i-wish-i-didnt-wish Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I am a 24 year old girl in a relationship with a 28 year old man since 2 years now. I am head-over-heels in love with him. He proposed to me for marriage and I said yes. He loves to bits and I have no doubt about that. He is a loving and caring, responsible, soft-hearted, child-like person. I am v happy in the relationship except that his sexual past troubles me a lot. Before me he had been through a series of non-committed flings where is he had sexual relations. He tells me our intimacy cannot be compared to his past because they were without love ad commitment which we have. But since I have been a virgin and he is my first boyfriend, its hard for me to understand how will our physical intimacy feel any different to him if he has done the same things with his exes. I am racking my brains off to understand. Everything that he does to me from a touch to kiss, is new and thrilling experience to me. How can I give him some thrills he never felt before? I have no moral dilemma about him because he is a great person. its just that the thought of him being so close to any other girl kills me, i cannot stop imagining them on each other, it makes my intimacy with him feel less special. i feel i have to share his body with them. Also, like i said I want to give him things for the first time like he does to me! I would specially request men to help me understand their view to this. Thank you.
KungFuJoe Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Look up retroactive jealousy. It will explain a lot.
Emilia Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 If you get married as a virgin you will never be able to answer your own questions since you will never experience the difference between casual and non-casual sex (ie the difference between the presence and absence of intimacy). Best to drop it since it's your choice not to experience it 2
RedRobin Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) I'd reconsider the decision to marry a man who chose to have lots of flings. I don't see this necessarily as a 'jealousy' issue but more as a difference in values. I'd have a problem trusting a man who had lots of casual sex in the past. I don't trust men who say they can have routine sex with women without an emotional bond... now, 'all of a sudden' they can bond with ME?? Not buying it. IMHO, these are the guys most likely to cheat on you later. Plus, they have poor self management and (depending on how many women he slept with) may even have addiction/impulse issues that will come up later in life. I'm not saying you have to go out and find a virgin man (they DO exist), but that's not my point. I think it is the difference in your values that will harm you in the long run... Edited: Ask him hard questions about why he chose to engage in casual sex. Do not marry him unless you are confident with the answers. If his numbers of partners are very high, you really need to reconsider this. There are lots of men with distorted values sexually who settle down with a 'good girl' when they marry... but you are still left with a man who has not respected himself or other women... Ask hard questions. Edited August 30, 2012 by RedRobin 3
Titanwolf Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I'd reconsider the decision to marry a man who chose to have lots of flings. I don't see this necessarily as a 'jealousy' issue but more as a difference in values. I'd have a problem trusting a man who had lots of casual sex in the past. I don't trust men who say they can have routine sex with women without an emotional bond... now, 'all of a sudden' they can bond with ME?? Not buying it. IMHO, these are the guys most likely to cheat on you later. Plus, they have poor self management and (depending on how many women he slept with) may even have addiction/impulse issues that will come up later in life. I'm not saying you have to go out and find a virgin man (they DO exist), but that's not my point. I think it is the difference in your values that will harm you in the long run... Edited: Ask him hard questions about why he chose to engage in casual sex. Do not marry him unless you are confident with the answers. If his numbers of partners are very high, you really need to reconsider this. There are lots of men with distorted values sexually who settle down with a 'good girl' when they marry... but you are still left with a man who has not respected himself or other women... Ask hard questions. Truth. swapped the references to "Men" for "Women" though I agree.
RedRobin Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Truth. swapped the references to "Men" for "Women" though I agree. I agree. It isn't gender specific. I reference 'men' only in that they get alot of peer pressure and encouragement to go out and have lots of casual sex.... Women these days do too. 1
CarrieT Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 It will be "special" because you will be married. It will not be "unique." Confine yourself to these facts and you'll be fine. However, since you are concerned about this issue now, it is an issue that may fester with you if you do not communicate about it openly now - before you get married - with your partner.
