CallMeStannis Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 TL;DR: If there's anything I can impart you with, it's this: live, learn, lose, but never stop after the third word. Nearly three weeks ago, the one woman in my life that I cherished as much (almost, rather) as my mother decided that she no longer wanted to see me, talk to me, or have anything to do with me. At first, I thought it was a traditional bluff, a defense mechanism against my character. I thought she was simply giving me a trial period, where I would stew for a few days on her words and change in the process. All hope within me, I swore she would change her mind about conversing with me in a relatively short time span. She meant what she said, and weeks after no contact, I have no one to blame but myself. But before I go on, I want to say that I do not seek pity: I am only posting this as an affirmation to self that I understand and accept the situation. This has to be done because what she has done to me is completely in the right (in accordance with her values), no matter how much I try to tell myself that she is being vindictive and horrid. So, here's what happened: I knew she had an OkCupid profile (that's where we met, after all), and decided on some random day to have some fun with her. So I made a dummy account filled to the brim with all of her interests and motivations, and messaged her with said account while not revealing it was myself. Why did I do this creepy, irresponsible, and immature thing? To this day, I cannot answer that objectively. I thought at first it was a harmless prank, but as the days of her not calling me/texting me went on, I began to notice that I was getting antsier in the past few weeks before our "break-up" (we were never truly together). I started freaking out because I thought she was falling away from me even though she clearly wasn't, and I have no idea why my mind had came up with this idea. Anyway, she found out it was me after three messages (she knew from the beginning and was just messing with me by responding) and promptly called me off. Finito. The end. After three and a half months of constant speaking, it ended right then and there because of an impulsive decision born of massively pessimistic thinking. And that's where I am right now. I don't have her in my life right now, and more than likely I will not again. It hurts. Badly. I tried to forget about it, but my thoughts swirl back to her in my times to self. I tried to understand what I did and use the explanation to move on, but it feels like at times I just want to hurt myself for making such a grave error. I want to blame her for it all, but I can't do that either. I want to say she's overreacting, that she's wrong, that I didn't do anything horrible like hit her, that her response was unwarranted, that her actions (we did argue quite a bit, and even once she "hit" me, but all of the instances were over political things) led us to where we are. But I know she did the right thing for me and her. And it hurts. I am posting this as a release; validation nor chastising serves not to help me, only true deferral to words. I know I will never see her again. I know it's my fault. I know I made a grave mistake. I know that the pain will be there for at least another month. I know that her friends know about what I did and in turn think much less of me. I know I lost one of the best women in my life. I know. I know. I know now what it feels to lose something truly important. I have been through five break-ups, three of them happening after longer periods of time together. But they don't compare to this one. The freshness of the wound might be most in play, but this cut feels deeper. Maybe it's because we had a lot in common that I would never expect from another woman. Maybe it's because I was falling in love. Maybe... I don't know. But I do know. And I will never do it again. I will never let impulse drive my actions, I will never be so worried again. Easier said than done, but saying I won't will help to improve my chances of not repeating the same illogical mistakes. I will use this loss because ultimately it will be one of the most important factors in the molding of my person. As much as it hates me to say it, true loss is eminently important to future gain, insofar that what you learn from it might not have come to light had the event not transpired. This was a long post, I know, but I do miss her. A lot. Yet I am acutely aware that she is better without me, and I am better without her even though she taught me more than any other partner. I will use this loss and make sure that the pain I feel now is not replicated by an equally moronic mistake. Use your losses, people. A crude analogy, but you have to lose pieces in chess to win. CMS
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