Broke up because of the lies, can there be a second chance if she admits to lying?

[thrstn]

I found out my beautiful and smart GF (5 months together, she moved in 3 months ago) had been very disrespectful, possibly cheated (I have no proof), and lied several times to my face. When confronted she escalated the lying, so I had to tell her to leave.

 

She is 36, I am 39, no kids. She has a great "apparent" personality, charming, very warm and funny and I also love her at a deeper level. But she is also very insecure about my past, and was horribly jealous of all my recent and not so recent GFs (checking them out several times a day on the net and social networks etc,...). I was also quite jealous of her past I admit, but I think I had reasons to be: when we were in "advanced" dating she talked about her "ex" very frequently (I figured out it was an ex pretty soon, but she didn't tell me until confronted).

 

The ex in question is a 63 yo man (some kind of richer single "playboy"), and also her boss for the past five years, with many ups and downs and drama in their relationship. She says she only dated him for a few months out of despair and pressure, but that's a lie. She also had other BFs at the same time, including a 55yo man (their relationship lasted 9 years, they also broke up when we were dating I think). She also dated younger guys, but nothing lasted long.

 

I think she just likes "sugar daddies", but not only out of interest (as she implies when confronted), maybe also because she was molested (not actually raped she says) three times in her youth and tries to deal with it this way, going through the shock by "controlling" similar situations. Another way she does this is by looking at "teen" porn which shocked me at first but I can now rationalize (I know the actors are not underage but still...) And of course she has trouble trusting men...

 

She works in luxury real estate and I think she also dated or tried to date rich international clients (wow sounds really bad, now that I'm writing this!), sending them her photos etc...She denies this now but I'm sure it's true. She is an unusually attractive woman, looking very young for her age.

 

Well I had my doubts about this girl, but I fell for her during a trip to her home country. I thought she might have changed, had realized the "sugar baby" way of life was over for her and genuinely seemed to like me. I also thought she had finally realized that a relationship with a 63yo (or 55yo) man would lead her nowhere and that she wasn't getting any younger (she wants kids some day).

 

By then I had started "controlling" from time to time her by looking at her emails and phone, which I couldn't help doing because of her "ex" situation. But she seemed to be through with them and just kept "friendly" contact (although they kept texting her "Miss you / Love you" which I hated). She quit her job with her ex and moved to my place (I had no choice as the flat was part of her perks, and was also happy to live with her of course, willing to take the risk).

 

We lived together for two months, and it was amazing. But she kept on being extremely insecure about my past, because I had stuff from an ex when she moved in. The ex was living abroad and I had dumped her 8 months ago, NC since then, I was just too lazy to take out the stuff. This she had trouble believing...Then my ex moved back into town and I had to give her her things and saw her twice briefly, no feelings left at all. I told everything to my girlfriend, every time she contacted me, confirming it was over etc,...That made her sick because she didn't really trust me. We did have several talks about this issue, that the past should remain the past and that full disclosure of contacts with exes was the way to go.

I found out she had been in regular contact with two of her exes without telling me...

We had the same discussion again (I didn't confront her and she lied saying there was nothing) and she again agreed, but of course reneged on her promise...I'm pretty sure she was just being friends with them so I let it go...I myself respected our contract. I also told her I thought it was OK to be just friends with exes but she said no (double standards). It made me keep up the controlling though...

 

Two weeks ago she did something suspicious: she sent an email late at night to the "boss" ex saying she was available to see him when he was in town...

I admit she might have needed him to sign some document (not really necessary), but the email didn't mention it and looked flirtatious, or at least very friendly. All the while she was telling me she hated him, refused to see him ever again etc...

 

Then a few days later she sends him her photo by phone...hmmmm...then I started going a bit nuts and we had another of those "full disclosure" talks where she promised she wouldn't see him (I told her she could if she told me, she said no) and that she would tell me everything etc,...This was just after one of her jealousy outbursts because I told her my ex had repaid me some money she owes. I now think she was projecting her issues with her ex on me.

 

The "boss" replied and said he would be around at those dates. I saw this and asked her if she would see him when she got her document signed at the office. She lied to my face and said no, didn't know when he would be around...

 

Then she secretly organized to meet for "lunch" (I think this might be true, that she remained faithful, although of course the photo drives me crazy), and she started hiding things even more than before. She got her document signed (so that aliby was gone) and the following day went to have "lunch" with her "lady friend", lying to my face again...I went to see the "lady friend" and of course my GF was with her ex- boss...

 

When I confronted her she went berserk with lying: lied about the photo ("of the document" but unfortunately deleted from her phone...), about the reason for the "lunch meeting" (which I know for a fact is a lie).

 

Then I told her to leave, that it was over, that I couldn't take the lying. She said ok but then refused to leave...More drama, then when she saw I had made up my mind she sent the "boss" guy a "He found out I contacted you, please take me away forever, it's you I love, I love you" email...hmmmm! All the while swearing she loved me etc,...She also made sure the photo and lunch lies would be backed up by the "boss" in case I called him.

