To reply or not to reply ? Ex reaches out

[rhymes]

Similar situation to a lot of you on here, but quick breakdown:

 

Long story short, girlfriend and I split back in March after a five year relationship (she broke up with me). We actually broke up in December, but there were some head games, reconciliation attempts on my part, etc…needless to say it all officially ended in March but we were broken up months before that.

 

She started dating in April about a month after it all ended, I found out, we had it out a bit over text message, saying she wasn’t trying to hurt me and she had been moved on mentally for months, we officially deleted one another off Facebook and haven’t had much contact since then.

 

I went off to Thailand for a month to find myself and meet new women and it worked wonders and I was feeling about 90 % healed when I got back and still am.

 

My ex is good friends with my roommate and so they still occasionally have coffee and catch up. (We all went to university together and they worked together.)

 

Needless to say my name comes into conversation here and there, and the last time they met for a drink, my roommate basically told her how much I was enjoying my life, how much fun I had in Thailand, that I was going out meeting new people, and I was just back to being myself after being depressed for months on end and that was pretty much it.

 

I’ve been no contact with her for about two + months now and had no desire to reach out, until about two weeks ago when she sent me an email. Her email below.

 

Hey ------ I know I probably shouldn't be writing you a message because perhaps that's just how it is (faux pas) and I don't want to mess with anyones feelings cuz that's not my intent. I was just having a heart to heart with a friend the other day and we've just lived through similar situations/breakups and just noticed how f'd up it is that you are such a big part of someones life, the biggest part, and then all of a sudden you aren't at all because all communication gets cut off.

 

So with that, I honestly just wanted to say hi and hope that you are doing well, I'm sure you are. I'm sorry if this msg is ill received and it's obviously not meant to mean anything more than to let you know I still care about how you're doing and prob always will. Just want you to know that and hope you're ok to hear it.

 

Also, if you'd prefer not to ever hear from me again, I understand that too.

My question being, do I go ahead and respond or just forget it and leave her wondering?

 

My response was going to essentially be that I agree it’s pretty F’ed up you just disappear from someone’s life, losing friends and family without ever getting to say goodbye. Basically that she knew the consequences when she broke up with me and what else does she expect? That I valued our relationship, learned a lot of things and am the happiest I’ve been in years, seeing new people and not taking anything for granted. That perhaps one day we could be friends if we were both single and after some more time has passed, but that I still don’t forgive her for a few things during the end of our relationship and may never will. She’s still dating this new guy to my knowledge, so I’m not sure what her motivation is?

 

Did she get scared that she lost her “power” over me and knows that I’m happy now? Is this is sincere attempt to stay on good terms, or is she just trying to clear her conscience to make herself feel better?

 

We were best of friends and still share numerous mutual friends and acquaintances, also we're both 28 if that matters at all.

 

I’m unsure as to whether or not I’ll respond. My friends think that silence speaks volumes and by not responding she won’t get the validation she’s seeking and it will hopefully let her mind run wild as to what I’m up to or who I’m dating. However, if I don't respond now (it's been two weeks since she wrote) then I lose my opportunity to get some things off my chest.

 

I’ve accepted what’s happen and am relatively at peace with the whole situation although there are tinges of pain here and there. Anyway, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks all!

[Dblock10]

hey, so yeah id say its not she got scared of losing power, she is with some one else... she really doesn't care about that.

 

to her, its about keeping you as a friend. you were both big parts of each others lives and she feels it would be nice to be friends. simple as that. and yeah maybe on some small scale it would elevate guilt if she is harbouring any but mainly its to stay on good terms.

 

tbh forget what she wants or how she feels. how do you feel?

 

do you want that? or do you want to break nc and tell her how you have felt or feel. its totally up to you mate.

 

i think the reason she contacted you is because she had a convo with her mate and then reflected deeply on it and realised **** you arent there anymore, it would be nice to not loose him forever type thing.

[ThatJustHappened]

OP, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I believe this is a power play. She just wants to know that you're still there and still pining for her. I would ignore it.

[Standard-Fare]

There could be any number of reasons she's writing you now. Maybe a power trip, like you mentioned. Maybe she's having regrets. Or maybe she genuinely wants to test the waters with a friendship.

 

But since she dumped YOU, and you're finally making progress on getting over her and moving on with your life, you shouldn't feel obligated to give her a response.

 

I agree with your friend who said silence from you will let her mind roam wild. But the intent of that is a little mean, isn't it? You shouldn't get pleasure from playing these sort of vindictive games.

 

If I were you I'd consider sending her something really short and unemotional -- but nice -- that acknowledges that she reached out but doesn't open the door for future confusing contact from her. Something like: "Hey, I agree that it's F-ed up to lose people like that. Life is strange. I'm doing well these days and I hope you are, too." End. And if she pursues things more after that, you have the right to remain silent.

[Dblock10]

There could be any number of reasons she's writing you now. Maybe a power trip, like you mentioned. Maybe she's having regrets. Or maybe she genuinely wants to test the waters with a friendship.

 

But since she dumped YOU, and you're finally making progress on getting over her and moving on with your life, you shouldn't feel obligated to give her a response.

 

I agree with your friend who said silence from you will let her mind roam wild. But the intent of that is a little mean, isn't it? You shouldn't get pleasure from playing these sort of vindictive games.

 

If I were you I'd consider sending her something really short and unemotional -- but nice -- that acknowledges that she reached out but doesn't open the door for future confusing contact from her. Something like: "Hey, I agree that it's F-ed up to lose people like that. Life is strange. I'm doing well these days and I hope you are, too." End. And if she pursues things more after that, you have the right to remain silent.

 

 

screw that, just ignore her. she is the past and she clearly aims to stay well in that area

[jackiki]

heal the 10% left, and you will find out that it does not matter anymore!

 

what do you want from it? it seems that you still trying to play mind games in order to win her back...because for me she was straight forward honest and clear in her email, still:

1) if you really do not want her to contact you, just reply shortly and tell her about that and let it off your chest!

2) if you still feel that you want her back, then keep no contact and ignore the email

3) if you want to keep contact with her as friend, then simply reply and things will flow gently and slowly from there

 

So aside from the mind games, it is straightforward