Long post, just need to vent- still struggling after 8 months

[KansasChica]

Did anyone here have an ex that just never reached out? Or pretended that you never existed? I'm finding that to be one of the hardest and most painful parts of my breakup and healing.

 

It's now been over eight months since he broke up with me. He sobbed when he did it, but before then, had been very hurtful (uncharacteristically) to me. I think that this was him wanting out and projecting his guilt onto me. He couldn't even give me a real reason.

 

After that, we went NC. I reached out via email a couple times and he seemed angry, blaming me for things or just cold. He started popping up again at the six month mark (we have mutual friends), and seemed confused how to act around me. Staring at me, bringing up memories together, hugging me. When another guy hugged me, he told me that he didn't like that. We slept together one drunken night. It was nice. He kissed me goodbye that day.

 

I asked him to meet me for coffee and he did. I just needed to know where his head was at. He had broken up with me when things were so good. I asked if he still wanted to date other girls and he said "yeah, I think so". That was that. I told him that we shouldn't sleep together again, because it made things confusing and he agreed. We had a nice meeting though- talked for a couple hours. Then I left and since then, he has been avoiding me like the plague.

 

I guess now, a month after our last meeting, I find myself in a depressed funk like none other I've experienced. Logically, I know that odds were against us. He is several years younger (late 20s), I was his first serious relationship, and he has his own issues. Insecurity issues, no true sense of self. Yet, knowing that this guy that you loved unconditionally could care less about your life just hurts me now as much as it did when he ended it. He never asks about me and he doesn't want me in his life. He even changed his wardrobe (got rid of clothes that he bought with me) and never goes to the bars we went to.

 

If this had happened to me 10 years ago, I think I could have handled it much better, but now, at 30, I really am mourning the man that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. There were so many mistakes- no communication, no boundaries. And now, it's too late. There is no one else in his life but a couple of guy friends who both have girlfriends. He would rather be alone or the third-wheel than be with me. I've tried to date others, but feel so numb and jaded by this whole experience that I've truly lost all hope that I will meet someone better. My heart still aches for him and the spark that I once had is gone.

 

Sorry all, just needed to vent a bit. I think I'm going to see a psychiatrist or therapist about these issues. Maybe I have an attachment disorder or something.

[ThatJustHappened]

Hey KC..I can TOTALLY sympathize. My story is a bit different but I'm the same age as you, and I absolutely know how you feel. Turning 30 makes a huge difference to a woman. It shouldn't, but it messes with your head. In regards to the break up though, there are other men out there..there really are. I know it doesn't feel the same when you date them..it's harder to find a spark and it's harder to fall in love, but don't you think that could mean that when it does happen, it will be forever this time? That's what I think.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Therapy is a good idea..I've been going for a few months now and it's really helping me.

 

I wish I had something more inspiring to say, but sometimes it helps just to know that someone else is going through what you're going through so I thought I'd share that.

[KansasChica]

Thanks so much for replying and your words of encouragement. It definitely helps to know that someone else knows is going through the same thing.

[ThatJustHappened]

Happy to help. If you ever want to chat, PM me. If you can..I'm not sure if I can do that yet.

[Standard-Fare]

You say you're eight months into the breakup but really you're not. You've been in touch at various points throughout this, you've been in social situations together, and you've even slept together. You may not be a couple but you've been drawing out this situation this whole time. Of course he's still in your head.

 

I'm not criticizing you and I think most of us have been in similar scenarios. (I'll admit I'm a good 9 or 10 months post-breakup with an ex myself and completely not over it.)

 

It sounds like this guy is just incapable of loving you, for whatever reasons. And you can choose either to keep drawing this out or to take some firm steps at moving on. That would involve not communicating with him at all, not putting yourself into social situations where he's there, taking his # out of your phone, not looking at his FB page, etc etc.

 

It's really very hard and takes a lot of discipline. You might slip at times. But this should be your goal. And if you think you need a therapist you should go for it, it couldn't hurt.