Anyone ever had a serious relapse MONTHS after a breakup?

August 29, 2012

I ended a two-year relationship with my ex, "Kyle," last December. The breakup was pretty mutual but sad for us both. I fell into a deep depression but within a couple months started to feel like myself again. And after maybe four months I truly felt that I was "over" him -- not thinking about him much, having no desire to contact him, and looking forward to new possibilities.

I've only tried dating again within the last couple of months, arranged online and in one case by asking out someone I found cute. I've had some fun dates but haven't formed any genuine attachments.

What's disturbing is that my recent dating has somehow revived my feelings for Kyle. To the point where I can acknowledge that I am, unequivocally, hardcore, still in love with him. I have dreams about him, I think about him all the time, I have fantasies about getting back together, and when I'm in his area I deliberate take a driving route that takes me past his place.

On my dates, though I try hard to get into things, I find myself just missing Kyle. For example, I went on a date recently where I had a lot in common with the guy (more than I ever did with Kyle) but the spark of chemistry was just absent. I missed the sense of contrast I had with Kyle. Also, on my one attempt to sleep with someone new, I woke up just aching for Kyle to be by my side. It was almost like a physical need, like when you're thirsty for water.

I have no clue what to do with these emotions, and whether I should give them any validity. I question whether this is evidence that we had a "true love" that we should have tried harder at -- because I have never in my life found myself pining for an ex 10 months after the fact.

I'm pretty sure Kyle won't agree to be in contact with me unless I absolutely force him to, and even if he does I'm not sure what to do, say or expect. I don't know if he's dating someone new. And I think if I told him I still loved him, and he didn't feel the same, it would kill me. I also realize notions of "starting again" with him are really far-fetched. If the condition that broke us up in the first place (he was a total pothead, and his level of abuse ended up scaring me, depressing me, and preventing me from taking him seriously) remains in full effect, I know we have no chance.

These emotions are forcing themselves on me right now by surprise and absolutely dominating me. If anyone has any thoughts or similar stories, my ears are open.

August 30, 2012

I ended a two-year relationship with my ex, "Kyle," last December. The breakup was pretty mutual but sad for us both. I fell into a deep depression but within a couple months started to feel like myself again. And after maybe four months I truly felt that I was "over" him -- not thinking about him much, having no desire to contact him, and looking forward to new possibilities.

I've only tried dating again within the last couple of months, arranged online and in one case by asking out someone I found cute. I've had some fun dates but haven't formed any genuine attachments.

What's disturbing is that my recent dating has somehow revived my feelings for Kyle. To the point where I can acknowledge that I am, unequivocally, hardcore, still in love with him. I have dreams about him, I think about him all the time, I have fantasies about getting back together, and when I'm in his area I deliberate take a driving route that takes me past his place.

On my dates, though I try hard to get into things, I find myself just missing Kyle. For example, I went on a date recently where I had a lot in common with the guy (more than I ever did with Kyle) but the spark of chemistry was just absent. I missed the sense of contrast I had with Kyle. Also, on my one attempt to sleep with someone new, I woke up just aching for Kyle to be by my side. It was almost like a physical need, like when you're thirsty for water.

I have no clue what to do with these emotions, and whether I should give them any validity. I question whether this is evidence that we had a "true love" that we should have tried harder at -- because I have never in my life found myself pining for an ex 10 months after the fact.

I'm pretty sure Kyle won't agree to be in contact with me unless I absolutely force him to, and even if he does I'm not sure what to do, say or expect. I don't know if he's dating someone new. And I think if I told him I still loved him, and he didn't feel the same, it would kill me. I also realize notions of "starting again" with him are really far-fetched. If the condition that broke us up in the first place (he was a total pothead, and his level of abuse ended up scaring me, depressing me, and preventing me from taking him seriously) remains in full effect, I know we have no chance.

These emotions are forcing themselves on me right now by surprise and absolutely dominating me. If anyone has any thoughts or similar stories, my ears are open.

Hi, I was just wondering if you had taken these feelings any further?

