Not sure I'm cut out for dating...

[KatZee]

I'm not sure if this is the right thread to toss this question into but has this happened to any of you?

 

I was with my ex almost three years. I did the whole emotions things with grief, sadness, hatred, anger... now I'm really just having a blast with my life and I'm loving being single.

 

I've had guys breaking my door down trying to date me, and I honestly couldn't be bothered with it right now, makes me feel anxious and stiffled. It's like I NEED to be single right now for me.

 

But besides THAT...

 

I feel like I've become such a big-headed narcissist since my split. While I was with my ex he put me down frequently. There was always something wrong with me. With my behavior, attitude, my life-style, even something as stupid as "why did you put that spice on my food! ew!" as I was cooking him a meal... whatever it may be, he was right there criticizing me.

 

I learned he was just so damn insecure with himself that he felt the need to bring me to his level. I lost ALL of my self-esteem with him. I had zero confidence. I went from an independent, carefree person to a jealous, paranoid, insecure, anxious individual. I never felt good enough for him.

 

It's 4 months post breakup and I've finally within the past few weeks seen that the issue was never me. It was him. The whole time. I'm beautiful. Successful. I have my own car. My own apartment. I'm hilarious. I have an amazing personality. I'm witty. I'm smart. I'm athletic and in shape. I'm confident. I'm secure. I'm a great cook, I'm a homemaker on top of being so independent! I love having fun, being spontaneous. I'm laid-back, go with the flow.

 

Basically, I would consider myself to be one of those "one in a million type's of women."

 

A family member just forwarded some pictures of me from a family function and I can't stop looking at myself. I haven't looked this light, this beautiful, and this happy with life... In three years. I can't stop staring! I feel like if I look at myself any harder or longer I'll fall in and drown just like Narkissos.

 

For some background on Greek mythology: He was celebrated for his beauty, and attracted many admirers but, in his arrogance, spurned them all.

 

I feel like I've been so picky... I guess I feel like my head needs to be pulled out of my own as$

 

I just haven't felt so good about myself in so long... will this go away!?

[weallfalldown]

YEA!! PULL YOUR HEAD OUTTA YOUR ARSE!!!

 

Nah really fair play to ya.........:)

[KatZee]

And by narcissist I don't mean Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I just looked that up and wow that's not me at all.

 

I more or less mean, I'm so freaking in love with myself, I can't take it! :love::love:

[KungFuJoe]

You're bouncing from one extreme to another and I think you still have some self esteem issues but are masking it with thinking you are too good for anyone.

 

Three years of being put down is hard to get over. You're not really sure what to think of yourself at this point. Just try not to think so much, get out and have some fun...eventually you will realize who you really are.

[weallfalldown]

there's always one....

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think you're getting an implosion of these emotions because you were in such a repressed state for so long, you didn't have any of that going for you and you probably felt horrible about yourself for most of the relationship.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about this being long-term, EVERYTHING gets old after a while or at least comes down to a reasonable setting with time.

 

Now If you take it to a level where you feel entitled and "special" to the point where you think people should pine for your interest and praise your presence then you might only attract certain type of insecure men...where you will have the power in the relationship but not the satisfaction.

 

But for now I think It's a great place to be after not feeling valued in your relationship...just remember this is about you, not about attracting or having the power or interest of men, think bigger and better than that...build yourself up but settled down within reason and remember to anchor yourself to true values instead of superficial ones in the end.

[KatZee]

You're bouncing from one extreme to another and I think you still have some self esteem issues but are masking it with thinking you are too good for anyone.

 

Three years of being put down is hard to get over. You're not really sure what to think of yourself at this point. Just try not to think so much, get out and have some fun...eventually you will realize who you really are.

 

I don't know if that's it. And I don't think I'm too good for ANYONE, there is this one guy I'd love to date... and I did have self-esteem issues to work through, and that was essentially the full three months post break up. It's month 4 now and I can see how much he put me down, and what I feel about myself now...

 

I've been going out a lot and that's what's making me see how amazing I really am. All of these people crawling out of the woodwork trying to date me, who saw my worth when I was with my crappy ex!

 

I now see myself for what I really was when I was with my ex... all of this, I was always amazing, but he made me feel like I was nothing...

[KatZee]

Now If you take it to a level where you feel entitled and "special" to the point where you think people should pine for your interest and praise your presence then you might only attract certain type of insecure men...where you will have the power in the relationship but not the satisfaction.

