Inviting a guest to your house - and expecting them to cook?

[Silly_Girl]

The last 3 parties I attended/held, the kitchen was overrun by men! They were cooking and sorting drinks etc, and yes, it WAS the 'funnest' place to be.

 

And I am always happy to hang out in the kitchen and watch or help, or something in between (faffing?!) but that's natural and spontaneous. Being put on 'kitchen duty' would annoy me, and doubly so if the boys are off having fun playing video games. Ggrrrr.

[KathyM]

I think it's kind of rude to invite people over for dinner, and then expect them to cook the meal or to bring food over. I think if people invite someone over for dinner, then they should be the guest who is treated to dinner. I've even heard of people inviting friends over for dinner and then expecting the guests to chip in on the expense of the meal. I think manners have kind of gone downhill and people nowdays don't know how to entertain. Those are the times we are living in, though. I could see if it was to be a very large group and so a potluck was planned--then people could be asked to bring a dish, but other than that, I think people just want to entertain without having to do the work or incur the expense, so they ask guests to help out, which seems kind of rude to me.

[eleanorrigby]

I enjoy cooking but I loathe cooking with other people. I either need to be in charge of the kitchen or a spectator. So I wouldn't be pleased with the way that invitation was worded either. lol

 

Maybe you can bring a side dish already prepared and a bottle of wine and you can just stay in the kitchen and keep her company.

 

Or just tell her you are a lousy cook and instead of screwing up the meal, you will just keep her company. Bring a prepared dessert.

 

I'm sure it will be fun as long as you get it straight that you are not cooking.

She would probably prefer that anyway. Then all the compliments for the dinner will come to her!

[carhill]

The approach you received OP was what some/many people in certain social strata call 'direct'. There is no ambiguity about the expectations of the hostess. Is that rude? Perhaps to some. Others operate their lives that way. You can always be equally direct if such expectations are offensive to you.

 

In my social circle, it's commonplace at casual events which are not catered for the female guests to *offer* to help the hostess. Often, such help is politely refused. Myself, as a man, respecting the autonomy of the hostess in the kitchen, I move to set-up/dress the tables/clear dishes/clean up trash, etc and only stop if stopped by the host/hostess. That's my style and my friends know it. YMMV.

[hotgurl]

Elswyth - I really hope you will "feel better" and decide to go.

 

I'm really surprised by the idea that there is so much animosity towards the idea of the "wimmenz work" of the kitchen. At my parties, the kitchen is the happen' place where the cool people hang out and cooking is far from a chore, but where the most fun is had.

 

Maybe because I'm in a food-and-wine centered culture, but parties in Northern California are centered around the sharing and preparation of food and wine.

 

I'm appalled to think I might have ever invited someone to my home who would consider me rude or discourteous by helping in the kitchen just never dawned on me. But I would never expect them to help because I went to cooking school and tend to do most of the stuff by myself... But my next-door-neighbor also went to cooking school and there are evenings where we just walk into each others kitchens and help out where we can.

 

Consider not only the culture clash that is being written about here, but the social disparities from someone like me for whom food and wine is an avenue of giving, sharing, and getting to know someone. It is done with love as I give great thought to what is going to be served, how it will taste, etc.

 

 

I totally agree with this post. Most of my parties end up in the kitchen. I don't ask people to help but accept if they do. My family is very food centered with celebrations and I find it weird that someone would be offended by it.

 

It seems like you have a sensitivity to gender roles. I think she was just being friendly. It is something I might think of too. Oh we can hang out in the kitchen and talk about girlie stuff etc..

 

For me yes it is rude to ask someone to help but it is also rude not to offer to help. I throw several dinner parties a year and the worst one was for my husband friend and his new gf. She was so rude. I ended up feeling like a waitress rather than a hostess. I totally sucked.

[eleanorrigby]

I think the problem is that the OP does not seem to know the people that well and what to expect at the dinner.

 

I would be wary as well. I could handle someone asking me to make a salad or chop some veggies, but actual cooking in someone else's kitchen that I'm not familiar with would suck balls.

I wouldn't know where anything was, or how spicy or bland people like their food, constantly bumping into the other woman in the kitchen. ugh. That sounds like a miserable evening to me.

 

Find out exactly what she means by cooking and if it sounds like actual cooking, weasel out of it.

[veggirl]

Is it possible you misunderstood her tone, esp if it was via text? I mean I don't think it sounds rude perse, although it could...it depends. If someone said that to me, I would assume she wants some girl time and let the guys have some guy time. About a month ago I went to dinner with my bf at his grandparents house and as soon as we went in, his gma was like "veggirl you can help me in the kitchen and we'll let them talk". I admit I was taken aback, esp when I was like serving my boyfriend and his gpa snacks but I don't think she meant anything bad by it. I would still go if I was you and I wouldn't be offended or upset. I am sure she meant it innocently enough and perhaps it just came out wrong.

