DraytonSawyer Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 My wife and I seem to be deadlocked about this so I'd love to hear what some unbiased observers think. I'll try to cover the back story without rambling... Wife had a career in the past and made a good living in a field where jobs are not difficult to get if you're good, which she is. We decided to have a child, and had a daughter, who has special needs. Our daughter goes to therapy 3-4 times per week and also has doctor appointments more frequently than most children (1-2 a month). My wife wanted to quit her job so that she could care for our daughter full-time. I agreed, on the condition that if things got rough, she would go back to work. Well...things got rough. So much that I am doing side work, in addition to the 40-50 hours I put in at my full time job. Even with me working 60+ hours a week, it's not enough. We have fallen behind on bills, and to make matters worse, she wants to travel to expensive medical conferences to learn about our daughter's condition. Often we have to borrow money to buy groceries or gas, which I hate. Through all of this, she refuses to go back to work. We can't pay our bills or buy food for our family, but she claims that working would just be too much for her. We split the housework, and I certainly get as much daddy-daughter time as I can (and would love to have more), but she would still rather have me working 60+ hours per week, than get a one day a week job. Honestly I think she has fallen in love with the "stay-at-home-mom" role, and just doesn't want to work. I don't feel it's unreasonable to ask her to work part-time considering that we are in a really bad place, and I am already doing as much as I can. Am I being unreasonable? We have gone back and forth about this for a while now and never get anywhere.
denise_xo Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 No, you are not being unreasonable at all. What exact reasons is she giving for not wanting to work? What does 'too much' mean here? Practically, how would she juggle your daughter's health care and a job?
january2011 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. But I don't think she is being unreasonable either, especially since what she does may be considered a full-time role, albeit she doesn't get much financial compensation for it. It is not about who is right and who is wrong. You need to pull together as a team and get yourselves out of this. The reality of the situation is that what you're both doing now is not sustainable, so your wife needs to meet you halfway. You need to agree on a solution that "works" for you both. There can't be any half measures. I would suggest that travelling to expensive medical conferences is the first thing that has to go - groceries, gas and other bills are much more important. Struggling to pay for the necessities like food on the table means that you are both in dire straits and your wife needs to understand that your both going to have to make some hard decisions. If you've not done so already, I'd get a spreadsheet together of your weekly, monthly and annual income and outgoings so that she can see it in black and white. Having said that, your wife going back to work may or may not be the only solution. You also need to investigate alternatives to bringing in more money - alternatives that don't require you to do massive amounts of overtime. 1
Author DraytonSawyer Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 If she were to work one day a week, it would have to be Saturday or Sunday. Our daughter has appointments Mon-Thur. She could work Friday but I also work so we would need daycare, which is another expense we couldn't afford. Basically her argument is that she does so much during the week, that she needs to have a couple of days off. Plus that is when we have the majority of our family time, since the weekdays are very busy for me. I can't argue with that, and again I don't want to discount what she does because it is a lot. I just don't agree that she does SO MUCH that she NEEDS two whole days to recover. I work my ass off too, and when the weekend comes around, I still have to work. But when I bring it up, she makes me feel like I ask soooo much of her already and she already does so much for the family.
Els Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Can you help out with the daughter's therapy appointments and other health-related concerns if your wife goes back to work? That seems to be the major point of contention from her view, to me.
Author DraytonSawyer Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Maybe I shouldn't have put it that way...people do deserve days off after a hard week of work. And I agree that it is like a full time job without the pay. We communicate a lot about it, we know things need to be cut out and we need to make hard decisions. But getting a job is always off the table to my wife. I really think it's just a matter of not wanting to do it, as opposed to not being able to.
january2011 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 If she really is opposed to an actual job, what about looking for alternative ways for her to bring in money, cut costs or increase savings? Even some pocket money for incidentals or Amazon vouchers would help a little. As much as she needs her rest, neither of you can afford her not doing anything at all.