 

Oh no no, this is all about me and how I feel about myself. This isn't me trying to have people pining for me, or getting some high from all the guys trying to date me. If anything it's making me run so fast and far away. I can't be with anyone right now.

 

But for now I think It's a great place to be after not feeling valued in your relationship...just remember this is about you, not about attracting or having the power or interest of men, think bigger and better than that...build yourself up but settled down within reason and remember to anchor yourself to true values instead of superficial ones in the end.

 

Right... I don't want power. I just I guess am totally overwhelmed with how I feel about myself NOW as opposed to how I felt about myself months ago. It's completely night and day.

 

 

 

I guess I shouldn't have responded in quote.

[KatZee]

I guess more info for how I used to feel about myself... I would walk down the street and see guys staring, or making noises at me and I'd put my head down and shuffle away so self-consciously.

 

Now, I get that and I find myself passing them with head held high and smiling as I continue on my way.

 

I'd like to think that I've finally come to love myself... for me. No validation from anyone but myself... but hopefully it will tone down a bit because honestly, how can I date myself?! bwahahaha jkjk.

[KungFuJoe]

I don't know if that's it. And I don't think I'm too good for ANYONE, there is this one guy I'd love to date... and I did have self-esteem issues to work through, and that was essentially the full three months post break up. It's month 4 now and I can see how much he put me down, and what I feel about myself now...

 

I've been going out a lot and that's what's making me see how amazing I really am. All of these people crawling out of the woodwork trying to date me, who saw my worth when I was with my crappy ex!

 

I now see myself for what I really was when I was with my ex... all of this, I was always amazing, but he made me feel like I was nothing...

 

Not sure what to say then. Your thread title indicated you think you have a problem but your actual post is of a different tone. Makes me think you started this thread with a certain intention but then it ended up in a completely different manner. How many times did you rewrite your opening post before finally submitting it?

 

I still think you just need more time to find yourself.

 

I'm glad you're out of your abusive relationship.

[pteromom]

It sounds very healthy to me, and sounds very similar to how I feel about myself.

 

It's wonderful to love yourself and like yourself.

 

Just make sure that...

 

- you aren't feeling SUPERIOR to others. Make sure the feeling you are having is coming from within you and not via comparisons with other people.

 

- you are accepting and caring for other people. When you REALLY love yourself, it easily spreads to others, because it is born of true acceptance of yourself as you are. If your self-described "narcissism" stems from hiding low self-esteem, you'll find that you are judging others, feeling a need to defend your life choices and who you are, and feeling a need to prove your opinions are correct.

 

If you pass those checks, I think you are simply awake after being criticized for so long. Feels good, doesn't it?

[KatZee]

Not sure what to say then. Your thread title indicated you think you have a problem but your actual post is of a different tone. Makes me think you started this thread with a certain intention but then it ended up in a completely different manner. How many times did you rewrite your opening post before finally submitting it?

 

I still think you just need more time to find yourself.

 

I'm glad you're out of your abusive relationship.

 

Yeah, I'm not quite sure what my problem is either. I only wrote it once, haha. I'm not a dweller really.

 

I don't know I think my head's all over the place. On one hand, when guys try to pursue me, I run away screaming. Not that I'm scared to date, but the thought of being tied to one person, or being exclusive and in a one on one relationship freaks me out because I feel like I'll feel stuck. I know I'm having way too much fun being single, and just enjoying the ego-boosts from all the guys who are interested.

 

On the other hand, I'm so full of this self-love, narcissism that I feel like if I WAS ready to date and be with one person, maybe they wouldn't live up to expectations I have? I see how much I have to offer and really can't see myself settling for anything less than what I give... and that's crappy because I give so much, and there are so many threads on here about how great people are so hard to come by.

 

blah blah, now I'm rambling and not sure if i'm even making sense, or if I even have a problem to begin with.

[weallfalldown]

As long as you don't start becoming arrogant......

[KatZee]

It sounds very healthy to me, and sounds very similar to how I feel about myself.

 

It's wonderful to love yourself and like yourself.

 

Just make sure that...

 

- you aren't feeling SUPERIOR to others. Make sure the feeling you are having is coming from within you and not via comparisons with other people.

