A O Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 But since I have been a virgin and he is my first boyfriend, its hard for me to understand how will our physical intimacy feel any different to him if he has done the same things with his exes. He knows you, he cares for you he wants to commit to you. Intimacy, real intimacy is based on knowing a person deeply as much, if not more than sharing the physical. You differ from all the others by virtue of the fact that he wants to marry you. The level of connection that you guys share means that a kiss from you means so much more than any kiss he's ever had before. That is your point of difference. He wants to commit to you -that is your point of difference. You are giving him something that he's never had before and boy what he wants from you is far, far more meaningful than anything that has transpired in his life beforehand. I want to work on understand how sex feels and means to men, before I get married to him.You're not going to get a universal response to this. What sex means to men can change at any old time. it can be little more than a release or it can be deep and meaningful. The latter usually dependant on the quality of the relationship, the former sounding more like what your man participated in. Better that you understand that getting a commitment out of man is way more meaningful than trying to understand what sex means to men. You've got him if you want him. 1
kaylan Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I'd have a problem trusting a man who had lots of casual sex in the past. I don't trust men who say they can have routine sex with women without an emotional bond... now, 'all of a sudden' they can bond with ME?? Not buying it. IMHO, these are the guys most likely to cheat on you later. Plus, they have poor self management and (depending on how many women he slept with) may even have addiction/impulse issues that will come up later in life.They can bond with YOU because every woman is different and not every woman is worth bonding with. You are special and different to a particular guy. Sex without love is natural...it happens...and it doesnt mean someone doesnt have the capacity to truly commit and truly love someone in a relationship. This uptight view is probably why you are single. Youd miss a great guy all because he had sex a few small times outside of a relationship. Even though hes kind, loving, and loyal. Suit yourself. I have had casual sex, and I have never cheated on any girl. I have never lied about anything in a relationship either. I value honesty and loyalty to my woman above all else and always will. You do know that some cheaters are those whove never had casual sex right? And you realize some of them never had many sex partners and got curious during their relationship right? So to assume that a few flings makes someone apt to cheat is very off base. Its not like they slept with the whole town, and its not like their were in a relationship either...so whats their time being single have to do with their ability to be loyal?
KungFuJoe Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 RedRobin, I guess we will have to agree to disagree. But I will say that my wife and I are loving, breathing examples of how you can enjoy casual sex and still have a loving, loyal, faithful relationship. We both love sex. And we're both attractive people who don't have problems getting it, even when we're not in a committed relationship. It's a helluva lot better than masturbating. Ten years of marriage and we still have sex more than once a day...and we can't get enough of each other.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 This uptight view is probably why you are single. Youd miss a great guy all because he had sex a few small times outside of a relationship. Even though hes kind, loving, and loyal. Suit yourself. Well, we'll have to have a discussion in another thread (not the OP's) what constitutes 'a few'. If he can't demonstrate his kindness and loyalty with others before me, I see no reason to believe I'm going to be a special case. Just something for you to keep in mind... Women make judgements too... although alot of men don't like to hear that.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 RedRobin, I guess we will have to agree to disagree. But I will say that my wife and I are loving, breathing examples of how you can enjoy casual sex and still have a loving, loyal, faithful relationship. We both love sex. And we're both attractive people who don't have problems getting it, even when we're not in a committed relationship. It's a helluva lot better than masturbating. Ten years of marriage and we still have sex more than once a day...and we can't get enough of each other. I LOVE sex too... I love sex so much, I choose to have it only with men I care about. If I didn't have any respect for my body and other's emotions, I'd be out having lots of casual sex too. Funny how people who have lots of casual sex assume that those who don't must be frigid, don't like sex, or are unattractive. :rolleyes:
kaylan Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Well, we'll have to have a discussion in another thread (not the OP's) what constitutes 'a few'. If he can't demonstrate his kindness and loyalty with others before me, I see no reason to believe I'm going to be a special case. Just something for you to keep in mind... Women make judgements too... although a lot of men don't like to hear that. Who says he or she hasnt demonstrated that kindness and loyalty with others? Couldn't they be just like the OPs guy and had relationships in the past that ended, yet had casual fun in between relationships? Did they not demonstrate their kindness and loyalty in past relationships? Should a guy or gal just go without sex while waiting for the right person to be in a relationship with? In my experience, women who are this uptight about their judgements arent women I find worthy of my love and loyalty. Their loss big time as Ill have no problem finding a suitable gal. So I have no problem hearing about their judgements. Doesnt bother me none.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 ... was trying to edit Kung Fu to add... ... Whatever works for you... the OP says she has known this man for sometime, he has been honest about his past with her, and he has proven his dedication over time. So basically, she asked the hard questions and he answered her. He gave her the benefit of going in with her eyes open so that she could make the best decision for herself....
