Merenishen Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 What I ask in this thread, is that I get advice from someone who has experienced similar, and can actually help guide me in the right direction. I'd rather not hear from someone who's just going to be rude and snap "get over it" in a self-righteous manner, so if you're going through that path of communication, please just don't bother to reply to this thread. I am not seeking pity or sympathy, I am seeking some understanding and for someone to actually be able to HELP me, because I actually WANT to move towards feeling better. I went through a pretty crappy relationship that ended November of last year, and since it was a fairly short relationship I thought, despite my horrendous pain at the time, okay, I'll be sure to get over this quickly. But as the year mark gets closer, I feel more and more hopeless. I won't bother with the details of the relationship, because I figure it's all pretty moot at this point. Just know the guy was a huge manipulator who took me for a ride and left me once he got bored. I'd rather focus on the present and now. I've done all the "right" things by the book of getting-over-breakups - I haven't contacted him, I've picked up hobbies (or attempted to), I've dated other people, and I've been trying to keep myself busy. But despite everything, my willpower at putting up the pretense of "getting better" is weakening and weakening as I realize the year mark is getting closer, and I'm still suffering. These days I've been feeling as crappy as I did when we first broke up, and at the same time I feel annoyed at myself for letting myself succumb to the depression I fought hard to never succumb to all these months, but also relieved at just letting my fake "happy and over it" mask finally slip off and being able to just feel like I want to feel - miserable. There are days when I feel like I'll never get better (although that's more prominent at night time when I'm solo'ing in my room and on my computer - like right now), and days when I feel hope, EVEN if just a little bit, but they're crushed pretty quickly when my negative mindset comes in and takes over (and trust me, I've tried like all hell to crush all my negative thoughts, but it is literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to crush them when they start up in my head - no "countering them with happy thoughts" has worked for me, the negative thoughts always win over any happy thoughts I can think once they start up). I feel frustrated at myself, being fully aware that any suffering I feel right now is entire my fault, and mad at myself for not being able to prevent this or control it better. I mean, a ****ing year. Why have I made such little progress? For months I convinced myself that I would never take him back and he no longer mattered to me, but the breaking point for me came when I wandered accidentally on his Google+ page the other page from something old on my page. From there, it was hard to control myself, and I ended up going down memory lane and couldn't stop myself. I even read a few old emails that I hadn't read since November, and I felt myself turn red and go into panic mode and feel like the humiliation I felt then was happening again, fresh, at that exact moment - till I reminded myself that email was almost a year old. I almost had a breakdown a few nights ago where, overcome with depression and so much despair, I almost impulsively went and jumped into my car and drove to his house at 4am in the morning. I had to swallow all my horrible emotions and it was the hardest thing to control myself to just not go over there. I know nothing good would have come of me doing that, but on the other hand, no contact with him and dealing with this on my own for the past year hasn't been going swell either. I can't comprehend what's making this breakup - a breakup that a NORMAL person would have gotten over quickly - trigger so much despair in me. What is it in me that keeps me tied to this spot? Why can't I find myself unable to let go of the pain? Of the misery? Why can't I move on? Everything I do feels empty. All the hobbies I've picked up and the tons of friends I've made since - awesomely supportive friends in everything I do - seem more like a "distraction" from the pain than actual ENJOYING of the people and activities. I can't seem to understand why I can't move on from my misery, even being surrounded by such awesome people. I don't feel much "connection" to my friends, I just see them as... there. Distractions to kill time on weekends with and mask my sadness for at least a few hours. It saddens me to admit that pretty much for a year now (and yes, a full year, because we were dating at this point last year), there hasn't been a single day I haven't thought of him. Going a DAY not thinking of him would be amazing, but honestly he's in my head a LOT of the time. I feel like even today, when he's long gone, I can still feel the control he had over me when we were dating, in pretty much 99% of all the decisions I make. I am aware he's not really "controlling" me because he's long gone, but again, my own fault because I'm using his memory to hurt myself and control all my actions. I can't seem to learn to just let it go. What am I doing wrong? What can I do to change? At this point I don't even know if I still care for the guy, or if it's just something past that. When I think of the guy, I mostly just feel sick in my stomach and I think of the awful things he would do and say to manipulate me. I don't really "mourn" over the "happy memories" anymore. I don't even KNOW why I feel why I do. To be honest, since this breakup hit me so hard, I fear getting into anything serious and long-term in the future, thinking "if THIS was bad, I can't imagine when the relationship is more serious!" Has anything experienced anything similar and is there any hope for me? I feel like I'm killing myself inside in my head. I look forward to the day I can look up above and smile, feeling freedom once again. I can't wait until the day I make decisions because I simply want to, and not to fight or appease this horrible controlling force inside my head.
