Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Thatone, would if she didn't blow up but expressed some concerns about both situations and honesty addressed them with you? Would you have dumped her? I don't think there would be a reason for someone to "blow up" at you for these two situations but I do think and understand why both of these situations would cause some concern on a gf's part. You sound like you don't allow any room for her feelings if they aren't the perfect happy ones you want them to be. but I could be wrong. I am curious how you would have delt with the situations if she expressed concerns, not by blowing up but by approaching you about it calmly and wanted to talk to you about them?
thatone Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 (edited) Thatone, would if she didn't blow up but expressed some concerns about both situations and honesty addressed them with you? Would you have dumped her? I don't think there would be a reason for someone to "blow up" at you for these two situations but I do think and understand why both of these situations would cause some concern on a gf's part. You sound like you don't allow any room for her feelings if they aren't the perfect happy ones you want them to be. but I could be wrong. I am curious how you would have delt with the situations if she expressed concerns, not by blowing up but by approaching you about it calmly and wanted to talk to you about them? yeah there was some concern, to which i responded "look, i don't lie about what i do. i don't have a reason to hide anything" and she accepted that. she also has male friends who used to be dating friends of hers but aren't anymore, pretty typical situations like that. and i don't have the least bit of jealousy about those either. it's just as much of a compatibility test, really, that's how i see it. i take people at their word until evidence proves they don't deserve that trust. if she could do the same we have that in common, if not we probably wouldn't get along. Edited September 25, 2012 by thatone 1
LittlePrince Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 How many have you get jealous for something small? If you're significant other was talking to someone of the opposite gender, do you get jealous? If they're texting someone of the opposite gender do you get jealous? Why or why not? You can't stop an emotion. It is there whether you like it or not.
thatone Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You can't stop an emotion. It is there whether you like it or not. the question is whether you can control it without making the other person miserable. at least that's the question from a man's point of view. that's a peeve and a red flag. i will not have my life affected even in the slightest by a woman's unfounded insecurity.
LittlePrince Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 the question is whether you can control it without making the other person miserable. External manifestations can be controlled but not the emotion. You can only ride it out.
Quiet Storm Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 If you feel jealous, people telling you that it's wasted energy or you are wrong for feeling it, will not take those feelings away. It's better to acknowledge those feelings and decide what to do about them, than it is to stuff them or deny them. If you do that, they'll just fester and breed resentment. We all learn early on, as children, that there are acceptable ways to express our feelings. A 2 year old may feel angry that his mom won't by him a toy and throw himself on the floor in a fit of anger. He eventually learns to control those feelings and contain them. A person that is not in control of their feelings and emotions may accuse, argue and create a lot of unneccesary drama when they feel jealousy. An emotionally stable person can still feel jealousy, but they will react to it in a healthy way. Maybe you need reassurance and should have a talk with him. Maybe you decide to do nothing and express your feelings by talking with friends or journaling. Maybe you look inward and decide that those feelings are related to your past, and get counseling to help you cope. 1
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 yeah there was some concern, to which i responded "look, i don't lie about what i do. i don't have a reason to hide anything" and she accepted that. she also has male friends who used to be dating friends of hers but aren't anymore, pretty typical situations like that. and i don't have the least bit of jealousy about those either. it's just as much of a compatibility test, really, that's how i see it. i take people at their word until evidence proves they don't deserve that trust. if she could do the same we have that in common, if not we probably wouldn't get along. Ultimately, it worked out for the two of you and that's all that really matters. I just find your situation here interesting and how you dealt with it. Maybe this isn't how it was but I'm reading your response as kind of, "in-your-face-if-you-don't-like-it-too-bad" attitude toward her. Trust is absolutely very important in a relationship. But also sometimes being in a relationship is about not putting yourself in certain situatoins. I am not saying that's what you should do in your case but there are many ways to go about respecting the boundries of all involved in a relationship. Again, I could be wrong but it seems like you expect her to accept everything you accept and if she doesn't, she failed some kind of test. I think trust is a mixture of taking people at their word and building it within a relationship. I don't think it's only about just taking a person at their word. As you grow a relationship, the trust gets stronger..usually. Because trust usually does take some time to build upon. Just using your situation as an example, if a guy was going to do that early on in our relationship, I think I would be more leary then if it was someone I was dating for a year or more and who I knew better. Although, I probably wouldn't be compatible with someone that had a lot of 20 year old male friends myself. I just find your response in general very interesting because it seems to be a bit on the harsh side for your partner. But I could be wrong. That's jsut how I am reading it.
thatone Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 we have that in common. if i want something i tell her, if she wants something she tells me. that's why we get along so well, to be honest. of course you all only hear my side but she's pretty much the same way. we've actually talked about that, people put up with too much BS from their partners, and relationships tend to slowly deteriorate because of it. we find it better to call each other out on our BS right up front
Disenchantedly Yours Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 we have that in common. if i want something i tell her, if she wants something she tells me. that's why we get along so well, to be honest. of course you all only hear my side but she's pretty much the same way. we've actually talked about that, people put up with too much BS from their partners, and relationships tend to slowly deteriorate because of it. we find it better to call each other out on our BS right up front I would agree with the bolded part for sure.
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