buckeye Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Last week I wrote my last child support check. Yesterday, I got an email from my ex asking if I would continue support as 1 child (18) lives at home while attending college. As part of the dissolution, I signed over my farm land which the rent thereof, does provide income to help provide for the kids. Since the final papers, my ex has bought a car a motorcycle, and has been on two overseas vacations. I on the other hand have lived pay check to pay check. My first inclination is to reply; take a flying f..k at a rolling doughnut. But, I am their father, and I want to do the right thing. My thought is I will not pay weekly support, but help in emergencies and periodically send a check. How would you respond?
Greznog Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I'd tell her to go **** herself. If you want to support your child put it into an account and give him the money when he moves out or needs the money to attend college or go on one of those "find myself" boozing trips to the other side of the world.
denise_xo Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Well, if your son is still living at home at his mother's expense and taking an education, then I don't see why he should be only her expense and not yours if we are talking money towards health care, college education, and food. But if you are not planning to keep supporting your child, then perhaps you should tell your son that, and that you expect that he now starts working and takes care of himself and not relies on his parents anymore, and that you are not willing to support him through college. My own father had this attitude that he would 'help out' financially when it was 'fun'. So, he would happily help with things that he felt like supporting (often with things he could grant as 'gifts' and then look good), while the every day expenses which were 'less exiting' such as food, school books or dental visits were more or less left to my mother. When he helped out, it was often positioned as a kind of 'favour' that she had to ask for. IMO, it is irrelevant what your ex wife is spending money on. Your son is your responsibility as well as hers. If you want to send the money straight to his account, I don't see the problem with that.
Steen719 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Last week I wrote my last child support check. Yesterday, I got an email from my ex asking if I would continue support as 1 child (18) lives at home while attending college. As part of the dissolution, I signed over my farm land which the rent thereof, does provide income to help provide for the kids. Since the final papers, my ex has bought a car a motorcycle, and has been on two overseas vacations. I on the other hand have lived pay check to pay check. My first inclination is to reply; take a flying f..k at a rolling doughnut. But, I am their father, and I want to do the right thing. My thought is I will not pay weekly support, but help in emergencies and periodically send a check. How would you respond? I'm glad that it matters to you. So, here is my situation, a little bit, and while there are some differences, there are some similarities. My son is 21, soon to be 22 and is in an engineering program at a university. He lives there - 5 hours away and the program is 5 years. He is in his 4th year. He gets some scholarship money and student loans. I get an annuity (early retirement) and work 2 jobs. I am losing my home, but I pay rent and all other bills (cc, etc.). I don't have or take lavish anything. I also am the only one who is helping my son with his expenses. My XH does not have a lot to give, but his expenses are much less than mine. He is not paying credit cards, house payments and he lives with his girlfriend. He never offers any help. Recently he got $6000 for some property and he gave my son $300. Just $300, knowing I am killing myself working and trying to make sure my son gets what he needs. My son knows this. So, all of this being said, I wondered if you could do some of these things. Could you ask your son to live with you? That would be providing support. Could you pay some of his college expenses regularly - such as his tuition each semester as a way of providing support? I would still want to help if I were you and I think Denise's descriptions of her father's "help" would look very much like yours. On the other hand, I understand how it feels to be the one living from paycheck to paycheck and spending very little on yourself. I would also not want to help my X spouse live a life of travel, new cars, motorcycles, etc. So, I would find out how you can help with your child's college expenses directly as a means of continuing support without paying anything directly to your ex-wife. I would be grateful if my X would even pay for my son's books each semester, but he has to buy gifts for his girlfriend and take trips with her, so I guess he can't afford it.