Hopeful30 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 i think its only special when its with a person you really love otherwise its the same as sex with anyone else 1
FitChick Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 There are plenty of male virgins on this forum if you want a virgin. Of course, you will no longer be a virgin so they probably won't want you.
sally4sara Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Maybe I can explain. Of my lovers, none have been the same even the among the ones I loved. They don't look the same, feel the same, smell the same etc. so anything I shared with them was new and exciting because it was their inherent uniqueness that made it so. They might have shared some similarities but that is true about people in general whether we are talking about sex or not. Think about families with multiple children. They may look similar, have similar values but they are still different to their parents. Each child brings newness even to situations they experienced with their other children. If you have siblings then you can understand what I'm talking about better. Or think about you and your best friend. You might have liked many of the same things but they were not you and you were not them. Deep down I think these feelings are coming from a place of doubt in yourself combined with a lack of your own experiences that could lend a basis of comparison. You are more than your kiss. You are more than any part of your body or even your body as a whole. When you "gave" him your virginity, you did not give him your only value.
KungFuJoe Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Whatever op does (assuming she isn't a hit and run poster) I hope she doesn't listen to red robin or titanwolf. WORST advice ever. Retroactive jealousy. And most likely personal self esteem issues. This is about as textbook of a case as you can get. 1
Emilia Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I really don't know how to explain the complexities of sexuality to someone who has never experienced it. 1
Feelin Frisky Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Either accept and love the guy or don't. You can't change his past. You can only build a future. I suggest doing that by committing to making your time together joyful. The more neurotic you act, the more you let obsessions rule you, the more YOU will be the reason your relationship will fail. 4
Mme. Chaucer Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I'd have a problem trusting a man who had lots of casual sex in the past. I don't trust men who say they can have routine sex with women without an emotional bond... now, 'all of a sudden' they can bond with ME?? Not buying it. IMHO, these are the guys most likely to cheat on you later. Plus, they have poor self management and (depending on how many women he slept with) may even have addiction/impulse issues that will come up later in life. WHY? I don't understand why the choice to have casual, recreational sex has anything to do at all with a person's character being questionable. Some people do it because they enjoy it, with other people who enjoy it, and then they come to a place in their life where casual, non-committal sex for fun is no longer what they are looking for. Or, maybe they don't. Evidently the OP's fiance has. Sure, some promiscuous people happen to be immoral, have poor impulse control or be dishonest, but I believe that enjoying "sexual freedom" when not in a committed relationship is indicative of NONE of those things. RedRobin, I understand and respect your preference for a partner who has not had a lot of recreational sex, but I do take umbrage with your assertions that this means he's probably a bad guy. OP: My point of view is that you don't need to worry about giving him unique "thrills" he hasn't had before. YOU are a unique thrill he hasn't had before. If you believe and trust that he is ready to settle down and be monogamous with you, all you need to do is learn how to manage your own insecurities about his past. 6
RedRobin Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Whatever op does (assuming she isn't a hit and run poster) I hope she doesn't listen to red robin or titanwolf. WORST advice ever. Retroactive jealousy. And most likely personal self esteem issues. This is about as textbook of a case as you can get. Right... Lots of guys like to sleep around then rely on someone naive when they finally decide to get married. Not only that, they are encouraged to do so... The woman who foolishly invests in him is then left holding the bag and taking the risks... While he has none.
