Is he trying to come back.

[IncredibleGrace]

About 8 weeks ago, my long distance boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me.

I knew from the very beginning that he had problems with commitment as our relationship felt very much like push/pull. We worked together (in different cities) so it was a risk...but we were willing to try.

 

He was sweet, generous, kind,sent me flowers, fully immersed me into his family and friends (I was the first if his girlfriends that hey genuinely loved) but I always got the feeling he was holding back. He started acting weird around his phone so I decided to look and found some pretty hardcore porn plus lots of online chat with others. I was devastated and confronted him and he fell apart - it was something he'd been addicted to since his teens and had never told a soul. He was so genuine, so desperate to get out of the trap that I decided to give him another chance. Over the next 6 months, our relationship really deepened, we were getting closer and closer, talking openly about his 'problem' and discussing him moving to my town. He started looking for jobs and we were just so happy....till he got real sick. It was a total surprise but I tried to get him through it, with the support of his family and 3 months of recovery later, he was doing good

 

And then the crap hit the fan again...just when I thought we couldn't be happier, there was a load of trouble at work, he was in serious dispute with management....and though he remained committed to us and was always talking about the future, one day, I noticed that heart stopping 'distance' again...and I just knew the porn was back. Maybe I should have asked him directly but I didn't...I looked on his computer and no we are not talking casual use here, this was an addiction. Once again, we had a confrontation but this time, a lot of truth came out. He had been seriously abused as a child, had tried to take his own life, had a deep fear of trusting people and felt like the porn addiction was related to that. Armed with the extra info, I felt like I couldn't leave him but I did say we needed to separate while he got therapy. He was terrified of dealing with it but within 2 days he was seeing a counsellor...and that's when I bean to see 'my guy' come back. We were separated but had weekly phone calls, he kept me updated on his therapy and toward the end of the 6 month break, we went to see the therapist together.

 

He was doing GREAT....we'd been through some if the worst storms a couple old take, but we were still standing. I believed he was 'the one' for me. We decided to get back together and for the first couple of weeks, we were really happy...and then I felt him slowly pull away from me. I just let have space because he was still in therapy and that can be mind-bending....but then a week later, out of the blue, he broke up with me. He said it was 'messing with his head' and he couldn't give me what he thought I wanted....that he wasn't feeling the love anymore. He asked or a 6 month break but I said no, we'd just had one....he was confused, contradicting himself and basically in full flow freak-out! In the end, we talked for hours but he was jabbering on, so I let him go. I said I thought it was the wrong decision, but I kept calm and when I walked away, I determined I would not let him see me cry.

 

I then spent 2 weeks on my sofa, a gibbering wreck....utterly heartbroken and devatsated, even too scared to go t sleep because I kept dreaming of all the happy times. We'd been through SO much and yet he was just going to walk away. We had NC for nearly 3 weeks, by which point I'd heard from mutual friends that he 'couldn't stop thinking about me' and he wondered if he'd made the right choice. We eventually needed to email each other for work and while I kept it professional, it was clear he wanted to talk on email. He was telling me what he was up to....asking how I was...and in the past week, he emails me nearly every day about work stuff...but a lot of it seemed a bit contrived...I knew he didn't have to come to me with those work issues.

 

I've gone back into NC now as its playing with my head. I always swore I'd not have an on/off relationship with someone and yet I love this guy deeply. I can't shake the feeling tha were just right for each other...but it's so hard. His family are devastated..they say that every one of his previous relationships has ended the same way...but he'd never let anyone get as close to him as I did.

 

I wonder if he is trying to come back? How would you handle this?

Edited August 28, 2012 by IncredibleGrace

[Drseussgrrl]

I know how heartbreaking this is for you.

 

But listen closely. This will always be his pattern. You can make excuses all you want for his behavior but you cannot be this man's savior. At the end of the day, the issues that he struggles with leave you broken-hearted. This isn't fair to you.

 

I know you love him but you have GOT to love yourself more and leave it be. These intermittent little contacts from him will only serve to keep you from moving forward.

 

You've already had a six month break, therapy, and other "solutions" but you keep finding yourself in the same heartbroken state. If you read up on commitment-phobes, you will find countless stories of women in your situation that have gone on for YEARS with no progress. Just push-pull-break up-rinse-repeat.

 

I think your head knows what you need to do, but it's a matter of getting your heart to catch up.

 

Get off the roller coaster and eventually you'll meet someone who isn't going to keep running from you every time sh*t starts to get real.

[IncredibleGrace]

Thanks...you do have a point and I've no ntention of letting this go on further. I think we're all on a journey...but I've no intention of letting him drag me through the mud with his. Since we broke up, despite being devastated, I still felt just a tiny sense of relief at being off the roller coaster. I hit the gym, started eating right and blocked him from my life...I guess the fact that I didn't fall apart, is making him curious. What I will say is that I DO believe in miracles and I saw such huge changes in him once he started therapy - and so I know change is possible. However, if he I'd want to come back, I'd never go back to where we were....it'd have to be an engagement, no less. But I'm not pinning my hopes on that, I'm getting on with my life, leaving him alone...and in time, think the future has a way of working itself out.