BS who said "go to her then, be happy"...

[MourningLosses]

I know some BS on here say that when they discovered the affair they wished their husband well and said go, be with her. Then they express surprise that he fights to stay.

 

But I wonder if when you did that- it was about manipulating him? I mean sure you were saying do what you want but you didn't say, you don't say- what did *you* want? If you wanted him to stay how would he ever know that? If you didn't want him then why did you let him beg his way back?

 

I am realizing I don't really know what happened on DDay- he says she begged and pleaded and threatened. But what if she said go then? Wouldn't that mean she didn't love him anymore, she wasn't fighting for him?

 

That's what I would do. That's what I thought she would do. I don't understand still loving someone who cheats on you.

 

For me It is about what I want for myself and who I love. A cheating husband wouldn't figure in that.

 

Women who did say go to her if you want... What did you really want?

[Steen719]

You don't say.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[losingmyground]

I know some BS on here say that when they discovered the affair they wished their husband well and said go, be with her. Then they express surprise that he fights to stay.

 

But I wonder if when you did that- it was about manipulating him?

 

Nope! I just sat my ring on his computer with a message that said the choice is yours...her or me? I did not yell or scream. I did not cry in front of him. Just said I know what has been going on. Pick.

 

I mean sure you were saying do what you want but you didn't say, you don't say- what did *you* want?

 

See the above answer.

 

If you wanted him to stay how would he ever know that?

 

He wouldn't have till I knew what he wanted.

 

If you didn't want him then why did you let him beg his way back?

 

He didn't have to beg his way back. He just stayed. He knew that I was serious. It would have "killed" me, but I would want him happy, rather than unhappy and a liar. I would rather him have honor and integrity than stay because we are married.

 

 

I am realizing I don't really know what happened on DDay- he says she begged and pleaded and threatened. But what if she said go then?

 

That would mean you were just a piece of meat. No more, no less. An end to his sexual needs. Or you two have continued on with no remorse.

 

Wouldn't that mean she didn't love him anymore, she wasn't fighting for him?

 

Nope! I had a shattered heart when I found out. I needed to protect it. By allowing him a choice, I new that we stood a chance. But remember this is his first time. There will not be another.

 

 

That's what I would do. That's what I thought she would do. I don't understand still loving someone who cheats on you.

 

To put it in perspective.....he is cheating on you with his wife. Feel great doesn't it. Yet you still want him.

 

For me It is about what I want for myself and who I love. A cheating husband wouldn't figure in that.

 

And yet you are engaging in some sort of relationship with a married man. I am telling you, if his wife is not special, you will not be either.

 

Women who did say go to her if you want... What did you really want?

 

Him to make a choice. I did not want to be in limbo. I am glad that he chose me....absolutely yes. Would I have devastated if he picked her....more than I can explain. But to clarify....I was in the dark to their relationship. You are a willing particpant.

[Spark1111]

I wanted his lying cheating azz out the door as soon as he could pack a bag!

 

I deserved a better man than him, and I refused to be anyone's default choice: not for kids, money, status, our history or legacy.

 

It wasn't so much that he developed feelings for another. While that hurt, we could have separated while he explored his feelings for her, gone to MC to see if there was a marriage worth saving, and I, too, could have dated to see if there was a man out there for me.

 

It was his lying to my face daily that killed me. It was all the excuses he told her and himself about why he couldn't leave YET that was total bs.

 

So I took those excuses right off the table. Be a grown up. Own your choices. That IS what adults do, yes? They don't sneak around like errant teenagers, do they?

 

Go be with her. We will divorce amicably. I make my own money, so I won't need your's. I will encourage our children to treat both you and she with respect.

 

Doubt he ever told her I had given him carte blanche to be with his soul mate. In fact, I made it easy for him.

 

Why did I take him back?

 

He grew up. He changed. He initiated NC with her. He initiated IC for himself. He told me where he was at all times, not that I asked for it. He cried and seemed truly remorseful. He begged.

 

He became a better man, the man I deserved, many months later. I gave R a tentative hesitant chance.

 

Hmmm...wonder if he told her that I was begging, and screaming and pleading.

 

Cuz nothing could have been farther from the truth.

 

Another lie.