 

eta: I think the girls cooking for the guys is cute

In my situation, I chopped veggies for the salad and whatnot, I didn't like really actually COOK.

Edited August 28, 2012 by veggirl

[january2011]

January: I would be slightly more agreeable with the 'treating guests as one of their own' bit if it had not been gender-segregated, to be honest. The bf also said that he thinks that it is a culture clash - but one of traditional culture (in gatherings, the women always cook and the men hang around and wait to be served). We are of the same race as her, but frankly this tradition is almost foreign to me, having grown up in the city in the late 20th century. My grandparents do that (and even THEN, only with close relatives, acquaintance guests are never expected to help, male or female), but with most of my friends and current generation it is far more gender-neutral. I was not expecting a woman her age (she is close to our age) to abide by it and, worse, to expect others to abide by it.

 

They had specifically wanted us to come and see their new house, hence the dinner in. I could suggest that we just call takeaway or do something simple, but I think that would sound insulting to her dinner plans, no? Although I really do not see why she would plan a dinner and invite people to something that she would require help to make.

 

My "bad" experiences were very similar in terms of similar ethnicity but ultra traditional/old fashioned vs modern/Westernised, albeit, the hosts were a lot older.

 

It does sound like the gender segregation and her being very explicit and direct triggered your irritation (see Ask versus Guess culture on Metafilter). From experience even highly educated professional women from countries like China and Vietnam tend to be very clear about female/male roles in the household. I agree that perhaps her cultural conditioning has a part to play - and knowing that you are from the same ethnic group, she may assume that you have had the same conditioning.

 

Having said that, I also agree that the fallout is likely to be minimal but on the upside you could also make a new friend - not a bad outcome, to be honest.

[losingmyground]

Today she messaged him with something like: "Great! Elswyth can help me with the cooking, and you and my husband can have some guy time together. :)"

 

Am I wrong with feeling immensely annoyed at her?

 

It depends on her intentions.

 

1) I feel it's extremely discourteous to invite someone over for dinner, have them agree, and then expect them to help you cook. I don't have problems offering to help. I do have problems with the host expecting the guest to help and even stating her expectations and volunteering on my behalf. Especially if you barely know her.

 

I doubt that she meant for you to get there early and help clean, prep and then cook. I am guessing that you two do not even know each other. She is just trying to break the ice.

 

2) Being expected to cook for the menfolk just because I am female pisses me off, too. Again, I have no problems cooking for my bf, because I love him, and because he takes care of me in his own ways. I do have problems being expected to cook for a man I barely know as well, just because of my gender.

 

You are reading way to much into this. In many houses one or the other of the spouses cook. In their house it happens to be her. Again she is probably trying to include you. It just so happens that you don't have a penis.

 

I told the bf to tell them that I wasn't feeling well and couldn't come. I know it's pretty discourteous to do that myself, since the dinner is tomorrow, but I feel that discourteous people don't deserve courtesy themselves. Will not be accepting invitations from that person in the future.

 

That is probably for the best. You do not seem to mesh with their plans.

 

Am I overreacting?

 

I have to say yes.

[Els]

Thanks for the responses, guys. It's interesting that they seem to be split neatly down the middle, regardless of gender - which is an unusual thing in LS. Quite an achievement, I must say.

 

I just wanted to clarify the context that I know this girl and her husband in, to put this request into perspective. We had already met exactly once before with them, and she left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth to be honest. She had never, ever invited my bf to dinner before, despite working in his hospital for a few years now - but a few days ago she invited us out because she wanted to take advice from him, because she was in trouble. Bf told her that we had no transport so it may be difficult to get to her, and it was winter (cold and dark at dinnertime). Instead of offering to pick us up, she simply said 'come and we'll send you back'.

 

So we went, and she spent most of the conversation milking as much advice as she could from him. That's okay, I guess. That was also when they popped the invitation to come see their house. When the bill came, we split it 50/50, despite the fact that the bf and I had ordered 1 dish between us and they had ordered 2, and that we had come for the express purpose of my bf helping her out. She also told us, not very apologetically, JUST as we were all standing to go: "Oh, we had forgotten to bring our four-seater car, so we can't really fetch you back." So basically, we had to walk all the way there for my bf to give her advice, pay more than our share, and walk all the way back. The bf is very easygoing and doesn't mind, and I don't really care either, but it leaves an impression of the person. Perhaps this impression colored my opinion of her subsequent request.

