kiababy Posted July 18, 2004 Posted July 18, 2004 I really thought the big breakthrough I had when I read the 'Love Addiction' symptoms was going to be the turning point. Ironically, my MM said the same thing on Friday: "...this is like some kind of addiction, isn't it?....." I've never done any drugs but he likes to do pot and said that it feels exactly the same......underneath the laughter I was thinking he knows it too..... It's been bothering me to constantly read posts directed to OW that say: 'he's just saying that; he doesn't mean it; he knows exactly what to say'....have any of you been out on the dating scene recently? They ALL say the same thing, they ALL know what to say, the circumstances are just drastically different, so I'm tossing that phrase out the window. Sometimes it seems like many of us OW are dating the same guy, but if every guy was unique in his approach to women, the magazine COSMO would have gone out of business decades ago....in case you've never read it, every month the cover has the exact same feature articles "What guys REALLY mean" and "99 things to do to drive him WILD in bed!!!!" Trust me, if you don't know what the 99 things are all ready.....then....hmmmmm....maybe you do need to read COSMO. For those OW who haven't read it yet, the Love Addiction link is under my post entitled "Love Addiction, every OW should read"
VivianLee Posted July 19, 2004 Posted July 19, 2004 Hey Kia!! I hope you don't think I'm stalking you!! I have just felt a concern for you from day one that you started posting. Not that your situation is different or worse than anyone else, remember I was an OW too so sadly, I know where you are coming from..... I don't think it's fair to say that ONLY men say the same thing and such. I believe women can lay on the lines too. I also believe that some of the men and women that say these things, really mean it BUT that's all they can do to back it up. They can say it and mean it but that's it. I think you came to LS like alot of us that were in affairs....you know you aren't in a good relationship or have had good relationships lately. Plus, you have no one that you can talk to and admit what's going on because you are worried what they will think of you. I'm sure you MM adores you, thinks you are the greatest and the best and people need to hear that in their lives. I guess what you need to ask yourself, is the turmoil, guilt and helplessness you feel worth hearing good things all the time. You know it's very, very doubtful that y'all could have a future, there is only a bizillion things working against that! Plus, is he going to break your heart? He's so young and untrustworthy, do you want that in a man? Women need security in their lives, as you turn 50 in 8 yrs (you're 42?) do you think this game will be as fun or worth it?? Or will you be a clingy mess that is worried the young stallion is tired of you, has confessed to 10 to 20 more "cheatings", called you drunk needed a couch to sober up on or just wants sex because he knows he can? He may be willing to keep you around for 20 more years but what will you have?? Plus I hope you are using protection, he could easily give you a disease too!! A good case scenario would be to find a single guy, closer to your age, someone that has the same interests (sexually should fit there also), that will make you feel special, that will want to take care of you and see to your well-being, you won't have to share him with anyone, you won't have to worry about guilt and remorse all the time!! Really, what good are these compliments and feelings of being wanted when you feel like such a mess and are controlled by someone??? You're self-worth shouldn't be based on some young guy wanting to have an affair with you. You are better than that!! It's an addiction and it's just as dangerous as a drug. I understand totally what you are going through! Try to get out! Try to view him in a bad light, pretend that he's saying those same sweet things (which he more than likely is) to his wife and whomever he's is flirting with...try to hate him like you have your mother and others in your life that have done things to hurt you or cause you hurt!! I hope you the best!!
Author kiababy Posted July 19, 2004 Author Posted July 19, 2004 Hi Vivian, no, I don’t think you are stalking me . Actually I appreciate your posts very much because you have such a great understanding of the whole picture and I can’t believe you’ve followed my messy history – even the stuff with my mother! First, I wanted to clear up one thing from our last thread – the reason I don’t think he is lying to me is because he hasn’t had a reason to. In the beginning, we were just ‘fooling around’ and were open and honest about other people we were seeing and what we were up to. It was only after the whole period where that girl called his wife and he was on lock-down and I was the one he could turn to , to vent about his situation; that I got used to being the ‘only one’ (ironic huh?) in his life. The night he ‘cheated’ was his first night of freedom after 7 months of being under lock and key. He has apologized a 1000 times and acknowledges how stupid it was, and even went to the doctor to get tested. He is still however, very very happy that it made me jealous and brings it up all the time. I hate the fact that not only are all OW are tarred with the same brush (skanks, whores, no morals etc), but all MM are too. Yes, tons of them are players, but some guys genuinely care for the women they have affairs with. My MM is not sophisticated enough to be making up the stuff he says to me. He is sincere. And no Vivian, I do not think we will ever end up together. Too much age difference – even though he says as far as he is concerned, when you connect on ‘every level’, age doesn’t matter. But my issue is that he hasn’t had any children yet, and would very much like to someday. Well, I have had a hysterectomy – I will never bear a child again. And more importantly – my daughter has 2 children. The minute I found out my daughter was pregnant, I knew my child-bearing days were over…and that was before I had my surgery. I have come to my senses about only seeing him. I have already dumped the two other guys I was seeing and I don’t want them back, but I got a call from a firefighter I was getting to know last year and we plan to finally get together in the next few weeks. There is one other guy I have been in contact with, I’m going to finally go out with him too sometime. Plus – I’m going on that trip to L.A.!!!!! The lawyer I know that invited me down has redeemed himself – no more chats on webcam – and I am going to take this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. MM and I talked about my dating other people – he said he gets jealous now when he thinks about me doing anything with anyone but him (even his own dumb ‘girlfriend’ idea – as in me getting one!) but understands that I am still going to date. He said “I hope you feel you can always come to me and tell me when you’re seeing someone because I want to know….but I can’t handle hearing any details…” big change - there was a time when he loved my naughty stories! I can’t hate him, he’s more loving and affectionate to me than either of my parents ever were.
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