Struggling with attraction to my wife

[confusednlost1]

There is a lot to hash through here. If you're planning on reading the whole thing, find a comfortable chair.

 

My wife and I started dating about 5 years ago. I had been divorced for a year. We got along really well, and in many ways she was the opposite of my ex. Stable, normal, pretty, kind, found me attractive, fun to be around, had ambition. We had a good, fun relationship. I get along great with her family, and vice versa. I proposed to her about a year ago. After getting engaged, we decided to buy a house, a first for both of us. We bought it, did some work on it and moved in. We married just a few months ago.

 

Just prior to our wedding, perhaps 3 weeks or so, the company I work for hired a new employee, a woman. As soon as I met her, it was like electricity flowed between us. Corny, trite, tacky, cliche, sure. But I felt it. I found her amazingly, extremely attractive. It's not because she wears short skirts, or low cut tops, or extremely tight pants, or acts like she loves all the attention she can get from men. I don't really know where the initial attraction came from. But it was real. Thing is, I'm a man, and I find probably 50% of the women I meet physically attractive. Maybe more. It happens. So I didn't really read much into this at the time. It's not like I don't work with other attractive women, and I've never felt any specific inclination to be close to any of them. If I'm honest, I can admit that this was different. Still, I was getting married to a woman I loved very much, and that was in the front of my mind, not another woman. Not to mention the fact that this woman is a knockout, and what I observed to be well out of my league.

 

We were friendly at work, and chatted every now and then about very benign things: the weather, work stuff, other people at work, etc. I got married to my wife. I still acknowledged this strong attraction to this woman, and as we talked about various things as friends, I started to feel something else for her. But of course, never said anything to her about it, and did my best to internally down play it.

 

I needed to speak to her privately about a work matter, and she gave me her personal email address. I said what I needed to say about work, and of course in this unrestricted space, began to flirt, and she responded. During our conversation she admitted to me that as soon as we met, she felt a very strong connection and attraction to me. I was floored. I shouldn't have, but I also admitted my attraction to her, how I found her very comfortable to talk to, etc. We both agreed that it was one of those times where even though you have just met someone, you feel like you've known them your whole life. Turns out she was also divorced, she went through her own painful marriage, and then a protracted divorce from a bitter husband who didn't want to let her go.

 

I feel it necessary to point out that while all of you are probably sure of where I'm going with this, I can assure you that I'm not. I've never been physically unfaithful to my wife. Although again, if I'm honest, I may have strayed into EA territory. Over the past few months, she's made it very clear to me how attractive she finds me, and that she would very much like to be physical with me, that if things were different she'd like to think that we might date, etc. Even though that kind of attention felt good, and I let it go on for too long, I had to talk to this other woman, and laid it all out for her: I find her very attractive, yes. I like her a lot, yes. I feel a strange connection to her, yes. However, I'm married. First, I would never cheat on my wife. If things are so bad that I feel such a strong urge to cheat, I will respectfully divorce her. I'm not out looking to get laid or anything. Secondly, even if I found myself so head over heels in love with this new woman, I would never start an adulterous affair with her while still married. That would inject all sorts of trust issues, for both of us, should anything materialize in the future. And really, I'm just not a cheater. I know it's wrong. I'm not trying to rationalize how a BJ might only be sort of cheating, and trying to convince myself that would be okay. Thirdly, I know it has to be hell being the other woman. Hoping that he gets divorced for yourself, hoping that he doesn't have to go through that pain because you care for him, etc. Best not to even go down that road, than try to deal with the ramifications. She agreed, and we keep all of our conversations above boards these days.

 

Still, of course, there is the fact that when she walks into the room I get butterflies, when she smiles at me I feel like I'm 16 and looking at the prom queen, when I see her name come across my phone my heart beats faster. Not to be vulgar, but lets just say that sometimes I have to wait to stand up if she's been in my office.