todreaminblue Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 (edited) What I ask in this thread, is that I get advice from someone who has experienced similar, and can actually help guide me in the right direction. I'd rather not hear from someone who's just going to be rude and snap "get over it" in a self-righteous manner, so if you're going through that path of communication, please just don't bother to reply to this thread. I am not seeking pity or sympathy, I am seeking some understanding and for someone to actually be able to HELP me, because I actually WANT to move towards feeling better. I went through a pretty crappy relationship that ended November of last year, and since it was a fairly short relationship I thought, despite my horrendous pain at the time, okay, I'll be sure to get over this quickly. But as the year mark gets closer, I feel more and more hopeless. I won't bother with the details of the relationship, because I figure it's all pretty moot at this point. Just know the guy was a huge manipulator who took me for a ride and left me once he got bored. I'd rather focus on the present and now. I've done all the "right" things by the book of getting-over-breakups - I haven't contacted him, I've picked up hobbies (or attempted to), I've dated other people, and I've been trying to keep myself busy. But despite everything, my willpower at putting up the pretense of "getting better" is weakening and weakening as I realize the year mark is getting closer, and I'm still suffering. These days I've been feeling as crappy as I did when we first broke up, and at the same time I feel annoyed at myself for letting myself succumb to the depression I fought hard to never succumb to all these months, but also relieved at just letting my fake "happy and over it" mask finally slip off and being able to just feel like I want to feel - miserable. There are days when I feel like I'll never get better (although that's more prominent at night time when I'm solo'ing in my room and on my computer - like right now), and days when I feel hope, EVEN if just a little bit, but they're crushed pretty quickly when my negative mindset comes in and takes over (and trust me, I've tried like all hell to crush all my negative thoughts, but it is literally IMPOSSIBLE for me to crush them when they start up in my head - no "countering them with happy thoughts" has worked for me, the negative thoughts always win over any happy thoughts I can think once they start up). I feel frustrated at myself, being fully aware that any suffering I feel right now is entire my fault, and mad at myself for not being able to prevent this or control it better. I mean, a ****ing year. Why have I made such little progress? For months I convinced myself that I would never take him back and he no longer mattered to me, but the breaking point for me came when I wandered accidentally on his Google+ page the other page from something old on my page. From there, it was hard to control myself, and I ended up going down memory lane and couldn't stop myself. I even read a few old emails that I hadn't read since November, and I felt myself turn red and go into panic mode and feel like the humiliation I felt then was happening again, fresh, at that exact moment - till I reminded myself that email was almost a year old. I almost had a breakdown a few nights ago where, overcome with depression and so much despair, I almost impulsively went and jumped into my car and drove to his house at 4am in the morning. I had to swallow all my horrible emotions and it was the hardest thing to control myself to just not go over there. I know nothing good would have come of me doing that, but on the other hand, no contact with him and dealing with this on my own for the past year hasn't been going swell either. I can't comprehend what's making this breakup - a breakup that a NORMAL person would have gotten over quickly - trigger so much despair in me. What is it in me that keeps me tied to this spot? Why can't I find myself unable to let go of the pain? Of the misery? Why can't I move on? Everything I do feels empty. All the hobbies I've picked up and the tons of friends I've made since - awesomely supportive friends in everything I do - seem more like a "distraction" from the pain than actual ENJOYING of the people and activities. I can't seem to understand why I can't move on from my misery, even being surrounded by such awesome people. I don't feel much "connection" to my friends, I just see them as... there. Distractions to kill time on weekends with and mask my sadness for at least a few hours. It saddens me to admit that pretty much for a year now (and yes, a full year, because we were dating at this point last year), there hasn't been a single day I haven't thought of him. Going a DAY not thinking of him would be amazing, but honestly he's in my head a LOT of the time. I feel like even today, when he's long gone, I can still feel the control he had over me when we were dating, in pretty much 99% of all the decisions I make. I am aware he's not really "controlling" me because he's long gone, but again, my own fault because I'm using his memory to hurt myself and control all my actions. I can't seem to learn to just let it go. What am I doing wrong? What can I do to change? At this point I don't even know if I still care for the guy, or if it's just something past that. When I think of the guy, I mostly just feel sick in my stomach and I think of the awful things he would do and say to manipulate me. I don't really "mourn" over the "happy memories" anymore. I don't even KNOW why I feel why I do. To be honest, since this breakup hit me so hard, I fear getting into anything serious and long-term in the future, thinking "if THIS was bad, I can't imagine when the relationship is more serious!" Has anything experienced