GorillaTheater Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 He told me!!!! And why would he lie, right? 8
LadyElaine Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 I got a 20 page justification of the A and a "well he had all these problems, I tried to help now I hand him to you" rubbish. No apology. It wasn't even sent to me but to H. I would like to know she is suffering remorse as well as the loss of her family, job and reputation, but for now I'm content with the last 3. 2
j'adore Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I mean he told me that he is still lying to her, now why would he lie about that!!!
mercy Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 And why would he lie, right? :laugh::D:D Thank you for the giggle!
mercy Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I mean he told me that he is still lying to her' date=' now why would he lie about that!!![/quote'] He needs to keep you in the dark and her in the dark. Problem solved.
Athena Posted September 1, 2012 Posted September 1, 2012 I got an apology from OW #8 (the one H fell in love with)... a year after their A ended I called her up to see what, if anything, she would say, and she IMMEDIATELY asked me to forgive her! I said No. Then she wept and said sorry, and that she fell in love with my H and she needed me to forgive her.... I then said I forgave her, and that was that. She was getting married in a couple of months (to my H's friend) and I guess she needed that to move on. The emphasis was not on the apology, her emphasis was on being forgiven... I forgave her.
LadyElaine Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 (edited) What would an apology do? Would it be beneficial? Most who have received one said it did not matter or that they felt it was empty and devoid of sincerity and others appear to have been truly offended by it. Which means, even if someone was sorry, it would not be taken that way. It would make me feel better to know she suffers remorse bit just seeing herself as my victim (haha!) because I exposed her and her H and her boss both sacked her in a day. It made me feel not as good but still better than not having it to get her non apology because she showed her immorality and lack of character so clearly that I felt she had basically paraded her inferiority. Fwiw I don't think ow of her type are capable of sincerity, she couldn't lie straight in bed with anyone, knowing what I now know of her serial cheating past. Edited September 4, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
MammaMia Posted September 2, 2012 Posted September 2, 2012 An apology? From this pitiful excuse of a human being? it will never come. I think she takes pride in knowing she had my H's attention behind my back. She is still antagonizing me , as recently as 4 months ago. But I give her nothing anymore. I ignore the bitch and I know this is killing her inside. Hopefully someday when she realize she doesn't get to me anymore, she will look elsewhere for her cheap thrills.
cocorico Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 What would an apology do? It would mean that they accepted their responsibility in the affair and realized that they hurt at least one other person. It is perfectly possible to accept one's responsibility and to acknowledge that the BS got hurt without feeling sorry (or thus apologising).
woinlove Posted September 3, 2012 Posted September 3, 2012 It is perfectly possible to accept one's responsibility and to acknowledge that the BS got hurt without feeling sorry (or thus apologising). Of course one can not apologize and feel whatever. If one doesn't care about other people getting hurt, one would obviously not feel sorry. But I think the point being made is that one does not give a sincere apology to the BS without accepting one's responsibility, acknowledging that the BS was hurt and one's role in that. So the statement by lmg holds. 2
losingmyground Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 I am an OW and my love affair was NOTHING TO do with BS. It would not have been an affair if there was a BS. So guess what, it had something to do with the BS. i DO NOT owe her an apology as i thought she knew and just did not care. That is because you got yourself involved with a MM. If you had made that a deal breaker or bothered to ask you might have known differently. So yes you do owe her an apology. Until you see processed and signed divorce papers, he is off limits. HER H owes her an apology. Damn right he does. And guess what....I got it. My involvement is nothing to do with how i felt about her at all. I actually like her. Then I would like to know what you would do to someone you hate. I just think I could never be her in her situation. That is so right on the money...because a woman like you cannot make a true connection with an available man. Commitment is not even a word in your vocabulary. She has no intimacy with her H, I know that, do not doubt it. Are you in their bed every night? Until you are, you don't know a thing about their relationship. Only the lies that he tells you to keep you going back. I am angry that i got myself in to this situation but i would not apologise for something I do not do intentionally. I do not doubt that you had the best of intentions. Assuming he lied and said he was not married. Once you found out he was married and stayed....you hurt her and yourself intentionally. It is her H's fault NOT MINE. Sorry to tell you, but it is 100/50. 100% his fault, then 50% your fault. You took part in a sham. And her fault for not seeing or wanting to see what was happening. Majority of MW have a job and take care of the house. We don't have time to worry about some backstabbing OW creeping up on our house. But guess what, our eyes are wide open now. And apparently still this continues after d dAY. He told me!!!! And I am sure he is 100% honest with you. Just like they are 100% honest with their wives. Open your eyes, just like I did mine. Then take the time to say you are sorry with meaning. 2
