Update - 3 and half years later

[willowthewisp]

Hi all,

 

Some here will know my story and some won't. Ex of nearly 20 years walked out on our wedding almost 3 and half years ago now. Thought I would update and ask for a bit of support as things are still not going well for me.

 

The good news for those of you just starting out on this rollar coaster is that the day WILL come where you do not have any feelings for your ex at all.

 

That may sound odd but seriously I have no feelings for my ex whatsoever, just total indifference. Due to the way he left me I have no fondness even or even good memories of our time together, but this does not bother me in the slightest. It's strange to be typing this out as I never thought the day would come where I would not care about him or what he was doing and I would not be experiencing pain over him on a daily basis.

 

The bad news is my life is difficult in many other ways.

 

I still cannot afford to move out from living with family and I still have to commute to work, working 13 hour days for minimum wage.

 

I also really want to meet someone but am finding that men do not like me. This is probably the most frustrating and soul destroying part of my situation, most people want to be loved by someone, most people want to have a partner who cares for them, someone to look forward to seeing, someone to trust and talk with etc. I don't have this and do not seem able to find anyone.

 

I have a really hard time getting dates. Sure, every guy I meet wants to go home with me (which I don't as I am not into that) but no one wants to date me. In other words I can get a guys attention in a bar but I cannot meet anyone for dating (internet, book stores, parks etc).

 

I have found that in particular men my age do not like me. It's like a wall comes up when I try and strike a conversation with them.

 

Some of my friends think that I must be doing something wrong as they don't have any trouble and others think it is due to the low educational and employment level in the area in which I live i.e. that I am too educated and professional for the guys round here and that intimidates them.

 

Anyway, I don't know what it is but it's extremely frustrating to have not had a relationship in nearly four years. I'm not sure why I am posting this really, partly to update, partly to let new people here know that some aspects get better and partly to ask for help because I am becoming incresingly low about my whole situation. I try and try and try and nothing works, nothing. Friends keep telling me cliches about how it will happen when I am not looking, when I least expect it....it never does though whether I am looking or not

[karnak]

There's nothing wrong with you.

 

We're living in very futile times. You're not a futile person, so you are having trouble socializing.

 

It's not only happening to you. I know some decent, smart and hansome men who can't find a decent girl because the only kind they find are sluts and gold-diggers.

 

So, you're not alone in this boat.

[2.50 a gallon]

My friend Willow, welcome back!

 

I have been wondering how you are doing?

[tojaz]

Hi Willow, nice to hear an update from you, although I would have preferred better news. Something along the lines of you being deliriously happy would have been much more to my liking.

 

Wish I had some advice on the dating scene, but the more time i spend in it, the more I have to say that I don't like it. Plenty of interest, but has turned out to be mostly interest for the wrong reasons.

 

My friends tell me its because I'm the kind of person that someone really has to get to know, and really wants to know their partner, and that just doesn't seem to be the way things work out there. Maybe its the same for you?

 

Very happy to hear that you are not as haunted by the past as you once were, that is something to be happy for in its own right, the rest will work itself out in time.

 

TOJAZ

[JD1977]

Hello Willow,

I am knee deep in everything right now. So I don't have much advice on the dating front yet. However, I do know that you should never compromise what you deseve just to be in a relationship. I think a lot of woman have a tendency to settle for someone, for the sake of having someone in their lives. You sounds like you have been through the ringer, and you deserve nothing but the best! You're single (temporarily) because you wont allow youreself to settle for anything less than you deserve! Only a woman of courage can do that. I know this is not any wise, all knowing advice, just something to keep in mind.

[the ill-made knight]

I think it is true what you said that most people want a partner in life. I think that's natural and normal. Just don't let it define you, don't let it be the most important thing in your life, and don't let yourself be sad because you aren't in a relationship right now. Focus on you. Enjoy your life even if it's just the small things like a good night out with friends or relaxing in a bubble bath. I'm sure that if you truly want to find someone you will eventually.

[FitChick]

I'd worry more about finding a better job and moving out. It would lift your spirits and prospects immensely.

[karnak]

 

My friends tell me its because I'm the kind of person that someone really has to get to know, and really wants to know their partner, and that just doesn't seem to be the way things work out there. Maybe its the same for you?