anything similar and is there any hope for me? I feel like I'm killing myself inside in my head. I look forward to the day I can look up above and smile, feeling freedom once again. I can't wait until the day I make decisions because I simply want to, and not to fight or appease this horrible controlling force inside my head. I am going through a depression at the moment....wildly swinging one which has me a bit concerned when i am rational as i involve myself in risky pursuits i am looking for absolution( i am searching for answers when there arent any) and i wont get any answers if i am not around. my relationship was bought to a close by me yesterday actually.I could have continued on ignoring the closure that needed to be done i bit the bullet and closed the book.The relationship ended nearly six years ago but had gotten particularly flirty and was confusing me he wated to add me on facebook to read poems i had written i said no he still wants me to telll him all my secrets......he still wants closeness to me but he cant handle me full time he wants me in his life part time......when i ended it i told him i was in love with soemone else he knew it was the end....he said he was happy for me and said i can still tell him anything he was always available for me....i know what that means.....he said he thought i was vulnerable without a relationship and i would be better to be in one.....that got my back up i have surivived for years without one .......struggled hard but survived so he made that null and void all my effort at recovery and life in general....a bit manipulative and i crashed later that night he imposed he was worried i would crash if my lvoe interest was not a happening thing...... i think he set it up that i would crash by saying that he made me doubt my heart and my feelings so i then told him the guys name to make it clear i was invested adn even went as far as to give him the rap this new guy deserves............my ex wants more than what i can offer him now....it is over......how i get through my swings is i try really hard to concentrate on people who make me feel like i can do anything, people who are good and supportive loyal and trustworthy....i have family issues but my mum and my sis are stepping up........providing simple comfort a family tree project for me to start a few hugs my daughters are affectionate and beautiful....i hav esomeone i care about deeply he aspires me to be the best i can be......without him even knowing......i love looking at simplicity in nature finding the beauty in the little things sounds touch smells .....i go back to basics...... and i have started to journal i wrote poetry and lyrics i write songs for those i care about who mean something important in my future and i try ever so hard to be easy on me i fail often.......i try to only hear good advice and discard the rest i follow my heart and i don't let people tell me what i should or shouldnt be feeling in that heart of mine......i have no shame on feeling something good.....i am trying to be open and honest with people when they ask how i am even though i have the inherant instict to say im fine how are you whether i feel like utter crap..... i still smile.....i dont go out and spend time with people when i am down i try to reflect....and when i feel a little better i go out.......speaking of which i have a night sky to catch soon.......let me know if i have helped you helping others helps too......hope i did......deb Edited August 28, 2012 by todreaminblue
Arcanum Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Hey there I get stuck in these negative feedback loops too. It's hard to cope with when you feel like you should be able to "get over it" in that simple way that everyone else seems to be able to. Especially the person that dumped you. I don't have many answers as to why we get stuck, why the pain is more intense or more long lasting that others. I think a lot of it is to do with how our brains are wired to be honest. I too do everything I'm supposed to. Eat, get out as much as possible, socialise, date, take up hobbies, treat myself well etc etc. Does it help? It must do to some extent. Have you tried doing the opposite? Have you tried just staying in bed, not seeing anyone, not eating, not looking after yourself? Usually we do these positive things because we want to feel better. We want the pain to go away and when it doesn't we despair at that. There are sickening truths to a break up. That no matter what we say or do it doesn't change that it's happened. That someone we cared greatly for has disappointed us and shown they don't care as much. That we hurt for however long we hurt. Some people hurt longer than others. For some it's months, for others years but one thing that always remains true is that it does get better even if it never goes away completely. Think about someone that you loved that died. Every time you think of them you feel a twinge of grief, sadness, loss. Break ups are harder because teemed with that we have anger, jealousy, disappointment, betrayal all mixed in there. Here's another question for you. What do you want? I ask because what I want from life is not career success or monetary success but relationship success. I want to feel connected to another person, to be able to give all the support I can and receive it back. To create a family to share love with. I want at the end of my life to be with my other half and what we've created around us. And if he is no longer there due to death, to always think fondly of him and miss him because he was my love. When I think I may have found that with someone and they dash all that it is a grief that is more than losing that person. It's losing a future I am working toward. True heartbreak hurts. It doesn't matter how long you were seeing someone, how long ago it was or why it happened. When they really mean something to you they hurt. They always do. You're doing the right things. Keep walking down the path you think will lead to better times. It's the only thing we can do. As for advice. I was suffering from heartbreak last year. I decided when entering into the new year that I would start walking a path towards happiness again. That I would not know if it would lead there but that I had to make choices I thought would. I felt better. Then I met someone new and he blew everything I'd ever felt out of the water. He then dumped me.. you can see my story here.... