Pfff, the city were his ex-mistress was one of our holiday destinations...

[Struggling63]

Marriedfor more than 25 years, a number of kids between 21 and 12. My husband is agreat provider, great dad, very good job, engaged in the family life, handy man, sociable,organizer. I am a stay at home mom.

So far so good but he has also cheated several times on me.

 

As a matter of fact the first time was when we were dating (it should have been a red flag). He had another relationship while he was studying at university while I was living in the town we both come from. After 6 months he ended that relationship and we continued dating and eventually got married.

 

6 years ago he left me for another woman during a couple of months, let’s call her A. We reconciled although I never managed to trust him like I trusted him before. The other woman lived abroad (in the UK, we are on the European continent). Almost 2 years ago I got a telephone call from a coworker of his who told me that she and my H had had an A for 1,5 year. He had told her he was separated from me and it was only with time that she found out that he told her a bunch of lies and did not really have the intention the leave his family. Let’s call this mistress V. She also told me that before he left me 6 years ago for A., he had an affair with another woman he met on a conference for work, let’s call her S. This A lasted until he met A (he had really fallen in love with A). During his A with S., he also had several As with other women who he met via datingsites. V. sent me proof of everything she told me, she had been snooping in his computer. Via V I also found out that my H was still incontact with A (the woman he left me for 6 years ago).

 

Canyou still follow me? I know it sounds complicated but he made his life (andmine!) so complicated.

 

In case you wonder why I still am with this guy, you have to know that he always treats me like a queen. He is a sweet guy, tender, attentive, we still hold hands. So he is the perfect guy… apart from the cheating.

 

Ofcourse the news of the affair with V caused a major crisis. Ultimately we decided to give our marriage another go. We both love our family and the life we have. We also have so much history together since we met as teenagers. My H left the job where he was in contact with V, and he took up another job in another country. We moved there and it was a new start. We spend a lot of time together now and I can for the life of me not imagine that he is still cheating on me. Last year we celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We decided to take a trip to the USA. So off we go to the USA. Wonderful holiday. But what do I findout after we are back? A, the woman he wanted to leave me for 6 years ago, no longer lives in the UK but lives in the USA, more precisely in West-Hollywood. And where have we been on holiday? In California… We have visited several places, among them LA and Hollywood. Now to be honest we have been together as a family for almost the whole trip so I can’t really imagine that he would have met A, or it should have been for 2 hours or so. But it still bothers me that of all the places in the USA there are to visit, we actually were in a place where a former mistress of his' lived. Especially since I did not know this when we were there.

 

I am wondering if I am making a too big deal out of this. I want to move forward and make this marriage work (and there are many great things about it) but that nagging feeling does not go away. My feeling is that he is still in contact with A, not as a full-blown affair but by mail and phone. And I want him to cut ties with his former mistresses but feel that he basically does whatever he wants to do. If he knows I don't like something, he will simply do it behind my back.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Struggling63

[CarrieT]

You know, it is really confusing to refer to an affair as "A" and an other woman/affair partner has "A"

 

I wish people would just spell out what they mean...

 

 

 

Regardless, the damage is done and only you can decide if you want to rehash the first affair the possibility that he reached out to the woman on your vacation or not. You've already explained how good he is going things behind your back so your decision to stay should just make life easier for you and let him do what he and you are going to do and not beat yourself up too much about it.

 

You are allowing him to stay in the marriage and you know he can lie and cheat. There is no repercussions to his actions so worrying about where you vacation should be a minor point to your relationship.

[Furious]

You know of three affairs, and each time you took him back because other than the cheating he is a wonderful husband and father.

 

You say he treats you like a queen and holds your hand.

 

WAKE UP!!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS????

[Struggling63]

Furious & CarrieT, I totally understand your reactions and I realise how my story must come across. Why do you think I call myself "Struggling"? I know this man since I am 17, I have never been with anyone else, I have never lived by myself, have not worked for ages. And I totally love my family and don't want to break it up. We have a fantastic life, many friends and our life history is totally intertwined.

He is charming (too charming seen the affairs) and loving. Most probably he will never leave me because he loves our life as much as I do. But there will always be the danger that he cheats. Do I want to live that way? That's the 1 million dollar question.

[mercy]

Furious & CarrieT, I totally understand your reactions and I realise how my story must come across. Why do you think I call myself "Struggling"? I know this man since I am 17, I have never been with anyone else, I have never lived by myself, have not worked for ages. And I totally love my family and don't want to break it up. We have a fantastic life, many friends and our life history is totally intertwined.

