strongnrelaxed Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Dear OP: There is obviously no answer to your question. Read the responses and you will see some good advice (you decide) and many debates. Such is the nature of relationships. I was warned about a LOT of things in my 20's. I am now in my late 40's and getting a divorce -I did not listen to the advice of the older men who warned me and now I am paying a huge unbearable price. You will not listen either. If you are like the VAST majority of people in this world, you are in love and so you will get married. You will also feel this sense of dread for the duration of your marriage and you will take this out on your man. He will feel increasingly distant from you. Someone out in the world will offer him comfort - sometimes this comes in the form of sports, drugs, alcohol, gambling, boys night out, or another woman. You will ultimately feel distant from him as a result. You will blame the whole thing on his past. Demonize him to your friends and family and divorce him. You will take him to court and take everything he has. Your children will suffer most of all. But that does not matter - he is a cheating sleaze bag who slept with so many people all those years ago and he deserves to suffer. This message will be reinforced by many people in your life. You can hit him with impunity - but God forbid he lay a hand on you! You can cheat all you want. But God forbid he look at another woman while she is walking down the street. He is a man and all men are dogs. Watching them get kicked in the genitals in movies is hilarious! Take this as you wish. There is nothing mean-spirited about what I am saying and I offer it in the most humble and sincere way. Please think hard on this before you have any children. They will suffer greatly if you make the wrong decision.
strongnrelaxed Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Wrong. I had a TON of casual sex when I was single. I've been married for 11 years, and even being quite unhappy in my marriage, I have never cheated. I've never struggled with a desire to cheat either. My ex wife SWORE to me for 20 years that she never found another man attractive. I had no real choice but to pretend that this was true. She said this over and over and over - usually as an attack in response to me admitting that I found a certain woman on TV attractive. In the throes of our divorce she said "I never said I didn't find anyone else attractive" Wow. Just - Wow. What a bizarre experience to watch someone say that to your face after 20 years of repeated attacks indicating the contrary. My wife was a reasonable decent and intelligent woman. If I were not experiencing this I would not believe me. Whenever a woman says something like Pteromom says above - it is unprovable. You can NEVER prove her wrong. After all, it is in her head and it is her word. Men, watch out for this. You have been warned. You will NEVER be able to prove this wrong - until you prove it wrong. The only way to spot this is when women say it to begin with. It is a HUGE signal. Pteromom, I mean no disrespect. You have no idea what you are saying and I bet you truly believe that what you say is true. I also bet that you will come back with the "oh you're just bitter because you are divorced" Men - pay close attention.
pteromom Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Pteromom, I mean no disrespect. You have no idea what you are saying and I bet you truly believe that what you say is true. I also bet that you will come back with the "oh you're just bitter because you are divorced" Men - pay close attention. No... what I'll come back with is you have no freaking idea whether *I* know what I'm saying. What you feel and think is yours to deal with, whether you are bitter or not. But I know my own heart, thank you very much. I am not your ex. I hold onto my integrity for myself, because I am not a "cheater", and I do not want to be a "cheater". Just because your ex lied to YOU doesn't mean I am lying.
Author i-wish-i-didnt-wish Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 @ Strongnrelaxed: I think I didnt get you completely but from whatever I could grasp, I think you're saying I am ultimately going to do what I feel like. But isnt that what I should. Should I not start a new phase in my relationship with a decision to give it my ALL rather than endlessly evaluating what I might get out of him! In every decision I make, I can never be sure of the other person, but I can be sure if I find it worth to give it truly the best of me. I only can have a guarantee of me and how much I love him and want this to work!
udolipixie Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Likely it'll be different because you're a virgin since it seems most guys tend to place value and worth on a gal because of her sexual history. So he'll be your one and only and you'll be his one of many. Possibly he thinks the gals he had non-committed flings where easy sluts deserving of no respect while you're wife material thus sex with you will have more meaning as he loves you and there's also that bs* that guys express their love through sex. Seems he's had the ideal past sowing his wild oats then marrying someone who didn't do the same as it seems most men have a double standard and I highly doubt he'd be with you if you had the same experiences as him or more experiences than him as easy gals and sluts often aren't relationship material.
xxoo Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I highly doubt he'd be with you if you had the same experiences as him or more experiences than him as easy gals and sluts often aren't relationship material. OP, have you had this conversation with him? What is his opinion of women with as much experience as him? Better to talk about it than assume.
udolipixie Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 OP, have you had this conversation with him? What is his opinion of women with as much experience as him? Better to talk about it than assume. Probably better to do neither though I don't see the OP assuming anything in that regards. Seems a bit irrational to talk about his opinion since he may not be honest or it may lead to anger over that he wouldn't be with her if she wasn't the way she is. No different than some women get upset that their partner may not have been with her if she was X years older, X lbs heavier, or less attractive. 1
RedRobin Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) Funny how YOU assume that just because people have a lot of casual sex that they don't respect their bodies or others emotions. Yep, that is my observation and opinion of people who have alot of casual sex. The thing is...that is not your only point of advice. If you had just said, "find someone with the same views on sex as yourself" that's one thing. But you are literally saying that casual sex = low moral fiber. It's insulting really. I said that people who make a habit of it can have a variety of issues that can potentially cause problems in a marriage. Yes. There are any number of psycho-social disorders that have 'promiscuity' as one of the symptoms. Look it up... It includes such lovelies as BPD, sociopaths, and psychopaths to name a few. This is why I asked the OP about behavior and extent. Here is a Wikipedia definition of "slut-shaming," which I think is taking place on this thread with regards to the OP's fiance, about whose ethical and moral fibre we have heard not a single complaint: All I suggested is that she ask the hard questions and not necessarily just write it off. Sounds like she hasn't. I said that many pages back. I think it's sick. I think it is sick that some people here want to say that promiscuity has no bearing on anything whatsoever. Those who think it's righteous to behave this way, google RooshV and find our what kind of company you're in. Just because it's happening to a man on this thread instead of women, it's just as nasty. No need to be melodramatic. No it's fear and the desire for control. Those two make anyone healthy with confidence and self esteem run. Dealing with someone's insecurities from day one is not most people's idea of a fulfilling relationship. Well, from this and other threads, I can see you aren't exactly a fan of doing your 'due diligence' regarding a partner. Possibly he shethinks the gals he had non-committed flings where easy sluts deserving of no respect while you're wife material thus sex with you will have more meaning as he loves you and there's also that bs* that guys express their love through sex. The women who marry men with these beliefs often hold the same beliefs themselves... that those other women were yucky, she's 'clean', and boys will be boys. But see... this is why I wouldn't knowingly enter a relationship with a man who'd had lots of casual sex... Because I know full well that almost always someone gets hurt in those situations... and there are damned few men who aren't going to use some amount of deception about intentions in order to get casual sex. We see it here on LS everyday. I've also seen it where the women are stringing men along in casual sex type arrangements enough to know that both men and women get hurt doing it... Seems he's had the ideal past sowing his wild oats then marrying someone who didn't do the same as it seems most men have a double standard and I highly doubt he'd be with you if you had the same experiences as him or more experiences than him ... Not guaranteed... but highly likely. Edited September 5, 2012 by RedRobin
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