August 30, 2012

I just posted this a few days ago and haven't done anything with my feelings except mull on them.

I'm still interested in taking advice on this stuff from people here. It's not

something I can really talk about with friends or other people in my life. (I already know their reaction would be kinda, "Get over it." Or "there's a guy I want to set you up with...")

I'm not a fan of therapy but I think I might need to look into that in this case. It's really out of the blue and wrenching for me to feel this way so long after the breakup, and have no clue what to do with it.

August 30, 2012

No one here has a word to say about this? No one's been through something similar?

August 31, 2012

Hey! Its simple if u dumped him call him and be honest with ur feelings, if he dumped u MOVE ON, if it was mutual, call him. Sometimes someones absence makes us realize someones value and impact in our lives. Contrary to what everyone says here, relationships can work out even if it has failed many times before, my parents r living proof. They divorced, went thru their lives without each other, even dated other people. After 2 years they realized they were meant to be, and they didnt settle, tey tried the dating scene. Theyve been stronger than ever since then and still growing strong and just celebrated their 40 yr anniversary recently, thats the beauty of life, every situation is difft, theres no template or blueprint for love, it always comes down to both people loving and appreciating each other in the end, i hope u find what ur looking for and i am def rooting for ur happiness

August 31, 2012

No one here has a word to say about this? No one's been through something similar?

Can't say I have. I've just started the dating thing again and am very very cautious. I know you say you're not a fan of therapy but have you tried just talking to someone about it (indepth-ly)? Sometimes when you compartmentalize feelings, they come back full force later on. It's that whole stupid closure thing. Don't bury your problems. Pick them apart. I've seen people rebound and date other people after serious breakups and they go for the same kind of person as their ex thus repeating the same mistake over and over. Make a list about Kyle. What did you like? What didn't you like? When you like someone else who had all the same qualities that he had but maybe treated you better? Don't fall into the whole "oneitis" thing. That was my mistake. Sometimes we don't feel that spark because our heart is... well, "eclipsed" if you will. You may not even notice that there is someone already in your life that is great or you're not receptive even if you meet someone new. Chemistry isn't always fireworks on the first date. Sometimes, starting off as friends and just doing things together is a wonderful way to get to know someone. I heard on the radio (NPR) today that it's very to find someone who can fight fair with you. Apparently that's the key to a long term relationship. Other than this, I can't advise anything else because there's not too much info on your relationship but I do wish you the best of luck. There is always something better out there. Always. You just have to be willing to try and find it and know when to hold on when it comes by.

August 31, 2012

@Brokendude: It was pretty much mutual but he "technically" broke up with me. Beforehand I had told him I couldn't see us lasting and didn't see us going any deeper -- essentially breaking up -- but I couldn't follow through with it and we got together maybe two or three times after that, not addressing the elephant in the room. It was a sad, awful time when we both knew it was over. Finally he was like "I can't do this" and had the balls to give it a decisive end.

@Appleness: Curious what you mean about this "fair fight" thing -- tell me more?

August 31, 2012

You act like talking to an ex is a bad thing.
Who feeds you this stuff?
What's wrong with talking to someone you love?
Nothing at all, in my view.

Many people on this message board would disagree with you. There are a lot of people here who believe that "no contact" is the only way to go with an ex, if you're ever going to fully heal yourself. And I do agree with that in some ways, but I think it's sometimes not realistic.

And in my case, when I have had the guts to actually talk about my feelings here with a couple friends, I've gotten really dismissive responses. Sort of like, "You're crazy, move on." There's no encouragement for me to talk to or see this guy again, because people in my life think he's ancient history and want to see me moving on.

August 31, 2012

Has he made any attempt to contact you during this time? If not, I'm not confident he's "seen the light" or decided that he understood the merit of giving up his habit to rekindle a relationship with you. Essentially, you gave him an ultimatum, right? You couldn't deal with his habit/addiction, and probably told him he needed to stop or the relationship wouldn't work. He chose to end the relationship.