 

Also, yes, I would have been included in ALL the prep had I accepted. She had intended to pick us up on the way back from work, so she would not have been able to do anything prior.

 

Regardless, the bf says he had messaged her already about me being unwell when I asked him, so that's mostly done. Frankly, I do not feel too guilty about it, especially given the above context. The bf is also fine with me not going, so that isn't an issue. I am cheekily tempted to issue a reverse invitation, "Hey, sorry I could not make it. Would you and your husband like to come over to our place next week instead? Your husband and my bf could trim our hedges and have some guy time, while you could help me vacuum the place and have some girl time. :laugh:", but I think I'll refrain from that.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Elswyth

[january2011]

Given the new information, I'm not surprised that you wouldn't relish spending any giggly girly time with her. She sounds like a taker and a user, beyond what might seem "normal" even in the most traditional cultures.

 

You are well out of it. Thankfully, your BF will not be working there for much longer and you can then assign her attempts at "friendship" to the scrapheap.

[Els]

But I would never expect them to help because I went to cooking school and tend to do most of the stuff by myself...

 

I think the difference to me here is expectation vs offering. I would freely offer, but I dislike the host expecting help. To me, if I invite people over, I expect to do all the work. If anyone offers to help, it is a bonus, but if they don't offer, that's fine as well, because they are my guests. I don't make the offer on their behalf.

 

For me yes it is rude to ask someone to help but it is also rude not to offer to help. I throw several dinner parties a year and the worst one was for my husband friend and his new gf. She was so rude. I ended up feeling like a waitress rather than a hostess. I totally sucked.

 

If both of them did not help, why is she the only rude one?

[IcedEarth]

Expecting a guest to cook is rude. If the guest offers, it's fine obviously.

 

I once was at someone's house when I was a teenager, and the host (my mother's friend) told me to wash the dishes.

 

I'm not kidding either, maybe it's because he was a high ranking Naval officer, but he wanted me, a kid and guest, to wash his dishes. At his house.

 

He also yelled at me and his own child for having the TV volume "too loud" when it was so low we had to sit with our ears on the speakers.

[Taramere]

I just wanted to clarify the context that I know this girl and her husband in, to put this request into perspective. We had already met exactly once before with them, and she left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth to be honest. She had never, ever invited my bf to dinner before, despite working in his hospital for a few years now - but a few days ago she invited us out because she wanted to take advice from him, because she was in trouble. Bf told her that we had no transport so it may be difficult to get to her, and it was winter (cold and dark at dinnertime). Instead of offering to pick us up, she simply said 'come and we'll send you back'.

 

So we went, and she spent most of the conversation milking as much advice as she could from him. That's okay, I guess. That was also when they popped the invitation to come see their house. When the bill came, we split it 50/50, despite the fact that the bf and I had ordered 1 dish between us and they had ordered 2, and that we had come for the express purpose of my bf helping her out. She also told us, not very apologetically, JUST as we were all standing to go: "Oh, we had forgotten to bring our four-seater car, so we can't really fetch you back." So basically, we had to walk all the way there for my bf to give her advice, pay more than our share, and walk all the way back. The bf is very easygoing and doesn't mind, and I don't really care either, but it leaves an impression of the person. Perhaps this impression colored my opinion of her subsequent request.

 

That puts a totally different complexion on it. I'm not surprised you feel as you do, E. Think you're wise to give her a wide berth.

[Radu]

Thanks for the responses, guys. It's interesting that they seem to be split neatly down the middle, regardless of gender - which is an unusual thing in LS. Quite an achievement, I must say.

 

I just wanted to clarify the context that I know this girl and her husband in, to put this request into perspective. We had already met exactly once before with them, and she left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth to be honest. She had never, ever invited my bf to dinner before, despite working in his hospital for a few years now - but a few days ago she invited us out because she wanted to take advice from him, because she was in trouble. Bf told her that we had no transport so it may be difficult to get to her, and it was winter (cold and dark at dinnertime). Instead of offering to pick us up, she simply said 'come and we'll send you back'.

 

So we went, and she spent most of the conversation milking as much advice as she could from him. That's okay, I guess. That was also when they popped the invitation to come see their house. When the bill came, we split it 50/50, despite the fact that the bf and I had ordered 1 dish between us and they had ordered 2, and that we had come for the express purpose of my bf helping her out. She also told us, not very apologetically, JUST as we were all standing to go: "Oh, we had forgotten to bring our four-seater car, so we can't really fetch you back." So basically, we had to walk all the way there for my bf to give her advice, pay more than our share, and walk all the way back. The bf is very easygoing and doesn't mind, and I don't really care either, but it leaves an impression of the person. Perhaps this impression colored my opinion of her subsequent request.

