wollenglove Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 My story is a long one but I will try to keep it as short as possible. Basically, around 4 months ago I started chatting to a guy on a dating website. After a few weeks we met but after this he seemed to act a little weird, decreased contact and such. Gradually over the past couple of months contact has increased and he is now in contact mostly every day, with more than a few messages. I suppose you could say we have been seeing each other but without any real commitment. This was ok at first but gradually I found that I was starting to like him. I believe that he may have some kind of issue where it comes to relationships. He told me even before we met that he was terrified of relationships and is worried that he will never be good enough for anyone. For the past few months we have been seeing each other occasionally, but I am starting to think that the 'relationship' has changed somewhat. It has seemed to have moved from just a casual thing to slightly more maybe, I am not sure though which is the whole reason I am posting this. As time has gone on, he has started to introduce pet names, asks me to go out with him and also his friends and the like and tries to hold my hand in public. The other weekend his parents were away (he is planning on moving out soon) and he asked me over on the Friday night. Whilst I was there he told me that a bunch of his friends were due over the next night a they were all leaving early Sunday to partake in a hobby they are into. He then said that I was welcome to stay too and also said that they were going for a meal early Saturday evening and asked me more than once during Saturday day to join them. We all had a late night that night and were up after around 3 hours sleep and he told me that if he had a spare key he would leave me there to sleep. There is a lot more to the story but I thought I would start with this for a little advice, I will post more as it comes to me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Author wollenglove Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Does that make a difference to anything?
Greznog Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Yes, it does. These kinds of threads show up on occasion and what usually ends up being the case is that after 3 months of "seeing eachother" she still hasn't given it up. Which explains why the man slowly start giving less of a damn over time.
Pyro Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 sounds like he is slowly letting his guard down. Everything seems to be going fine.
Author wollenglove Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 The sex is fine. I just suppose I need some idea of where it might go. It's quite frustrating.
veggirl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 4 months is plenty of time to know where things are going. He should have asked you for exclusivity (to be his official girlfriend) by now. I would bring it up at this point. At this point you are wasting your time if you don't.
pteromom Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Why not ask HIM? Anything we'd say would just be a guess. Could be he's liking you more. Could be he's just lonely and using you. Could be he's just demonstrative but still thinks of it as casual. Only way to know is to TALK TO HIM. 1
Author wollenglove Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Well yes you would think so, but he is a little odd. He said that the reason his last relationship broke down was because he took too long to tell her he loved her, he was with her 4 years! I tend to think there is more to it than that though because he has told me how badly he was hurt and mentioned something about her sleeping with his friend. Since we have met he has made some very positive changes and I have to wonder if he genuinely does think he isn't good enough. When we first met he didn't drive and he lives around 15 miles from me, he has since started having lessons and is almost ready for his test. He has also talked about moving to my city and has changed his shifts at work to days rather than nights. Whether any of this is significant or not I don't know.
Author wollenglove Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 I'm not sure talking to him about is it an option or what I would ever say.
veggirl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Well yes you would think so, but he is a little odd. He said that the reason his last relationship broke down was because he took too long to tell her he loved her, he was with her 4 years! I tend to think there is more to it than that though because he has told me how badly he was hurt and mentioned something about her sleeping with his friend. . So he is not over what happened with his ex? That's a big problem.
veggirl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I'm not sure talking to him about is it an option or what I would ever say. "I really like you and would like to know where you are at in this relationship" then listen. He will likely say something like "I like you too, we are having fun" or whatever...at which point you say "I am ready for an official relationship. What do you think?"
Author wollenglove Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 I have no idea. But he has said that he's terrified of relationships and getting hurt.
Author wollenglove Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 "I really like you and would like to know where you are at in this relationship" then listen. He will likely say something like "I like you too, we are having fun" or whatever...at which point you say "I am ready for an official relationship. What do you think?" I've thought about this but what if he happens to say no out of fear?
veggirl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I've thought about this but what if he happens to say no out of fear? If he is too fearful to have a girlfriend then you are wasting your time with him. You need to ask him because seriously it's not going to randomly change. If he is emotionally unavailable and not ready to date, do you really want to hang around indefinitely? The longer you wait to find out, the harder it will be to hear the truth if the truth is bad. How long are you willing to give him?
The Way I Am Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I'm not sure talking to him about is it an option or what I would ever say. Say "I think we're great together. What do you think of making it official?" I've thought about this but what if he happens to say no out of fear? Then you'll know sooner rather than later. You won't have wasted time pining after something that was never going to happen. Four months is plenty of time for him to decide if he considers you relationship material. If he hasn't decided you're worth the risk by now, it's unlikely that will ever change. Waiting around and not being honest about your feelings will only cause yourself more hurt later. And it's not really fair not if you don't let him know that you have feelings for him and want to be official but still expect him to give you what you want.
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