Inviting a guest to your house - and expecting them to cook?

[Els]

So, recently the bf and I received an invitation to dinner at his female colleague's house. Bf asked me about it and I was fine with it, even though I didn't know them very well. What could go wrong, right?

 

Wrong.

 

Today she messaged him with something like: "Great! Elswyth can help me with the cooking, and you and my husband can have some guy time together. :)"

 

Am I wrong with feeling immensely annoyed at her?

 

1) I feel it's extremely discourteous to invite someone over for dinner, have them agree, and then expect them to help you cook. I don't have problems offering to help. I do have problems with the host expecting the guest to help and even stating her expectations and volunteering on my behalf. Especially if you barely know her.

 

2) Being expected to cook for the menfolk just because I am female pisses me off, too. Again, I have no problems cooking for my bf, because I love him, and because he takes care of me in his own ways. I do have problems being expected to cook for a man I barely know as well, just because of my gender.

 

I told the bf to tell them that I wasn't feeling well and couldn't come. I know it's pretty discourteous to do that myself, since the dinner is tomorrow, but I feel that discourteous people don't deserve courtesy themselves. Will not be accepting invitations from that person in the future.

 

Am I overreacting? I swear I have invited friends over to my place lots, and never ONCE have I ever stated my expectations of my guests helping me. Sometimes if they are close friends it is understood, but acquaintances? Eurgh.

[Silly_Girl]

On the one hand, I don't think you should read too much in to it... if she was already planning to cook she may think that you 'helping' will be a nice chance to get to know each other better. That may well be her making an effort... being nice.

 

However, I would totally resent the assumption (provided there is one) that you, because you're female, should be cooking. How about your bf replies with 'Elswyth says us menfolk should be doing the catering!! We can fight that out on the night ' or something similar? I would definitely want to make the point, in your shoes.

 

As for expecting guests to help. No, no, no. Not in my world. In fact my best friend and I had a little squabble because I wanted to pay my son and his friend to help out at our recent BBQ because I knew otherwise I'd be run ragged and not get to spend time with anyone. My friend's answer was "I'll help out, your sister can do some cooking, B always helps clear up, other people can help with the rolls etc..." and it really riled me. If I invite someone I invite them to be my guest and enjoy themselves. A lot of people did help, but there was no obligation or necessity.

[Radu]

Yes, i think you are overreacting a bit.

 

I think she said it somewhat as a joke, but not sure.

 

I would have gone there, but had a deal with bf to try to check in from time to time, and 'help' you with stuff in the kitchen.

 

If she was dead-serious, and it sucked, you can always be sick in the future.

[Els]

Radu: The bf is positive that she is serious. He says she doesn't joke. LOL. He offered to take my place, but that would not change any of the discourtesy, so I would rather not.

 

SG: I know, right? It's true that I could be reading too much into it. But it just stuck into my craw the wrong way the first time I heard it.

[Radu]

I still think you should go.

 

And this comes from the guy who likes to stay in the kitchen on parties or when food is prepared, to help.

I was told it's 'womanly', and ppl are often making fun of me for that preference.

I don't care.

[CarrieT]

I think you are WAY over reacting.

 

In her mind - since she is probably doing the cooking for the party - having you in the kitchen with her is an opportunity for one-on-one, girl bonding time. And that is charming and inclusive which you missed out on.

 

The fact that you hate and/or don't like to cook might not have crossed her mind. She worded it in a way that was warm and inviting to HER - as it would have been for someone like me - and you misconstrued it as work or a chore.

 

I think you are being incredibly discourteous and rude and instead could have replied, "I'm happy to hang out in the kitchen to get acquainted, but am not really comfortable cooking so I'll just watch."

 

Play nicey-nice and reciprocate the hospitality.

[denise_xo]

The women cooking for the men bit is ridiculous. I'd never expect a guest to help me cook, either. I do sometimes invite friends over for 'cooking together', but that's when we really know each other well and both understand that part of the point of socialising is making a meal together.

 

In general, I like SG's approach.

[quankanne]

I'm with Carrie ~ sounds like this is her way of ensuring girl-bonding time while the men get their chance to boy-bond. I don't think she's being a jerk or a sexist, just possibly assuming that cooking is something you enjoy.