I was in a similar on-again-off-again (more on than off) relationship for over 5 years. My ex was an addict and a liar. He would pretend to give up marijuana in order to keep me around, but I'd eventually find out that he hadn't. I asked him: "If you would lie about this, what else are you capable of lying about?" He maintained that he wouldn't lie about anything else, but ended up lying about his fidelity (he cheated on me about 3 times, that I know of). He never changed, but I threw away my dignity and clung to the last shred of hope. We'd been through a lot together, and it was just too difficult to make that final cut. I was depressed, felt awful about myself, and felt trapped. He had no desire to change, lied to me continuously, and one day started talking about moving closer to NYC (with me) to be closer to his office. This made alarms go off in me. Could I ever really commit to a life with this man, seeing as he made no effort to change, and after all the cheating, lies and addiction? No. And I understood what my position was in the relationship; I was the co-dependent. It often happens in relationships where one partner has an addiction. Maybe you should look into this concept some more...a couple of things you said threw up red flags that you may also have been in that position.

You may have genuine love for this man, but unless you want to find yourself back in the same cycle with him, I suggest you do not pursue him. For all the times I'd broken up with my ex, I would eventually pursue him again...and fall back on hard times with him once again. Nothing changed, ever, except for the frequency and depth of his lies. Part of me still hurts over what came to be of our 5 year long relationship. It ended very badly (with more cheating, lies and addiction run rampant). Part of me will always love him, too, but I deliberately stopped connecting with those feelings and made a point to remind myself every day of his negative traits and behaviors. They far outweighed his positive attributes. I think that if you do the same (remind yourself of the things about your ex that you could not tolerate), you will be able to put the love you still harbor for him away in its final resting place. You will probably always love him, and that's okay, but true love is not defined by possession.

August 31, 2012

Has he made any attempt to contact you during this time? If not, I'm not confident he's "seen the light" or decided that he understood the merit of giving up his habit to rekindle a relationship with you. Essentially, you gave him an ultimatum, right? You couldn't deal with his habit/addiction, and probably told him he needed to stop or the relationship wouldn't work. He chose to end the relationship.

I was in a similar on-again-off-again (more on than off) relationship for over 5 years. My ex was an addict and a liar. He would pretend to give up marijuana in order to keep me around, but I'd eventually find out that he hadn't. I asked him: "If you would lie about this, what else are you capable of lying about?" He maintained that he wouldn't lie about anything else, but ended up lying about his fidelity (he cheated on me about 3 times, that I know of). He never changed, but I threw away my dignity and clung to the last shred of hope. We'd been through a lot together, and it was just too difficult to make that final cut. I was depressed, felt awful about myself, and felt trapped. He had no desire to change, lied to me continuously, and one day started talking about moving closer to NYC (with me) to be closer to his office. This made alarms go off in me. Could I ever really commit to a life with this man, seeing as he made no effort to change, and after all the cheating, lies and addiction? No. And I understood what my position was in the relationship; I was the co-dependent. It often happens in relationships where one partner has an addiction. Maybe you should look into this concept some more...a couple of things you said threw up red flags that you may also have been in that position.

You may have genuine love for this man, but unless you want to find yourself back in the same cycle with him, I suggest you do not pursue him. For all the times I'd broken up with my ex, I would eventually pursue him again...and fall back on hard times with him once again. Nothing changed, ever, except for the frequency and depth of his lies. Part of me still hurts over what came to be of our 5 year long relationship. It ended very badly (with more cheating, lies and addiction run rampant). Part of me will always love him, too, but I deliberately stopped connecting with those feelings and made a point to remind myself every day of his negative traits and behaviors. They far outweighed his positive attributes. I think that if you do the same (remind yourself of the things about your ex that you could not tolerate), you will be able to put the love you still harbor for him away in its final resting place. You will probably always love him, and that's okay, but true love is not defined by possession.

Listen to this person.

Venus, are you still dealing with this breakup?

August 31, 2012

Listen to this person.

Venus, are you still dealing with this breakup?

