How can our sexual intimacy be special and unique?

[Later82012]

Why not more number = more self-control = no cheating in the future?

[threebyfate]

What does sex mean to you? Must it mean the exact same to your fiancé? If so, he's not the man for you. If not, then you can get over it and continue.

 

This isn't gender specific. It's moral specific, one where people with different morals can't ever understand.

[Later82012]

Why not more number = more self-control = no cheating in the future?

Actually wanted to say, less number = more self-control = less chances of cheating in the future.

[Mme. Chaucer]

My opinion of casual sex:

 

Whoever enjoys it and can pursue it honestly, and without misleading people in order to have it is A-Okay with me. And I think that it is 100% more positive for them to do this if it's their wish than it would be to restrain themselves, commit when they were not ready and then resent.

 

I do not believe that sex and morality are that co-mingled. We don't all subscribe to a Puritanical view of sexuality, thank goodness.

 

I DO believe that honesty and faithfulness are part of morality.

 

I also don't agree with the idea that men who are "sowing wild oats" are planning on demanding a "naive" girl when they are ready to settle down. Sure, there are some. They are probably douches who would be completely ignored by me.

 

Personally, I am not and have never been a "casual sex" type person. I don't judge those who are harshly.

 

I do agree with TBF that couples need to be harmonious in their views of this matter. The OP says she has NO moral issues with her fiance, and it really bugs me that some are trying to convince her that she should have.

 

IMO that's sadly off topic. She has personal insecurities and I think that is what she is asking for help with - not help to decide her fiance is a scumbag.

[irin]

sorry isnt going to be unique, hes probably done it all with others, probably things that you havent even done with him.

[pteromom]

Actually wanted to say, less number = more self-control = less chances of cheating in the future.

 

This could be too.

 

But the fact is, someone can have high numbers or low numbers for a variety of reasons.

 

Someone can have a low number because they have a lot of self-control, OR they can have a low number because they've been painfully shy and never taken an opportunity. Or they could have some crazy sexual hang-up or insecurity and be scared to share it with someone.

 

Someone can have a high number because they are a slut with no moral code. Or they can have a high number because they are good at ending incompatible relationships, and therefore end up as serial monogamists. Or they could have a high number because they are able to enjoy sex as purely physical pleasure while they are looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right.

 

You cannot predict a person's odds of cheating based on how many previous sexual partners they have.

 

You CAN predict a person's odds of cheating based on their character. If someone lies to friends, cheats on tests at school, steals stuff from work, etc. you can see that he/she is a person with questionable morality, and you should be prepared to be the next victim.

[RedRobin]

There is nothing wrong with separating sex with emotion. It has NO bearing on their integrity or ability to stay loyal.

 

I imagine your values are different than the OP's... as are (possibly) the values of her fiancee.

 

I'd have a hard time trusting anyone in a romantic relationship who easily separated sex and emotion... and demonstrated that with their behavior.

 

I don't knowingly date former alcoholics, drug addicts... or people with any sort of addictive behavior... I see it as related and on a continuum of behavior with sexual impulsivity... Just my observation...

 

Other people do... but even then, in most cases, former addicts at least admit they have a problem... We don't know the extent of the OP's fiancee's experimentation phase... but before she makes a life-time commitment... these are the questions people should ask...

[KungFuJoe]

I imagine your values are different than the OP's... as are (possibly) the values of her fiancee.

 

I'd have a hard time trusting anyone in a romantic relationship who easily separated sex and emotion... and demonstrated that with their behavior.

 

I don't knowingly date former alcoholics, drug addicts... or people with any sort of addictive behavior... I see it as related and on a continuum of behavior with sexual impulsivity... Just my observation...

 

Other people do... but even then, in most cases, former addicts at least admit they have a problem... We don't know the extent of the OP's fiancee's experimentation phase... but before she makes a life-time commitment... these are the questions people should ask...

 

First of all...looks like this is a hit and run thread as the op hasn't been back since her first post. I guess it wasn't THAT big of a deal after all.

