J.bunny Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Apologies for a long post... My boyfriend of 4 years (he's 27 and I'm 26) broke up with me 3 days ago saying he was unhappy in the relationship and unhappy with his life. He says he needs time and space and wants to be alone right now to figure things out. I suggested that we go on a break before deciding to fully break up but he didn't want to string me along. For that I am greatful. We lived together and he came to collect his things the next day and we were able to sit down and talk. He explained that he just needed to figure out what he wants and told me it wasn't that he wanted to be single...he just wanted to be alone. He apologised for hurting me and told me he still cares for me but that it wouldn't be fair for either of us to continue dating when he wasn't sure whether he wanted to be in a relationship or not. He said that he might wake up in a few weeks and deeply regret his decision. But maybe he won't. Obviously neither of us know what the future holds. He wants to remain friends but so far he has text me every day asking me am i ok and saying he's worried about me. I am worried that if he still has me in his life as a friend he won't miss me as a girlfriend. I love him and we have had a great 4 years together. We get on so well together, rarely argue and are each others best friends and biggest supporters. It's hard for me to imagine my life without him in it. I feel having communication with him the past few days has helped me also but am worried I'm in denial and kidding myself with false hope. My head is already all over the place and I'm struggling to deal with it all. To make matters worse we have a skiing holiday booked for January. We have paid for this holiday and it was expensive. He asked if we could meet up the end of next month to discuss what to do about the holiday. I said ok at first but have since text him and said that maybe we could sell it (we cannot get a refund if we cancel). I explained that going as "friends" isn't going to be easy. He told me he feels comfortable around me and doesn't want to go with anyone else. He says he "wants to go". None of my friends can afford to go with me. I'm so lost and confused. Is it possible to be friends with an ex when I still love him and want to be with him? Should I meet him next month to discuss how he's feeling and see if we feel comfortable around each other that maybe we could go skiing together? If I agree to go and he ends up meeting someone else what then? I need some advise on what to do about this
Mint Sauce Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I'd say it will be near impossible for you to go on that trip without further emotional damage, or at least a set back in your healing. If the BU is permanent, of course. The financial side of the skiing trip is imo his problem. He should refund your part. It was not a mutually agreed BU, he should take responsibility for the consequences, even if that means a 2nd job for a few weeks. 1
Author J.bunny Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 @mintsauce: I completely agree that it will set back my healing process if I agree to go. I am not sure if the break up will be permanent at the minute and am not ready to close those doors just yet I feel if we meet up next month and he still feels confused and doesn't want to be with me I can tell him I'm not going to go on this holiday and ask him to give me compensation? It was his idea to meet up next month and talk so there is always that chance he will have realised he made a mistake. Do you think I should try to remain friends or have no contact?
Mint Sauce Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I think the meeting up is a good idea, in the sense that it creates a kind of deadline. If by that time he doesn't come around, you have a clear point to decide that it's time to let go and move on. Until then, I'd give him the space he craves, i.e. NC (or very LC). If you still have something to tell him, do so asap in a single event (e.g. a letter), brief, clear and entirely open. If he does come around, it should happen before the deadline, not at the agreed meeting itself. The latter would be too weak a statement from his side. If he really wants to get back together, that should be such a strong urge that he can't wait for the meeting. Hang in there, many here know how much it hurts. I hope it works out for the two of you.
Crila16 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I'm not trying to upset you further, but are you sure he hasn't met another woman or were there signs over the last 6 months to a year that you could see that he wasn't that happy in the relationship? The only reason I'm asking this is because when someone out of nowhere decides he needs to take a break out of the blue, it's usually because they've met someone else and they want to keep you on a shelf until they decide if it's going to go anywhere with the new person. Of course I could be totally wrong, but that's just usually a sign. Anyway, this man will never look at you as "just a friend", so no worries there. You will have to NC though. I know you love him, but he just ended it with you. If he's not giving you what you want (a relationship), then he can't have what he wants (texting and keeping in touch or a friendship). I find it strange he keeps calling to tell you he's worried about you. That's guilt on his part. As for the vacation. No...it would be wise if you didn't go. Not if you two still aren't together at that point. You're just going to get more attached and it will prevent you from moving on. He's also not going to pick up other girls in front of you. That would be cruel. I don't think this man is cruel like that. It's only been 3 days since you broke up. I know to you it seems like an eternity, but it's nothing. If you completely cut him off and let him miss you, he may come around. NC is really the only thing that will work. Couples in long term relationship sometimes have these moments of "where is this going...is this what I want?" It doesn't mean he doesn't love you...he really may just need a break to think about what he wants.
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