No, I'm not, thank goodness. I still feel affected by those years of being lied to and cheated on - the worst toll it took on me was the effect it had on my self-esteem. Understandly, I was bit guarded after that experience, but am in a healthy relationship now (we've been together 6 months). It's like night and day. This is the first healthy and mature relationship I've ever been in (and I'm closing in on the big 3-0!) We talk, we compromise, we put actions behind our claim of love to one another. AND, we both realize we could leave if we wanted, whereas in my last relationship, I felt completely powerless to leave. I felt enslaved to him and to the relationship. It was a constant feeling of anxiety, too. Nothing about it was good.

August 31, 2012

It sounds like you aren't necessarily in love with your ex, but rather you are craving a romantic connection with someone. I suspect you haven't met anyone you've really felt that spark for, so you're reverting back to your ex mentally and emotionally.

Remind yourself it isn't about your ex. It's not him you want. You want to feel love (that's not unreasonable), which you will eventually with someone else.

August 31, 2012

It sounds like you aren't necessarily in love with your ex, but rather you are craving a romantic connection with someone. I suspect you haven't met anyone you've really felt that spark for, so you're reverting back to your ex mentally and emotionally.

Remind yourself it isn't about your ex. It's not him you want. You want to feel love (that's not unreasonable), which you will eventually with someone else.

I agree with this... this is undoubtedly one of the forces at play here. Looking back, if I'd ever gotten the (true) love I was looking for during one of the many "breaks" my ex and I had taken, I would have run with it. I'd go back to my ex because I felt lonely, unloved, and confused. An act of desperation (I have shame over it, indeed), when in fact reconnecting with that kind of tained love was the last thing I needed.

August 31, 2012

venusianx13: Thanks for the thoughtful advice.

You're right, I don't want to revive any sort of situation with him if nothing's changed with his addiction. But I guess I just can't help but wonder -- "Did our breakup give him any to change? Was it the wakeup call he needed?" and/or "Is there a chance for him to change in the future?"

I broke up with him because I knew I couldn't do anything to change him myself, and I couldn't be the one to police his habits. I knew he'd have to do that on his own. But I think this whole time I've been clinging to this hope that things would change if I stepped back and gave him time. And I'm now feeling like I need to check in with him - if it's the last time I do it -- before I can fully let him go.

I should also say that I don't think he totally understood that the weed was such a major factor in our breakup. He thought I was kind of groping for an excuse to mask my fear of intimacy. (I remember him saying, "If it wasn't the weed, it would be something else.") And to be fair to him, I AM an intimacy phobe. But for many reasons, including that I thought it would be too condescending and hurtful to him, I never explicitly said things like: "It IS the weed! Do you get that I can't have you meet my parents or my boss because I'm afraid you'll be high as a kite? Do you get that you ALWAYS smell of weed wherever you are? Do you get that people make fun of your 'stoner voice'? Do you get that I lose respect for you every time I see you take a bong hit before work?"

Writing these things out is a good reminder of why we broke up. But does anyone think it might still be a good idea -- at least for my own sense of closure -- to check in with him on where things stand? And to let him know that I'm still in love with him and hoping things are/ could be different?

Edited August 31, 2012 by Standard-Fare

August 31, 2012

I agree with this... this is undoubtedly one of the forces at play here. Looking back, if I'd ever gotten the (true) love I was looking for during one of the many "breaks" my ex and I had taken, I would have run with it. I'd go back to my ex because I felt lonely, unloved, and confused. An act of desperation (I have shame over it, indeed), when in fact reconnecting with that kind of tained love was the last thing I needed.

I've seen this pattern with people before. I might have been guilty of this myself at some point in my relationship.

Some really intelligent, and mature women on this thread.

August 31, 2012

Well, did he know how you felt about his addiction? What, ultimately, led to the break up if it wasn't that? And if it wasn't the weed, was there something else about him you couldn't tolerate? I think you know the truth about these things better than any of us, here.

I like to share my experience in hopes of saving someone else some heartache, but I KNOW(!!) that people will rarely take advice to heart and will need to experience things for themselves. That's how wisdom is gained. So, ultimately, you will and should do whatever you are compelled to do. In whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck.