 

- you are accepting and caring for other people. When you REALLY love yourself, it easily spreads to others, because it is born of true acceptance of yourself as you are. If your self-described "narcissism" stems from hiding low self-esteem, you'll find that you are judging others, feeling a need to defend your life choices and who you are, and feeling a need to prove your opinions are correct.

 

If you pass those checks, I think you are simply awake after being criticized for so long. Feels good, doesn't it?

 

The only person I really feel superior to is my ex. But I'm pretty sure I'm justified there. just a little?

 

I don't like judging others either because I've been judged myself and I know how that feels. Some guy I hung out with last week (platonicaly in my mind!) kept referring to it as a date, and then when I said I wasn't interested in dating and I didn't want to give him the wrong impression, he asked me to judge how the "date" went and to tell him what he did right/wrong. And I was like... no! I'm not going to go and tell you what I THINK you did right or wrong, when you meet the right one, they'll accept you and love you for what you bring to the table. I'm not going to tell you how to change yourself.

 

I think I'm just realizing how low the ex made me feel. I loved him so much, I didn't see how bad he made me feel about myself. It's such an eye opener and I really can't believe it.

 

Is this how you feel about yourself when you're with someone who truly loves you? And is this how you should strive to feel in relationships?

[KatZee]

As long as you don't start becoming arrogant......

 

pulling head out of bum slowly and surely.

[pteromom]

Is this how you feel about yourself when you're with someone who truly loves you? And is this how you should strive to feel in relationships?

 

I hope so!

 

I have this idea that in a perfect relationship, we'd both love ourselves and both accept each other in this way.

[KatZee]

I hope so!

 

I have this idea that in a perfect relationship, we'd both love ourselves and both accept each other in this way.

 

:/ I've rarely seen this. If ever.

 

I actually know of one couple who had this, and unfortunately the wife has just passed.

 

Sigh. I hope one day I can find this for myself... and hopefully for you too!

[KatZee]

like all gals you stay with an ex for years, he gets a free pass, then you take it out on the good guys.

 

0_o

 

I'm not taking anything out on anybody. I'm remaining single for myself because I don't feel I can be in a relationship right now. I wouldn't lead someone on and have them fall for me with the current state I'm in. I wouldn't be able to give what I'm truly capable of giving. Not right now.

 

And my ex most certainly didn't get a free pass. I tore him about 5 new as$h0les. I didn't recognize what a bad seed he was until well over two years with him... he kept a lot hidden. Lied a lot. When we had good times, they were REALLY good times, at least from my perspective.

 

When it comes time for me to date again, I'm not going to go actively searching for a dick. I do want a guy who's going to know how to treat a woman.

 

But there was a thread on here about nice guys and how they always finish last, and someone made a REALLY good point. Guys who consider themselves "nice guys" who then go and whine about how they always finish last, and how they always get the short end of the stick aren't really nice guys at all. I'm going to go and find that thread. You seem to have a vendetta..

[KatZee]

guys who really are nice always get told its meaningless because everybody's nice. but guys who aren't nice but pretend to be nice reel in the gals, and get labeled nice. then girl after the breakup takes out all her anger on a guy who really is nice. after this happens 23 times guy who really is nice becomes not nice or mad or bitter. thats what happened to me.

what do you think is gonna happen to a good guy who hasn't gotten laid in 15 years while every jerk on the block has reeled in gal after gal with his routine which gals fall for daily?

 

Well, I know a lot of people like to take their crap out on other people. Whether it be a girl because she's been burned, or whether it be a guy because the girl cheated. It goes both ways, it's not designated to a certain gender. Go into the Breaks/Breaking Up section, there is some guy going around treating women like crap (intentionally) because he was burned in the past. He actually was smug when he said he hadn't treated a woman like a human being in 10 years and loved it that way.

 

This is wishful thinking, but people should just treat people the way THEY want to be treated. It's too hard because human beings are inherently selfish individuals and only look out for whatever they want. They don't care who they use and abuse along the way.

 

I think most people just rush to be in relationships after being hurt and that's why they carry their garbage from one relationship to the next. Those who are hurt, angry, bitter, or whatever else need to just steer clear of relationships because it just causes the cycle to go on and on again. Most people are just too scared to be alone, and too scared to face their own pain, so they fake it, and again, drag their dirty laundry from one person to the next.

 

If you're trying to date and you come across someone who is angry, take that as a red flag, and move on to the next. No use being brought down by someone else just because they have issues.

