What do I do now ?

[amythan]

Hello,

 

I really need some insight on this situation because I am really confused and kind of hurt. I do not want to play games or being manipulative but I just need to know now. My bf and I we are together for four months, I know it is not a long time but circumstances make that we have to decide now. Timing is bad but sometimes you cannot chose !

 

He will be leaving in three months (this was the initial plan before getting together) and I am really in love with him but i do not feel like investing more feelings and time if we have a "break up" date already.

 

I told him how I feel and asked him to stay one more year and then, if things work well between us, we could leave together. He said it is risky and he has to think about it. But deep inside I feel he already made his mind and he is just buying time. I do not want to pressure him but if he finally leaves i need to cut my loses. I also feel that he would not leave if i was that important to him so, why invest more in someone who does not feel the same ?

 

So i do not know what to do. Should i keep dating him until he come up with a decision or should I tell him to call me when he makes his mind and stop seeing him during this time ? I do not want to black mail him but if i continue as if nothing happens i am afraid he would just not take my words seriously and he would keep on going to finally crush me.

 

What is the right (and mature) think to do ?

Thanks for your help !

[veggirl]

That sucks.

 

Can you guys agree on a timetable for him to have to himself to think about whether or not he wants to push it back a year?

 

If he is def set on leaving in 3 mos, I would end it now rather than drag it out

 

What are the circumstances? Where is he going/why?

[amythan]

He wants to be back to his country because he misses his family and friends. And I understand that. If he leaves now we do not have a chance but if he stays for a year we could make plans together (as I wouldn't mind to go if it feels right). Now it is just too soon, we need time together.

 

This is what I think too. I am more attached to him every day and the situation it is getting the best of me, makes me feel unloved and i cannot help to think that he is leaving me behind without a second thought. Maybe unfair, i know. If he is determined to leave i think we should part separate ways now but if he is genuinely thinking about pushing it back i would not mind to give him time and space. Two or three weeks. But i do not know if seeing each other during this time is a good idea but i do not want to make him feel black mailed either. I just need to protect myself.

[Ninjainpajamas]

He's already got his heart set on going back home...you were just someone that was a filler until he was able to do so. So he's extremely likely not going to trade that desire for this inbetween love affair.

 

He doesn't want to hurt you so he has to make it out like he's thinking about it and considering it. If he really did feel strongly for you he'd be having an extremely difficult time and completely torn and feeling like this isn't something he wants to lose. I have a feeling this is a one-sided situation where you have much more emotions for him while he mainly has resolve and his mind made up. Partly because he already knew it wouldn't last.

 

I wouldn't suggest investing anymore with me than you already are...but it doesn't really matter because you're too emotionally invested, even IF you played the little game like you could and tried...after a week or someone, someone will make a phone call...you'll give him a hard time, cry some, distance yourself...he'll feel guilty and pressured to stay but ultimately will give you some explanation of why he needs to go.

 

Furthermore don't be fooled, he already knows the potential of this relationship. There's nothing that a year is necessarily going to show him that he doesn't already know with you now emotionally.

 

So you pressuring him or making him feel like he should stay or this wasn't "real" will just make him more frustrated and guilty about it.

 

You should take a step back and give him his space, not talk to him and just let him think about it until he comes back with an answer before even continuing on. The only thing spending 3 months will do is make it harder on you, but like I said...I doubt you have the resolve or strength to pull away from him being that you feel like you're "in love with him"...however It doesn't appear he feels the same....or he would have been the one coming to you about staying another year.

 

You'll try to protect yourself but fail IF you think you can just casually go through the next three months and enjoy things until he leaves...it'll just be feared with heartache on your side, and likely not knowing what to say other than trying to make you feel special.

 

In the end I think you'll be surprised how easily you'll get over this guy...four months isn't a long time. Once he's out of the picture, It might take you a few weeks or a month of crying and wallowing but you'll be over it likely.

 

I'm not trying to be cruel to you, I'm just trying to give you an ultra-realistic picture, with the emotional aspect cut out for clarity.

[amythan]

Thank you.

 

What you said it is exactly what I think and this is why it is so hurting. I feel that if he was in love with me all these conversations would be unnecessary and he would try to keep me in his life.

 

I do not plan to stick around. I was just talking about the time he needs to decide (two or three weeks) but i guess you are right and it is best to do not see him again until he makes his mind.

 

What i am struggling to understand is it seems he really cares and he knows i am hurt. So why do not tell me straight instead of stringing me along as if nothing happens ? I know it is also my responsibility to remove myself from here (and i will do) but now that I voiced my mind he can show some decency too ..

[amythan]

Well ... everything is going really wrong here and I am so stressed that i can barely sleep. Of course he does not know that but this situation is harder than I expected.

 

He was supposed to think about it but we haven't discussed the terms of this "thinking" so it turned on a bunch of cold and formal emails asking about my day and trying to get together but without putting the heart on it. I was so confused because of the mixed signals and I asked if his lack of interest was just a reflect of his need of space to think. I just texted him once in four days but always replied his texts as I thought he needed time but i was confused by the sound of them and the aloof plans to see each other. I mean if you think it is better to do not see each other, tell me straight and i would accept that but do not mess up with my head !

 

He replied saying that he needed time to think but asking if we could talk about it. I said yes of course (this conversation was by sms) and we are supposed to meet later in the week.

 

I think he is going to break up with me, and if this is the case i do not want to see him. There is no need of sugarcoating the fact he was just having fun with me. And even more why tell me today and wait four days to execute it instead of meeting me today (as i suggested) and finish this torture asap ? I am just gutted and very sad.