August 31, 2012

I agree with this... this is undoubtedly one of the forces at play here. Looking back, if I'd ever gotten the (true) love I was looking for during one of the many "breaks" my ex and I had taken, I would have run with it. I'd go back to my ex because I felt lonely, unloved, and confused. An act of desperation (I have shame over it, indeed), when in fact reconnecting with that kind of tained love was the last thing I needed.

To the point about just wanting a "romantic connection" rather than my ex himself -- the two friends I talked to said the same thing but I'm inclined to reject this. I'm focusing here in talking about my ex's problems but there were so many things I loved about him that I've never found in anyone else.

He's a really unique dude and so am I, both of us kind of social misfits, and we gelled in many ways. Let me give you an example: For a long while, I'd say months, he didn't have an official "bed." We'd just sleep on the floor on a layer of blankets. I thought it was kinda fun, like camping. But I also pointed out to him, "You know I'm probably the only girl who would find this fun rather than pathetic, right?" (P.S. We're both 30+)

And physically, sexually, it was the best relationship I've had in my life. Just total comfort there and constant attraction. I'd never found that before.

I'm also not someone who dates a lot or feels the need to. I don't bounce from relationship to relationship, and single is my comfortable "status quo." In fact this relationship was the longest and most committed I'd had since high school.

So it's a little bit reductive, to me, to think that this is just me missing a feeling of connection.

August 31, 2012

To the point about just wanting a "romantic connection" rather than my ex himself -- the two friends I talked to said the same thing but I'm inclined to reject this. I'm focusing here in talking about my ex's problems but there were so many things I loved about him that I've never found in anyone else.

He's a really unique dude and so am I, both of us kind of social misfits, and we gelled in many ways. Let me give you an example: For a long while, I'd say months, he didn't have an official "bed." We'd just sleep on the floor on a layer of blankets. I thought it was kinda fun, like camping. But I also pointed out to him, "You know I'm probably the only girl who would find this fun rather than pathetic, right?" (P.S. We're both 30+)

And physically, sexually, it was the best relationship I've had in my life. Just total comfort there and constant attraction. I'd never found that before.

I'm also not someone who dates a lot or feels the need to. I don't bounce from relationship to relationship, and single is my comfortable "status quo." In fact this relationship was the longest and most committed I'd had since high school.

So it's a little bit reductive, to me, to think that this is just me missing a feeling of connection.

Considering this, then, is his habit something you'd be willing to overlook in the future? Is his habit the only thing you could not tolerate?

September 1, 2012

Considering this, then, is his habit something you'd be willing to overlook in the future? Is his habit the only thing you could not tolerate?

It was the number one source of conflict and in my mind was related, whether directly or indirectly, to all of the problems I had with him.

For example, I was never too keen on bringing him into social situations with my good friends because I didn't know if he was just going to be high and acting like a buffoon (which he did a couple times.) I never introduced him to my parents because they're kind of conservative and I think he really would have thrown them for a loop. He's not someone you bring home to dad, if that makes sense. And that would be fine with me as long as he could clean himself up and fake it, but someone who's high as constantly as he is just can't do that.

Writing this stuff out is reminds me of the dysfunctional situation we created for ourselves -- in love but not able to build a future -- and makes me realize I need to just let this one go, despite the way I'm feeling.

I wish there was some easy way for me to communicate "In case things have changed, or if they ever do change, I love you" but it almost seems cruel to do to him, assuming he can't change. It's like "In case you ever become the person I want you to be, let me know."

September 1, 2012

I'm glad that writing these things out has helped you to understand the core dysfunction of the relationship. Quite honestly, if he hasn't reached out to you, it probably means he hasn't cleaned his act up (and probably doesn't intend to.) Getting high has become his refuge practice. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it doesn't work in your life (for the reasons you've stated.) I felt the same way with my ex.