 

swallow any bad feelings and spend time with her ~ even if you don't cook, it's always nice having someone there with you keeping you company!

[Els]

Radu: That's sweet of you. Shame on anyone who disparages you for that. I would have offered to help, too. It's being 'expected' to help that gets my goat.

 

Carrie and quank: Thanks for the response. I appreciate it, but I still don't agree with it. Cooking IS a chore, there are no two ways around it - it can be a chore that you enjoy, but it still is one. Inviting a guest to cook with you for your party would be equivalent to her husband inviting my bf to come over and paint his fence with him for 'guy-time'. Somehow I don't really see that flying.

 

She also made it fairly clear that she needs and expects help with the meal, based on the other texts. It isn't just an invitation for 'bonding', so my bf would still need to help her even if I 'hung out in the kitchen to keep her company'.

 

Denise: I agree completely. It's a different thing if you are close to the person and know that you both enjoy cooking.

[january2011]

It sounds like a slight culture clash to me.

 

From past experience, I think that people tend to fall into two camps when it comes to guests: those who expect guests to treat their hosts' home as their own (including rolling up their sleeves and helping out with 'chores' and those who want guests to be guests (aka sit politely, be gracious in accepting hospitality, make amiable but superficial small talk).

 

I tend to fall into the latter camp but have been dragged kicking and screaming into the former camp due to bad experiences where I sat politely but was disparaged afterwards for not rolling up my sleeves.

 

I think that you need to find a solution where the bare minimum is that you don't make your boyfriend's work life hard (i.e., by upsetting his work colleague). And if the meal is going to be so involved that she, "needs and expects help," perhaps you can meet for dinner instead and that way she won't have to make this huge effort to cook and you won't feel obligated to do something that you dislike out of politeness.

[denise_xo]

It sounds like a slight culture clash to me.

 

I agree.

 

Elswyth, I read the OP a bit quickly the first time around and didn't really pay attention to the fact that you were planning to decline - in your place, I would go and not make too much of a fuss just out of respect for the peace at your bf's workplace, since you have already accepted the invitation. Then decline subsequent invitations if the experience is too annoying. But give it a chance.

[Emilia]

I'm in two minds about this. I would be annoyed too just like the OP but would probably go. Maybe for the last time but would. I don't like this split either, not so much because it clearly defines gender roles but because there is no guarantee that the woman is interesting enough to be stuck with in the kitchen.

 

She must feel she is comfortable enough with you OP to make such request. It's not going to be the most fun evening of your life but it won't kill you either.

[Els]

January: I would be slightly more agreeable with the 'treating guests as one of their own' bit if it had not been gender-segregated, to be honest. The bf also said that he thinks that it is a culture clash - but one of traditional culture (in gatherings, the women always cook and the men hang around and wait to be served). We are of the same race as her, but frankly this tradition is almost foreign to me, having grown up in the city in the late 20th century. My grandparents do that (and even THEN, only with close relatives, acquaintance guests are never expected to help, male or female), but with most of my friends and current generation it is far more gender-neutral. I was not expecting a woman her age (she is close to our age) to abide by it and, worse, to expect others to abide by it.

 

They had specifically wanted us to come and see their new house, hence the dinner in. I could suggest that we just call takeaway or do something simple, but I think that would sound insulting to her dinner plans, no? Although I really do not see why she would plan a dinner and invite people to something that she would require help to make.

 

Denise: You and january are right, I should have done that, now that I think about it. After all, it is just one evening. I'm not sure if the bf has contacted her yet, and he's asleep for now. I'll find out tomorrow. Fortunately they don't really work together (they are colleagues but working in different departments) and the bf will be moving to another workplace soon, so regardless the fallout, if any, is bound to be minimal.

 

Emilia: That is weird, if she did. We have literally only met once, and she spent most of that time talking to my bf about work-related stuff.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Elswyth

[Emilia]

Hm, maybe she feels she should have made more of an effort last time.. who knows. I do get why you are feeling so annoyed.