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/343065-aaarrgghh and now I am more heartbroken than ever. All I can say is that we have to keep believing that one day we will meet someone worthy of us. Someone that won't hurt us, someone that will nourish us as we do them. It's the same advice we get at the beginning. Give it time, don't lose hope. 1
Mcnulty Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 It's been 11 months for me since she stuck the knife in me. Yes it does get easier, I know that, but it's about you and what you are going to do from now, having been depressed and down for 8 months, not me. So, firstly, the negative thoughts and not being able to control them. I would go to your GP and seek counselling - CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It challenges the here and now, not the past, looking at your negative thought processes and re training your brain to not automatically think negative thoughts, it's holistic and looks at you as a person now and how you can change your thought processes. Remember, time is your ally...everything eases in time and happiness can only come from within, not from others.
nevadagirl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Most of us who read your story are experiencing similar things. I think part of the problem is we are setting a timetable on the healing process. I have done it since day 1 of the breakup. 3 months down the line and I wasn't over it and I kicked myself for not being over it. 6 months later I was better, but not over it. Still mad at myself for thinking about him every damn day. And here I am coming up on the 1 year mark just like you - September 12th to be exact, the day he killed me out in front of his house. This date looms before me this harbinger of doom. And that's ****ing stupid. It takes the time that it takes. You know this. I know this. Yet we're assigning these timetables because we think that's how long it takes a "normal" person to get over things even though we also know that that is bull**** too. The only people who get over this kind of thing easily are sociopaths and of course the ones who simply aren't in love anymore. A year is nothing. You're functioning. You're able to get out there. Maybe you skipped the whole wallow in self-pity phase. Do it. Gain 15 pounds. Fill yourself with chocolate and regret. Then go back out there. You won't feel empty forever, I promise. This is coming from someone who has internally classified herself as empty for years. I don't feel empty anymore. But I still think about that bastard every damn day. Because I'm normal, just like you. 2
Sav Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Well, to let you guys know, I still think of my ex of 4 years and we have broken up 2 years ago. When you feel so strongly about someone, you will not forget the moments you shared. But my life has been better and is getting better. Dont kick yourself in the nuts just because you keep thinking of her. Embrace the fact that you miss her and live with it. Sometimes it's just all about perspective yea? I'm happy right now even though sometimes I still miss her. Missing her does not equate to being unhappy. As I've said, try to embrace the fact instead of wanting to forget that special someone. You won't forget if your feelings are real, so live with them instead
Author Merenishen Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 Although sometimes I wish he would feel SOME regret for what he caused, at times I feel blessed in having the experience where I get to learn to heal on my own without relying on someone's apologies to make me feel better. So even if he DID for some miraculous reason contact me tomorrow and offer his apologies, I really, deep down, don't want that. I've been holding fort on my own for a year, I don't need or WANT his help. I'd kind of feel "cheated" of my learning experience if for some reason he did come back (but he won't and never will). On another note, you guys are giving me hope I'll get better in due time. But I think if I have to wait another 6 months for "time", I'm going to kill myself. I can't handle this any longer. I want to do SOMETHING that'll make me feel like I'm heading the right path, something to grasp on to feel like I'll recover eventually. To really BELIEVE it. Especially since literally his manipulative ways and the **** he would say to control me and get me to question myself are STILL affecting me today. Smoking is one habit I'm doing regularly now, and it started because of him. It's hard to describe why I smoke. It's not really that I give a **** what people think about me (I tend to hide the fact I smoke to prevent judgement from people), but it's the guilt of not smoking is way larger than the guilt of smoking... It's a whole mind**** he kind of implemented in me when we were still together, and it's still taking course today. I just can not stop smoking without feeling all these horrible guilt and just overall horrible feelings. I'm not physically addicted YET, but psychologically, I think I'm pretty much there. Bah, I don't really care much for anything else, but I'll hate to get over this eventually, and by then be addicted physically to smoking and be damned.