What will happen now is you will take time to heal, and your standards will be different when you get into your next relationship. You know more about what works for you, and what doesn't. This is a good thing. It's all about being 100% honest with yourself and your partner from the start. I promise you, you'll be much happier the next time around, with the wisdom you've gained from the last relationship. Sometimes failed relationships act as stepping stones in life. Rather than lamenting over the loss, and what was bad about them, we can see these exes as our teachers.

I hope you feel better soon. We've all been there. I know from experience that there is no worse pain than letting go of someone you love. However, the rewards of the future far outweigh the pain of the past.

September 4, 2012

Thanks for the responses here.

I know I need to completely give up, but for some reason I still can't fight this urge to let him know I'm still in love with him. I don't want him to have any doubts or misunderstandings about that in case he's feeling the same way and there could be, at any point down the line, some hope of a reconciliation.

Does anyone think I should go ahead and do that? I don't know if it would be a letter, phone call, in-person meeting, or what. Probably a letter so I could keep my distance but still get my thoughts out there.

I know many people would just tell me to let it drop completely but I feel like this is a step I need to take before I give myself total permission to move on.

September 30, 2012

I'm posting an update here basically as a cautionary tale for people who find themselves in the same boat as me -- pining for an ex months later and feeling the urge to do something about it.

I wasn't able to suppress my feelings so I got in touch with Kyle and proposed that we get together. I thought it would be helpful to see him in person and talk things out rather than bombarding him with an emotional letter. At first he agreed to meet up but then he abruptly fell out of contact. Like a fool, I tried once more to set up something. He didn't contact me for five days and when he did, he texted me this: "You need to move on. There is no possibility that we can be friends."

In a way I appreciate his blunt honesty but his text really sent me on a tailspin. I feel exactly the same way I did when we first broke up -- total depression, unable to think clearly, etc. It's been a major regression.

Take it from me: It's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

September 30, 2012

I'm posting an update here basically as a cautionary tale for people who find themselves in the same boat as me -- pining for an ex months later and feeling the urge to do something about it.

I wasn't able to suppress my feelings so I got in touch with Kyle and proposed that we get together. I thought it would be helpful to see him in person and talk things out rather than bombarding him with an emotional letter. At first he agreed to meet up but then he abruptly fell out of contact. Like a fool, I tried once more to set up something. He didn't contact me for five days and when he did, he texted me this: "You need to move on. There is no possibility that we can be friends."

In a way I appreciate his blunt honesty but his text really sent me on a tailspin. I feel exactly the same way I did when we first broke up -- total depression, unable to think clearly, etc. It's been a major regression.

Take it from me: It's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

I'm sorry you had to face this. I had a very different kind of reunion with my ex but it all lead to the same conclusion.

You are left back where you started. As sad as it might be you have to accept that this is irreversible. Funny how things just change so suddenly.

September 30, 2012

I'm posting an update here basically as a cautionary tale for people who find themselves in the same boat as me -- pining for an ex months later and feeling the urge to do something about it.

I wasn't able to suppress my feelings so I got in touch with Kyle and proposed that we get together. I thought it would be helpful to see him in person and talk things out rather than bombarding him with an emotional letter. At first he agreed to meet up but then he abruptly fell out of contact. Like a fool, I tried once more to set up something. He didn't contact me for five days and when he did, he texted me this: "You need to move on. There is no possibility that we can be friends."

In a way I appreciate his blunt honesty but his text really sent me on a tailspin. I feel exactly the same way I did when we first broke up -- total depression, unable to think clearly, etc. It's been a major regression.

Take it from me: It's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

God I know this feeling. My ex broke up with me about 6 months ago. Nasty break up, he did things to me I never thought possible. The first 3 months were hell. I started to do a little better when he contacted me about getting back together. I too looked past the number one thing I didn't like about our relationship, his drinking, and thought maybe we could make it work. After our talk about getting back together went horrible, as he didn't like what I was going to need from him in order to make our relationship work, he decided he didn't want to be with me. Now here I am... sitting almost in the same position I was when we first broke up. It sucks to be back in the horrible position. Makes me wonder where I would be at if I just stayed NC.

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Anyone ever had a serious relapse MONTHS after a breakup?

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