 

Second of all, the fact that you liken having flings to a drug addict shows that your views on the whole matter are extremely misguided and askewed. I imagine you had an overly religious or conservative upbringing. If so, I'm sorry.

[Mme. Chaucer]

First of all...looks like this is a hit and run thread as the op hasn't been back since her first post. I guess it wasn't THAT big of a deal after all.

 

 

Well, I hope not. I don't know why a poster coming here with the kind of questions she had needed to be barraged with a puritanical character assassination of her fiance (and anyone else who has casual sex). Yikes.

[oaks]

First of all...looks like this is a hit and run thread as the op hasn't been back since her first post. I guess it wasn't THAT big of a deal after all.

 

I'd like to think the OP is reading or has got the answers she needs. You pretty much told her everything she needs to get started in post #2 anyway - retroactive jealousy.

[threebyfate]

I'd like to think the OP is reading or has got the answers she needs. You pretty much told her everything she needs to get started in post #2 anyway - retroactive jealousy.

Hopefully he she did get what he she came for.

[RedRobin]

Second of all, the fact that you liken having flings to a drug addict shows that your views on the whole matter are extremely misguided and askewed. I imagine you had an overly religious or conservative upbringing. If so, I'm sorry.

 

Nope. Just the opposite.

 

My upbringing was very open and balanced.

 

It is just that I've had the opportunity to witness the outcome of people's behavior and decisions over a long period of time...

 

People who don't want to be married or maintain a life-long commitment can do whatever they want with their sexuality. Those who consider a 'relationship' something where people agree to have sex with each other for a few years (max) on average then move on... also probably do not 'struggle' with their concept of emotional detachment from sex.

 

All I'm saying is bad habits are hard to break. I really don't care which habit one is talking about.

 

It isn't 'puritanical' at all.... It is practical to expect someone to exhibit behavior they have already demonstrated.

[RedRobin]

Well, I hope not. I don't know why a poster coming here with the kind of questions she had needed to be barraged with a puritanical character assassination of her fiance (and anyone else who has casual sex). Yikes.

 

People who have lots of casual sex like thinking they can turn that habit off (and their reasons for pursuing it) whenever they like.

 

They can't. It doesn't make sense to think they can... at least not easily. And even when they do, they will probably always struggle with the desire to slip back into their former lifestyle.

 

Best to figure these things out ahead of time... and ask hard questions about how the other person is going to manage their desires.

 

It isn't a question of character....it is a question of compatibility and what two people are looking for and able to responsibly promise to maintain.

[Emilia]

It isn't 'puritanical' at all.... It is practical to expect someone to exhibit behavior they have already demonstrated.

 

Yes I noticed some others use the phrase 'past behaviour is a good indicator for future behaviour' but personally I find that a lazy way to assess people. Just like stereotypes - a very similar, lazy concept to simplify human beings to put them in small defined boxes.

[RedRobin]

Yes I noticed some others use the phrase 'past behaviour is a good indicator for future behaviour' but personally I find that a lazy way to assess people. Just like stereotypes - a very similar, lazy concept to simplify human beings to put them in small defined boxes.

 

That is why I suggested she ask the questions.

 

People CAN change.... there are reasons for some things.... and if the behavior is short-lived.... not likely to be permanently engrained.

 

These are things everyone struggles with... everyone has something they are working on... but to pretend it doesn't exist... and pretend just because someone has the desire to make a commitment means they are capable of one...

 

Just seems incredibly naive.

[i-wish-i-didnt-wish]

Hey Redrobin, I really appreciate your sincere opinion! But I have had the talk with him, we had been v close friends for a year before we started dating. At that time he still was in that fling-phase. He had a very very serious relationship with his first girlfriend, that broke off v suddenly and he was devastated. After that, he went through this phase of 6-7 years where he had a lot of affairs, but he was honest with them, he had flings with girls who wanted flings, infact he didnt even burn the bridges v soon. He would even go to help them out with their problems if they needed. he tried to make a couple of relationships work even though he wasnt in love, because he had completely given up the idea of love. Those relationships didnt work out either. I saw him come out of the last relationship, which was the worst one ever. I have loved him as a close friend before dating him and i was always proud of the golden heart my friend had behind the flirtatious behaviour. The more he came closer to me, the further he went from his habit of flirting, we both realised we love each other, much more than friendship and our relationship changed. I love this man. I really do. I have no questions about his morality or integrity. He told me the darkest secrets of his past at a stage where I could dump him if I were grossed out. But he chose to be honest with me. I would have never known if he never told me. My question here is how should I deal with MYSELF and get over my insecurities as i am not experienced!