 

 

Yep. Nowadays (specially for the younger generations (under 40) relationships are usually focused on quick gratification: sex, money, material pleasure.

[willowthewisp]

There's nothing wrong with you.

 

We're living in very futile times. You're not a futile person, so you are having trouble socializing.

 

It's not only happening to you. I know some decent, smart and hansome men who can't find a decent girl because the only kind they find are sluts and gold-diggers.

 

So, you're not alone in this boat.

 

I agree with this Karnak, I think part of the problem today is that a lot of people do not value long term relationships. A guy I dated recently described it as a "disposable society", for example people update their mobile phones when they get bored of the current one and when they get bored of a relationship or rather the person they update them too. It's as though a lot of people do not know what it means to really love, like they do not have the capacity to truely "feel".

 

Hello Willow,

I am knee deep in everything right now. So I don't have much advice on the dating front yet. However, I do know that you should never compromise what you deseve just to be in a relationship. I think a lot of woman have a tendency to settle for someone, for the sake of having someone in their lives. You sounds like you have been through the ringer, and you deserve nothing but the best! You're single (temporarily) because you wont allow youreself to settle for anything less than you deserve! Only a woman of courage can do that. I know this is not any wise, all knowing advice, just something to keep in mind.

 

This is part of it too JD. I have dated a few guys, some didn't want to see me after the first date and a couple I have ended things after date 5/6 because the way I was being treated wasn't good. The most recent guy I went out with made "jokes" about raping me, burning my possessions and laughing at me, swore at me and lost his temper at an old man in a queue. Whilst I know he was joking I failed to see the humour in these comments and he also seemed to have quite a temper and was very immature given he is in his 30's.

 

The guy I dated before him is a nice guy and we remain on good terms but by his own admission he has commitment problems and I have been there, done that and got the scares to prove it...never again.

 

I'd worry more about finding a better job and moving out. It would lift your spirits and prospects immensely.

 

Working on this too Fitchick, all the time! Cannot create a job where there is none, nor demand an employer take me over someone else. Would be noce to have a boyfriend though at least that would be something to enjoy right now and give my life and constant struggles some light relief!

 

Thank you everyone for your responses, helps to know people care enough to respond to me.

[Minnie09]

What abou moving to an area / bigger city WITH better job prospects?

You have good education, and should therefore be able to find better employment where it is available. Then you can solve the living-with-family- problem also, because you'll have to, and you will be able to afford a better lifestyle, make new friends, and basically "start over".

You'll be busy establishing yourself in a new private and business setting, that'll keep you busy and will lift your spirits. You have nothing to lose. You'll be so fucused on making these wonderful exciting changes that you'll be a happier, self-confident person immediately. What holds you back?

I'm not saying, btw, that you should do it tomorrow. Just take your time, do research, enjoy the preparation work, have interviews, go apartment shopping, and then try it. You can always come back later!

[willowthewisp]

What abou moving to an area / bigger city WITH better job prospects?

You have good education, and should therefore be able to find better employment where it is available. Then you can solve the living-with-family- problem also, because you'll have to, and you will be able to afford a better lifestyle, make new friends, and basically "start over".

You'll be busy establishing yourself in a new private and business setting, that'll keep you busy and will lift your spirits. You have nothing to lose. You'll be so fucused on making these wonderful exciting changes that you'll be a happier, self-confident person immediately. What holds you back?

I'm not saying, btw, that you should do it tomorrow. Just take your time, do research, enjoy the preparation work, have interviews, go apartment shopping, and then try it. You can always come back later!

 

Thanks Minnie, I am looking all over the counrty at larger cities, anywhere where jobs are advertised. What prevents me is the following:

 

1) The larger law firms take people who have law degrees from Oxford, Cambridge and other high class red brick universities, which I do not have.

 

2) My age. Many larger firms want younger graduates that they can mould into the type of lawyer they want and percieve the older candidate as "set in their ways".

 

3) The smaller firms in larger cities only pay minimum wage which is not enough to live on (even in shared accomodation) in the city. So unless you can live with family (like my current job and situation) you cannot afford to live there or within commute distance.