[road]

 

I am realizing I don't really know what happened on DDay- he says she begged and pleaded and threatened. But what if she said go then? Wouldn't that mean she didn't love him anymore, she wasn't fighting for him?

 

 

You don't really know what happened?

 

Prior dday you were giving away the milk for free.

 

On dday your OM/WH was caught getting free milk from you.

On that day his BW said no more milk from that dairy for you.

 

In short you are living in denial. Your OM pushed you under the truck. Jumped in behind the wheel. Drove all 18 wheels over you, put in reverse backed up over you and drove over you again.

 

Fact:

 

Statistically, most married men that cheat only want so extra action on the side and have no intention of giving up their life.

 

Men that cheat won't tolerate being cheated on. So why would they dump a faithful wife to marry one that cheats. They cheat with you they will cheat on you has been proven statistically.

 

Please stop living in denial. You were used. Even though you were used you have learned that MM do not make good boyfriends or husbands.

 

Stop selling yourself cheap.

 

You need counseling if you can't see that you let the OM use you.

[NotCamelot]

Maybe it's just my perspective, but it seems that what you describe happens most when the BS is a woman.

 

When I had an A a few years ago, that is exactly what happened. My W told me to leave and go be with her if that is what would make me happy.

 

When I caught my W a few months ago, I called the OM wife and told her. She called me back later that day and said I didn't have to worry about him. She told him, go get her if that's what you want......he called my W and ended it....told her he loved his wife and wanted to stay there.

 

So, from my experience that is something said by the wife. Maybe I'm wrong, I certainly did not tell my W that. That is something I would never say ..... I don't think many or any husbands would.

[Owl]

I guess what I said was a variant of that...

 

I told her "If you go...you can't ever come back.".

 

Was it a form of manipulation? Sure. But I meant it. If she decided to go be with him...there was no coming back to me. I was no longer going to be a part of her life in any fashion, shape, or form.

 

She had a choice...him, OR I. Not both. Not in any way.

 

If she stayed with me...he would no longer be part of her life....IN ANY WAY.

 

If she went to be with him...I would no longer be part of her life...IN ANY WAY.

 

Call it whatever you like. Yes, it was an ultimatum. Emotional manipulation. A threat. A form of blackmail if you like.

 

It worked. I don't regret it one little bit. And neither does she.

[seren]

I know some BS on here say that when they discovered the affair they wished their husband well and said go, be with her. Then they express surprise that he fights to stay.

 

But I wonder if when you did that- it was about manipulating him? I mean sure you were saying do what you want but you didn't say, you don't say- what did *you* want? If you wanted him to stay how would he ever know that? If you didn't want him then why did you let him beg his way back?

 

I didn't need to manipulate my husband, I just needed to know where his head was at. Did he want to be with the OW or not. If he wanted to leave and be with her, then I said I would sort out and untangle our married stuff and he could go to her. What did I want? I wanted the truth, I didn't knowingly share my husband with OW, but when I knew I had been, I needed the truth to make an informed choice. I also needed to know and he needed to know that I don't do sharing the man I love and that if he wanted to stay, that he understood that there would be a lot of hard work before I would know for certain if our marriage was worth saving. My husband knows me well enough to know that if I was unhappy I would say so and if the marriage was bad enough that I wanted to walk, then I would.

 

I am realizing I don't really know what happened on DDay- he says she begged and pleaded and threatened. But what if she said go then? Wouldn't that mean she didn't love him anymore, she wasn't fighting for him?

Frankly, I have never begged or pleaded with anyone for anything, I know my own worth. Saying to someone leave if you are unhappy is not a sign that the person is unloved, rather the contrary, if you love someone enough to want them to be happy and know they are unhappy with you. It just makes for an unhappy situation. Marriage is not a boxing match, love should not be fought for, but freely given.

 

That's what I would do. That's what I thought she would do. I don't understand still loving someone who cheats on you.

 

For me It is about what I want for myself and who I love. A cheating husband wouldn't figure in that.