 

Also, yes, I would have been included in ALL the prep had I accepted. She had intended to pick us up on the way back from work, so she would not have been able to do anything prior.

 

Regardless, the bf says he had messaged her already about me being unwell when I asked him, so that's mostly done. Frankly, I do not feel too guilty about it, especially given the above context. The bf is also fine with me not going, so that isn't an issue. I am cheekily tempted to issue a reverse invitation, "Hey, sorry I could not make it. Would you and your husband like to come over to our place next week instead? Your husband and my bf could trim our hedges and have some guy time, while you could help me vacuum the place and have some girl time. :laugh:", but I think I'll refrain from that.

 

You said this girl is in the West for just 6yrs, and comes from China ?

Tbh, i'm not surprised.

Would have been good to include this information.

[hotgurl]

Thanks for the responses, guys. It's interesting that they seem to be split neatly down the middle, regardless of gender - which is an unusual thing in LS. Quite an achievement, I must say.

 

I just wanted to clarify the context that I know this girl and her husband in, to put this request into perspective. We had already met exactly once before with them, and she left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth to be honest. She had never, ever invited my bf to dinner before, despite working in his hospital for a few years now - but a few days ago she invited us out because she wanted to take advice from him, because she was in trouble. Bf told her that we had no transport so it may be difficult to get to her, and it was winter (cold and dark at dinnertime). Instead of offering to pick us up, she simply said 'come and we'll send you back'.

 

So we went, and she spent most of the conversation milking as much advice as she could from him. That's okay, I guess. That was also when they popped the invitation to come see their house. When the bill came, we split it 50/50, despite the fact that the bf and I had ordered 1 dish between us and they had ordered 2, and that we had come for the express purpose of my bf helping her out. She also told us, not very apologetically, JUST as we were all standing to go: "Oh, we had forgotten to bring our four-seater car, so we can't really fetch you back." So basically, we had to walk all the way there for my bf to give her advice, pay more than our share, and walk all the way back. The bf is very easygoing and doesn't mind, and I don't really care either, but it leaves an impression of the person. Perhaps this impression colored my opinion of her subsequent request.

 

Also, yes, I would have been included in ALL the prep had I accepted. She had intended to pick us up on the way back from work, so she would not have been able to do anything prior.

 

Regardless, the bf says he had messaged her already about me being unwell when I asked him, so that's mostly done. Frankly, I do not feel too guilty about it, especially given the above context. The bf is also fine with me not going, so that isn't an issue. I am cheekily tempted to issue a reverse invitation, "Hey, sorry I could not make it. Would you and your husband like to come over to our place next week instead? Your husband and my bf could trim our hedges and have some guy time, while you could help me vacuum the place and have some girl time. :laugh:", but I think I'll refrain from that.

 

well taking this into account I would say her suggestion was not friendly let chat etc... I don't blame you for not going she sound like a rude user.

[hotgurl]

Expecting a guest to cook is rude. If the guest offers, it's fine obviously.

 

I once was at someone's house when I was a teenager, and the host (my mother's friend) told me to wash the dishes.

 

I'm not kidding either, maybe it's because he was a high ranking Naval officer, but he wanted me, a kid and guest, to wash his dishes. At his house.

 

He also yelled at me and his own child for having the TV volume "too loud" when it was so low we had to sit with our ears on the speakers.

 

well sometimes I think teens are a little different. wouldn't expect you to do the dished but I would expect you to clear you plate and offer to help.

[Emilia]

I just wanted to clarify the context that I know this girl and her husband in, to put this request into perspective. We had already met exactly once before with them, and she left a slightly bitter taste in my mouth to be honest. She had never, ever invited my bf to dinner before, despite working in his hospital for a few years now - but a few days ago she invited us out because she wanted to take advice from him, because she was in trouble. Bf told her that we had no transport so it may be difficult to get to her, and it was winter (cold and dark at dinnertime). Instead of offering to pick us up, she simply said 'come and we'll send you back'.

 

So we went, and she spent most of the conversation milking as much advice as she could from him. That's okay, I guess. That was also when they popped the invitation to come see their house. When the bill came, we split it 50/50, despite the fact that the bf and I had ordered 1 dish between us and they had ordered 2, and that we had come for the express purpose of my bf helping her out. She also told us, not very apologetically, JUST as we were all standing to go: "Oh, we had forgotten to bring our four-seater car, so we can't really fetch you back." So basically, we had to walk all the way there for my bf to give her advice, pay more than our share, and walk all the way back. The bf is very easygoing and doesn't mind, and I don't really care either, but it leaves an impression of the person. Perhaps this impression colored my opinion of her subsequent request.

 

 

So she was born and raised in a developing country being used to take anything she can get from other people. Avoid.