 

4) For every job I apply for there are 800 - 1000 applications, competition is fierce and my current role is legal so I am gaining experience all the time to offer on my applications.

 

Trust me I am trying all the time to better my situation, job, finances, living situation and boyfriend. I do not sit on my laurels, I am out there looking on all fronts but I feel stagnated, nothing is happening, that is why I am getting so low.

[karnak]

I agree with this Karnak, I think part of the problem today is that a lot of people do not value long term relationships. A guy I dated recently described it as a "disposable society", for example people update their mobile phones when they get bored of the current one and when they get bored of a relationship or rather the person they update them too. It's as though a lot of people do not know what it means to really love, like they do not have the capacity to truely "feel".

 

Right on the spot!

 

 

Don't worry. Take your time. Enjoy life as possible. Take profit of all the good things that come your way.

 

When the right time comes for a man, and when a decent guy picks your attention, go for it.

[Kelemvor]

Use online dating. Match for example... I've got a busy schedule and have never had problems getting an initial date or asking girls out but I reached a point where I moved to a new place a few years back and didn't even have time to "get out" and meet people. I thought I would find a bunch of strange people on there but you'd be surprised how normal most of them are. Plus, it's a huge time saver. You already know what they like or don't like, know what they look like, know all types of things that give you a general indication of compatibility. Then you might call them and see if you "click" on the phone before even wasting time or money to even go on a date. I remember calling a couple of people and going "meh... didn't really feel a connection there", and then finally picked someone to actually go on a date with. We dated 1.5 years. The relationship wasn't perfect by any means but we had some fun times. I'd do it again if I were single. Try it out. You can wade through more guys that way at a more rapid pace and filter as necessary.

[Gunny376]

I resisted the whole dating / mating thing for the last twenty - two years. Relationships are easy to get into, but can be difficult to maintain ~ and even harder to get out of? Per the investment of time, effort, energy and yes even money? Its just not worth it, IMHO.

 

Speaking from the male side of the road? There are just way too many that I disqualify out of hand for one reason and or the other. Outright most just aren't my educational / intellectual equal. I mean having sex with a Hot Babe X 10 is great? But even that can get old, boring, and dull. Show me the hottest woman in the world and I can show you at least one man who's not only tired of sleeping with her? But is up to his eyeballs with her BS and drama. For some reason a lot of really hot women ~ attractive women think that they've got ca rte' blanch to be a B*****! 24/7. You've got your Prozac women, your "I'll marry the first guy that comes along" woman; your outright crazy woman; you'll find a lot of women that are looking for an early retirement plan ~ meal ticket ~ payday.

 

It took Mrs Gunny the better part of the last ten years to finally convince me that she was the one that was right for me. And she wasn't direct about it, just really, really patient. And it wasn't that there wasn't anything I objected to her about? It was just that I didn't want to be in any kind of relationship with anyone.

 

I needed time to get my head out of my azz, get my head and azz wired backed together, get my act together (I'm still working on it ~ its a work in progress)

 

The lying, cheating, whoring, two-timing, manipulating, _________________(fill in the blank) XHEX that I was married to threw me for a loop; then retiring out of the Marine Corps and getting back out here in civilian la~la land, (Everyone is seems disorganized, freaking clueless, selfish, self-centered, screaming and shouting and running around in circles) Then all of the mental/emotional issues from my career came home to roost BIG TIME ~ PTSD, Delayed Stress Syndrone, Survivors Guilt, having been "institutionalized" Which I of course handled appropriately by self medicating with alcohol.

 

I told Mrs Gunny that I was "Damaged Goods" but she didn't care. She wanted "ME!" Why I don't know ~ and still don't know? Somethings you just don't look too closely at. For the better part of our relationship we've had a Long Distance Relationship ~ talking over the telephone at least once a day, sometimes twice or more ~ for the last nine years!

 

Unbeknownst to me at the time? We were laying a rock solid foundation of true friendship, comradery, mental and emotional support.