RedRobin Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 WHY? I don't understand why the choice to have casual, recreational sex has anything to do at all with a person's character being questionable. Some people do it because they enjoy it, with other people who enjoy it, and then they come to a place in their life where casual, non-committal sex for fun is no longer what they are looking for. Or, maybe they don't. Evidently the OP's fiance has. Sure, some promiscuous people happen to be immoral, have poor impulse control or be dishonest, but I believe that enjoying "sexual freedom" when not in a committed relationship is indicative of NONE of those things. RedRobin, I understand and respect your preference for a partner who has not had a lot of recreational sex, but I do take umbrage with your assertions that this means he's probably a bad guy. Why? I'm suggesting she put her personal insecurities away for a second and focus on WHY their experiences are different. These are (or can be) significant differences in values that will hurt chances for marital success later on. We don't know what his reasons are for casual sex... (of course, I have my own opinions about it... especially when it is ongoing and for a long period... ) ... but it sounds like she doesn't know what his reasons were for it either... Noone would hardly blame the guy if he was trying to have relationships with these other women and it didn't work out... or if he was just going for something casual and was honest with them... These are ALL legitimate questions to be asking... regardless of the 'number'. I agree with the other posters... she should put her own insecurities aside regarding comparisons... But she should not put aside asking hard questions about his values and decisions... not at all... 1
KungFuJoe Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Right... Lots of guys like to sleep around then rely on someone naive when they finally decide to get married. Not only that, they are encouraged to do so... The woman who foolishly invests in him is then left holding the bag and taking the risks... While he has none. What risks? What does having lots of sex have to do with integrity? I can see if the guy/girl had a history of cheating, but assuming that he/she was honest with their intentions with every partner they've had, what's the problem? 6
RedRobin Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) ... and I was going to add... ... and if he is THAT capable of splitting his emotions from sex, what implications does that have for their relationship? How capable will he be of resisting temptation later? What coping mechanisms does he employ to avoid becoming sexually intimate with women he's attracted to? Because guaranteed... people WILL become attracted to another person sometime in their life... ... How exactly will he plan to deal with that?? ... just a few questions *I* would be asking... Edited: Just saw your last post... I'm wary of people who too easily separate emotions and sex. High numbers (whether people like it or not) do indicate a certain degree of impulsivity AND an ability to easily separate emotions and sex. What people do with that information is up to them... Edited August 30, 2012 by RedRobin 3
sally4sara Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 ... and I was going to add... ... and if he is THAT capable of splitting his emotions from sex, what implications does that have for their relationship? How capable will he be of resisting temptation later? What coping mechanisms does he employ to avoid becoming sexually intimate with women he's attracted to? Because guaranteed... people WILL become attracted to another person sometime in their life... ... How exactly will he plan to deal with that?? ... just a few questions *I* would be asking... I get your reasoning but consider.... As a single person temptation to not deal with integrity is still present. Its much easier to gain sex where you want and with whom you want if you tell them what they want to hear rather than the truth. If a person can risk being turned down by a potential sex partner over the truth then its a good bet they can resist temptation well on any matter. To some people, shedding honest dealings sours anything they might gain from dishonesty.
RedRobin Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 I get your reasoning but consider.... As a single person temptation to not deal with integrity is still present. Its much easier to gain sex where you want and with whom you want if you tell them what they want to hear rather than the truth. If a person can risk being turned down by a potential sex partner over the truth then its a good bet they can resist temptation well on any matter. To some people, shedding honest dealings sours anything they might gain from dishonesty. Of course... I only emphasize with the OP that his reasons for having just flings are more important than the fact she's not his first. ... hence my caution to ask hard questions and make sure their values are in line... AND he has a history of walking that line...
