He and his W are having a child. UGH. <update: no pregnancy>

[frozensprouts]

OP,

i'm not going to give you grief over what you said in anger...it's the things that you say when you feel you are being calm and rational that are so much more troubling...

 

you had a cruddy past, and you seem to wear that as a "shield" of sorts...it seems you are very afraid of being hurt, and very afraid of really admitting that this married man, who you love and who you feel loves you too is capable of, with full knowledge of his actions, hurting you too.

 

So you lash out at and blame his wife. But remember...it's not his wife who hurt you, who cut off contact with you, who dragged out your relationship for years...that was him. If this man, knowing your past, truly loved you, he would not want to drag your pain out for ten years...ten years! If he really was capable of loving you without hurting you, he'd never have done that, and labeling his behavior as "conflict avoidant" doesn't change it one damn bit. It just rationalizes his hurtful behavior, and makes an excuse for him to keep on dragging you along.

I sounds like the bet thing for you would be to leave him in your past and to move on to a brighter future

[MissBee]

AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!!

 

just learned--not confirmed through him as i am not talking to him-- that he and his W are having a child. UGH. she is much too old (approaching 50!). he has a D in her teens from his 1st marriage whom i miss and never get to talk to or see anymore (and havent' since she was in 2nd grade). up til now they had no kids together and they've been married almost 9 years. i was told last year they are not having children- mutual decision. i know this because i told him last year if they ever had kids together, he better not name them the names i wanted for our kids. that's when he said, "____ and i are NOT having kids."

 

i think my insides just went up in flames and not for a good reason. i do not wish them well and i sincerely hope she miscarries. i hate for that to happen to an innocent baby but before this baby enters this world, i hope she loses it. i know it's mean to say, i know it's vicious but i can barely process being left like that, the way he did. to find out they are expecting?! AUUUUUUUUUGH... i just want to shrivel up and disappear.

 

Wow....

 

Well I'm certain you realize that is a heinous desire to have. But in any case, I understand your hurt, but hopefully this is the wake up call you need to realize this man is married to someone else...that means, they can change their mind at any point and have babies, buy houses, up and move and make life decisions together without consulting you. He wasn't invested in your relationship 100% and your plans about "your kids" and so on was all air fairy talk that wasn't steeped in reality. Your relationship isn't ruined because his wife is having a baby and in fact, her miscarrying will probably bring them closer not farther apart. Her having a baby is only evidence of what has always been the case...he's married to someone else and in being married, they have sex and do married things, like making kids and having a life together. That was always that way, even with the A. So now it's time for you to see this and make decisions for yourself with this "revelation" in mind.

 

Trust me, I've been in an A. I know how great it feels to plan and for this person to promise you a future or insinuate it, but the reality often is that while they are still married to someone else, that relationship will take precedence. Now that you've seen that he and his wife are having a baby together, hopefully it makes you question where this relationship was REALLY going and maybe now is the time for you to make some decisions for YOURSELF!

 

Do you want to be in a relationship where your man is obligated to another woman and is having kids and a life with her, but just makes futuristic plans with you on the side that don't pan out? Do you want to be at the mercy of what happens within your man's other relationship? Or do you want to be with someone who is 100% invested in you and you alone?

Edited August 30, 2012 by MissBee

[CarrieT]

Miss Bee, you should read the whole thread; the OP learned there is no pregnancy.

[MissBee]

I realize that now; everything else still stands though, in terms of this "false alarm" should serves as a wake up call for her to figure out where things really are going with this relationship, and figure out whether or not it's time to throw the towel in or stick around for more.

[veryhappy]

You obviosly lost it there for a while. If you still had it together, you would have realized that the chances of a woman approaching 50 conceiving are zero in the real world. I'll blame your wishes for the virtual baby on the broken heart, and think that you are normally a regular person who wouldn't wish harm to a child.

 

If you had enough, move in that direction. Your negative feelings are misplaced. You are so focused to blame her, and not like her to cover for him and make him the perfect man. If you step back a little, your perspective will change.

[Got it]

OP,

i'm not going to give you grief over what you said in anger...it's the things that you say when you feel you are being calm and rational that are so much more troubling...