 

About two years ago during the Spring, while living alone in my apartment my potassium level fell out ~ and I feel out across my dining room table, breaking my femur bone in my leg. I had literally fallen and couldn't get up, couldn't reach the phone. I was dehydrated, malnourished, and delirious. I laid there for about five days. She kept raising cane and Hell with the local Police Department until they finally came out and knocked on my door. I just happen to be conscious enough to be able to respond. I was all over the place from seeing snakes, to trying to pull woolly spiders, (Think the multi tentacle 'machines' from the final "Matrix" Movie out of the palm of my hands) to being back in the Marines and "Back In Saigon"

 

I was out of work at the time, and looking for a job ~ any job. You would think otherwise ~ but a college business degree and twenty plus years in the Marines actually works against you around here. I came here to complete my degree in business administration ~ finance. Got stuck here.

 

The town that I live in is a college town ~ and its also like a black hole. It sucks you in and its hard to get out of. Anyone that's been to college knows that they try and suck every dime they can out of you before you get that little piece of paper ~ another pretty piece of paper to hang on your wall. I know LOTS of people that have one or more college degrees that are working jobs that they could have gotten without having gone to college. Just because you've got a college degree does NOT mean your Happy Azz is going to find a good and decent job. But like General William Sherman said, "I would rather be an educated poor man ~ than an un-educated rich man!"

 

Getting a job in and around here for fifty to hundred miles around has a lot to do with nepocracy ~ where relatives and friends get hired first ~ aka "Its not what you know ~ but who you know!" Or related to. Or which family your married into?

 

The job I have now and the place I work at is a freaking joke! The people in charge that run the place are a joke. The couldn't manage to lead a bunch of starving Cub Scouts across the street to a McDonald's givng away free Happy Meals after having been lost in the woods for a month! It only pays $8.90 and hour. The way you make money there is by working bookoo over-time. The nine months I've been there I've been threatened to be written up as a member of our so-called team more times than any and all the other places I've ever worked! ("Do you want to borrow my pen? :lmao: )

 

That's it! They threaten to "Write me Up!" ~ I mean your not going to use harsh language or anything? Your not going to shave my head and send me to Marine Recruit Training and have people scream, shout at me and question my parentage? Your not going to make me do twenty years in the Marine Corps, sleep on the ground, in the rain, the cold, the heat, the desert, with camel spiders, mosquitoes, gnats, fleas, ticks? Your not going to shoot bullets at me? Drop mortar and artilry rounds on me?

 

Its all reltative thinking. Its all about attitude and how you think and preceive things. You can see the glass as half empty ~ half full ~ or you can get off your happy azz and get busy improvsing, adpating, and over-coming ~ figuring out ~ "How am I going to fill this glass up?

 

Finding someone who loves you ~ and I mean really freaking loves you? That's really, really hard!

 

And when you do? Don't screw it up!

 

I found that with Mrs. Gunny, she understands me, (OK well she works really, really hard at it! )

 

Times are hard and the money's tight! Day to day we fight that fight. But we've got more than most, and in so long as we've got each other? We'll survive and our Love will go on forever! Its the little things that mean a lot!

 

I also really want to meet someone but am finding that men do not like me. This is probably the most frustrating and soul destroying part of my situation, most people want to be loved by someone, most people want to have a partner who cares for them, someone to look forward to seeing, someone to trust and talk with etc. I don't have this and do not seem able to find anyone.

 

I meet Mrs Gunny on a Marine forum, on-line. I wasn't looking for a GF, a wife, yada~yada. It just grew from there. She's got my 'back' in big ways, small ways, all ways. I think you would just a soon try and shave a Bobcat with a rusty razor and give em' a bath in rubbing alcohol than to mess with me or 'our' children or grandchildren! (It would be a whole lot easier! )

 

Our relationship isn't based ~ founded upon sex, infatuation, etc. But upon friendship, being friends, being each other's best friend, trust, caring, honesty, supporting one another, having each others "back" looking out for one another, being there for one another, sharing the highs and lows, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Being strong for one another. Talking, communicating, expressing, solidarity.

 

Its based upon this ~ One Man Loving One Woman!

 

Consciously, deliberately, intentionally, wholeheartedly.

 

Although I've known her for the last ten years, spoke with her daily on the phone, exhanged mail etc?

 

I never laid eyes on her until two months ago!!!

