Robbie74 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I have started to date again and I hear all the 3-5 date rules when it comes to having sex. I don't follow those and end up going with my gut when it comes to getting intimate. I have been seeing this woman for a month now, and the first time we kissed she initiated. We have taken things a bit beyond that, I mean not to get to graphic in details. I have gone down on her and made out pretty passionately but cannot seem to get past that point. When it comes to the part where sex would be the oblivious next step, she pushes away and says we are not having sex. At that point she cuddles under my arm and that's usually where we stop. She hasn't even offered to return the favor, wow it wasn't since I was 18 I've had blue balls so bad. Not sure if she is waiting or just messing with me? I mean we text/talk everyday, hang out a bunch and the relationship seems to be going down the right path but I am still hung up about the no sex or even returning the favor. Any advice?
Greznog Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 3 dates maximum, if you're not having sex by then there's no chemistry.
oaks Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Any advice? Ask her the question you're asking us, but do it when you're not in the bedroom. You see, the thing is, we're not telepathic so we don't know when (or if) she wants to have sex with you or why she's waiting. A month isn't really that long, whatever Greznog thinks.
SJC2008 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 She hasn't returned the favor meaning she won't go down on you? Never understood the whole I let him eat me out but not ***. She's getting her and not giving you yours she needs to put out or get out.
fucpcg Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Only one of two things makes sense, (1) she's extremely self centered or (2) isn't on birth control.
veggirl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I would stop with the sexual activity all together. I can't imagine what I'd do if I was giving a guy head and he refused to reciprocate. I would have asked what the hell the first time this happened. I think holding off on having sex is fine if that is what you both want to do, but her accepting and not returning is extremely weird--if someone really wanted to abstain from sexual activities they wouldn't be accepting oral IMO. She sounds very immature / selfish. Why don't you ask her what is going on? 3
henderson14 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Tell her your starting to date someone else just to F with her. 1
curlygirl40 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 When it comes to the part where sex would be the oblivious next step, LOL You lost me at oblivious. Anyway, sorry, had to chuckle. How does she seem otherwise? Uptight in general about sexual topics? It's only been a month, maybe she's just not ready. What do you think would happen if you didn't perform oral on her? Just stop at making out? Would she/does she ask for it or expect it? What age group are you guys in? Is she a virgin possibly? If she's inexperienced maybe she's not sure of her 'technique' with returning the favor? Not sure on this one. Keep the lines of communication open and see what happens.
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 How long to wait? For me is when I know for sure he is not or has not been seeing anyone in a romantic sense while seeing me... (not a multi-dater) ... when I know him well enough to believe we could possibly have a long term future together. ... and when I can trust he doesn't have any major skeletons in his closet... cheating, history of substance abuse, violence, criminal record, unclaimed children, bankruptcy, STD's, sexual addiction/issues... to name a few biggies. This last one can take awhile since this is not something many people are going to admit up front... but they are definately things I would and have dumped someone for after the fact... so I'm more careful now. 2
paperboy48 Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 If she has no problem with you going down on her and she will not return the favor...you need to get rid of her.
InJest Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Pull back from her hard. She's an attention whore. Stop initiating contact, and start seeing other girls. She'll come around. Or you could just chalk her up to being a frigid bitch and move on altogether, which will probably serve you best.
WhatsMyName Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 3 dates maximum, if you're not having sex by then there's no chemistry. Not always true. My friend and her now BF dated for 4 months before she was "ready" to sleep with him and they are together still, almost 2 years later
newmoon Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 we waited 6 months. why rush? let a friendship build and see if you continue to like the person enough to sleep with them 3
thatone Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 If she has no problem with you going down on her and she will not return the favor...you need to get rid of her. agree. if at any point in a new relationship you find yourself doing more than the other person, stop doing whatever it is you are doing and look for someone else. if she comes around you take it day by day. but you will soon realize either way that your 'relationship' seems more like babysitting a spoiled child than companionship with an equal so what we're really saying is she's not what you're looking for.
carhill Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Any advice? Yeah, dump her. You've been having sex with her (cunnilingus) and she's been taking it from you and giving you nothing but the opportunity to service her specific needs without reciprocation. No more complicated than that. Buh-bye 1
Emilia Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 I have been seeing this woman for a month now, and the first time we kissed she initiated. We have taken things a bit beyond that, I mean not to get to graphic in details. I have gone down on her and made out pretty passionately but cannot seem to get past that point. When it comes to the part where sex would be the oblivious next step, she pushes away and says we are not having sex. At that point she cuddles under my arm and that's usually where we stop. She hasn't even offered to return the favor, wow it wasn't since I was 18 I've had blue balls so bad. I will never understand how people get to this point but stop their partner going further. She has some kind of a hangup, ask her. 4
rocketman122 Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 How long to wait? For me is when I know for sure he is not or has not been seeing anyone in a romantic sense while seeing me... (not a multi-dater) ... when I know him well enough to believe we could possibly have a long term future together. ... and when I can trust he doesn't have any major skeletons in his closet... cheating, history of substance abuse, violence, criminal record, unclaimed children, bankruptcy, STD's, sexual addiction/issues... to name a few biggies. This last one can take awhile since this is not something many people are going to admit up front... but they are definately things I would and have dumped someone for after the fact... so I'm more careful now. So basically, they'll be waiting forever.