 

I think she panicked and tried to lie her way out of it... when she saw I wouldn't take it (I left town and went NC), she left. Of course I was down and still am. I know I make her look bad here, but she was also an amazing companion and I miss her.

 

It's the lying to the bitter end that did it, and now I that I have calmed down, I am considering the situation: should I start thinking of taking her back if she admits she lied and seems genuinely sorry? I made her understand that I was ready to talk to her if she stopped with the lying, and she picked up the hint, saying what she did was wrong etc, (she still doesn't admit she lied). Once she admits that she lied, I still need to understand the photo and the "I love you" email of course...and figure out if there is a way to rebuild trust.

She knows I have given second chances in the past, but to younger women, who had at least partially admitted their lies. Now I am reluctant of course (second chances don't make people change), but I do miss her. Am I being an idiot to even consider the thought?

 

Anyway I will meet her in a few days to "debrief" (and get my keys bakc) after this brutal ending to a mostly happy relationship...any thoughts welcome.

It helped to write this, I hope I wasn't too long. Great forum.

[SeventhFloor]

Sounds like crazy.

[flitzanu]

why even bother with someone like this? is that the type of person you want to be with?

[thrstn]

Yes, I know she sounds like a crazy woman...now I see it better after writing this and spending ten days without seeing her and talking with my friends. All this drama had effects on my judgment, clearly.

 

However, I'd be interested to hear if anyone was taken back for a second chance after admitting to heavy lying and "suspicious" behaviour.

Thanks.

[soccerrprp]

Yes, I know she sounds like a crazy woman...now I see it better after writing this and spending ten days without seeing her and talking with my friends. All this drama had effects on my judgment, clearly.

 

However, I'd be interested to hear if anyone was taken back for a second chance after admitting to heavy lying and "suspicious" behaviour.

Thanks.

 

Good grief, these words say it all....you'll be back later with a post regretting that you'd gotten back together. There are some serious red flags here. You don't trust her! She lied (lies)! What more do you need to know that you should move on?

[thrstn]

Yes you are right, I think she is basically a very deceitful and lost person and doesn't even realize she destroyed the relationship by trying to save it (by lying).

 

It makes me sad, but I can't save her from this, she has severe issues I am powerless to solve. Maybe she will realize what she did, but there won't be any trust left to rebuild...

 

But I will still listen to what she has to say when she returns my keys...

[KatZee]

Yes, I know she sounds like a crazy woman...now I see it better after writing this and spending ten days without seeing her and talking with my friends. All this drama had effects on my judgment, clearly.

 

However, I'd be interested to hear if anyone was taken back for a second chance after admitting to heavy lying and "suspicious" behaviour.

Thanks.

 

Sorry but no.

 

Any "apology" would be for her benefit. Not because she's truly sorry, not because she actually feels remorse. It would be solely to get you back, enjoy the life living with you, having you care for her, while continuing to go behind your back with her extravagant lies.

 

With all the lies, why would you believe ONE thing that came out of her mouth? The second you end it she's in love with someone else again. Or never stopped... she sounds like a user. She takes what she wants, when she wants it, with no regard for anyone else.

 

You dated 5 months. That's like a fart in the span of a lifetime. This person is not worth the drama.

[BeautyRush]

No. Never take her back. You've already seen the "full preview" of your relationship, so why bother "watching" the entire "movie"?

 

Based on your story, her ugly past (molestations) shaped her into this emotionally detached-selfish sociopath with little regard or respect to anyone's feelings. Her compulsive lying is her comfort zone. She is literally broken --- No heart, no conscience, no remorse. She uses her charms in manipulative, self centered ways.

 

You can NEVER help her. Unless you are willing to settle for some pretty-looking "monster/vampire" that will constantly drain your energy and suck you dry.

 

I've been there. Trust me. It ruined my perceptions and until now, I'm still struggling to cope.

[thrstn]

Thanks to all for the replies, they help a lot. I've realized that I just can't take her back now, it's clearly too crazy.

 

She has serious mental issues I think, I just can't get around her looking for release from bestiality porn and porn involving "little boys" and "little girls"...maybe this relates to her presumed molestations...re-victimization of some kind.

Maybe looking for shock value, but still very sick and irresponsible, unacceptable...I was actually thinking of calling the cops on this, but there won't be any files on her PC,...I just have her keylogged searches.

Monster indeed BeautyRush..."no heart, no conscience, no remorse", as you so well perceived. I think I need to see someone about this, the shock is still "sinking in" so to speak...I'm afraid I'll have trouble trusting again after this one...

 

I'll get my keys back tonight when I'll see her briefly. I'll just think of what she did, and I'll try to stay calm.

[thrstn]

Well I got my keys back, she said she was sorry, admitted that she lied...

BUT, still lied to the end...all the while saying she would never lie again. "Now I have no reason to lie" and still lies...sad.

She also said she thought I was lying about my ex,...she basically never trusted me.