[willowthewisp]

Use online dating. Match for example... I've got a busy schedule and have never had problems getting an initial date or asking girls out but I reached a point where I moved to a new place a few years back and didn't even have time to "get out" and meet people. I thought I would find a bunch of strange people on there but you'd be surprised how normal most of them are. Plus, it's a huge time saver. You already know what they like or don't like, know what they look like, know all types of things that give you a general indication of compatibility. Then you might call them and see if you "click" on the phone before even wasting time or money to even go on a date. I remember calling a couple of people and going "meh... didn't really feel a connection there", and then finally picked someone to actually go on a date with. We dated 1.5 years. The relationship wasn't perfect by any means but we had some fun times. I'd do it again if I were single. Try it out. You can wade through more guys that way at a more rapid pace and filter as necessary.

 

Already have/am still doing the online dating.

 

So far I have met a bunch of nutters in the literal sense and guys wanting hook ups not relationships.

 

I've tried lots of different sites.

[willowthewisp]

you know there`s a `can` in `can`t / cannot` don`t you???

 

How do you think this is helpful?

 

I am not sitting waiting for stuff to happen to me! I am proactive about all the aspects of my life that I want to improve.

 

Work wise, I go to networking events, I mail shot, I use contacts to try and gain an advantage and an interview, I am not dumb!

 

Date wise, I used to try and catch a guys attention and hope he would approach me. That lasted, oh all of about 3 months, when I realised if I really want to meet someone I have to be much more proactive. So I researched, flirting, socail skills, realtionship skills, what a guy wants, what he needs, how to approach men.

 

I do approach guys all the time, EVERYWHERE, not just bars. Bars are easier I admit because it is more socailly acceptable, a little drink helps with any nerves I may have and lessens any brutal rejections, which thankfully does not happen often. The trouble is I can "pull" but not for dating i.e. they only want a hook up (which they don't get because I am not into that). The only guys that ever approach me are in their early 20's and they think I am mid 20's which I am not I am mid 30's. Guys my age never approach me.

 

The last guy I dated I was proactive and he told me he was shocked that i asked for his number etc but that he liked it. I don't know, men of loveshack, you tell me does it put you off if a women approaches you and compliments you to start up a conversation?

Edited August 29, 2012 by willowthewisp

[tojaz]

I meet Mrs Gunny on a Marine forum, on-line. I wasn't looking for a GF, a wife, yada~yada. It just grew from there. She's got my 'back' in big ways, small ways, all ways. I think you would just a soon try and shave a Bobcat with a rusty razor and give em' a bath in rubbing alcohol than to mess with me or 'our' children or grandchildren! (It would be a whole lot easier! )

 

Our relationship isn't based ~ founded upon sex, infatuation, etc. But upon friendship, being friends, being each other's best friend, trust, caring, honesty, supporting one another, having each others "back" looking out for one another, being there for one another, sharing the highs and lows, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Being strong for one another. Talking, communicating, expressing, solidarity.

 

Its based upon this ~ One Man Loving One Woman!

 

Consciously, deliberately, intentionally, wholeheartedly.

 

Sounds like you found a good one Guns, congratulations.

 

Trust me I am trying all the time to better my situation, job, finances, living situation and boyfriend. I do not sit on my laurels, I am out there looking on all fronts but I feel stagnated, nothing is happening, that is why I am getting so low.

 

Willow, I think an important part is to stay positive and while not sitting on your laurels, give yourself the opportunity to enjoy all that you have accomplished. You have a lot to be proud of, even if you feel there is still a lot more to do.

 

So often people turn to focusing on what they are missing rather then looking at all that they have. Its the "When I get to this level at work I'll be happy" "When I can afford this that and the other, I'll be happy" "When I meet Mr./Mrs. right I'll finally be happy" I was one of those for a long time, and i still catch myself thinking like that from time to time.

 

A person who is always working towards the next thing never really gets a chance to stop and enjoy how far they've come. Set aside some time to just be happy being Willow. Let it refresh you, all the rest will still be there.