losingmyground Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 it is perfectly possible to accept one's responsibility and to acknowledge that the BS got hurt without feeling sorry (or thus apologising). I do not know how to respond to you. Except that alchololics and drug abuse have to make amends and apologize to those they hurt within the 12 steps. But you are right, I guess you would have to accept that you have a problem before you could do that. 3
frozensprouts Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 when you think about it, would an apology mean anything if it was given by someone who really can not fathom what as happened and what their actions and choices have helped contribute to? There are several other men/women on here from whom I think an apology would mean a great deal...there is true remorse. They feel bad that someone was hurt...if their apology came from a place of understanding and was heartfelt, I would gladly accept it. There are those from whom an apology would mean absolutely nothing, as there is no empathy and little ability to understand the pain their actions contributed to...would I want an apology from someone like that? NO, as it would be meaningless. The same is true for an apology from someone who was only seeking to appease their own sense of guilt. If that is why one apologizes, then again, it is hollow, and not something I would ever want. One thing to note...an apology doesn't always mean that one is taking 100% of the responsibility for hurting someone else...but it does acknowledge that they did, in fact, play a role. 1
freestyle Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 when you think about it, would an apology mean anything if it was given by someone who really can not fathom what as happened and what their actions and choices have helped contribute to? There are several other men/women on here from whom I think an apology would mean a great deal...there is true remorse. They feel bad that someone was hurt...if their apology came from a place of understanding and was heartfelt, I would gladly accept it. There are those from whom an apology would mean absolutely nothing, as there is no empathy and little ability to understand the pain their actions contributed to...would I want an apology from someone like that? NO, as it would be meaningless. The same is true for an apology from someone who was only seeking to appease their own sense of guilt. If that is why one apologizes, then again, it is hollow, and not something I would ever want. One thing to note...an apology doesn't always mean that one is taking 100% of the responsibility for hurting someone else...but it does acknowledge that they did, in fact, play a role. Well said, FS. You just described the difference between a true apology, and a fauxpology. Fauxpologies just add insult to injury, IMO.
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) I am an OW and my love affair was NOTHING TO do with BS. i DO NOT owe her an apology as i thought she knew and just did not care. HER H owes her an apology. My involvement is nothing to do with how i felt about her at all. I actually like her. I just think I could never be her in her situation. She has no intimacy with her H' date=' I know that, do not doubt it. I am angry that i got myself in to this situation but i would not apologise for something I do not do intentionally. It is her H's fault NOT MINE. And her fault for not seeing or wanting to see what was happening. And apparently still this continues after d dAY. He told me!!!![/quote'] It is NOT the BS' fault for trusting their spouse. That is the #1 reason affairs often continue so long without being caught. It's not because the BS is stupid or doesn't care it's because they *love* and *trust* the WS. And like has already been pointed out, WSs lie. Mine certainly did, to *everyone* involved, yes that means you were lied to. You have no idea what intimacy they had. He lied to her about you, what makes you think it wouldn't go in reverse. You were just the thing on the side. You can't apologize for something you didn't do intentionally? So if you accidentally killed someone in your car, you wouldn't apologize to their family, or to them if you only maimed them? What you did is equally as bad as running someone over in a car and maiming them. And when you found out he was married...the continuation wasn't deliberate? Edited September 4, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband 3
Author NotCamelot Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 Well, since starting this thread, and reading all the opinions........I sent off an email to the OM outlining why I thought he owes me an apology. The basis of the reason is: his W was in an A and he knew all about it....so he contacted my W ( they were in short relationshiop 23 yrs ago ), he knew my W was married to me. Now I know it could not happen without my W being a willing partner.......BUT, since he knew she was married and currently hurting over his wife in an A, wouldn't a decent guy find a single woman to engage in a revenge A??? Of course, common sense and decency really don't enter into this type thing at all, right?? So, for the moment, I will see if I get a response of any kind......I bet not!