kindest Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 (edited) I went through the same thing, or maybe I haven't even recovered yet. But just knowing that this will pass gets me through the day. And yes, I do think of my ex EVERY SINGLE DAY. Oh, I just quit my job too. For some reason it has helped me feel better about everything. Find something about you that you want to change and change it. I guess that's what's worked for me. Edited August 29, 2012 by kindest
Author Merenishen Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 (edited) Alright, I just posted this in another forum when someone asked me why I still smoked, and I kind of let it loose... I'm reposting this, hoping this gives a little bit more of insight and if there's any way to help me out. The smoking thing isn't that HE got me into it... I started it on my own. Near the end of when I was with him, he was acting like a complete huge douchebag so I was super anxious, stressed, and always on my toes. I had no way to vent these feelings, and cause I didn't recognize at the time he was just being an abusive and manipulative dickwad (I was kind of brainwashed into thinking it was all my fault), I started to drink, do drugs (nothing hardcore), and smoking. I figured if I was already a bad enough person who made bad decisions, what were these things? People used them to cope every day, and I was near wits end in my misery, so I figured I'd start going down the same path. However, he'd always judged me really harshly on everything I did, so I never had intentions of telling him or mentioning anything, knowing he wouldn't approve and just look down further on me. One of my friends (coincidentally, same friend who went and told me all his business recently) found out about the smoking, and she was all "OH NO YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THAT", so she mentioned it to him, hoping he'd be able to talk me out of continuing to smoke. She had good intentions, but when she went and told him, it kind of ****ed me up. When he DID talk to me, he didn't blow up or yell (even remembering it now, makes me kind of sick to the stomach), he just expressed huge dissapointment in me, saying he didn't want me to end up like him (he smokes a pack a day), I was making immature choices, and said he'd lost respect and caring for me, etc etc. At the time, since I was so emotionally beat down and I'd kind of given up on doing anything right in his eyes, him expressing that type dissapointment in me and berating me was the final kick to me emotionally, and I just kind of... shut down. I hit SO LOW at that point, feeling like someone who'd never amount to any good, and all the choices I made were horrible. I vaguely remember making plans to try to distance myself from him, because at that point the emotional attachment was the only thing that had me going back to him. I kind of resigned myself to knowing I'd never do anything right in his eyes, I was too immature for him, and I had to grow up on my own before even thinking of being with someone like him. I remember what kept me to the relationship for the most part, especially when I was in huge suffering, was that I had a desire to do something, and hoping he'd "approve" of it. Because he'd always told me he'd "help me" go in the right direction and not make as many "immature mistakes" as I did, and that he'd help me be the good person I wanted to be (since obviously I was just a bad person up to that point in all my doings). I have a huge desire in my life to just do the best I can and treat people with the most respect I can show them, and he told me all I was doing was being immature and hurting people (including him) by making the mistakes I made. I wanted to stop making "mistakes", so he promised to help me become a good person. He knew how important it was to me to be a good person. Like I said, I never realized at the time that I wasn't making "mistakes" and he was just a selfish douche who'd use everything I ever did and flip it around to make it like I was a horrible person wronging him so that he could gain control over me and use it to his advantage and get me to do everything he wanted. He presented himself as a much more wiser, maturer and experienced person who was willing to lead me, the astray lamb, in the right direction. Who was willing to help me reach his much higher "stage" of maturity and wisdom in life. About a week later after that incident with the cigarettes, it all kind of came undone (long story, but he was kind of "uncovered" as a liar), and that was the end of it. As soon as he got caught in the act of deception and I confronted him, he walked away from me and everything he ever did or said (but not before lashing out at me and making it known how much he disliked me). The pain was tremendous, but the mind **** was the worst. I remember realizing and feeling relieved at the fact that I WASN'T the horrible person he made me out to be, but to get to my head to stop LISTENING to him was something harder (and I still struggle with it today). After all, for the months before the breakup, all the decisions I ever made were made with him in mind and whether I was doing something "right." I first tried to fight the thoughts by thinking "**** you, I'm not going to listen to you" and just ignoring everything they were trying to tell me - after all, my thoughts and desires were only acting out on the desire to please HIM. All my head thought