 

Goals are important, meeting the right person is important, but its not everything, unless you let it be.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Our relationship isn't based ~ founded upon sex, infatuation, etc. But upon friendship, being friends, being each other's best friend, trust, caring, honesty, supporting one another, having each others "back" looking out for one another, being there for one another, sharing the highs and lows, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Being strong for one another. Talking, communicating, expressing, solidarity.

 

Its based upon this ~ One Man Loving One Woman!

 

Consciously, deliberately, intentionally, wholeheartedly.

 

 

Gunny - that post speaks volumes about how a relationship is supposed to be and with cheating ex's under my hat who remember what they had at one time, I embark on a new life to hope that there is one man loving one woman. I still have walls, I learned after too many hurts not to let them down until the right person comes along.

 

I am not sitting waiting for stuff to happen to me! I am proactive about all the aspects of my life that I want to improve.

 

Hi Willow - I applaud this part of your post. I won't say that it's about goals, it's more about moving forward with your life and finding someone who shares that vision. Getting to know someone, that takes a lot of time, there's nothing wrong with taking things slow....I've been doing that for over a year now with a very patient man because he does care about my feelings.

 

Men in bars...looking for instant gratification most times. I've known a few couples who met that way (one that sticks out, they are professional dance partners now..well for over five years now), but they had something in common. That is the gist of it...finding something in common. Perhaps finding that is in the places that really mean something to you and not the common places?

[Gunny376]

What I am about to say sounds an awlful lot like, "You'll find someone or the right Someone when your not looking!" But its not.

 

Finding someone in a bar to me is and has always been a really, really bad idea. Dark dim lights, alcohol, yada ~ yada. I've never went home ~ not even once with an ugly woman from a bar! But I've sure as Hell have woke up with more than one the next day! :p Went home with a Ten at Two and woke up with a Two at Ten!

 

Dating someone you meet in a bar is generally a really bad idea. If you meet them in a bar? You'll more than likely lose them in one.

 

Dating someone you meet at work? Another really bad idea. Even dogs know better than to crap where they eat?

 

What I would suggest you do (The OP) is to just go about really living your life, enjoying your life, enjoying being single, and getting comfortable in your own skin. You should want someone that compliments you and your lifestyle, intrests, likes ~ dislikes.

 

Reading books and such about what men want, like, how to attract them yada ~ yada. Well men like women are like snowflakes. Yea they're all the same because they're snowflakes ~ but each one is individual and unique.

 

But to that end ~ you might want to read:

 

"Gurrellia Daiting Tctics ~ Strategies, Tips, And Secrets For Finding Romance" by Sharyb Wolf ~ ISBN 0-452-28011-7 along with "The Art of Living Single" and "Light His Fire" by Helen Kriedman (?)

 

The man your looking for is probally eight to ten years younger than you. This is because typically men are about ten years emotionally less mature than women their own age. My best relationships have been with women that are about five to ten years younger than I. (Mrs Gunny is five years younger than I ~ we get along great on most any and all levels)

 

He is also probally your polar oppossite. Read "Light His Fire (For women) and "Light Her Fire (For men) to understand why. So you may want to "re-define" what your looking for. Your lookng for someone who compliments to as an individual, a person. Who brings strengths, talents, skills to the relationship that you don't have ~ and you have for him that he doesn't have. I quite often surprise Mrs Gunny by things that I know about ~ but she more often than not leaves me in awe with what she brings to our relationship.

 

If you really think about it I bet that you can think of more than one or two successful couples ~ that upon apperance don't seem to match. Why would you want to be with someone who is just like you? That can get boring quick, fast and in a hurry like.

[willowthewisp]

If anyone has any tips on how to resign oneself to being single permantly and truely being happy and at peace with it, I would be really grateful?

 

At this point, I have come to realise that I am just not what a guy desires in a mate and that I HAVE to accept this and learn to live with it as there is nothing more I can do to change my situation.

 

How do I learn to live with this?

Edited August 31, 2012 by willowthewisp

[karnak]

First you have to really learn to live with yourself and love yourself.

[willowthewisp]

First you have to really learn to live with yourself and love yourself.

 

I know and I already do! Dealt with all the low self esteem issues in counselling after the ex wiped his feet all over me.

 

That's not what I meant, I have a very full life that I enjoy living. I don't sit around pinning for a man to come into my life.