CatalinaSailor Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I guess I'm from old school and have an expectation a young man should be able to begin to support himself at 18. But, given today's economy I understand it is hard. Tough love would require the young man to find work. I think I would offer help directly to him but not enough for full support unless he is off to college and - I would offer it with strings attached as an incentive to be self supportive. I certainly would not give any support for him through your ex - that is just foolish. Good luck! 1
wow04 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I don't think you should be giving the money to your ex. If your child needs help then help the child. If the child needs something then you help by getting it. I wouldn't give the money to the ex. 1
Author buckeye Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. Denise, I'm sorry for your pain, but I don't believe I said I don't want to support my daughter. I just don't want my support money going to pay for my ex's toys and fun. I also said the farm land that was in my family for 3 generations, was signed over to help with expenses. Steen, I have offered to have my daughter live with me and her mother pay support. Both didn't like that idea. Perhaps the best solution is setting up an account or possibly a reduced amount to go my ex. I am going to have to buy a new/used vehicle. Mine is 20 years old and falling apart. I would like to purchase some furniture. I live a very spartan lifestyle. That's ok, I've learned to do without stuff, but, I admit, it does p_ss me off to see her living it up on my dime.
shiftman Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 My older got divorced when his teenage daughters were about 13 and 15 years old. Not only did he agree to pay for just about everything, he increased his monthly child support amount by his own accord. Shortly after his EW remarried, he started getting calls from his daughters needing money. When my broyther asked his EW about it, she simply said that she didn't have the money. My brother felt guilty about the divorce, so he opened his wallet. Honestly, he was like an ATM machine to those girls. Shortly after his divorce, he took a job in another state, as such, he didn't see his girls much. On his trips home, he started noticing that there were a variety of new cars, new furniture, outdoor pool etc., and other items that were being bought at the same time that he was being told there was "no money." If it were me, I would sit down with my child and tell her that I was willing to help. I would do so in a manner that I controlled and not just hand over cash to the mother like an ATM machine.
thatone Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. Denise, I'm sorry for your pain, but I don't believe I said I don't want to support my daughter. I just don't want my support money going to pay for my ex's toys and fun. I also said the farm land that was in my family for 3 generations, was signed over to help with expenses. Steen, I have offered to have my daughter live with me and her mother pay support. Both didn't like that idea. Perhaps the best solution is setting up an account or possibly a reduced amount to go my ex. I am going to have to buy a new/used vehicle. Mine is 20 years old and falling apart. I would like to purchase some furniture. I live a very spartan lifestyle. That's ok, I've learned to do without stuff, but, I admit, it does p_ss me off to see her living it up on my dime. why are you even considering this? you're not helping, all you're accomplishing is turning your daughter into the same spoiled brat that her mother is. tell the daughter if she wants to stay there she'll have to find a job or take out student loans to pay for stuff. tell her mother to buy her own f*cking vehicles and trips. 1
Author buckeye Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Again, thank you for the responses. The main issue I get from my ex is health care and car insurance & deductibles and food of course. I do want to help. She is still my Daughter. She has worked full time & has her own money. She received some grant & aide for school.
Owl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Why not offer to have your son forward some of the bill information for his college to you to pay directly, rather than pay her further support? Or...if you feel the need to help support your son vs. her...offer to pay your son the child support directly? Perhaps setup a bank account in both you and your son's names, so that you can monitor what gets spent where, and how? That way you can ensure he's using it for college/clothes/books/food and not for anything else. Keeps it out of her hands, but accomplishes the needs being identified. 1
notbroken Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 I am in a similar situation. You don't owe your ex a cent for her to buy new cars and toys with. If you still feel like contributing to your kid then pay them the money directly. I told my kids I would contribute 1/2 of their room and board for 4 years and then the money was up. Any time after that and they'd need student loans, etc. Came pretty close to sticking to that. Regardless, I wouldn't 'run expenses through the ex' as I suspect your kid wouldn't get all the cash - which isn't right. Pay the kid directly (or a bill).
JD1977 Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 Buckeye, You are very honorable (in a world of deadbeat dads) to put your kids as your first priority. However, that being said, don't let your ex take advantage of it. Like all the posts above said, there are many ways you can help your kid directly rather than giving it to her. 1
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