 

Some guys are just really good players, and they give off the impression that they are what the girl really wants. (nice guy with some edge). And then after some time goes by, their true colors come out, but by THAT time, the girl is already in love. And once you're in love, it's hard to break free.

 

I think your lack of being laid in 15 years doesn't have to do with other guys on your block. I think it has to do with you, and your approach, and your attitude towards women and life in general. I sense a very deep chip on your shoulder, and I'll tell you that comes through loud and clear. That could be pushing women away/turning them off/making them uninterested in anything more.

[pteromom]

:/ I've rarely seen this. If ever.

 

I actually know of one couple who had this, and unfortunately the wife has just passed.

 

Sigh. I hope one day I can find this for myself... and hopefully for you too!

 

I belong to a quite large community of mothers. Out of all of us, I think there are maybe three women who seem to be in this type of marriage. They love their husbands very much, they have good sex lives and the romance is alive. They support their husbands in all their hobbies, jobs, etc, and the husbands do the same for them.

 

I think it is QUITE rare.

 

However, I think if I find myself single again, if I can't get a relationship like that, it is better just to stay single. What's the point of a relationship if it is just continuous WORK with little reward?

[KatZee]

I belong to a quite large community of mothers. Out of all of us, I think there are maybe three women who seem to be in this type of marriage. They love their husbands very much, they have good sex lives and the romance is alive. They support their husbands in all their hobbies, jobs, etc, and the husbands do the same for them.

 

I think it is QUITE rare.

 

However, I think if I find myself single again, if I can't get a relationship like that, it is better just to stay single. What's the point of a relationship if it is just continuous WORK with little reward?

 

That's so sad. I think, as I've grown up and experienced more and more... see that people just jump into marriages when all the red flags are there that they SHOULDN'T be getting married. I think this is why most people don't have this type of marriage.

 

People today are too worried about biological clocks, or pressure from society/parents/friends, or just in a relationship for so long that they figure the next logical step is marriage, even if they aren't entirely happy!

 

I'd rather be single, maintain my high standards, and hold out for that once in a lifetime type of marriage, than just be with someone for the sake of being with someone.

[Imajerk17]

i do have a chip on my shoulder after reading a thousand gals who keep jerks for years or even decades while i get none. its a big chip on my shoulder. i was a happier guy before i was 40, but not anymore. i've had sex five times total and i'm freaking 42 and both gals i had it with left me. i have a big big chip against these players who reel girl after girl in.

 

Your "number" of 5 girls you had sex with actually isn't that low. It's actually pretty close to the average I believe.

[pteromom]

People today are too worried about biological clocks, or pressure from society/parents/friends, or just in a relationship for so long that they figure the next logical step is marriage, even if they aren't entirely happy!

 

I think it's because people focus on the wrong things. They focus on the FEELING. That "in love" feeling. And are willing to overlook HUGE problems or incompatibilities because they believe they can't live without someone.

 

And of course, that feeling DOES need to be there.

 

But here's what I think is the #1 most important thing: Your partner must have a basic attitude where he WANTS to understand your needs, respects your boundaries, and will continue putting effort in to make your relationship better.

 

If a person is basically selfish or insecure or has a need to "win", it doesn't matter if love is there or not, because there can never be growth in the relationship, and neither partner will ever feel understood or accepted.

 

If someone has that type of personality where he is all about mutuality, equality, and acceptance, you will grow a wonderful friendship that allows intimacy and love to flourish.

[pteromom]

i do have a chip on my shoulder after reading a thousand gals who keep jerks for years or even decades while i get none. its a big chip on my shoulder. i was a happier guy before i was 40, but not anymore. i've had sex five times total and i'm freaking 42 and both gals i had it with left me. i have a big big chip against these players who reel girl after girl in.

 

If happiness just depends on sex, you can pay for escorts. Getting sex is easy.

 

Now if you want to find a relationship, that's more difficult. But sitting around being angry does NOTHING to get you what you want. If you want a relationship, you need to start doing the work to attract and keep one.

[KatZee]

If happiness just depends on sex, you can pay for escorts. Getting sex is easy.

 

Now if you want to find a relationship, that's more difficult. But sitting around being angry does NOTHING to get you what you want. If you want a relationship, you need to start doing the work to attract and keep one.

 

Yes. And negativity does NOT attract, nor keep relationships. FYI.