Krytie TV Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Because we have gone through this, albeit with twins and not a child with special needs, I have to ask. Have you sat down and truly thought about what it is you spend your money and and decide what is not necessary? I have no idea how much you are paying out-of-pocket for your child's needs, but I think the question has to be asked. Before getting married, my fiancee and I sat down and had a tough talk about what we had and what we could do without. We lived what we considered to be a modest life without many frills. However, after sitting down and talking about it we were able to make significant changes. Selling my Jeep saved $350/mo. Ditching smartphone packages another $240. Do you go out a lot? Drink? Smoke? Is it time to make some good life decisions in those areas? In the end, we went from ~$3800 monthly expenditures to ~$2100 without making our life any worse. I know you likely see this as an issue largely based in principle, but given the nature of your situation and the needs of your child, I thought it might be worth it for you to analyze your situation with an eye toward the common good. Hve you two been honest with yourselves regarding your expenses yet? 1
darkmoon Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 (edited) DraytonSawyer have you discussed how much of the housework you will do so that your wife, if she works, will not have the two obligations of home-maker and wage-earner while you have the easier just one obligation of wage-earner? Edited August 28, 2012 by darkmoon
denise_xo Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I think you need to put the following things into writing: 1) write down all the hours both of you spend every week on - paid work - house work - child care 2) make a detailed budget of all income and expenses 1) should be able to create a point of departure for discussing how the shared responsibility of both income generation and other chores is distributed, and could potentially be re-distributed. Either of you may not realise how many hours the other person puts in. 2) should help her realise that expensive conference participation probably isn't on the top of your list right now, could possibly motive her to generate some extra income, and might also help you review your expenses and cut down on things you strictly don't need. Then you have a more 'objective' point of departure for discussion, rather than the more vague 'I work a lot every week' which I'm sure both of you do. As for her being tired: I can sympathise somewhat with that, but I think that if bills and groceries can't get paid, she should at least attempt to step up in a time of need. At the very least, she should give it a try. 2
pink_sugar Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 You are definitely not being unreasonable. Unless you both have the means for one of you to stay at home to care for your daughter, you both need to make ends meet to put food on the table. I know how hard it is to be the only one with an income and to be scraping by. I would suggest you sit down and have a long discussion about this. You need to say gently but firmly that you feel all the pressure is on your shoulders right now, being the one with the primary source of income. You need to explain to her that putting food on the table and keeping a roof over both your heads will require both of you to work at this point to make a living. Not all the pressure should have to be on you. 2
maybealone Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I don't understand how things can be so bad that you have to borrow money to buy food and that you didn't see this coming when she quit her job. That said, I don't think you are being unreasonable. My suggestion would be to create a budget together, and to discuss priorities while doing it. Also, if there is a way for her to work a couple evenings a week maybe that could be an alternative. Yes, it would be hard to work after taking care of your daughter all day but it would keep weekends free for family time, which I can totally understand her wanting to keep that as a priority. Also, if you have sick time at work maybe you can take over some appointments to give her more time when she goes back to work. Just based on what you have said here, this seems like a power struggle and lack of communication are getting in the way of what is best for the family. 1
pink_sugar Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Although my husband and I are both working, we still had way too many expenses, credit card debt, car payments and we will have school loans to pay off in a year and a half. Bottom line is we wanted to cut back on unnecessary expenses so we aren't scraping by and can have a little extra cash to do something nice together from time to time. And hence moving into a cheaper apartment that cut costs by $300 a month. We're also selling our 4yr old car that we are making payments on to buy a 10 year old car in full so we no longer have to worry about $280 each month. My mom was giving me a lecture about used vehicles not being reliable, but there is PLENTY of time for us to by another new car when we are financially stable with better paying jobs. He also will get health insurance soon so that's another $200 savings, which is $780 in total in savings each month by cutting down costs. Insurance and registration will also be cheaper with an older vehicle. Also we're only having internet for $30 a month...no tv or landline. We're feeling much more in control about our finances than we did before. 1
carhill Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Part of her job as a SAHM is managing the families finances to live within its means. Essentially, you have a 'traditional' M with a special needs child. OK, go with that. Her 'pay' in this case is the freedom from employment to focus completely on the family. Accept that she doesn't want to go back to paid work. That's a choice. It has consequences. Primary amongst them is the focus on the family and any adjustment in lifestyle which your single income indicates, regardless of expansion or contraction. As the household manager, she works with what is in front of her. If she refuses to accept the consequences of her choices, she has de-facto abandoned the team, just as you would if you refused to work some 'extra' like you are now to contribute more to the family. Each of you has your responsibilities and your own choices and your own consequences of those choices. My opinion, having seen this a lot over the decades and having had a sterling example of a household manager as a role model, is that a lifestyle adjustment, albeit a bit painful, is something which will become necessary. If necessary, take the lead and make the changes unilaterally if negotiation/synergistic effort fails. In other words, get used to your wife being mad at you. Good luck.
eleanorrigby Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Would your wife be willing to do some work at home jobs? There's pretty good to great money to be made at home depending on what a person is willing to do. And she could make her own schedule. 1
pteromom Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I don't know what your child's special needs are, but if she has 3-4 appointments a WEEK, how is your wife supposed to work and go to all these appointments? Also, how much stress your wife encounters during her time at home with your child depends on what the special need is. I have friends who are in her position and they work MUCH harder with making sure their children are doing their best mentally and physically than they would at a job. Does your child go to school? If so, perhaps your wife could get a PT job at the school. If not, who would care for your child while your wife was working? I think being a SAHM is a wonderful thing, and ESPECIALLY if your child has special needs and requires more hands-on parenting. But something has to give, right? Has your wife looked at any other ways to bring in some money? Could she watch another child or two in your home? Is she crafty/artistic at all where she could sell items or services to other mothers? What about other sales - Avon, Scentsy, that kind of stuff. I think you guys need to work together and be creative to find a solution that works for both of you - and ESPECIALLY for your child. 2
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I have TWO special needs kids. One with Autism and one with Aspergers. It is draining, both mentally and physically to be the one who does all of the doc appointments, deals with therapists and doctors and school. Plus, if your child draws SSI that is another can of worms. Are you expecting her to have a full time, M-F job? Do most housework, ALL of the appointments, AND work full time? Or would one day a week bring in all of this extra money you need. Go over the pros and cons. In our case, it would have COST us more if I worked outside of the home. But I did do a couple of work from home jobs. Work From Home - Work at Home Jobs, Recipes & Articles For Moms - WAHM.com has lots of work at home ideas and links and job postings. I went back to full time work two years ago and DH does part time handyman/home repair work while the kids are at school. I got laid off two months ago, and just now started working this week, once again. I am working from home as a customer service rep for Amazon.com. It pays halfway decent, has benefits and I am off of unemployment so that is a plus. Maybe just cutting down on luxuries, such as smart phones, cable tv, etc would do the trick. Maybe cutting back on conferences. We could not afford to go conferences. So I read books, and looked up information on the internet. Maybe there is a local support group for parents whose children have your child's issues. I don't think you are unreasonable, but I don't think she is totally unreasonable either.
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