 

you had a cruddy past, and you seem to wear that as a "shield" of sorts...it seems you are very afraid of being hurt, and very afraid of really admitting that this married man, who you love and who you feel loves you too is capable of, with full knowledge of his actions, hurting you too.

 

So you lash out at and blame his wife. But remember...it's not his wife who hurt you, who cut off contact with you, who dragged out your relationship for years...that was him. If this man, knowing your past, truly loved you, he would not want to drag your pain out for ten years...ten years! If he really was capable of loving you without hurting you, he'd never have done that, and labeling his behavior as "conflict avoidant" doesn't change it one damn bit. It just rationalizes his hurtful behavior, and makes an excuse for him to keep on dragging you along.

I sounds like the bet thing for you would be to leave him in your past and to move on to a brighter future

 

 

RHW - I am sorry you feel the way you do and can understand when emotions take the lead. I wanted to bold the above to reiterate what was posted. Many times the OP and the BS focus on the other man/woman and not at the person who they are in love with. It is easier to do and harder to really see your love in the harsh light of day. As a now past OW I want to guide you to keeping your focus on him. He does not have a gun to his head and is doing everything that he is because he wants to. Neither you nor his wife are forcing him to do anything. There may be a multitude of reasons but he is doing things the way he wants.

 

My heart breaks for you to be in the pain you are in to get to this point. Does he add value to your life? Do you feel you are a better/happier person from knowing him? Does he love you, and shows he loves you at the level you deserve? If you can construct your perfect relationship is this it? If you answer no to any of those, please focus on you deserving more and work on moving on. I am not sure if you are in or open to therapy but with a hard past that might be a good place to start to work on forgiving yourself, your past, and moving to a happier spot.

 

You need to be your own best advocate, like you would for your best friend. What would you tell this person if she came to you? Please work on loving yourself.

 

((((((rhw))))))))

[woinlove]

RHW - I am sorry you feel the way you do and can understand when emotions take the lead. I wanted to bold the above to reiterate what was posted. Many times the OP and the BS focus on the other man/woman and not at the person who they are in love with. It is easier to do and harder to really see your love in the harsh light of day. As a now past OW I want to guide you to keeping your focus on him. He does not have a gun to his head and is doing everything that he is because he wants to. Neither you nor his wife are forcing him to do anything. There may be a multitude of reasons but he is doing things the way he wants.

 

My heart breaks for you to be in the pain you are in to get to this point. Does he add value to your life? Do you feel you are a better/happier person from knowing him? Does he love you, and shows he loves you at the level you deserve? If you can construct your perfect relationship is this it? If you answer no to any of those, please focus on you deserving more and work on moving on. I am not sure if you are in or open to therapy but with a hard past that might be a good place to start to work on forgiving yourself, your past, and moving to a happier spot.

 

You need to be your own best advocate, like you would for your best friend. What would you tell this person if she came to you? Please work on loving yourself.

 

((((((rhw))))))))

 

I agree with all this advice and wish the OP the best in healing in the aftermath of her A. But the bolded does puzzle me, since as an OW I never once felt anger or hatred toward the BW - she wasn't even fully aware of what was going on, what could I hate her for? And after d-day her reaction seemed expected if unpleasant. I can understand the BS feeling anger if she discovers the betrayal and the OW/OM knew of the spouse, because they knowingly hurt the BS - why shouldn't that make one angry? Typically if the OW/OM was duped into thinking MM/MW was single, there is no anger. That all seems understandable. But why the anger toward the BS and how does one justify it in one's own head? Maybe others that have felt such intense anger (hatred?) for the BW could explain and I could understand the OPs statements better.

 

I ask this, because when I see it displayed so strongly in an OW, as in the case of the OP, I feel it must be something very internal to them which is unhealthy because it is an inappropriate anger. Is it partly them lashing out at themselves as the BW is involved with the same man, so they identify with the BW in that way and it is easier than having anger at themselves. In any case, rhw, I do think there is something there to really learn about yourself about your such intense feelings, maybe hatred, toward the BW that you would wish her a miscarriage and would think you were insulting horses with your description of her appearance. I think counselling could help you sort through the feelings you have of yourself and you could come out in a stronger, healthier place.

[William]

I queued this for a moderator to review and will close it until that review is complete. Reason: multiple reports of guideline violations.