of was to seek HIS approval, so all my daily choices were centered on fulfilling that approval he never gave me. Like with the smoking, I started by just stopping, period, as a "**** you" to him. But because of how down his "dissapointment" had gotten me, and how GUILTY he made me feel, I started up again. I started again because I thought, if I quit after he told me to quit, I'm doing it because HE told me to, and because HE made me feel like crap about it all. I had it ingrained in my head that to heal, I had to forget everything he had ever said to me. So I fought to forget those feelings of worthlessness he had caused by telling me off due to the smoking, by continuing to smoke. As a way to "defy" him and his looking down on me. Then the guilt hit again even while I was smoking, my head telling me "Good job, now you're letting him influence your decision to keep smoking by continuing to smoke because he told you not to smoke." I felt ****ty about succumbing to smoking cigarettes, but as I mentioned, the guilt of not smoking was 10 times as worse as this one. The guilt of smoking I could blame entirely on myself, and I deal better with feelings by knowing I'm responsible 100% for them. The other option of just not smoking at all was just absolute torture to my head. Even today, when I think of quitting, I still feel a tinge of "defiance" towards his memory, which prevents me from just not going to the store and buying another pack. I tried to mask my decision of smoking by making it seem like it was a choice I WANTED to do on my own, and I did this by hanging out with smokers, going for smokes regularly at work, and trying to fit myself into the lifestyle of a regular smoker. Another decision that still affects me today is also drinking. I go out on weekends with my friends and drink and have fun, but my ex also disapproved of me drinking, thinking I was too immature for it (again, drinking is something he did regularly too - he always drank when I was with him). Whenever I go into a liquor store and buy beer or some drinks, I feel paranoid I'll run into him again, and he'll give me that disapproving and exasperated look he always used to give me when he didn't like something I did. My friends and I go to this area of town that has really nice clubs and bars, and he actually goes on occasion to those bars (or he did when I was with him- I was underage when we dated, so I never went with him). A lot of the time on weekends I always have it in the back of my head that I'll run into him while I'm out drinking, and that again, he'll judge me harshly for it. I always feel GUILT when I do any of these activities. Like I said at the end of my OP, a lot of the decisions make, down to very little every day choices, he's always there in the back of my head. It's as if I make decisions to fight or appease his "control", and not because I want to. A lot of the time I have difficulty distinguishing if I want to do something because I personally WANT to, or if it's because I want to either fight or satisfy his memory, and I'm stuck in limbo on what to do. I always have a paranoia of running into him, but at the same time, I have some sick masochistic desire for it to happen, hoping he'll see me differently and I'll be able to let go of the naive girl and weak girl that was me a year ago that let herself get manipulated. But I think it all boils down to one way or another just searching for his approval. .... WHOO, YOU GOTTA FORGIVE ME. Once I started, I just couldn't stop typing. I actually didn't realize I still FELT all this until I started typing it down. Maybe this source of control and being unable to deal with it is why I'm still suffering after so long. I don't know, but I just know I let a huge load out. CAN SOMEONE UNDERSTAND WITH ANY OF THE ABOVE? AND IS THERE ANY WAY TO JUST MAKE IT STOP? I feel like I don't even have control over my own decisions, let alone my own life. As for why I care what goes on his life... I'd like to be able to answer that myself. Edited August 29, 2012 by Merenishen
Anastar Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 (edited) I am 8 weeks post BU and I also lost my job at the same time. For 8 weeks I felt like complete crap. I hardly slept, couldnt eat, turned into a a skeleton...all the usual things people feel after a BU. I posted my story before so I'm not going to bother. But a week ago a friend came over who I haven't seen in almost a year, and she gave me a few anti anxiety meds to help me calm down because I was having regular panic attacks. It got bad enough that my kids and pets were affected by my misery. I'm not a drinker, but an occasional smoker (not cigarettes). After I took the anti anxiety meds I noticed I felt better because when the thoughts about the BU came rushing at me, and just about anything would trigger them. I realized that I wasn't depressed, I was anxious, and finally yesterday I noticed that I'm feeling a lot better and I'm able to accept my feelings without fear and anxiety. I can handle it now, I can accept that this is the end, and I'm OK with it. I think that after two or three months I will slowly wean myself off, I've done that with other things in the past, so I'm not worried about using the meds in a destructive way. I'm finally beginning to feel normal, and I think I've reached the acceptance stage. Really, I recommend this for anyone who's followed all the usual advice like excercise, dating , hobbies, etc.. to no avail. I also realized that my anxiety is largely due to being an unemployed single parent. Of course I think about how much better it would be to have his companionship during this difficult time, but it's even better to know that I can do this without him, and I feel empowered. I'm not saying everyone should go on meds, but if you don't have addictive tendencies, and can handle following the recommended doses its worth a try. I think about my ex and sometimes fantasize about getting back together, but I'm ok with the BU. I will survive it, and I believe that good things are coming my way as they are for everyone else here...its that now I can move on without kicking and screaming. -A Edited August 29, 2012 by Anastar