xxoo Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 OP, if he's been with you for 2 years, does that mean he's been exclusive to you for 2 years, since he was 26 years old? If so, it sounds like he was sowing wild oats, and is now interested in a monogamous relationship. Personally, I wouldn't be concerned about that. A stage of sexual exploration in early adulthood is normal. Your intimacy will be special and unique because your pairing is special and unique. Your love and relationship is special and unique. Talk to him, tell him your concerns, and ask how he feels. Ask him to explain to you how your sexual intimacy is special and unique. 1
KungFuJoe Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 ... and I was going to add... ... and if he is THAT capable of splitting his emotions from sex, what implications does that have for their relationship? How capable will he be of resisting temptation later? What coping mechanisms does he employ to avoid becoming sexually intimate with women he's attracted to? Because guaranteed... people WILL become attracted to another person sometime in their life... ... How exactly will he plan to deal with that?? ... just a few questions *I* would be asking... Edited: Just saw your last post... I'm wary of people who too easily separate emotions and sex. High numbers (whether people like it or not) do indicate a certain degree of impulsivity AND an ability to easily separate emotions and sex. What people do with that information is up to them... There is nothing wrong with separating sex with emotion. It has NO bearing on their integrity or ability to stay loyal. My wife has absolutely no problem separating the two and she is the most honest, loyal, good hearted person I have ever met in my life. She doesn't compromise her feelings, doesn't say stuff just to make the other person feel better, never lies, has NO drama in her life, and everyone loves her. I know you might think I'm biased because I'm married to her, but she quite simply is the most amazing person I've ever had the fortune to come across (and I've known her for 20 years). I have no doubt that if you were to ever meet her, you would automatically like her. I'm extremely lucky to be with her...and how she deals with sex and emotion has no bearing on any of this. It could not be more irrelevant. 4
pteromom Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 My point of view is that you don't need to worry about giving him unique "thrills" he hasn't had before. YOU are a unique thrill he hasn't had before. If you believe and trust that he is ready to settle down and be monogamous with you, all you need to do is learn how to manage your own insecurities about his past. This! Said perfectly!
pteromom Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 There is nothing wrong with separating sex with emotion. It has NO bearing on their integrity or ability to stay loyal. My wife has absolutely no problem separating the two and she is the most honest, loyal, good hearted person I have ever met in my life. She doesn't compromise her feelings, doesn't say stuff just to make the other person feel better, never lies, has NO drama in her life, and everyone loves her. I know you might think I'm biased because I'm married to her, but she quite simply is the most amazing person I've ever had the fortune to come across (and I've known her for 20 years). I have no doubt that if you were to ever meet her, you would automatically like her. I'm extremely lucky to be with her...and how she deals with sex and emotion has no bearing on any of this. It could not be more irrelevant. Surprise, but... I am just like your wife. I am able to separate sex and emotion easily. For me personally, my high numbers make it much less likely I would ever cheat. I already know what sex is like with a variety of partners. I know that sex with my DH is as good as the sex I've ever gotten elsewhere, so why would I need to go elsewhere for it? I mean, you could say that if someone has low numbers, they are going to wonder what they've been missing, and are MORE likely to cheat. As far as the OP, as Mme. said, YOU are the unique thrill. You don't have to compare to anyone he's been with before, because you are good enough as you are. You offer him love and intimacy, and rather than focusing on a specific ACT you would be the first to give him, focus on giving him better LOVE than anyone else would ever give him. Because that's more important than being the first girl who stuck a finger in his butt, or whatever.
KungFuJoe Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Surprise, but... I am just like your wife. I am able to separate sex and emotion easily. For me personally, my high numbers make it much less likely I would ever cheat. I already know what sex is like with a variety of partners. I know that sex with my DH is as good as the sex I've ever gotten elsewhere, so why would I need to go elsewhere for it? I mean, you could say that if someone has low numbers, they are going to wonder what they've been missing, and are MORE likely to cheat. As far as the OP, as Mme. said, YOU are the unique thrill. You don't have to compare to anyone he's been with before, because you are good enough as you are. You offer him love and intimacy, and rather than focusing on a specific ACT you would be the first to give him, focus on giving him better LOVE than anyone else would ever give him. Because that's more important than being the first girl who stuck a finger in his butt, or whatever. Surprise, surprise. Totally agree with what you said about low numbers. My first gf (I was her 2nd) both cheated on each other...multiple times. She cheated on me sometime during the middle (didn't find out til later on) and I cheated right at the tail end. It was a very rocky and bad relationship that dragged on for four years. But that pretty much tosses the low number = integrity equation right out the window.
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