kaylan Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I LOVE sex too... I love sex so much, I choose to have it only with men I care about. If I didn't have any respect for my body and other's emotions, I'd be out having lots of casual sex too. Funny how people who have lots of casual sex assume that those who don't must be frigid, don't like sex, or are unattractive. :rolleyes: This is stupid. Enjoying sex outside of emotions does not mean someone doesnt respect their body or the emotions of others. Grow the hell up. In what way am I disrespecting someones emotions if we both agree to enjoy sex with no emotions involved? I assume people like you are boring and judgmental...and unattractive too. The attitude is off-putting.... was trying to edit Kung Fu to add... ... Whatever works for you... the OP says she has known this man for sometime, he has been honest about his past with her, and he has proven his dedication over time. So basically, she asked the hard questions and he answered her. He gave her the benefit of going in with her eyes open so that she could make the best decision for herself.... Ten bucks says you would have been cheering her all the way if she read between the lines of your advice and dumped the guy shes been having a great relationship with, all because he had a few young flings.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Who says he or she hasnt demonstrated that kindness and loyalty with others? Couldn't they be just like the OPs guy and had relationships in the past that ended, yet had casual fun in between relationships? Did they not demonstrate their kindness and loyalty in past relationships? Should a guy or gal just go without sex while waiting for the right person to be in a relationship with? In my experience, women who are this uptight about their judgements arent women I find worthy of my love and loyalty. Their loss big time as Ill have no problem finding a suitable gal. So I have no problem hearing about their judgements. Doesnt bother me none. That's fine. As long as you are ok with women who have enjoyed casual sex and you are open about your own history, then noone would complain or accuse you of having double standards. OTOH, I've also read some of your past posts about women who are 'easy'... or get around... and how they are not relationship material for you... so pardon me if I reserve some skepticism.
kaylan Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 ^I greatly prefer women of the same sexual experience as myself. One reason being that I avoid situation like this thread. Insecurity and jealousy arent fun. And Im always 100% honest about my history. And theres a difference between having some casual fun, and getting around with many, many people rather easily. Having safe, discriminate, casual sex isnt in the same league as indiscriminate sleeping around.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 This is stupid. Enjoying sex outside of emotions does not mean someone doesnt respect their body or the emotions of others. Grow the hell up. In what way am I disrespecting someones emotions if we both agree to enjoy sex with no emotions involved? So sad... go take a look at the definition of 'parasite'... please. Ten bucks says you would have been cheering her all the way if she read between the lines of your advice and dumped the guy shes been having a great relationship with, all because he had a few young flings. Not cheering. We'll see how she feels in 10 years or 20... and see if any of my advice rings true and what challenges they face together. Like I said... she can go in with her eyes open. That was all I was suggesting.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Having safe, discriminate, casual sex isnt in the same league as indiscriminate sleeping around. Looks all the same to me... It's having sex with strangers you don't care about. *shrug* You do whatever you want... I'm sure you'll find someone you are compatible with who shares your values. That was the ONLY point of my advice... was to focus on values... and making sure there is a match there.
KungFuJoe Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I LOVE sex too... I love sex so much, I choose to have it only with men I care about. If I didn't have any respect for my body and other's emotions, I'd be out having lots of casual sex too. Funny how people who have lots of casual sex assume that those who don't must be frigid, don't like sex, or are unattractive. :rolleyes: Funny how YOU assume that just because people have a lot of casual sex that they don't respect their bodies or others emotions. 2
carhill Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 But since I have been a virgin and he is my first boyfriend, its hard for me to understand how will our physical intimacy feel any different to him if he has done the same things with his exes.As you are engaged, this is a great topic to enjoin in PMC. I scanned the thread and have a question: You mentioned a number of non-committed flings and casual sex for your fiance. Accepted. What is his committed relationship experience? He's 28. I'm sure there is some history there. Relationship and FOO (family of origin) factors lend important insight into the psychology of a person relevant to compatibility for marriage, as that is evidently your path. A counselor can help explore this, as well as your relationship experience and what you have learned. He's your first 'boyfriend', but you haven't lived your life in a cave. You've had relationships. They're all important signposts along the path of life. Good luck and congratulations on your betrothal.