He is charming (too charming seen the affairs) and loving. Most probably he will never leave me because he loves our life as much as I do. But there will always be the danger that he cheats. Do I want to live that way? That's the 1 million dollar question.

 

So you are scared. What is your biggest fear?

 

Oh and what makes him lovable?

[Furious]

Furious & CarrieT, I totally understand your reactions and I realise how my story must come across. Why do you think I call myself "Struggling"? I know this man since I am 17, I have never been with anyone else, I have never lived by myself, have not worked for ages. And I totally love my family and don't want to break it up. We have a fantastic life, many friends and our life history is totally intertwined.

He is charming (too charming seen the affairs) and loving. Most probably he will never leave me because he loves our life as much as I do. But there will always be the danger that he cheats. Do I want to live that way? That's the 1 million dollar question.

 

Only you can answer that million dollar question. I wonder though, how much it's cost you, how can you really be happy, knowing he's cheated on you many times and most likely will continue cheating on you.

 

What will you do if this happens again?

[BetrayedH]

I think the red flag for me in this story is that although you feel you have reconciled and can't imagine he's cheating on you again, he completely lied by omission in taking you to West Hollywood and not even mentioning that his major affair partner lives there. This tells me that he has not changed into someone that lives an honest or authentic life.

 

I think that after all this, you have to accept that this man is likely never going to stay faithful/exclusive to you, especially when he has little motivation to change.

 

I worked really hard to forgive my wife and wish that I had been able to keep my cool but I can't imagine the concept of accepting my spouse as a likely current or future cheater. You are just worth more than that.

 

I think mercy nailed it. What are you afraid of? You are accepting a situation that sounds beneath you. Sounds connected to being a SAHM and being dependent upon him. I hear the part about keeping your family together; that's not an easy decision but neither is staying with a cheater.

 

Life does go on after a divorce and you're probably entitled to more of your assets (and alimony) than you think. You'd likely be able to make a fresh start and that part of divorce is pretty liberating. You can discover yourself again.

[whichwayisup]

He keeps cheating because he can..There's been no consquences each time he's cheated and you've taken him back. You've even said if knows you don't like something, he'll do it behind your back. Very disrespectful, selfish and cruel of him to do this to you.

 

Your choices are: continue on as things are, ignore his cheating ways, turn a blind eye to it and focus on your kids, family life and spend time with your husband and always feel like something is 'off' like you don't trust him much, or - Ask for an open marriage, this way (just having the option) you both can see other people and it isn't cheating anymore..Or, tell him to totally end things with any OW he's still in touch with and work on the marriage with you (marriage counselling) or, divorce.

 

You are afraid of losing all that you have, rightfully so, this is your life he's messing with and your kids lives too - But you can't let fear of the unknown take over, fear of being alone and losing him make you stay in a marriage that he feels he can cheat whenever he wants.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. He's a broken man and for some reason feels the need to have other women throughout his marriage with you. He can't stay faithful. This is why counselling is important to find out why he keeps doing this, keeps hurting you and doesn't seem to want to stop what he is doing.

[CarrieT]

Most probably he will never leave me because he loves our life as much as I do.

Of course he does! You are letting him have his cake and eat it too... There are no repercussions for his actions and you are still there waiting for him to assist in the creation of that "fantastic life."

 

I know this man since I am 17, I have never been with anyone else, I have never lived by myself, have not worked for ages. And I totally love my family and don't want to break it up.

So, just suck it up and stop struggling. You've made your decision that your fantastic life, not having to work, and the benefits you receive are worth the indiscretions.

 

Only when/if you want something else - i.e., a devoted and faithful partner - will you be ready to want to change your situation. Of course that is going to come with trauma; you may have to work, you'll have to learn how to date, lawyers to settle your bank accounts.

[Struggling63]

OP is European.

 

Her husband is clearly an "alpha male."

 

A successful alpha male having a mistress is more culturally acceptable in certain strata of European culture.

 

No, he's not your typical "alpha male", that's the thing. Actually his style is more that of the sensitive man who needs to talk about his feelings. No macho at all, at least no in appearance. Now I realise that he's actually very manipulative, he often manages to gets his way but it's never done in a forceful way. I notice that my blinders have come off and I see him in another light now (not so positive).

 

I am pretty sure that in case of a divorce I am entitled to half our possessions, and this would allow me to have a comfortable life. But our family would be torn apart. Our kids are doing great, a divorce would totally change their lives. Not sure if I want to pay that price. I don't think our kids know we have had problems, the family has always kept functioning.

[prettylittlethings]

Pretty much like he's done your entire marriage while you choose to bury your head in the sand, Struggling. He's had numerous affairs (that you know about) and probably more that you don't know about.