[FitChick]

I don't understand why he couldn't stay another year and if he missed his family, visit them for a week or two every six months or so. Better yet, have them come to visit him.

[reallyhotguy]

I'm not sure I totally understand the conflict. It looks like you're deciding between 3 more months with this person, and 0 more months with this person. If it's going to end anyway, why not take the 3 and make the most of it?

[amythan]

The conflict is about me wanting him to stay one year and then we would leave together if things go well. It is very risky because he should leave his job.

 

I am not staying with him three more months if he is leaving because this would hurt me deeply. I am in love with him but if he plans to hold back and leave me behind in a few weeks i need to cut my loses. He is someone i love not a random dude with whom i could have fun and then forget about.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You've posted several threads about this. If I have understood correctly, he let you know absolutely from day 1 that he would be leaving, and when.

 

It seems that this whole time, you have been struggling about this and trying to figure out a way to make it different.

 

I understand that you have fallen for him, but it seems that he has kept his feelings for you in check on purpose because he has always known without a doubt that he is leaving at a certain time. Kind of like a vacation love affair that is not destined to have a future.

 

I believe that you CHOSE to go forward with this guy knowing the circumstances. And now you are trying to get him to change the circumstances.

 

All you can do is enjoy the time you have together and stop pushing and hoping about the future. If he knows how you feel - and according to all your threads, he certainly does - he can reach out to you if he realizes that he does not want to be without you when he is "home."

 

But you can't make him.

[mortensorchid]

I have a question for you: Has he said "I love you"? Even once? And if so, what was your response?

 

If not, which I have a feeling that the answer is "not", then I'm afraid you aren't going to hear it. You've been together for 3 months and he hasn't said it yet? Well, I have some news for you : He isn't going to if he hasn't said it by now. He's going to leave in 3 months, and you're not going with him. If he has said "I love you", he would be asking you to come with him, if not forever then for at least a visit for a while. My last serious bf and I were together for 6 months and he never said it, deep within I knew he wouldn't. It's harsh, I know it is, but facts are facts.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well ... everything is going really wrong here and I am so stressed that i can barely sleep. Of course he does not know that but this situation is harder than I expected.

 

He was supposed to think about it but we haven't discussed the terms of this "thinking" so it turned on a bunch of cold and formal emails asking about my day and trying to get together but without putting the heart on it. I was so confused because of the mixed signals and I asked if his lack of interest was just a reflect of his need of space to think. I just texted him once in four days but always replied his texts as I thought he needed time but i was confused by the sound of them and the aloof plans to see each other. I mean if you think it is better to do not see each other, tell me straight and i would accept that but do not mess up with my head !

 

He replied saying that he needed time to think but asking if we could talk about it. I said yes of course (this conversation was by sms) and we are supposed to meet later in the week.

 

I think he is going to break up with me, and if this is the case i do not want to see him. There is no need of sugarcoating the fact he was just having fun with me. And even more why tell me today and wait four days to execute it instead of meeting me today (as i suggested) and finish this torture asap ? I am just gutted and very sad.

 

It's not going "wrong" It's going exactly the way he intended it to go...what don't you quite understand about that? I understand emotionally you are invested, but try and take a step back and see what he wants.

 

There's nothing to really "think" about when he's already got his mind made up...nothing is going to change that, anything that would he already knows and It's not good enough or there. Therefore he's trying to glaze over the situation and seems to be starting the detachment process.

 

Mixed signals is because you are trying to read into it...ask him directly, be open and communicative...he'll either try to carefully prance around the answers or answer them outright and directly. It's not confusing If you're taking into consideration his actions, unfortunately you just "confused" because you want to believe he feels more than he does or is showing.

 

Bottom line is he's going to mess with your head...that's what guys do, because the alternative of being completely honest is too dangerous and out of the comfort zone of the average man...so don't expect honestly and clarity out of most men unless you dig it out of them, unless of course it's something you want to hear then they're all too happy...or you might as well be wishing on a star.

 

Therefore he's going to play this detachment game with you If his intentions are to breakup with you...what's keeping you from pushing the situation and asking the questions? why are you doing the same thing he is doing and finding excuses instead of confronting the real situation? If you sit on your hands like he is how do you just blame him and not yourself? you expect men to do everything for you and take you by the hand?

 

I'm sorry, but If you're not willing to stand up for yourself, speak your mind, and express your emotions...not only are you not making yourself clear to the average man, you're essentially just waiting for the crap to hit the fan and you're going to take the chance of being walked over.

 

You need to learn to be strong IF you want to prevent being taken for a ride or advantage of, you can't just sit around and complain that a man didn't do it for you or the right thing...they hardly ever do.

[RedRobin]

Please find a way not to take his actions so personally...

 

The two of you had a 'contract' when you started...

 

You are trying to renegotiate the 'contract'... Which is ok to ask, but you can't really expect it... nor do you have to take it personally and internalize it as some huge rejection....

 

The old 'if I were special' thoughts...

 

His desire to go home has nothing to do with you. It was a decision he made before he met you.

 

This is why I simply don't get involved with men who are not in a place in their life to be committed... Their head just isn't in the right place. Sure... I could TRY to redirect that stream somehow... but why?? Aren't there other men more deserving of your time and energy?

 

Aren't there other people and things in your life (friends, family, career) who would benefit from your time and energy?

 

I know you say you love him... but if you really love him... then perhaps you will have to admit that what is best for him RIGHT NOW... may not be a relationship with you... and let it go...

 

There is someone else out there for you who can love you as much as you love him... If this man can't love you... you need to let him go... and do your best to be happy for the time you had.

Edited September 3, 2012 by RedRobin