tennessee0869 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 It's 5:30am and im writing this thru my phone. Sorry if this is all over the place. My husband and I don't communicate very well on serious issues. He is headstrong and commanding while I'm quiet and laid back. He will overtake a conversation especially if he's getting mad. I get flustered by his actions so I clam up, throw the towel and stop talking. While my H can be fun he can be moody and self centered. I'm non confrontational and easy going. I've always gone with the flow to keep the peace. We've been together 23 years total. We've had a lot of ups and downs as most couples. For the past 2.5 years, I've been on an emotional roller coaster. First it was him. November 2010, he was constantly texting females I didnt know and admittedly having EA's, he had some weight loss, he changed his wardrobe, he turned 40. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be married or if he loved me. I was rocked hard by all of this. We've been together since we were 17 and I was scared I was losing my husband. I went along with whatever he wanted to let him see where he wanted to be. June 2011, he was still texting these girls and said the texting/EA's filled the lack of sex we didn't have. It was a type of punishment to me because I wasn't intimate anymore. It wasn't all me, WE WEREN'T intimate and never tried to be. He always had a complaint about the sex and it wasn't fun anymore. He told me he wanted these girls separate from his married life and I wouldn't meet them or anyone new. He stopped calling me/texting me during the day. He stopped being my husband and became like a friend. No I love you's anymore, no holding hands, no hugs, no kisses, no affection at all. Everything stopped in our relationship that made us a couple. To me, we went from a married couple to roommates. We did and still do things together but I feel like we stayed together for financial reasons. He still texts his one lady friend and some other people I don't know. It's how it's always going to be. Gradually over time, my feelings have changed about him and our marriage. He put those girls and himself above me and us. He started noticing when I'd go out with my girlfriends more or I wouldn't call him like I used to. We have had numerous talks about us and I always ended up clamming up and in tears. So, I started writing letters. I've written 2 since March 2012. I can get my feelings out. I've told him three times that I don't love him anymore. He's never once gotten angry or cried or shown any emotion towards me or asked why not. It's weird because I feel like if your about to lose your wife and you love her as he has said he does now then why aren't you showing it. But he did say a month ago that separation isn't an option. We either stay together or we divorce. I can't keep living this way. I want a relationship. I want intimacy. I want fun times. I want to feel like I'm loved by the person I'm with and want to love them back. I don't have those feeling for my husband anymore. I've tried and tried but have been pushed aside by others or made to feel like a fool for my feelings. Our daughters see I'm not happy and they are supportive towards me. One has said you either pack your bags and leave or this is your life for the next 30 years. My question is this ... I've written a letter expressing everything and that I want a divorce. Is it wrong to tell him this way? Also, I thought about leaving it on the table for him to read while I'm out or at work. Is that okay? Thank you.
denise_xo Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 My question is this ... I've written a letter expressing everything and that I want a divorce. Is it wrong to tell him this way? Also, I thought about leaving it on the table for him to read while I'm out or at work. Is that okay? I think it's fine if that's the only way you will be able to express everything you need to say. Just time it so that your daughters aren't home at the time, and so that the two of you can (at least try to) have a conversation after he has had a bit of time to process what you have written. Another or complementary option could be to have the discussion with a marital counselor, if you think that your husband would go with you.
tojaz Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 It's 5:30am and im writing this thru my phone. Sorry if this is all over the place. My husband and I don't communicate very well on serious issues. He is headstrong and commanding while I'm quiet and laid back. He will overtake a conversation especially if he's getting mad. I get flustered by his actions so I clam up, throw the towel and stop talking. While my H can be fun he can be moody and self centered. I'm non confrontational and easy going. I've always gone with the flow to keep the peace. We've been together 23 years total. We've had a lot of ups and downs as most couples. For the past 2.5 years, I've been on an emotional roller coaster. First it was him. November 2010, he was constantly texting females I didnt know and admittedly having EA's, he had some weight loss, he changed his wardrobe, he turned 40. He wasn't sure if he wanted to be married or if he loved me. I was rocked hard by all of this. We've been together since we were 17 and I was scared I was losing my husband. I went along with whatever he wanted to let him see where he wanted to be. June 2011, he was still texting these girls and said the texting/EA's filled the lack of sex we didn't have. It was a type of punishment to me because I wasn't intimate anymore. It wasn't all me, WE WEREN'T intimate and never tried to be. He always had a complaint about the sex and it wasn't fun anymore. He told me he wanted these girls separate from his married life and I wouldn't meet them or anyone new. He stopped calling me/texting me during the day. He stopped being my husband and became like a friend. No I love you's anymore, no holding hands, no hugs, no kisses, no affection at all. Everything stopped in our relationship that made us a couple. To me, we went from a married couple to roommates. We did and still do things together but I feel like we stayed together for financial reasons. He still texts his one lady friend and some other people I don't know. It's how it's always going to be. Gradually over time, my feelings have changed about him and our marriage. He put those girls and himself above me and us. He started noticing when I'd go out with my girlfriends more or I wouldn't call him like I used to. We have had numerous talks about us and I always ended up clamming up and in tears. So, I started writing letters. I've written 2 since March 2012. I can get my feelings out. I've told him three times that I don't love him anymore. He's never once gotten angry or cried or shown any emotion towards me or asked why not. It's weird because I feel like if your about to lose your wife and you love her as he has said he does now then why aren't you showing it. But he did say a month ago that separation isn't an option. We either stay together or we divorce. I can't keep living this way. I want a relationship. I want intimacy. I want fun times. I want to feel like I'm loved by the person I'm with and want to love them back. I don't have those feeling for my husband anymore. I've tried and tried but have been pushed aside by others or made to feel like a fool for my feelings. Our daughters see I'm not happy and they are supportive towards me. One has said you either pack your bags and leave or this is your life for the next 30 years. My question is this ... I've written a letter expressing everything and that I want a divorce. Is it wrong to tell him this way? Also, I thought about leaving it on the table for him to read while I'm out or at work. Is that okay? Thank you. If you want to write it out in a letter, I would hand it to him and sit by while he reads your thoughts rather then leaving a "Dear John" for him to find. Unless you have reason to truly fear his response. I received mine via Email, never felt so cold and alone. TOJAZ
denise_xo Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 If you want to write it out in a letter, I would hand it to him and sit by while he reads your thoughts This is a good suggestion.
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