uncherished Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 DH and I have been together almost 12 years. We had a huge fight several weeks ago, but tried to work it out by discussing each others' needs and promising to try to fulfill those. His need was to feel more wanted through more sexual attention. I happily agreed and obliged - to the point that he even asked for a day off. He was glad about the attention he was getting, just physically worn out. My need was to to feel more wanted through receiving more romantic attention. I got the bare minimum in return and only once - cheap, marked-down, half-wilted flowers. I thanked him for everything anyway, gracious and approving on the outside like all the advice tells you to be and kept it that way so as not to rock the boat, though still grumbling inside because to me romance is not something you buy. It is something you do. I want just once a big romantic gesture - woo me, wow me. He knows this because I have been requesting it since we got married. He acts like I'm asking to have his nails ripped out and that he has no clue what to do, but here's the deal: I know he has romantic tendencies and he does in fact know what to do bcs he has made some very huge romantic gestures in past relationships-love songs, open public declarations of love, love letters, etc. When we were dating he told me, his friends have told me, even an ex-gf told me of his romantic prowess. Every past story assured me that I was getting that same guy. But, no, not once have I received a truly romantic gesture - you-are-my-woman-and-I-love-you-deeply type thing that he did in the past relationships. Not even a measly compliment in 12 years! If I gave a suggestion on what to do, he would follow it to the letter with no special extras or consideration. I've done this with other things so I know how it goes-just an appeasement, not heart felt. And the heart has to be in it for romance. I've given him romantic gestures, thinking he'd catch on, but to no avail. I praise him for every little thing he does, still nothing. I've gone complete text book on everything you're supposed to do to wake up the romantic in your husband to no affect. Instead last night, he goes from physically-gratified husband to snarling nit-pick about some housework, and I snapped. I let it loose and told him I've been supportive of his needs but have not had my needs met at all. Instantly, I'm the bad person for not appreciating his "effort" and his half-dead flowers were his way of "trying". Well, he "tried" and put a lot more "effort" into other relationships, but I get the broke-down, whatever version. Now he's angry at me and won't speak to me at all. Somehow my expectation of true reciprocation is just the worst possible thing to ask of him. When I've broken the silences between us before, he takes it as me giving in and I just don't care to "give in" this time. It's about time I got chased for once. How does this get fixed? And why was romance so easy for him to give other women who never had to ask for it, but not for me?
Got it Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 What if you went to therapy and had a marriage counselor try and work through it with you guys? I don't think your needs are unreasonable and I do not think "trying" is good enough. You are not unreasonable and he needs to step up. It isn't rocket science. But if that is all he can do, then that is it and it is either accept or leave. But it is easy to get into a tit and tat and sometimes having a neutral third party can help explain things in a different light.
Author uncherished Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Thank you. I don't think he's interested in counseling. He much rather prove that he is right than admit he needs to stand up. Typical of him, really. Besides he refuses to talk to me right now for me to even suggest it. This time I'm being hard-headed too in refusing to break the silence. He'll take it as me giving in and just go about his merry way still neglecting my needs.
Author uncherished Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 So, I found an article that spells out exactly what a woman wants romantically. It states things so much more eloquently than I could explain to my husband myself. Examples- 1. Don't just buy her flowers. Anyone can do that. Buy her favorite flowers and then surprise her by whisking her away to a nice dinner. Make a grand gesture that is devoted solely to her. 2. Pay attention and show that you care. Romance is not empty gestures. 3. Make her feel beautiful. Give her compliments. She will appreciate it and give you rewards in return. ...and it goes on. Should I print this out and leave it for him to read, or will this just further escalate the problems?
Got it Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I would sit down with him and tell him that going to meet with someone is very important to you. You are not happy with the state of affairs and would like to making things better. Talking to a therapist will help you relate/communicate with him better and vice versa. You have thought long and hard on it and this is something that is very important for you. Out of love for you, is he willing to give it a try? You know he doesn't like the idea so you know asking for this is a lot but you know he loves you and has done a great job of supporting you in the past. Finding someone that works well with him is very important to you so it is very much a partnership and you guys will interview therapist until you find the right one. Thank him for listening and considering it and you love him and appreciate the support. And see what he does. You can't force someone to go but if you lay out it that it is for him to help you, that you aren't going necessarily to "fix" him but to help you as well, he may be more open to it. I learned with my ex husband I am going to ask nicely and I am going to clearly lay out what is vital for me. If he chooses not to do it, ignores it, etc than that speaks loudly how much he loves and cares for me. That his is choice, he is free to make it, but I will have choices to make as well. Hopefully he will be open to doing it.
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