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 So basically, they'll be waiting forever. I'm sure it must seem like forever for some guys... who are much more comfortable f*cking first and asking questions later. Why is that? Well... I'd argue that there are MANY more men than women who have the issues I mentioned above... Most men have no reason to ask too many questions or really have much to worry about in terms of reputation or safety. This is why I use a man's concern for discretion and desire to 'go slow' as a key indicator of whether he is 'relationship' worthy. Men who have something to lose in the bargain also do not rush into things. Those that do rush into things are either impulsive or think they have nothing to lose by doing so, IMHO. Not a candidate for me.
mitchell Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 How is she when you go down on her? Is she reluctant and shy but willing to let you, or is she hot and horny and thrilled when you make her cum? If it's the latter and she cannot reciprocate with a BJ, you should tell her that she needs to reciprocate or you will walk.
pink_sugar Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 I honestly say give it a few months at least. Get to know them. If you have sex so quickly, how do you know they aren't taking advantage of you? All too often I've known people who've rushed into sex and then later on when they've had their fill they give some quick excuse to move on. Value yourself and get to know them first. If you have a lot in common and are connecting emotionally you'll know the right time for sex. Most of the people I know who hit the sack right away go through relationships like water. I think there is something to be said about being intimate once you have formed a bond and relationship of trust and respect.
Author Robbie74 Posted August 31, 2012 Author Posted August 31, 2012 Ok, so I've taken some of the advice and stopped myself from getting to that point during the night. She continues to make advances towards me and I simply hold back. She seems to get a little flustered by this but has gone with it. She now likes to call me later in the evening just to come over and "snuggle" with her. I think the issue is I am very attracted to her and I can feel the same but she seems to want to wait to take it to the level with sex. I guess I can be ok with that as we get to know one another better, but at the same time I am a man with certain needs. I only date one woman at a time, not a serial dater by any means. But I really am getting to the point of dating someone else on the side to see where it goes and if my feelings are still with her or not afterwards. Maybe that can help guide me in the direction of where I need to go?
veggirl Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Ok, so I've taken some of the advice and stopped myself from getting to that point during the night. She continues to make advances towards me and I simply hold back. She seems to get a little flustered by this but has gone with it. She now likes to call me later in the evening just to come over and "snuggle" with her. I think the issue is I am very attracted to her and I can feel the same but she seems to want to wait to take it to the level with sex. I guess I can be ok with that as we get to know one another better, but at the same time I am a man with certain needs. I only date one woman at a time, not a serial dater by any means. But I really am getting to the point of dating someone else on the side to see where it goes and if my feelings are still with her or not afterwards. Maybe that can help guide me in the direction of where I need to go? good lord dude. Why don't you try ASKING HER what her deal is before you start dating someone "on the side"? 2
RiverRunning Posted August 31, 2012 Posted August 31, 2012 Good God, man, it's been FOUR weeks. Don't get me wrong, I understand you have needs, but surely you've been celibate for longer than that between dates and girlfriends in the past? You'll certainly find women who will hop into bed sooner, but if you're going to bail or start dating women on the side after a MONTH, you're likely going to find yourself going longer and longer without a girlfriend as you push them away. Maybe she's a virgin. We started having oral sex within the first few weeks after we started dating, but as I was otherwise totally inexperienced, we were together for almost a year before we had sex. Even now, if I were starting all over again, I think I'd wait at least a season before screwing a guy. Maybe she's the same, regardless of past experience. Maybe she's worried about a possible pregnancy or STDs. Maybe she's holding out on you because she doesn't find you attractive. Maybe she's banging everybody but you? My point is: the reasons are infinite and we can never know. Instead of continuing passive-aggressive withholding (which is, in general, a poor coping tactic. I see it as a last resort. 'Taste of their own medicine' sort of thing), what you should do is go and talk to her. "New Girlfriend, I wanted to know how you feel about taking turns giving oral sex, and I wanted to see how you feel about us having sex." Then, you listen to her. Maybe she'll be embarrassed and flustered, as she's never discussed this with anyone before. Maybe she has some GOOD reasons. Or maybe she'll demure and not be willing to talk with you yet - which, after a month, wouldn't completely surprise me. I think it should be something you can talk about within a few months of dating, though. Maybe she can give you a timeline on when she might feel ready to have sex. And then you table that discussion and just get to know the woman. Learning how to manage your needs versus her needs is an important part of a relationship. I'm not saying this to insult you - but look, plenty of people who have been dating just as long as you have aren't knocking boots already. Alas, I think it shows your character that you would rather resort to passive-aggression and consider seeing someone else on the side to fulfill your 'needs.' That is, maybe you'd be doing her a favor. 1
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