[i-wish-i-didnt-wish]

@ Carriet and Hopeful30: Thank you so much I feel much better!

[i-wish-i-didnt-wish]

@ Kung Fu Joe: Thank you so much for your suggestions. I went through articles of retroactive jealousy. I think i can v well get over this. I dont ever want to punish my man for something that doesnt exist anymore and spoil what we have!

[i-wish-i-didnt-wish]

@threebyfate: Yes, I would want my fiance to feel the same way about OUR sexual intimacy! I would like it better if he learnt it the hard way. I have no moral concerns about my fiance's past behaviour, because I have seen him changed. I have no emotional insecurities. Its just that I am not sexually experienced and would like to know if being in love could make our sex something that is very different from what he had before! I dont want to rethink my decision because of his past, I want to work on MYSELF so as to attain mental peace and enjoy this relationship to the fullest, which my thoughts are not letting me do!

[i-wish-i-didnt-wish]

@pteromom: Thanks a lot for ur comments. it makes me feel better. I am in peace with the kind of person he is. He gives a lot into the relationship.

[i-wish-i-didnt-wish]

@ oaks: Thanks.Yes i read it all and I undrstand a little better about what I should do about my insecurities!

[i-wish-i-didnt-wish]

@ Mme Chaucer: You're right. You totally get me. I came here to be counselled for my own insecurities and not the character assessment of my boyfriend, whom I love. I want to work on understand how sex feels and means to men, before I get married to him. I lost my virginity to him. He waited for almost 2 years before doing it because I needed time. He was slow and romantic and cuddled and fondled for hours after we did it. He would again n again ask me how I feel about it. if I am ok or not. Sometimes even when we had a chance to be all alone we would rather have some coffee with me while talking about our future.

[Quiet Storm]

I want to work on understand how sex feels and means to men, before I get married to him.

 

I think men feel differently about sex depending on who they are having it with.

 

If it is a casual encounter, then it is viewed as a fun activity. A way for both partners to receive and give mutual physical pleasure. There is no emotional investment. The feelings are fleeting, temporary.

 

If it is with a woman that he loves, it is also a fun activity and it's also a way for both partners to receive and give mutual physical pleasure. However, in a serious relationship, it becomes the most natural way that a man can express his love for you. The connection goes beyond physical, but is emotional, as well.

 

In marriage, sex becomes the sweet reward you both have at the end of a long day, when you can connect and escape the realities of day to day life. You can tuck in the kids, lock the door and just love on each other. It is the glue that keeps you close during ups and downs. It's fast and furious one day, slow and tender the next...and both exciting and familiar at the same time. It is awesome.

 

The difference between you and the others is that he loves you. You have that component that they did not have. He uses sex as a method to love you, where with them it was just novelty and physical release. He is more invested in pleasing you, and feels happy when he knows he can. You are his woman, and he wants to take care of you, and one of the ways he shows that is through sex.

[RedRobin]

Hey Redrobin, I really appreciate your sincere opinion! But I have had the talk with him, we had been v close friends for a year before we started dating. At that time he still was in that fling-phase. He had a very very serious relationship with his first girlfriend, that broke off v suddenly and he was devastated. After that, he went through this phase of 6-7 years where he had a lot of affairs, but he was honest with them, he had flings with girls who wanted flings, infact he didnt even burn the bridges v soon. He would even go to help them out with their problems if they needed. he tried to make a couple of relationships work even though he wasnt in love, because he had completely given up the idea of love. Those relationships didnt work out either. I saw him come out of the last relationship, which was the worst one ever. I have loved him as a close friend before dating him and i was always proud of the golden heart my friend had behind the flirtatious behaviour. The more he came closer to me, the further he went from his habit of flirting, we both realised we love each other, much more than friendship and our relationship changed. I love this man. I really do. I have no questions about his morality or integrity. He told me the darkest secrets of his past at a stage where I could dump him if I were grossed out. But he chose to be honest with me. I would have never known if he never told me. My question here is how should I deal with MYSELF and get over my insecurities as i am not experienced!

