Mycteria Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 I recently reconnected with a friend of mine that I've known since I was 12 but hadn't seen in about 6 years. He was my first love, but back then he didn't feel the same as there was a slight age gap (only 3 years, but when you're 12 and 15 that's a lot). We've met up twice since he first called me 2 months ago and I think we are both interested in seeing each other. However he keeps calling me drunk and trying to get sexual. He also tried to send me nude pics of himself tonight (luckily my phone can't recieve them). He's a super nice guy and I know he's not a jerk/player. But he's nearly 26 and has no relationship experience. Can I write this off as inexperience? I'm not sure what to say to him. Normally I'd tell the guy to F off, but this is someone who I know is not a bad person and who I've been friends with for 10 years. I don't want to piss him off, even if we don't end up together. But I still wonder about what it says about him. I've never really had this happen before.
Emilia Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 It say that he is an immature idiot, regardless of how nice you think it is. There are plenty of guys out there who are engaging and a good laugh. It doesn't mean they are relationship material, this one certainly isn't. 1
Author Mycteria Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 It say that he is an immature idiot, regardless of how nice you think it is. There are plenty of guys out there who are engaging and a good laugh. It doesn't mean they are relationship material, this one certainly isn't. Hmm...this is what I was worried about. Thanks for the response.
kaylan Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Write off as inexperience? Hellllll no. Inexperienced guys dont even have the gall to send a girl wang pics. Dude just lacks class and is being a tool bag. Dont go there with him. You havent seen him in forever and dont know the kind of man he is now. You knew him back when you were kids and you two are very different people now. Dont let the past cloud your judgement. 4
prettylittlethings Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Hmm...this is what I was worried about. Thanks for the response. I'll never date a drunk dialer. This guy who (for once) I was actually semi-interested in started calling me drunk, and after the second time I told him "if you actually want to chat, call me at a reasonable hour." He did... But I didn't answer after that anyway. Did he ask you to send photos to him aswell... I can only imagine, dickheads when they're out and about goofing around and showing their friends. "HEY MATE, take a look at this chick, got her to send me some photos... let's RATE" lol
weallfalldown Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Alcohol does stupid things to the brain.....perhaps he just can't handle it/.... Tell him to stop with the sexual hints.....and meet him when he's sober..... Nobodys perfect!.
Author Mycteria Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 Alcohol does stupid things to the brain.....perhaps he just can't handle it/.... Tell him to stop with the sexual hints.....and meet him when he's sober..... Nobodys perfect!. He wasn't drunk the two times we met up. In fact the first time we stopped for beer and went to the beach, but he didn't even drink his. We got a hotel room together (had to as we were out of town) and he was very respectful and stopped as soon as I asked him to. It's only when we aren't together that it's a problem.
Fondue Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 He finds you sexually attractive and is ineffectively communicating it. Isn't that what you girls call, "cute?"
Emilia Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 He finds you sexually attractive and is ineffectively communicating it. Isn't that what you girls call, "cute?" At the age of 21? Yes. 26? Not so much
Author Mycteria Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 At the age of 21? Yes. 26? Not so much Agreed...it's not cute at all. We were both science nerds when we were young (like...HUGE nerds). He's never had a girlfriend, just a long string of one night stands. It makes me think he doesn't know how to communicate with women any way other than sexually.
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 (edited) TBH, I've seen this behavior ALOT more now from men (and women too) in a wide range of ages... I chalk it up to something about our culture, OLD, and pervasiveness of PUA lit that leads to some people thinking it is ok to be over-familiar in many areas of life.... especially sexual. If you take a look around LS, for instance... there are a ton of misguided men who will say a guy has to push the raunchiest sexual aspects ASAP in order to avoid being 'friendzoned'... which I strongly disagree with... but that is the stupid 'coaching' they are likely getting from their friends and other sources. On top of that... If his experience is mostly hooking up, then the only aspect of women he's familiar with really, IS sexual... like you've already observed. Since you have a history with him, I don't think it would be out of line to tell him you find his behavior alarming and sadly disqualifies him from a relationship with you. You might also express (in a friendly way) how what he is doing may not be helping him... ask him if he has any female friends. It sounds like he could use a true female friend to help him out of his fixation and see women as people... that is, if there is a 'nice' guy under there somewhere. OTOH... it isn't your job to 'fix' people either, nor do you need a 'project'. I do have some sympathy for the stupid BS guys are fed. Me personally... I tend to drop kick them pretty fast myself... but that's mostly because the men I deal with are older than 26 and should know better... and I happen to believe their behavior comes from a place of anger... not ignorance. Edited August 29, 2012 by RedRobin
the ill-made knight Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 However he keeps calling me drunk and trying to get sexual. He also tried to send me nude pics of himself tonight (luckily my phone can't recieve them). How many times is keeps? Sounds like he can't handle his liquor, that's for sure, it might be best if he didn't drink to that extent. I'd, at least, suggest that. And if your phone cannot receive pictures how did you know they were nude pictures? At any rate, I think this just points to some immaturity on his end. I would talk to him about it and then if it happened again I would cut contact.
