post...However, you are wrong in this case. I asked all those questions to find out who he is and what he is looking for, and many more. The main reason I felt such a strong connection with him is exactly because I felt that we has being really open and genuine with me. His last relationship was 8 months and it ended when he moved to my state (the girl broke it off). He has been single for a month, and claims to be ultimately looking for "Mrs. Right for Him". He is very active and wants a girl who's smart, confident, adventurous, and has mutual interests with him - which include rock climbing, traveling, wine, horseback riding, etc. We share most of these hobbies and also happen to work in very similar, high-risk career fields. He told me a lot about his family life and past relationships, and it turned out that we also have similar upbringings. The thing is - I really don't go for guys who just try to do the whole 'wine and dine' routine. The main thing that attracts me someone is connecting on an intellectual and emotional level. Compliments are nice and good looks are a plus, but that's really not what is important to me. That's the problem with him - he simply must be is an incredibly refined and talented liar. In fact, gaining people's trust and infiltrating their defenses is a major part of his job description (another huge red flag, I know). This is what you heard him say = what he told you. Men can SAY anything they want to - if you don't have ENOUGH time with a guy to know ans see evidence that his words support what he tells you about himself - then its just someone talking. You need to have time and actions with a manto trust that what heydays is true. When he slowed down... That was your queue that he lost interest. The only thing to text him is that you have evidence he's on the prowl and you don't appreciate his behavior and lack of honesty = goodbye mr player.
mortensorchid Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Sorry to hear that this has happened to you. You are not alone, it's the online world so anything can and will happen there. Hope you can move on from this and find someone else worth your time.
Author xra Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Thanks for all the advice and opinions/replies. I guess my last question on this subject is... From what I've told you of him, what do you think would be the best way to proceed for me? (I do want to bruise his f-ing GIANT ego): 1). Cutting off contact with him without any explanation? Not sure how well this would work since he's already not really contacting me in the first place... 2). Telling him something along the lines of, "Sorry but you don't meet my standards, have a nice life"? Again, this would only work if he starts texting me again... 3). Letting him know that he was caught? He does pride himself a LOT on his 'game' - in fact, he openly told me at one point that he is a 'pickup artist' in his own eyes. I could either tell him that I know about his messages to my friend (My friend Blahblah from blahblah.com says hi), or I could just ask her to write him on the website, "My friend so-and-so, your supposed 'girlfriend', sends her best wishes".
bac Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 (edited) Thanks for all the advice and opinions/replies. I guess my last question on this subject is... From what I've told you of him, what do you think would be the best way to proceed for me? (I do want to bruise his f-ing GIANT ego): 1). Cutting off contact with him without any explanation? Not sure how well this would work since he's already not really contacting me in the first place... 2). Telling him something along the lines of, "Sorry but you don't meet my standards, have a nice life"? Again, this would only work if he starts texting me again... 3). Letting him know that he was caught? He does pride himself a LOT on his 'game' - in fact, he openly told me at one point that he is a 'pickup artist' in his own eyes. I could either tell him that I know about his messages to my friend (My friend Blahblah from blahblah.com says hi), or I could just ask her to write him on the website, "My friend so-and-so, your supposed 'girlfriend', sends her best wishes". I had one guy like your guy. It was a great learning experience. After having sex with him, I bought a few good books (Clink 'the layguide', ..) and have read all the information about players. Man's brain is not a rocket science. A typical man thinks that if he gets any sex with a hot woman, he is a winner. A typical girl thinks that if she gets any sex without a R, she is a loser. He saw you as an object for sex and his intention was to win=to f...k you once or two (because you are looking for a R). Then, he would feel as a winner, alpha-male with high self-esteem! And, a player would do whatever it takes to feel this way about himself. After he gets sex with you, he feels as a winner and he does not need you anymore at all. He does not see you as a person with thoughts and feelings. As for emailing him, you can go NC if you are not a player. If you go NC, he will probably email you a few more times to make sure that he has hurt you badly. The guys get pleasure of it because it makes them feel more alpha and desirable. But, you might want to have some fun and play with his brains a little bit. Say him what he wants to hear. It is something like 'You are so amazing at sex and I had never met anyone like you before. BTW, I want to try a FWBs connection with you because I had never tried that before and I am curious. I think that exclusivity might be overated and I want to have sex with you so badly. Sex with you was so so amazing.' If he really believes your words, he is going to worship you because this time you will offer him what he really wants from a girl. Edited September 1, 2012 by bac
Sugarkane Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I had a simlar experience earlier this year. Unfortunately theres a lot of Aholes out there who Will lie and cheat and have no conscience at all. I hope someone screws that guy over or some woman gets Herself knocked up on purpose and gets money out of him. You deserve better than a liar.
Sugarkane Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 That's what I did just went complete NC altogether. Sorry this happened to you. He does sound like a player (creep). Yes, these guys do this and get away with it. I wish there was some database we could put them in so we can search it before even considering dating them. They are nothing but confidence tricksters, conmen. What I'd suggest, now that you know, is that you suddenly cut off all contact with him. Don't respond to messages, don't agree to meet him, and above all don't give him any idea why. Let him do the wondering and let him start to get anxious about why the woman he took for granted suddenly has no time for him. These guys rely on meeting a back-up woman so that they can just move from one to another. They don't suffer rejection like other guys because they never stay much longer than it takes to satisfy their curiosity and take possession. They thrive on the challenge of invading your life and leaving when THEY choose. Make sure this guy knows YOU made the choice. Don't contact him or speak to him and give him any closure. Leave him wondering what the hell happened. He surely deserves it.
RedRobin Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 (edited) Thanks for all the advice and opinions/replies. I guess my last question on this subject is... From what I've told you of him, what do you think would be the best way to proceed for me? (I do want to bruise his f-ing GIANT ego): 1). Cutting off contact with him without any explanation? Not sure how well this would work since he's already not really contacting me in the first place... 2). Telling him something along the lines of, "Sorry but you don't meet my standards, have a nice life"? Again, this would only work if he starts texting me again... 3). Letting him know that he was caught? He does pride himself a LOT on his 'game' - in fact, he openly told me at one point that he is a 'pickup artist' in his own eyes. I could either tell him that I know about his messages to my friend (My friend Blahblah from blahblah.com says hi), or I could just ask her to write him on the website, "My friend so-and-so, your supposed 'girlfriend', sends her best wishes". Really? He's sending you pics... I thought he was still in contact with you. If not, then, yea... just don't reply.... Purge the vengeance from your heart and fantasies of getting even. Nobody is worth that. Don't waste anymore time feeling bad about yourself... you did have a role to play... spend your time figuring that out, and let this one go. If you can find it in you... bless your 'enemies'. They are the ones who often challenge us the most.... Edited September 1, 2012 by RedRobin
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