My Worst Nightmare Come True :(

[generouswoman]

My situation is a done deal, and although i love and miss my ex dearly, i just need to vent and get advice on how to cope with what has happened. I feel like I'm still in the denial/bargaining stage.

 

A year after working at my current job, I began to notice this guy. He was really sweet and quite the flirt. He kept asking me out to dinner to get to know eachother, but I paid him no mind at first because first of all we work together, he was a bit younger and he was a cook while I have masters degree and work as a therapist in rehab (i didnt really care at all but ppl always pointed this out to me). After a while of him insisting on taking me out, i accepted. In dating i learned that he'd only been in the country for almost 2 years. On one of our first dates, he mentioned that he had dated a girl back home for 3 years and that he felt he had been very in love with her, and that he thought it was funny that they never did anything as she was a lot younger. I thought it was weird but shook it off, everyone has a past right.

 

About a month and a half later my brother went through my exs phone and saw suspicious text messages, when i confronted him he admitted that that was his ex girlfriend that he initially planned to see on his trip back home the following month. He claimed that he broke it off with her 2 weeks earlier and told her he had met someone here and that he wanted to pursue a relationship with me. I decided to believe him and we became an official couple.

 

This guy made me very happy, he was very sweet and affectionate, and would drop anything to take me anywhere i needed to go. he helped me with all sort of things. He came over and cooked dinner with me, spent every night because i had my own place. We were always together, he was from work to after work to weekends. I lent him money to buy a car, which he quickly paid back. We spent holidays with each others family. I spent days at the hospital and at his familys house when his grandmother passed, even helped a bit with funeral costs because they were short, helped out with a gift for his sisters wedding. I invested a lot in him and in his family and i felt that he did within reason the same with me. He'd write me little poems and sweet notes for me to find.

 

Everything was perfect, or so id thought. Snooping on facebook as we all do I saw that his ex girlfriend had a picture of the two of them at the beach, and my stomach dropped wondering if it was from his recent vacation. He of course denied everything. Said he didnt see her, hasnt talked to her, doesnt think about her, that he only wanted to be with me. Over this year his ex girlfriend messaged me a couple times telling me they were still together, that he was using me, that she would be moving here soon. He denied everything, and because i was otherwise happy i ignored it.

 

Well the week before our one year anniversary, my then boyfriend comes over in tears saying that ive been good to him, that he doesnt want to hurt me, that i dont deserve this. He tells me that he had a conversation with her over the phone earlier that week and by the end of the call he was confused about his feelings for her. He wasnt sure what he wanted to do, who he wanted to be with, he felt he was inlove with both of us, and couldnt be happy with either because he wanted us both. In tears, my worst nightmare him leaving me for the ex had come true. A few days later he told me he decided he wanted to be with me. That he wanted to marry me, live with me and have children with me. Which was exactly what my broken heart wanted to hear. But things would get a million times worse than i ever imagined.

 

I broke up with him anyway telling him that i loved him and wanted to be with him but that he needed to sort out his feelings and be sure. The following week he came over more teared up than the first time, saying that the ex girlfriends family found out he slept with her and they were throwing her out. That he felt responsible for ruining her future and that he was going to offer to help her if she wanted to come here and live with him (in his aunts house with him). He admitted that a part of him wanted to stay with me and another part wanted to try everything we'd lived with his ex girlfriend (maybe the grass is greener on the other side). A month exactly to the day that he told me she called and confused him, she arrived on a plane and moved in with him. Five business days later they were married and i see his face almost everyday at work. The pain is excruciating. I dont believe a word he said, I think he was killing time with me, basically using me. And it hurts so much, to invest in someone who can throw you aside and replace you like it was nothing. After she was here he texted saying he missed me and trying to explain why he "had" to get married. Told me he still loves me and regrets bringing her here, but he cant do anything about it now but try to make it work with her. Instead of celebrating our one year anniversary and working out the details for moving in together he's sleeping with his new wife. It disgusts me. Ive lost quite a bit of weight because im always nauseous and the idea of eating alone makes me feel sicker.

 

I do still message him and i have seen him several times since and it makes me sick, i dont know why after everything i havent been able to completely cut ties to no contact for more than 5 or so days, maybe because we practically lived together or because we had so many plans for the future or because i have to see him everyday at work. I still dont believe this is happening to me, or that HE has done this to me someone i thought loved and cared for me so much... but if he turned around and wanted to be with me tomorrow and he sent her on her way, i wouldnt even hesitate.

 

I know many would wonder why id still want to be with him after what hes put me through. Because I'm still inlove and I dont want to let go of what he made me believe. it makes me sick that everything he gave me he now gives to her. Im torturing myself and i need help letting go

[Scott68]

Not much to say or do but tell you to just hold on ride it out and it will get better. It sucks you see him everyday is there any chance that you can change jobs or transfer to get away from him? Pain like this really sucks I am sorry you have to deal with this.

[Lisa_Lisa]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know the pain is raw and hurts like hell. Right now all you can do think positive thoughts - and not thoughts about you and him getting back together. It's over now. Even if he did "send" her away and wanted to be with you, in the back of your mind, you'd be wondering if they're still not writing to each other or calling or texting, and if another trip were planned, there's no way you'd trust him on his own again.

 

He made his decision. Who knows why he wanted to marry her. But it's done.

 

I remember when my ex moved his new girlfriend into my house right after I left. She was pregnant and her mother had kicked her out. It hurt like hell. They are still together and have 2 children, it's been 10 years. I'm happy for them.