Art_Critic Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Guys that send their penis pics to women they are not already sexual with have done that before and will do that to many many women after you. The guy sounds like a tool.. but you know him best and have said he is a good guy.. 2
carhill Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Sounds like he's acting like a 15 yo who's now legal to drink. Since you haven't seen him in six years, that's like a lifetime at your young ages. Is it normal to get a hotel room with a man who was your first love at your ages and expect things to be platonic? Those are the observations from grandpa's chair. 6
CarrieT Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 However he keeps calling me drunk and trying to get sexual. He also tried to send me nude pics of himself tonight (luckily my phone can't recieve them). He's a super nice guy and I know he's not a jerk/player. But he's nearly 26 and has no relationship experience. Can I write this off as inexperience? I'm not sure what to say to him. Normally I'd tell the guy to F off, but this is someone who I know is not a bad person and who I've been friends with for 10 years. I don't want to piss him off, even if we don't end up together. But I still wonder about what it says about him. Re-read those parts of your message I bolded. You KNOW what this type of behaviour says about him - he IS a jerk. Instead of telling him to F off, you can just politely and quietly say how disappointed you are; thinking him better than to exhibit such juvenile acts AND that you would hope he would have a better opinion of YOU than to disrespect you so much as to do what he had done. And leave it at that.
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Is it normal to get a hotel room with a man who was your first love at your ages and expect things to be platonic? Good point. I didn't see that post... but I see now it appears things are more complicated. My prior advice still stands... The young gentleman could stand some coaching, but not sure if the OP wants to or is the appropriate person to provide it.
Radu Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Mycteria, i had a thread about women who send nude pics to guys or who put their nude pics online. I don't find this behaviour acceptable coming from a woman, and it quite frankly ... turns me off on her; i believe it says bad things about her character. I got a lot of flak in that thread from some 'feminists' for sticking to this opinion. I think the same thing of this guy, if you want a quality relationship ... steer clear of him. He will hurt you. Tell him what CarrieT suggested.
kaylan Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Agreed...it's not cute at all. We were both science nerds when we were young (like...HUGE nerds). He's never had a girlfriend, just a long string of one night stands. It makes me think he doesn't know how to communicate with women any way other than sexually. And youre giving him all this leeway why? Again I say, the boy you used to know and like is no more. Hes now a weird man imo. The string of one night stands is a huge red flag to couple his lack of relationship experience at 26.
Quiet Storm Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 You feel comfortable and familiar with him because you have known him a long time. Understand that we all know many people and they don't always show us, or even those closest to them, their true selves. The number of functional alcoholics and addicts in this country is staggering, yet many of their own family members don't know about their issues. He is showing you who he is, believe him. Don't let the familiarity cloud your vision. 1
joystickd Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 He's a super nice guy and I know he's not a jerk/player. But he's nearly 26 and has no relationship experience. Can I write this off as inexperience? I'm not sure what to say to him. Normally I'd tell the guy to F off, but this is someone who I know is not a bad person and who I've been friends with for 10 years. I don't want to piss him off, even if we don't end up together. But I still wonder about what it says about him. I've never really had this happen before. I bold that statement because you see him as a super nice guy and the reality is he is a thirsty guy that can't keep his dick in his pocket. This is the fundamental problem with male/female platonic friendships. The level of comfort sometimes creates this thing where the person whether the person male or female with push things in another direction. Often the woman has this delusion that the guy they are friends with is so nice oftentimes he is the passive aggressive wimp that lacks the balls to be honest from the beginning so he hides what's going on and it comes out like what you are experiencing now.
threebyfate Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 If you're looking for more than just sex from this guy, good luck.
Author Mycteria Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll definitely say something to him. And yeah Carrie...disappointment is probably the main thing I feel. I have this problem of always tying to give people the benefit of the doubt and understand where they are coming from...sounds like I need to stop doing that when it comes to relationships. Oh and as far as why we stayed in a hotel room...long story but I really needed to get out of the house for a few days so when he invited me out of town I accepted. Probably a bad move on my part but oh well. He was a gentleman the entire time though, didn't push me at all. We spent the night together the second time I saw him too (there is distance involved so it's kind of hard not to stay the night) and he didn't make any sort of sexual move at all. Like I said, the only problem is when he's drunk and not with me.
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