So my friend's sister apparently called me a "slut".

[turnera]

Do you over this side honestly feel that a woman who sleeps with a MM is inherently a slut?

Yes. What's your definition? Mine is a person who ignores cultural morals and goes after what she wants without regard to whether she harms other people along the way.

[seren]

I don't like the word slut, have never used it, certainly wouldn't call the OW one, it took two to tango. BUT, I would call her an enabler, a person with different values regarding honesty and fidelity than I, but I would also attach that to my H at that time too.

 

The OW that my H had an A with has gone on to have a number of A's, in my opinion that tells me that her boundaries are different to mine, that she is married, also tells me that she doesn't value truth and honesty in a relationship. Does that make her a slut? not in my book, but knowingly sharing someone I knew was living with, laughing with, sleeping with another, is not within my acceptable behaviour boundaries. I don't do sharing, so I possibly could not understand the mindset of someone who does for any length of time and says they are in love. Sorry, computer says no, for me.

 

You have to live with you and your decisions. If you are happy with your actions then what another says isn't really important. BUT, many people would view extramarital A's as dishonest and label those who have them as sluts, I think in general that applies more to women, men get called other names, I think.

[BetrayedH]

To give you another perspective...

 

My wife had a year-long affair with a married man. There were two children in both families. Whatever I choose to call her, one thing is for sure. Her slutty behavior destroyed two families. Do I care how much they were "in luurve" with each other? Should my kids care? No. She shouldn't have been such a slut.

[alexandria35]

I heard this from someone she works with who knows a friend of mine. The friend doesn't know about my relationship at all, she just said this woman's brother was having an affair and that she said the woman was a slut.

 

I know that it's an ugly word and many will have different definitions. But his sister lies a long way away and knows nothing about my character. All she could ever know is what her brother and his wife (more likely) said. So I think this more generic judgmentalism.

 

Do you over this side honestly feel that a woman who sleeps with a MM is inherently a slut? Or if she's also married? Does nothing else in the case matter to you?

 

I don't understand that kind of simplistic morality.

 

I haven't read the entire thread so I don't know what anyone else has said. I just wanted to say that I have never thought that women in affairs with married men are sluts. I grew up thinking that sluts have sex easily with many men, so to me "slut" is just not the right term to use in the case of an OW because many OW only have sex with their MM and don't sleep around. Even when I meet or hear of someone who does sleep around with many men I still hesitate to use that nasty term because I think women who do that are really hurt and lost.

 

I do see people who have affairs as having something lacking in their character. You say this sister knows nothing of your character. I say if you're having an affair with a married man and the sister knows about it, then she does know something of your character.

[Radu]

 

I do see people who have affairs as having something lacking in their character. You say this sister knows nothing of your character. I say if you're having an affair with a married man and the sister knows about it, then she does know something of your character.

 

That woman probably knows more of her character than her kids and husband do ... which she swore to be loyal to.

[turnera]

I was willing to leave my H for him. I didn't wish any harm to anyone. Why would I be a slut? Is a woman a slut for loving? How medieval is that?

You were willing to rip your husband's heart out so that YOU could be happy. And in the same breath you say you don't WISH to harm anyone.

 

But you DID.

 

The difference between a woman in love and a slut is that the former will withhold from acting on that love because IT'S THE WRONG THING TO DO. The latter will do whatever it takes to MAKE HERSELF HAPPY - no matter who else gets hurt.

 

You SAY you don't want to harm anyone, yet you were incapable of controlling yourself enough to stop it. That is the definition.

 

Why can't you see that?

[turnera]

Don't you think it's much more morally complex? Don't we deserve to try to be happy ourselves or should we just be our spouses slave and ensure their happiness at all costs?

That's a ridiculous, IMMATURE and selfish outlook. If you were so unhappy in your marriage, you would do the HONORABLE thing and divorce him so that he can find someone who will love and want him. Instead, you lied, sneaked, cheated, and harmed.

 

Someone's slave? Puhleaze. Pull out the hankies.

 

No, THAT person does not deserve to be happy. Not THAT way.

 

A mature, ethical person would address the problems in the marriage that they vowed to protect, and FIX those problems or at least attempt to.

[turnera]

their marriage was on the slide long before me or he wouldn't have cheated.

Every cheating man says that to get some nookie on the side. Let me guess: his wife was shrill, unloving, uncaring, selfish, withheld sex, paid him no attention, what else am I forgetting?

[GLDheart]

Coward. Liar. Sneak. Betrayer...

 

The one that insulted you had sooooo many better words available.

 

You're right. She shouldn't have called you a slut.

[AlexCross]

slut [slʌt]

n1. a dirty slatternly woman

2. an immoral woman

 

Id say she wasnt too far off.

 

Source - Merriam Webster Dictionary

[alexandria35]

Don't you think it's much more morally complex? Don't we deserve to try to be happy ourselves or should we just be our spouses slave and ensure their happiness at all costs? Don't you think it is understandable to be torn between wanting each other and wanting to do right by our past commitments? He didn't want to hurt her. He just didn't love her anymore. So he should have just left his own needs unmet? Same goes for me.

 

Ok...working my way through the thread. First of all I think the MM in your particular case did and does love his wife. Maybe he loves selfishly or maybe his head is screwed up but based on everything you have posted I think he loves his wife.

 

As for don't we deserve to be happy? Well of course we all say we deserve to be happy, but nonetheless, life really really sucks sometimes. When I'm going through tough times I don't think being deserving or undeserving of happiness has anything to do with it. Secondly what we think makes us happy or what we deserve isn't always what's good for us. I think I deserve chocolate cake. It makes me happy and I feel good when I eat it, but it's not good for me. I'm not going to be happy when I'm 40 pounds overweight, don't feel attractive and struggle to get my breath going up a few flights of stairs. Sometimes seeing to our happiness and general well being means denying ourselves the things that bring us immediate gratification but hurts us in the longterm.

 

Lastly I've seen you speak a few times about this supposed enslavement to betrayed spouses, ensuring the bs's happiness at all cost you seem to think we advocate. That is crap and nobody here on the boards has ever said anything like that so please quit using that argument to manipulate us. Nobody thinks a spouse should live a life of misery chained to a spouse they don't love. I'm sure you've seen many poster here being told to just be honest and get divorced when they whine about not loving their spouse anymore. A BS doesn't deserve to be held hostage in the marriage by lies and deceit. I advocate for being honest and authentic and there is nothing morally complex about that. People who argue that morals are complex are usually doing something they consider immoral.

[William]

I've read a couple of reports on this thread and will offer this opinion, the official one from moderation:

 

Do not invite inflammatory remarks by posting a thread topic, title and text, which includes them. This throws the door wide open for inflammatory and disrespectful discussion, of which this thread is a prime example. Nothing useful is served by it other than name-calling, which of course is a violation of guidelines.

 

When I search for the word 'slut' here, as well as 'scum', and other pejorative adjectives, I'll expect to see 'no results returned'. Thread closed.