StandingO Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 A friend of mine is considering it. She is so frustrated at her husbands lack of effort and performance. They have talked and talked about it. Nothing ever changes. This is meant to be a unscientific poll.
HHC Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 It's never okay. If you're in a relationship and feel like your only option is to cheat, it's not. Leaving is an option and you should always do so not only for the other person, but so you continue to live in line with your own values 2
mitchell Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 I vote never. Either take the time and effort to fix and improve your relationship or move on. Don't take the cowardly route and cheat. 5
Got it Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 What does she want out of the relationship that he isn't giving/doing? Does she see that there would be any improvement in the future? Have they tried counseling? What would be the desired outcome if she could construct it? What does she think will be improved if she has an affair? Has she considered divorce? 1
Lauriebell82 Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Its never justified. Its human nature to find a legit reason for doing something that you know is wrong. 3
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 A friend of mine is considering it. She is so frustrated at her husbands lack of effort and performance. They have talked and talked about it. Nothing ever changes. This is meant to be a unscientific poll. Tell your friend to divorce her husband since she is frustrated and her husband makes no effort and talking is useless. Why stay married and cheat? 1
KathyM Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 It's never justified. It cheats your spouse out of having an authentic life and forces them to unknowingly go along with your whims and your behavior while they are being denied the right to determine the course of their own life. It's very selfish, and very unfair to the spouse. If there is something wrong in the marriage, then a person should either fix it, or leave the marriage. Infidelity is never the right answer for any situation in a marriage. 2
losingmyground Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Never!!!! If things are that bad in a relationship, speak your mind. If that does not solve the problems, then put your big girl panties on and end the relationship. At least you will leave with integrity. 2
TigerCub Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 When is it justified to kill someone? In self defense. If they've killed someone you loved. (that one depends on the circumstance and how the loved one got killed, why, etc...) People (most) recover from cheating, people don't recover from being killed - so its totally not the same.
Ninja'sHusband Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Never, leave the relationship instead. Live an honest life. 2
KungFuJoe Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 I know that this answer hasn't been considered yet...but what about... NEVER! 1
rainfall Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Its never ok. If you are that unhappy get a divorce.
M30USA Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 A friend of mine is considering it. She is so frustrated at her husbands lack of effort and performance. They have talked and talked about it. Nothing ever changes. This is meant to be a unscientific poll. Umm...why do YOU know about this and not her own husband? That's a problem right there.
carhill Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Once one's spouse/partner has been constructively notified of such intention. Example: "My needs are not being met within this R/M. If we can't resolve this, I'm going to get them met somewhere else" Perhaps many/most people would terminate/divorce, but this option does exist for those who choose not to. Each R/M is unique. Encourage your friend to fully disclose to her H and avoid deception. 2
soccerrprp Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Once one's spouse/partner has been constructively notified of such intention. Example: "My needs are not being met within this R/M. If we can't resolve this, I'm going to get them met somewhere else" Wow, how diabolically absurd and callous this line of thinking is. Leave the relationship...
carhill Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 For some people, they choose differently or are disallowed such choices by religion or culture. I'll ignore your adjectives as they probably describe you more accurately than myself or such people, in addition to be uncivil and disrespectful. 1
2sunny Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 ONLY if someone asks permission and the answer is yes.
carhill Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 OP, here's a great thread to read, written from the perspective of a husband, on the subject. This bookends on 2Sunny's post.
Author StandingO Posted August 30, 2012 Author Posted August 30, 2012 Great response. Too be honest I was expecting a few more people saying it was justified under "blank" conditions. Like where they agreed to a open marriage or whatever. I hope the pole keeps going. Why has she told my GF and I and not her husband. Before recently out of total frustration. She trusts our confidentiality and does not want to hurt him. He has been so good to her in many many ways. Financially with her teenager etc. She says the lack of sex and the bad sex is not enough reason to divorce him. They cuddle and kiss in public. According to her he is basic and selfish in the bed room. She has always had to approach him for sex. They have talked it out many times and no change. She thinks he just can't do any better. Wham bamm, done, roll over and sleep. That is all he does. She is left with no orgasm and begging for completion. We are talking about a very sexual female and a low sex drive male. A few years ago she had a few secret affairs with other men which will remain secret, then stopped. Now admits she may try with another woman. Very recently she told her husband and he agreed if he could watch. She said he could watch but not touch the other woman. I agree, if they still can't fix it then split up. At least agree on a open marriage or threesomes then split. There are two teenage kids envolved, one each from previous relationships. I believe he would do almost anything to keep her. Maybe allow an open marriage. Just my belief. Is sex within a marriage with someone other then your partner and of the same sex more, (in this case another woman) more justified then with another man? Her and her husband appear to think so. I believe she is at the point where she will try with another man again too.
todreaminblue Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 A friend of mine is considering it. She is so frustrated at her husbands lack of effort and performance. They have talked and talked about it. Nothing ever changes. This is meant to be a unscientific poll. it is a mockery of th epart that says for better or worse they are traditional values for getting married...if every body cheated when they hit rough spots we would have a wet spot that covered land in general....that sound pleasant or slimy.....my hand goes up SLIMY
woinlove Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) Once one's spouse/partner has been constructively notified of such intention. Example: "My needs are not being met within this R/M. If we can't resolve this, I'm going to get them met somewhere else" Perhaps many/most people would terminate/divorce, but this option does exist for those who choose not to. Each R/M is unique. Encourage your friend to fully disclose to her H and avoid deception. Such a person really needs counselling or help to see that they need to leave the relationship, Once one is issuing ultimatums rather than discussing things with their spouse, the M is either dead or in deep crisis and an affair won't fix that. And as for avoiding deception, that requires a lot more than your one line. That one line does not mean, to just give one concrete example, well you should have known I was going to have sex with your sister in our marital bed with our children sleeping in the next rooms, in order to have my needs met. One might consider negotiating an open M, but that is completely different from the ultimatum you suggest and I can't see how that attitude will lead to anything but a whole lot of deception and betrayal unless you mean to follow it up with thousands of other discussions with the spouse. I don't think secret affairs are ever justified. If the couple has agreed to boundaries and rules for themselves which include romantic and or sexual relationships with others, that is a different matter. Edited August 30, 2012 by woinlove
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