 

But I'm married! I shouldn't feel this way about another woman. My wife is great, for all the previous reasons. We get along fine, have a lot in common, we purchased a home together. We make each other laugh. I think she'd be a great mother. But I've never felt about her (or any other woman), the way I do about this other woman. She just doesn't elicit the same response from me. I never knew what I was missing.

 

So, to my problem with attraction, which is where this has all been leading to. I don't feel like my wife does it for me anymore, and I'm starting to wonder if she ever did. She hasn't put on weight, she looks the same as she did when we started dating. But I look at our current sex life, and our past sex life. It isn't that great, never was. I guess we have sex 2-3 times a month or so, on average. It's not really what I imagined for myself when I was 18.

 

About a month ago, we had particularly bad sex. I could tell she wasn't into it, and she's allowed to have those days. Afterwards, I told myself, she would come to me when she felt like she wanted to. A month passed. On the day I was going to bring it up to her, she actually beat me to it, saying that its been a long time since we had sex. I agreed and told her I was going to talk to her about that, and ask her why she hasn't had interest in being with me. She told me that she was going to ask me the same thing, that she felt like I wasn't interested in her. I told her of course I was interested in her. (I had spent the last month trying to figure out what I was doing wrong) So she said good, I'm glad we talked about it, so we can have sex tonight? I said of course, and instantly my stomach knotted up. It was the first time I noticed it, how her request for sex correlated to me starting to stress out.

 

When we started dating, sex was only allowed in missionary position. Apparently her ex also had complaints about how they could only do it one way, and tried, on more than one occasion and without her approval, to have anal sex, which closed her down even more. I eventually got her to concede to trying it with her on top, which she liked, and now won't do anything but that, even now, 4 years later. I've tried talking about it to her, but she says she's not comfortable in other positions, saying that they burn, they hurt, etc. She has tried to put on a brave face in the past, but if I can tell that she's totally not into it, the whole experience becomes quite deflating, and I'd just as soon not bring it up again. She says that she can only orgasm when she's on top anyway, so she has always said that she'd have to at least finish in that position. Fine, but I'd like to shake things up a bit. I just can't stand the idea of her gritting her teeth through something only I would be enjoying, so I've stopped pushing for variety.

 

I think for a long while, I haven't looked forward to sex. I find it rather boring, despite the fact that sometimes she wears lingerie for me. I feel like that is the part that I find most attractive about the whole sexual encounter. I feel so bad saying that about my wife, but I think it's true. Because of that, I feel like sometimes I have to psych myself up for sex, and I find myself trying hard, which of course doesn't exactly lend itself to having good sex where you can just let yourself go and have fun. I don't find her unattractive at all, I just don't feel the passion for her, and what's worse, I don't think it ever was there. Even when we were still only dating, on the nights I knew sex was expected, I'd have a bit of anxiety about it. Will I be able to perform well? Am I going to be able to keep it up for as long as it takes? Will I be able to make her feel good?

 

I find myself feeling ashamed that all these feelings and questions are coming to the surface because I've met this other woman. I do fantasize about her sometimes, and I am extremely certain that if, in another life, we were together, I would definitely not have the stress and anxiety about sex with her that I have with my own wife.

 

Another tough realization that I've come to is that I masturbate quite frequently, and I have since the beginning of our relationship. I always thought of it as harmless, I've been doing it forever, after all, and it's something completely separate from sex. I mean, its not like I was spending my sexual energy on it, its just masturbation, right? Then of course, I got to thinking: why in the world would I be doing that, when I have a girlfriend/fiancee/wife to take care of that kind of thing for me? Lately, I've been thinking that the stress I feel from gearing myself up to be intimate with her, it probably is just easier and less stressful to take care of that need for myself. Oh my god, have I just been pretending that I'm attracted to this woman for 4 years? I'm not going to list all the things that she does that I find unattractive. That wouldn't be fair, she's an individual and has her own personality and is entitled to do things the way she wants. But I walked in the bedroom the other day to find her in the midst of changing, and the sight of my nude wife in front of my did nothing for me, at all. I want to take this moment to reiterate that we have only been married for a few months, and already here I am having this crisis.