 

What I meant is how do I come to to terms with the fact that I will NEVER have a partner, never have love, never have affection or sex again?

 

Like I said most people want someone, doesn't mean they aren't whole alone, it's just natural to want a partner, someone to cuddle with, hold hands with, talk with, eat dinner with...sheesh when people say stuff like this it makes me feel that I am being judged as not being a whole, self sufficent person because I desire a natural human connection with someone else.

 

I guess what I am asking is if anyone knows how I stop desiring the natural desire that I have?

[karnak]

I know and I already do! Dealt with all the low self esteem issues in counselling after the ex wiped his feet all over me.

 

That's not what I meant, I have a very full life that I enjoy living. I don't sit around pinning for a man to come into my life.

 

What I meant is how do I come to to terms with the fact that I will NEVER have a partner, never have love, never have affection or sex again?

 

Like I said most people want someone, doesn't mean they aren't whole alone, it's just natural to want a partner, someone to cuddle with, hold hands with, talk with, eat dinner with...sheesh when people say stuff like this it makes me feel that I am being judged as not being a whole, self sufficent person because I desire a natural human connection with someone else.

 

I guess what I am asking is if anyone knows how I stop desiring the natural desire that I have?

 

Sorry, but your reasoning isn't logic.

 

Unless you're some sort of psychic you don't know what the future holds for you. So you have no authority to claim you won't find another person in the future.

 

Your argument appears to be a desperate one.

 

Sorry for what I'm about to say (as I suspect you'll feel offended by it), but your story reminds me of something that happened with a woman friend of mine.

She too was desperate because she felt she couldn't find a decent guy who would love her and cherish her. She was starting to fall into a depression and question everything about her (she's a very beautiful and intelligent lady, by the way).

 

Noticing her distress, I started to become more intimate with her and we started having sex. Well, that fortunately gave her the ego boost she needed. She started to feel sexy and desirable again.

 

Guess what: some time later she found a decent guy, whom she's dating now. A real decent gentleman.

 

Guess all it took was a little self-confidence and a proof that she still "had the goods".

[willowthewisp]

Sorry, but your reasoning isn't logic.

 

Unless you're some sort of psychic you don't know what the future holds for you. So you have no authority to claim you won't find another person in the future.

 

Your argument appears to be a desperate one.

 

Sorry for what I'm about to say (as I suspect you'll feel offended by it), but your story reminds me of something that happened with a woman friend of mine.

She too was desperate because she felt she couldn't find a decent guy who would love her and cherish her. She was starting to fall into a depression and question everything about her (she's a very beautiful and intelligent lady, by the way).

 

Noticing her distress, I started to become more intimate with her and we started having sex. Well, that fortunately gave her the ego boost she needed. She started to feel sexy and desirable again.

 

Guess what: some time later she found a decent guy, whom she's dating now. A real decent gentleman.

 

Guess all it took was a little self-confidence and a proof that she still "had the goods".

 

 

Karnak, I don't have any trouble attracting men who want to sleep with me, THAT is the problem! lol

 

I do not equate my self worth with a guy wanting to have sex me like your friend did. In fact for me, asking me for casual sex is a great insult! That is the problem, I cannot find a guy who wants more than casual sex.

 

My post is not borne out of desperation. I know I will not meet anyone in the future because I am making the conscious decision to remove myself from the dating market. Why? Because to honest I just cannot keep being treated like a piece of meat by men. I do not want to part of a dating scene where people go home together for a one night stand or sleep with someone they do not know on a third date. I want more for myself than that. I just do not fit into today's society and culture of quick gratification and messed up logic of sex = worth.

 

If I appear desperate and low it is because I am low, I am low because I know that the only way I can stop being hurt over an over by the type of men in today's dating market, is to stop looking and that means I have to find a way to NOT want a relationship anymore, to not desire one.

[karnak]

Ok, you got the point.

 

Well, if you have no faith in the future, then no-one here will be able to offer it for you. Faith and hope is something that comes from inside everyone.

 

Besides, I don't think there's any kind of advice anyone here will be able to give you. The best thing to do is just...

 

keep on living and see what happens.