 

Please focus on yourself. I know it sucks to have to see him at work. That's the worst, I know. But all things pass. Embrace the pain because once you deal with it, it will ease off. It's true what people say about keeping busy. It does wonders. Think about 'you, you, you.'

[generouswoman]

Thanks for replying to my post. He said he married her because he couldnt afford to move out of his aunts house right now, and his aunt is Jehovas witness and he couldnt keep the girl in her house unless they were married...so married they got. I know he regrets it now, and it will get worse later. But at some point he wanted to see what it'd be like, he thought maybe it would be better than it was with me. Im not very concerned with how it will go for them, what goes around comes around. I know i just need to let it hurt, with time this too shall pass. I'm more afraid of always being skeptical and paranoid in my future relationships, of being bitter and not trusting other men.

 

And i do believe I need to find another job, asap. Out of sight out of mind, at least further down the line. Right now its torture. If we're in the same room for long i end up leaving so he wont see me cry, i duck into bathrooms and stairwells often. And occassionally i do need to address him in order to do my job.

 

I dont want to pitty myself or dwell in the pain. And I know i wont feel this way forever but i know it will take months. Your posts are very encouraging and empowering to me. I really appreciate your words.

[Lisa_Lisa]

His reasons for marrying her are bullcrap. He wanted to marry her. Plain and simple. If he didn't he would have had friends take her in or someone else or helped in some other way other than marrying her.

 

The day will come when you will feel nothing for him. And you'll laugh and say, 'what did I ever see in him'?

[Car10e]

 

it makes me sick that everything he gave me he now gives to her. Im torturing myself and i need help letting go

 

 

I feel the same way also...it sucks. His ex gf might have felt the same way when he was with you also. Its not a good feeling, but eventually it will get easier.

[generouswoman]

Bittersweet i absolutely agree, he married he because he wanted to. If a man wants to do something he will find a way and if he doesnt he'll find an excuse not to. I know that one day this will all seem crazy to me and ill see him and i wont care. But right now im completely terrified of seeing them out somewhere. Aside from working in the same building, they live just a few blocks from me. Im paranoid that ill see them when im pumping gas, at the bank or just in the store. Its driving me crazy, i dont feel free when i go out anywhere.

 

Car i did think about that actually. When the ex found out he was moving on in a relationship with someone here, im sure it was terrible for her, i just didnt think for one second he would turn around and then leave me for her. but here i am.

 

I just want the courage to accept this happened and to move on, i want to believe that there are only better things out there for me. But rejection is tough, point blank.

[generouswoman]

i need advice please!! I dont know what to do. I know the obvious thing to do is find a new job asap, but it isnt so simple. My job is five minutes away and walking distance from my place, i dont have a car. I am applying to new jobs but I can accept anything until i buy a car. Im hoping to get something this coming month. The last time we had contact was wednesday night and it was pretty bad. I hit an all time low and texted him that i wanted to go to sleep and not wake up which is exaclty how i felt. He told me no one was worth not wanting to live, and told me he was sorry but he couldnt come see me that night. I dont want to hurt or kill myself, nor do i think i would. Mostly because i dont like pain and im afraid of what the afterlife holds if u commit suicide. And more than anything, i know that one day i will feel much better, but right now i feel hopeless and miserable and unloved (as moved in his ex from another country and married her less than 6 weeks from our breakup). he and i were in contact up until the night before she flew in. I didnt know she was coming, but he obviously did. I slept with him thinking that he was still trying to decide who he wanted to be with. And i slept with him again after they were married. I wanted to know that he would cheat on her, and that hes a pig i wouldnt want to end up with anyway. He proved to just be selfish. In the middle of having sex, he stopped and got teary eyed and said he said want anyone else to have me. He just wants to have us both basically. He can have his other woman but wants me waiting for him. That obviously didnt help either. I dont want to be judged. I think a part of me thought id be satisfied knowing that he didnt care so much for her either if he cheated on her with me, but i also knew it was making me hold on to him more, obviously it doesnt change the fact that he chose her over me. I knew i wasnt going to start an affair with someone who was a month before my serious boyfriend. He's a horrible person.

 

ANyways, the morning after that last text i sent him i cried getting ready to go to work. I was so upset that even in my state of mind, he didnt care enough to make sure i was ok. basically i could be left to die for all he knew. And that was extremely hurtful, good thing im a coward. And thank god i do actually look forward to doing great things in my life, my career and experiences that are only waiting to happen and one day being with a great man and having children. thank god for that. To later get a message from my sister that my very first nephew had just been born. IDK why but this made me soo very happy, even though im not very close to my sister. I had a very productive day and met with different groups of friends, and felt like i didnt need to try to contact him or see if hed leave his new wife to come see me.

 

I know this will take me so much time. but what i am struggling with most is attempting to do NC while seeing hime veryday at work. Both of our departments are on the same floor and i always hear him laughing, whisteling, telling jokes, and occassionally i need to go into his office to ask for items or clear orders up. Today i went in heard him talking, go what i needed and kept my back to him the whole time, so i never even saw him. But still again and ended up crying in the bathroom. Any suggestions on how to best deal with working with him until i get a car to change jobs?? Its very very hard, its like it gets thrown in my face over and over again at work.

 

I know one day he will regret what he has done, but im worried about me right now. Ive been trying to exercise and meet up with friends and family often but its being at work or alone in my apartment that kills me. What can i do in the meantime?? Please any tips for when im at work. Im not good at hiding my feelings are acting hard. im very emotional and tend to cry alot at work too, but sometimes i know if i dip away and cry for a min it gives me strength for a while, but its not fair. he seems so happy at work, then he goes home to his newly waiting wife. What do i do??