 

I really am trying to separate my relationship with my wife with my attraction to this other woman. I really, truly am trying to remain objective, and look at things from an outside perspective. The unfortunate conclusion that I've come to is that if my friend told me all of this, I would probably tell him that he's been attracted to all of her other great traits, was so happy to have found someone mostly 180 degrees different from his ex, and turned a blind eye to the lack of a real, burning, passionate physical attraction. I wonder, if something wasn't lacking in my marriage, how could I have let myself have such strong feelings for this other woman?

 

Often times, I hear about the beginning of lots of people's relationships: they couldn't keep their hands off of each other, they were so filled with lust for one another that when they weren't having sex, they were trying to figure out when they could next have it. I never had that with my wife. Sure, we had sex, but it was never like this thing I HAD to have with her. It was nice when it happened, sex feels good. Lately I feel like thats not good enough anymore, that I don't want it to just be something that we do sometimes and are fairly ambivalent about. I want passion.

 

I am trying to become attracted to my wife, and I'm sure that doesn't sound good. It doesn't really feel good either, to think that I have to force something like that. Like I said before, any talking I do with this other woman is all platonic, not suggestive, etc. I've also stopped masturbating. I want to focus all my energy on her. But unfortunately, I still have little desire to be intimate with her.

 

On the flip side, I can't imagine tearing this marriage up. We have a happy home life. I get along great with her family and she with mine. It would be more than just her (and me) who would be devastated to see us split. I have no idea where I would find it in me to hurt her like that.

 

But I just wonder how enthusiastic I am about this marriage. Sometimes I think that if she up and asked me for a divorce tomorrow, I'd be okay with it. Looking back, the wedding planning was clouded by the purchase of our home. That was an exhausting process that I largely handled on my own. I would get the documents from her that were needed, and then take care of all the conversations with the broker, the lender, etc. I can't say that planning the wedding was in the front of my brain, and I think I just sort of let it go. She wasn't particularly concerned about it all either, we just figured it would take care of itself with minimal input from us. We weren't all wrapped up in table cloth colors and the order of the dance songs. We picked the venue, we picked the menu, chose a DJ, gave him some general directions, and just had a party. In the talks we had about it, it was just what we wanted: something simple, not stressful, fun. Which it was. But I wonder if we just didn't care that much about it, because we weren't all that enthusiastic about it? I probably shouldn't speak for her, so I'll rephrase. What if I just wasn't that enthusiastic about it and just let things go? Was I so wrapped up in the purchase of our home that I just didn't see how 'eh' I was about getting married to her? What kind of a horrendous person am I?

 

My head is spinning these days. I know she wants more sex with me than I do with her, and I feel absolutely terrible about it. I love her dearly, but I feel like we're getting more and more like roommates. I don't know which way to turn. Any advice/insight would be helpful. Thanks.

[pteromom]

I think you should just end your marriage. Yes, it will hurt her and it will hurt her family and your family, but honestly, you aren't doing her any favors by sticking with her when you don't really have any passion for her and have very little romantic feeling for her.

 

It could be worse - you could have children. At least you aren't breaking up a FAMILY. In that way, you are lucky.

 

All that said, you do realize that much of what you feel for this other woman is fantasy, right? She's a beautiful woman who flirts with you. You have no idea what it is like to share household duties, finances, scheduling, etc. with her. You also don't know that sex will be any better than what you have now.

 

So - leave your wife. Spend some time on your own. Re-normalize yourself as a single guy before even thinking about dating this other woman.

[CarrieT]

About a month ago, we had particularly bad sex. I could tell she wasn't into it, and she's allowed to have those days. Afterwards, I told myself, she would come to me when she felt like she wanted to. A month passed. On the day I was going to bring it up to her, she actually beat me to it, saying that its been a long time since we had sex. I agreed and told her I was going to talk to her about that, and ask her why she hasn't had interest in being with me. She told me that she was going to ask me the same thing, that she felt like I wasn't interested in her. I told her of course I was interested in her. (I had spent the last month trying to figure out what I was doing wrong) So she said good, I'm glad we talked about it, so we can have sex tonight? I said of course, and instantly my stomach knotted up. It was the first time I noticed it, how her request for sex correlated to me starting to stress out.