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 (edited) Well, since starting this thread, and reading all the opinions........I sent off an email to the OM outlining why I thought he owes me an apology. The basis of the reason is: his W was in an A and he knew all about it....so he contacted my W ( they were in short relationshiop 23 yrs ago ), he knew my W was married to me. Now I know it could not happen without my W being a willing partner.......BUT, since he knew she was married and currently hurting over his wife in an A, wouldn't a decent guy find a single woman to engage in a revenge A??? Of course, common sense and decency really don't enter into this type thing at all, right?? So, for the moment, I will see if I get a response of any kind......I bet not! Yeah I wouldn't hold my breath. I think asking for one could just make them more firm in not giving it tbh. Sad but probably true. I got my apology when I sent email telling him my resolve to not tell his wife was cracking. I was asking him to spill the beans. I had also previously asked for his version of the story. I dunno, you might get it if you were very nice It's hard to do that. You've seen some of the OW attitudes on here......"I won't apologize for something I didn't do intentionally." Whatever excuse makes them feel justified in not having to mentally lower themselves to where they actually are (slithering on the ground) Edited September 4, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband
Summer Breeze Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I wanted one apology when I was a BS--from my xH. I wanted just 1 apology that was heartfelt enough to make it all go away. I wanted him to somehow muster up the words that made what he did disappear or at the very least understandable. I wanted something that could justify to me what he did and the hurt he caused. There were apologies about how weak and wrong he was but it didn't take me long to realize that for me there is no apology or action big enough to make that right. The one that mattered and that I needed didn't exist. 1
Summer Breeze Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) And you helped another man do that to another woman. I don't believe anyone who says they were devastated as a BS if they go on to do it to someone else. It is disingenuous. And that is absolutely your choice to feel that way as it is mine to have blamed no one but the WS for the A. As I did when it was my own H betraying me. Edited September 5, 2012 by Summer Breeze 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Can someone tell me how you have an affair accidentally? I mean how is it not deliberate? I think the story is that she didn't know he was married at first and found out later. So at first it truly was an accident on her part, but after she found out (and I'm not 100%sure of what happened really)...continuation would definitely be deliberate in my book, not an accident.
SoMovinOn Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Can someone tell me how you have an affair accidentally? I mean how is it not deliberate? Taken completely literally, you're right, it doesn't happen. People in A's have to choose to be involved. More likely, when most people say this, what they mean is that they did not seek to have an A, it wasn't their intention, initially, to be involved in an A, possible, as the friendship developed into an R, they didn't really see where it was heading, etc. There is an incorrect analogy for this type of thing - it is said if you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump right back out, but if you put the frog in cool water and heat it up, he will stay there and die. (it's not true, in the latter case, the frog would jump out when the water got too warm) The point of the analogy though, is to say that something that comes at you a little a time can often go unnoticed until it's too late. It happens with A's and all manner of other things in life as well.
waterwoman Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Anatomy of an Affair - Accidental Affairs - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates This explains accidental affairs. For what it's worth I think this is what H did.
SomedayDig Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I got kind of an apology when I threatened his life on the phone on Dday. Then he begged me not to tell his wife cuz he had a family. He begged me 3 times not to tell. That was kind of a great apology to me. Too bad I told his wife anyway. She left him and according to sources is taking him for everything he's got. Hmmm...going from living in a $600k home to a motel. Giggle. Apology accepted. 8
Author NotCamelot Posted September 6, 2012 Author Posted September 6, 2012 I got kind of an apology when I threatened his life on the phone on Dday. Then he begged me not to tell his wife cuz he had a family. He begged me 3 times not to tell. That was kind of a great apology to me. Too bad I told his wife anyway. She left him and according to sources is taking him for everything he's got. Hmmm...going from living in a $600k home to a motel. Giggle. Apology accepted. Even though it may be "morally" wrong to be happy about that........GOOD FOR YOU! ;)Upgrade for him....$600k house to a mulit-million dollar hotel!! 1
Author NotCamelot Posted September 7, 2012 Author Posted September 7, 2012 I did get the apology this morning. In a really long email. He answered a few things, very few actually. But, several times tells me he regrets what he did to me. "Anyway I do regret the pain this has caused you. And I am sorry for what I have done." "I am sorry for what I have done and ask for your forgiveness." And now that I have this, I don't know that I care. It makes me feel like he wants me to make him feel better. I don't think he deserves it. I know that forgiveness is more the forgiver. So do I offer forgiveness, relieving him, for me?
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