KungFuJoe Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 That was the ONLY point of my advice... was to focus on values... and making sure there is a match there. The thing is...that is not your only point of advice. If you had just said, "find someone with the same views on sex as yourself" that's one thing. But you are literally saying that casual sex = low moral fiber. It's insulting really. My first gf, who would never even consider the thought of casual sex with a stranger, cheated on me with a friend of hers (no sex but just kissing) who kept pursuing her until she finally caved in. Then after we broke up and she found a new boyfriend, she was still having sex with the both of us, and neither of us knew until I found out via an email and then confronted the guy and told him what was going on. Only then did she stop having sex with me and he stuck around, giving her a second chance. But she still came around to give me blow jobs...but to her it was "ok" because it wasn't actual sex and because we still had feelings for each other. He eventually found out about the blow jobs and wrote her off completely. And I repeat...one night stand? Sex with someone she just met? Casual sex period? Hell no. She would never have it. Sex with two guys at the same time who both said they loved her, but without her letting them know? No problem. And I was the second person she ever slept with (first being her boyfriend of several years and they only sex a handful of times). The moral of the story is...you have NO IDEA what a person is capable of based on their sexual history. My ex is married now. And if her husband hadw asked her what her sexual history was at the time they met, when she was 28, it would have looked like this: Sex with three people. All boyfriends and they were in love with each other at the time. Sounds pretty innocent and morally sound doesn't it? 3
kaylan Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 So sad... go take a look at the definition of 'parasite'... please. Parasite? Wow...you have issues dude. Maybe YOU need a dictionary. Parasitism is a relationship that involves one being using another in a relationship that does NOT have mutual benefit. In what way is mutually beneficial casual sex where neither party has emotions, at all like parasitism? Get a clue. Not cheering. We'll see how she feels in 10 years or 20... and see if any of my advice rings true and what challenges they face together. Like I said... she can go in with her eyes open. That was all I was suggesting. 10 or 20 years from now she could either be happy as hell, or be divorced for a variety of reasons. People who have few sex partners sometimes stay together or end up divorced as well. And thats my point.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 As you are engaged, this is a great topic to enjoin in PMC. Hadn't thought of that... excellent advice... Some pre-marital counseling (PMC) is great at unearthing areas that need resolving before marriage. Good luck OP!
kaylan Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Looks all the same to me... It's having sex with strangers you don't care about. *shrug*How is it the same? Its having sex with someone you know and trust versus having sex with someone you know nothing about and who may care nothing about your well being. Its not the same in the slightest. You do whatever you want... I'm sure you'll find someone you are compatible with who shares your values. That was the ONLY point of my advice... was to focus on values... and making sure there is a match there. Dont act like you werent cleverly trying to insinuate to OP that her boyfriend may be a cheating, lying, slut of a guy. People see between the lines of your posts.
RedRobin Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Dont act like you werent cleverly trying to insinuate to OP that her boyfriend may be a cheating, lying, slut of a guy. People see between the lines of your posts. Odds are higher amongst that population, yes... It's a risk one takes unless the person has demonstrated otherwise... and consistently. Hence the discussion about values and goals. It is a risk mitigation strategy. Nothing more.
A O Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Odds are higher amongst that population, yes... True. That doesn't mean the likelihood is great but the odds are higher for sure. Hence the discussion about values and goals. It is a risk mitigation strategy. Nothing more.As you've said - it is all about compatibility. 1
kaylan Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Odds are higher amongst that population, yes...Stats to back this up? Ive known promiscuous people to cheat, and Ive known more conservative people to cheat too. Like it was mentioned earlier, whats to prevent the conservative person to wonder what they are missing since theyve never sewn any wild oats or experienced sexual variety? It's a risk one takes unless the person has demonstrated otherwise... and consistently.Theres a risk with dating almost anyone. Hence the discussion about values and goals. It is a risk mitigation strategy. Nothing more. Except the fact that OPs guy seems to have the same values and goals as her more or less, and that you wanted to shame people like him nonetheless.
RedRobin Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 Stats to back this up? Ive known promiscuous people to cheat, and Ive known more conservative people to cheat too. Like it was mentioned earlier, whats to prevent the conservative person to wonder what they are missing since theyve never sewn any wild oats or experienced sexual variety? You're prepared to argue that there is no relationship whatsoever between promiscuity and ability to remain faithful?? None? Then you should have no problems making a commitment or having a relationship with a woman who 'gets around'... Except the fact that OPs guy seems to have the same values and goals as her more or less, and that you wanted to shame people like him nonetheless. No, they have not always had the same values. Her OP did not indicate that. I suggested she asked hard questions. She came back and said she had. Not sure why you need to keep beating this dead horse.
Author i-wish-i-didnt-wish Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Hey Quiet Storm, I really love what you said! He's told this to me in so many ways! Even his parents give me so much love and attention. I should be more busy with believing everything he says to me. We once shared a cab ride to another city for 2 hours in the dawn. we sat with our hands locked together. he said it was a kind of moment he never had. Thank you so much! 1
Author i-wish-i-didnt-wish Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 @ Kaylan: I feel I agree with you. I choose to believe in him! especially you saying that there is a world of difference between the two situations of the sex. I WANT to believe that our intimacy is very special. And one more thing, I read that you say u'd prefer a girl with similar sexual experience so there is no jealousy/insecurity issue but thats the same thing as prefering a virgin being a virgin. A less experienced person might face insecurities but will choose to treat herself rather than spoil the relation or leave you, because she loves you.
Author i-wish-i-didnt-wish Posted September 1, 2012 Author Posted September 1, 2012 Dear A O, Thank you for your comment! its a great help! I feel much better about this!
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