 

I couldn't read the entire tome, but I got down to this point which is critical: You have lied to your wife - at least twice. Once about the point I made bold and about the emotional affair you are having.

 

You can do any of three things:

 

1. Have a full-blown affair and destroy your wife and marriage.
   
2. Do nothing and continue to suffer, probably to the point where you will divorce because you will grow to resent your wife for making you feel this way.
   
3. Come clean with your wife about EVERYTHING - the other woman, the lack of sexual interest, and everything you posted here.
   

[confusednlost1]

Pteromom - Thanks for your response. The rational side of me agrees with you, I realize that I'm not doing her any favors by remaining with her if I'm not 100% invested, as she is. She deserves better. The other side of me wonders if that isn't being too hasty, that if there is some work to be done before I end it. I also realize that this woman is a complete fantasy. In the grand scheme, I don't really know much about her, and have no clue as to how a relationship with her might be, logistical or sexual. And if I do leave my wife, it certainly won't be to jump into another relationship with this woman. I will need a LOT of time to clear my head before I'm ready to be with someone again.

 

Carrie - Perhaps my timeline was a bit jumbled, but when I told her I was interested, I really did think I was. It wasn't until I thought about her comments to me in the days after did I come to the painful realization that I'm really not all that interested. But point taken about the emotional affair. I won't have a full blown affair to intentionally destroy my marriage, and I don't know how long I will suffer, now that I have opened my eyes to it. I don't think I would ever resent her for this, I chose to be with her. She is who she is, and I've always led her to believe that I was okay with that. It's only now that I'm realizing that I might not be that okay with it.

[CarrieT]

I also realize that this woman is a complete fantasy. In the grand scheme, I don't really know much about her, and have no clue as to how a relationship with her might be, logistical or sexual. And if I do leave my wife, it certainly won't be to jump into another relationship with this woman. I will need a LOT of time to clear my head before I'm ready to be with someone again.

 

Good for you. This is what is known as GIGS - Grass Is Greener Syndrome. Your mind is building the fantasy woman into everything you want and that, in turn, adds to your endorphins of sexual desire towards her. The more you think about it, the more you will want her...

 

I'd recommend some heartfelt therapy - individual and marriage - and come clean with your wife about EVERYTHING to clear the decks and see if the marriage is salvageable (or if you learn that you don't want it to be salvageable).

 

Best of luck!

[Niner9]

I don't really have anything to add, just that I'm in a similar situation (minus the house, marriage and OW.)

 

It's a hard position to be in and I sympathize. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[google_girl]

What triggers attraction?physical beauty,mystery and being unpredictable.

With marriage last two things vaporize.It can happen with your next relationship too even though you feel passion in the beginning.

[confusednlost1]

I think is a lot more to attraction than that, at least I hope there is. What marriage would stay together, after all, once two of the three components fall away? Especially when you get to the years that physical beauty also wanes?

 

I don't think I want to 'clear the decks' just yet, before putting some real work in, and evaluating what I want from our marriage. Yes, something I should have had nailed down before we wed, but of course I thought I had nailed it down, which is where I'm at now. Is this just part of the natural course of things? Am I just in a valley right now, and should be expecting to start climbing the upside of the peak at any moment?

 

I've been spending a lot of time focusing on my wife, and my relationship with her. Not spending my sexual energy on anything but her, but I still find myself stressing over sex with her. I wonder if it's more of a performance anxiety thing, rather than lack of attraction? But then again, the fact that after work she's straight into ratty clothes and heavy sweaters (in the middle of summer) isn't really doing anything for me. I sit across the room from her, or next to her on the couch even, and I just don't feel the spark. We haven't had sex in quite some time, and I still don't feel the urge (overwhelming, or otherwise) to initiate sex.