Jingle14 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) OP, I could have written almost exactly what you wrote. I too have done 'all the right things' (after months of falling apart, I managed to get a grip of myself and turn my life around) - I have made new friends, created a busy social life, changed roles at work. I put on the face and pretend to the world I am 'over it' and well again, back to normal etc. Deep down, there's only me knows it's a facade. I tried going out with others, even sleeping with a couple of them - pointless - and I'm not even going to bother going down that road again, just not interested. I haven't time right now to write a longer message - and it would probably only drone on anyway - as I'm in work but I have posted on other threads (and started a couple of my own) which you might like to read. It's just all so God awful isn't it. Who wants to feel like this? Been having a dip this week as it's coming up to what should have been our second anniversary - not sure how I'll cope with autumn as that's the time I was blissfully happy 2 years ago, at the age of 45 in love for the first time (and I had been married for 23 years prior to that!) and I associate autumn with all 'our' happy memories. It's a year at the end of next month though since we were last 'together' and he said he'd give 'serious thought' to our getting back together - saying the chemistry and attraction were all still there - but started seeing someone else that same week I was giving him 'thinking' time! And so it's coming up to his year anniversary with someone else - from what I know they are still together - and that is also hard to deal with as it's heartbreaking to think what he may be planning for her. I hate him, and her, and I hate feeling like this. Edited August 30, 2012 by Jingle14
Med Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 Have you forgiven him? If not its best you do, look at what its doing to you now. Why go through a heart ache when you can forgive but not forget, I mean by forgiving you’re not condoning what’s happened to you BUT simply letting go of that person. I know it sounds hard, but believe me the power of forgiveness does wonders. Please do read this: Forgiveness - The Benefits of Forgiveness I strongly feel you haven't forgiven & maybe best for you to do so in order to heal, negativity is part of hate & is bad for you.
Jingle14 Posted August 30, 2012 Posted August 30, 2012 (edited) Have you forgiven him? If not its best you do, look at what its doing to you now. Why go through a heart ache when you can forgive but not forget, I mean by forgiving you’re not condoning what’s happened to you BUT simply letting go of that person. I know it sounds hard, but believe me the power of forgiveness does wonders. Please do read this: Forgiveness - The Benefits of Forgiveness I strongly feel you haven't forgiven & maybe best for you to do so in order to heal, negativity is part of hate & is bad for you. Personally, no, I haven't forgiven him. He knew I had feelings for him (wrong I know when I was married with a child, and I didn't leave lightly, believe me and am now living with the consequences of my actions) but he lied and told me he didn't feel the same (I had kept my feelings to myself until an 'incident' between us). But he did feel the same and had done since the very first time he met me. He only told me of his true feelings, selfishly, when his own marriage had ended. I had known for almost 3 years since meeting this man and getting to know him, platonically, that I wanted to be with him. I left my marriage for him (and I judge myself for that and always will) but he didn't have the courage to stand by me during the fall out. He thought we could seamlessly start a problem free relationship which would be perfect and harmonious from the start, impossible in the circumstances, and he bailed within months and moved into someone who would give him the free and easy relationship he wanted. He couldn't see past how things were at that time, couldn't see the bigger picture, despite what we felt for each other. And that is very hard to forgive. Some would say all my own fault, I am my own worst critic and know what I have done but I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing. I will read the article you have put the link on for though but it is very difficult to not hate this person and how appallingly he treated me (and he did), and the fact I now don't matter one bit despite him knowing the devastation he left me to deal with (and I fully accept my own responsibility but he surely has to accept some part in that). Edited August 30, 2012 by Jingle14
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