[Taramere]

Yeah...I'd just go with the flow, Elswyth. Although I can appreciate the annoyance about the "women in the kitchen" in some ways you might be better off than your boyfriend is, stuck in a room with somebody he doesn't really know and trying to make conversation. At least if you find that you don't have much in common with this woman conversationally, there will be an activity to focus on. Between the two different scenarios, given the choice I'd pick the cooking one.

 

I think you're in NZ now? We lived there for a year when I was a kid. I remember my parents being invited to some party where it said "bring a plate" on the invitation. My parents assumed they were short of plates, and brought some along - not realising that the implication was "bring a plate - with food on it".

[Els]

Emilia: Nod. Thanks.

 

Tara: We do live in NZ, but the woman has just recently migrated here from China. And ROFL, your poor parents. I have been to 'bring a plate' functions and am fine with them, though. Interestingly enough, most of the Kiwi women I know would have been quite taken aback by her expectations (I spoke to a few friends about it, and their response was: "What?? How strange!"). The Kiwis are generally quite egalitarian.

 

The guys intend to play video games. Which I ironically play too, and much prefer them to cooking, but that does not matter because I am a woman.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Elswyth

[denise_xo]

My parents assumed they were short of plates, and brought some along - not realising that the implication was "bring a plate - with food on it".

 

:laugh:

[denise_xo]

...but the woman has just recently migrated here from China.

 

Would that account for the women in the kitchen perspective?

[Els]

Would that account for the women in the kitchen perspective?

 

Possibly. When I say 'recently', I mean more than 6 years ago though. That's even longer than I've been here, so she would have known how things are usually done around here.

[Radu]

Possibly. When I say 'recently', I mean more than 6 years ago though. That's even longer than I've been here, so she would have known how things are usually done around here.

 

 

It's hard to bypass cultural programming.

 

You could have been her friend in the kitchen.

[Els]

It's hard to bypass cultural programming.

 

You could have been her friend in the kitchen.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with sticking to your own cultural values, but I do think there is something wrong with immediately expecting others to follow them. A (hypothetical) example that comes to mind immediately would be if they invited us to dinner out, and after the meal her husband stands up and says to my bf, "C'mon, bro, lets go pay." You are right, though, that she was probably doing what she feels is natural.

[tman666]

While it's not my style to invite people over and then put them to work, I've been in a couple of situations like this myself (where I was being put to work without being asked prior).

 

Instead of getting worked up about it, I've found that if you bring a bottle of wine, and just get down to business with the wine drinking, chopping/slicing/grating/cooking, and socializing, it can actually be a fun way to get to know new people.

 

I kind of agree with you that the weird part here is the notion that the guys can go play video games while the "wimmenz" do the "woman work". I dunno. Definitely a little weird, but again, I'd try not to get too worked up.

 

To sum it up: bring wine.

[Els]

How interesting that you mention it. We'd already bought wine to bring, before we heard of this.

 

I think what I'll do is just find out tomorrow if the bf has told her that I'm not feeling well yet. If he has, well, that train has passed, there'll be others. If he hasn't, I'll do what y'all suggested.

[SpiralOut]

I would just say that I'd rather not cook but that I don't mind keeping her company. And maybe say that you'll make dinner for them sometime when they can come over.

[CarrieT]

Elswyth - I really hope you will "feel better" and decide to go.

 

I'm really surprised by the idea that there is so much animosity towards the idea of the "wimmenz work" of the kitchen. At my parties, the kitchen is the happen' place where the cool people hang out and cooking is far from a chore, but where the most fun is had.

 

Maybe because I'm in a food-and-wine centered culture, but parties in Northern California are centered around the sharing and preparation of food and wine.

 

I'm appalled to think I might have ever invited someone to my home who would consider me rude or discourteous by helping in the kitchen just never dawned on me. But I would never expect them to help because I went to cooking school and tend to do most of the stuff by myself... But my next-door-neighbor also went to cooking school and there are evenings where we just walk into each others kitchens and help out where we can.

 

Consider not only the culture clash that is being written about here, but the social disparities from someone like me for whom food and wine is an avenue of giving, sharing, and getting to know someone. It is done with love as I give great thought to what is going to be served, how it will taste, etc.