 

Maybe some real therapy is the answer. It's a hard thing to admit to yourself though, that you need therapy and can't figure it out on your own. It's even tougher to admit to your spouse that you feel like you're not attracted to them, and need to seek professional help. I imagine that would hurt her a lot, to know that I'm not sure anymore if I'm even attracted to her physically any more.

[darkmoon]

a woman who wears ratty clothes at home to me is a slob, am a woman btw, tell her you'd really like to see a pair of shorts on her,

 

i hope you don't find that too hard to say to her, to just ask with a smile, if you feel that you can't ask her this favor, wow, just leave

[Aargh]

Admittedly I have been having an affair (now no more) but for the majority -no the entirety - of our 6yr marriage I've not enjoyed sex with the wife. She is beautiful but she's controlling and domineering and we somehow just don't connect sexually. Thing is I have kids with her And I have to make it work for their sakes. I fear it's too late. The thought of being intimate with my wife knots me up. I did have an affair and the sex was amazing but it was obviously based on illicitness and not reality. . I am learning / trying to move on from the affair but if anything the affair showed me how wonderful a sexual connection could be and how much I am missing within my marriage. What can I do? It's been 9mobths since I was intimate with my wife. Thanks for any input.......

[Aargh]

I'm sorry. I posted that in an existing post. I meant to start a new thread!

[veryhappy]

You can go to how much therapy you want, it won't change that your relationship was never amazing to begin with. It seemed like something good on paper, so you went with it. It was what you were supposed to do, right? And yet, it's not what you want.

 

Your wife's clothes are not the problem. She was naked and you didn't have a reaction. You always lacked something with her, and this other woman made it so obvious you can't deny it anymore.

 

Get a divorce now, before you have kids. A house and extended family are poor excuses. Otherwise you'll end up having affairs and/or divorcig with kids. Your choice.

 

There's a book that could help - Too good to leave, to bad to stay by Mira Kirschenbaum.

[strongnrelaxed]

It may not be well-received here, but since you asked, sometimes the grass is actually greener.

 

On the other hand, as some have said, most relationship follows similar patterns. So once you bail out on your wife, you should expect your next relationship to follow a similar curve up and then down. Maybe you are one of those men who are not meant to be in a LTR.

 

I also read what you said about your wife being domineering. This is a very, very bad sign. You should look into sites that can help you with this - no more mr nice guy is a place to start. If your woman treats you like this, it is because you allow her. It is also likely that she does not respect you.

 

If you read what men say - I mean non judgmentally and with an open mind - women who treat their men like this ultimately resent those men and sleep with more dominant men.

 

Good luck. You have a difficult journey ahead.

[LadyElaine]

I think your wife is worth more. More than being married to someone who doesn't love her. More than beig dumped for GiGS.

 

But sadly shes going to get one of those because you won't take responsibility for being what you want from her. You are almost certainly not being a nice husband to her through all this and then projecting it into her being domineering. Maybe one day you'll grow up and realize that she probably seems domineering because she's doing all the thinking and having to drag you along. Life doesn't stop for your little fantasy to play out.

 

I think you should do a lot of reading about affairs and projection and building a marriage. I hope for your will grow up and grow out of the fantasy before you ruin the life of an innocent faithful woman.

[hopeful4someday]

I would say, just give the work girl time and stay faithful to your wife. There will be more folks who grab your attention, but a relationship is so much more than just physical attraction.

 

I went through this with a coworker at my last job and found that with time my feelings did fade. I still don't know if it was just the initial charm or what, but in hindsight it was just a passing attraction. I would be worried about getting serious with her since she has a track record of divorce (sorry - divorcees are less likely to have stable marriages) and she knows you are married and is still being inappropriate. She lacks regard for what is acceptable and if you were to leave your wife for her you would probably regret it, much like her current ex husband probably regrets it.