 

Ok... please know my advice was given as general advice...

 

There are plenty of women who don't have this history with a man... and they just cross their fingers and hope he's changed his ways.

 

My advice still stands... 'in general'... He talked the talk and walked the walk with you. That's all I'd ever expect from anyone... no matter what their past sexual history was.

 

Don't know what to tell you about your insecurities... I've never had those insecurities myself.

 

...and since I don't hold double standards when it comes to sexual behavior... I'm not one to look past men's choices and write it off as 'boys will be boys'.

 

Everyone is different... everyone has their own choices in life to make along with attendant consequences of such.

[kaylan]

I am a 24 year old girl in a relationship with a 28 year old man since 2 years now. I am head-over-heels in love with him. He proposed to me for marriage and I said yes. He loves to bits and I have no doubt about that. He is a loving and caring, responsible, soft-hearted, child-like person. I am v happy in the relationship except that his sexual past troubles me a lot. Before me he had been through a series of non-committed flings where is he had sexual relations. He tells me our intimacy cannot be compared to his past because they were without love ad commitment which we have. But since I have been a virgin and he is my first boyfriend, its hard for me to understand how will our physical intimacy feel any different to him if he has done the same things with his exes. I am racking my brains off to understand. Everything that he does to me from a touch to kiss, is new and thrilling experience to me. How can I give him some thrills he never felt before? I have no moral dilemma about him because he is a great person. its just that the thought of him being so close to any other girl kills me, i cannot stop imagining them on each other, it makes my intimacy with him feel less special. i feel i have to share his body with them. Also, like i said I want to give him things for the first time like he does to me! I would specially request men to help me understand their view to this. Thank you.

OP, I had similar feelings as you back when I was with my first and had dreams of forever with that first person (though I was much younger than you are). Once I had more sex partners and experience life a bit more, I realized the difference between sex with love, and sex for mere enjoyment. The two cannot compare.

 

I think itll be hard for you to outright understand your boyfriend seeing as you are a late bloomer and have only been with him. But trust what he says. As long as he hasnt had an extremely promiscuous past with many women, I dont think you should worry about his seemingly average sexual past.

I'd reconsider the decision to marry a man who chose to have lots of flings.

 

I don't see this necessarily as a 'jealousy' issue but more as a difference in values.

 

I'd have a problem trusting a man who had lots of casual sex in the past. I don't trust men who say they can have routine sex with women without an emotional bond... now, 'all of a sudden' they can bond with ME?? Not buying it.

 

IMHO, these are the guys most likely to cheat on you later. Plus, they have poor self management and (depending on how many women he slept with) may even have addiction/impulse issues that will come up later in life.

 

I'm not saying you have to go out and find a virgin man (they DO exist), but that's not my point.

 

I think it is the difference in your values that will harm you in the long run...

 

Edited: Ask him hard questions about why he chose to engage in casual sex. Do not marry him unless you are confident with the answers.

 

If his numbers of partners are very high, you really need to reconsider this.

 

There are lots of men with distorted values sexually who settle down with a 'good girl' when they marry... but you are still left with a man who has not respected himself or other women...

 

Ask hard questions.

I totally disagree with this. Shes in a happy relationship with a guy who treats her well. No offense, but I wouldnt want her to reconsider and up single and unhappy like some posters here.

 

Just because a guy or gal has some sex outside of a relationship, does not mean they dont value love, sex with love, or commitment. Many do. This is such a minor thing to reconsider a relationship over especially if everything has been great.

 

Dont fuel her insecurity because insecurity will only ruin her relationship.

Edited August 31, 2012 by kaylan