 

But hey, if that's what works for you then that's ok, too.

 

I think you just cling to this marriage because you haven't worked in 25 years and have no clue how to be independent outside in the real world. I hate to see women have no options and no choices like this.

 

You can keep putting lipstick on the pig if that's how you make it through the night. But eventually, you really need to learn how to respect yourself and make your way out in the world like everyone else.

 

 

Real world? What real world, your real world? She doesn't have to make her way out into anything if she doesn't want to, particularly what you consider the real world. It's about priorities and OP obviously priorities everything else that her husband does and provides over the fact that he is a serial cheater. Would never float my boat but different strokes for different folks.

 

 

He will not stop cheating on you. I meet these kind of men all the time, and they don't feel guilt for what they do so they do not stop. Particularly when he knows he can walk all over you. If you find out that he's not being faithful, again, he knows you won't leave him. He gets the best of both worlds, a faithful loving mother and wife and a mistress whom he has raunchy sex with and whom meets his other needs. You've set the precedent of doormat housewife.

 

If he's not having an affair right now, he will in a month, a year or 3... It will happen. If you want to change things then leave him. If you'd rather sustain your lifestyle, then keeping burying your head in the sand, detach, and use him for what he's good for and forget about the rest.

[Furious]

Pretty much like he's done your entire marriage while you choose to bury your head in the sand, Struggling. He's had numerous affairs (that you know about) and probably more that you don't know about.

 

But hey, if that's what works for you then that's ok, too.

 

I think you just cling to this marriage because you haven't worked in 25 years and have no clue how to be independent outside in the real world. I hate to see women have no options and no choices like this.

 

You can keep putting lipstick on the pig if that's how you make it through the night. But eventually, you really need to learn how to respect yourself

and make your way out in the world like everyone else.

 

 

 

I hate to see a homemaker dumped on, as if being a stay at home mother

means she doesn't work and is not part of the real world. I've been a stay at home mother and then when the kids got older started my own business. I can honestly say that I work hard at my career but in no way was it easier being a stay at home mom.

 

 

Struggling63

 

I suggest you see a divorce lawyer and get informed on what your legal rights are. Being at stay at home mother for 25 years, I believe you will be entitled to more than you may realize. Whether or not you intend to divorce your cheating husband, you will at least be put as ease as to your financial stability if you eventually go down that road.

[sally4sara]

Here is the thing I wondered when I read the OP.

How did you find out where this woman lives? I mean Hollywood is a pretty common vacation destination in the US. You hint to him choosing that city with an ulterior motive but if he isn't still having an affair with this woman, isn't it at least possible he doesn't know where she lives? So I'm asking if you found out from him or through your own investigations?

And wow! I could never stay in this situation and not have total access to all his correspondence. This guy would have to be an open book - phone, credit report to see any secret lines of credit, monthly credit card statements, all passwords shared, GPS tracking; the works! And I'd still be planning to leave once all the kids were grown.

 

Nothing wrong with being a SAHP, but it does leave you vulnerable after your children leave the nest if you remain with no current work history or marketable skills. He left before. No reason to believe (especially if he maintains contact with these women!) to believe he isn't waiting till its just you he ditches and not the kids too. I'd be preparing. Its never too late to go back to school. I use to board a room from and the woman in the couple had gone back to school and got a degree at age 50.

[prettylittlethings]

Here is the thing I wondered when I read the OP.

How did you find out where this woman lives? I mean Hollywood is a pretty common vacation destination in the US. You hint to him choosing that city with an ulterior motive but if he isn't still having an affair with this woman, isn't it at least possible he doesn't know where she lives? So I'm asking if you found out from him or through your own investigations?

And wow! I could never stay in this situation and not have total access to all his correspondence. This guy would have to be an open book - phone, credit report to see any secret lines of credit, monthly credit card statements, all passwords shared, GPS tracking; the works! And I'd still be planning to leave once all the kids were grown.

 

Nothing wrong with being a SAHP, but it does leave you vulnerable after your children leave the nest if you remain with no current work history or marketable skills. He left before. No reason to believe (especially if he maintains contact with these women!) to believe he isn't waiting till its just you he ditches and not the kids too. I'd be preparing. Its never too late to go back to school. I use to board a room from and the woman in the couple had gone back to school and got a degree at age 50.

 

OP, how did you NOT request any of the information. I practically find it unbelievable. Did you request that he do anything at all to win your trust back other than to end the affairs? It's almost as if you want to be blissfully ignorant. Keep living under a rock if that's what makes you happy.