 

For me it all about what makes me happy, what makes me happy is my relationship with my husband, who cheated for 8 months, balanced against what is now 27 yrs of bloody great times, the 8 months is a drop in the ocean, frankly. It isn't enough to just love another, they have to love you enough back, otherwise it is all pretty pointless. had my husband wanted to be with the OW, then I would have missed him each and every day of my life. BUT, I simply could not and would not knowingly share my husband with anyone. D Day levels the playing field in an A. Once the BS knows and is able to say what they are prepared to put up with or not, then the rules are clear to all. In our case my H had ended it before he told me and desperately wanted to make our marriage work, so did I, and we have.

 

Women who did say go to her if you want... What did you really want?

 

Mourning, I have a number of questions for you:

How long was the A?

Was it an EA or a PA or both?

It has ended, how long ago did it end?

What do you want to happen?

What do you think is stopping this happening?

 

What will it take for you to accept that the MM is where he wants to be. You are married, why not leave your marriage and start agin, find someone to love who will love you back, it all sounds as though all this is whirling about in your head and no matter how many questions you ask of BS, you can only know how the MM in your A has acted. What do you think he really, really wants?

[turnera]

I know some BS on here say that when they discovered the affair they wished their husband well and said go, be with her. Then they express surprise that he fights to stay.

 

But I wonder if when you did that- it was about manipulating him? I mean sure you were saying do what you want but you didn't say, you don't say- what did *you* want? If you wanted him to stay how would he ever know that? If you didn't want him then why did you let him beg his way back?

IMO, it's a matter of respect. If you respect yourself, you won't compete with another woman - you'll go find someone who wants only YOU (eventually). It's tricky to say it as a manipulation, because if you don't really mean it, once he leaves, you'll be the one begging HIM to come back, and then you'll be a true doormat for life. The respect has to start within you.

 

Hmmm. Didn't realize you were an affair partner asking this. Think on this, then. YOU were willing to take a married man away from his family, just to soothe your ego. His wife respected herself - something you lack - enough to say fine, leave. I deserve better. You - by your very actions - screamed "I DON'T deserve any better than to get a cheater in my bed by offering sex to help him destroy his family."

 

Which path is the more admirable and sustainable?

Edited August 28, 2012 by turnera

[turnera]

ML, it would be a lot easier to help you if you'd stick to one thread.

[Furious]

I know some BS on here say that when they discovered the affair they wished their husband well and said go, be with her. Then they express surprise that he fights to stay.

 

But I wonder if when you did that- it was about manipulating him? I mean sure you were saying do what you want but you didn't say, you don't say- what did *you* want? If you wanted him to stay how would he ever know that? If you didn't want him then why did you let him beg his way back?

 

I am realizing I don't really know what happened on DDay- he says she begged and pleaded and threatened. But what if she said go then? Wouldn't that mean she didn't love him anymore, she wasn't fighting for him?

 

That's what I would do. That's what I thought she would do. I don't understand still loving someone who cheats on you.

 

For me It is about what I want for myself and who I love. A cheating husband wouldn't figure in that.

 

Women who did say go to her if you want... What did you really want?

 

 

I really...really wanted my husband gone, I was dead serious when I handed him his suitcase and wished him well. I wasn't going to fight for him, I was going to fight for me.

 

I let him go, he returned to fight for me.

[turnera]

ML, I take it that you are young; you mentioned college. So I'm going to assume it never occurred to you that many many men simply want as much sex as they can get. It's just what they do. Most of the men I know are like this; they look for nookie on the side in any opportunity that arises. I've seen guys hook up and in ten minutes take some stranger outside in the alley and do it, and then go back inside to their wives. I've seen men lie to their wives their whole marriages and spend half their time at strip clubs or happy ending massage parlors. I've seen men carry on with 3 or 4 other women and love the thrill of stringing them all along. It's just what they do.

 

You were just sex to him. He proved it when he dropped you like a hot potato when you became a liability.

 

Most male cheaters WANT to have two (or more) women fighting over them. It's every 8th grade boy's dream. They WANT to have some Emotional Needs met by their wife (the stability, the great reputation, the housekeeping, the mothering) and some met by their mistress (the high of the secrecy, the nasty sex). It's a perfect world for him.

 

Your guy got a little smarter on his journey and the NEXT mistress he picks, he'll know how to hide her better from his wife. That is all.

[Spark1111]

I really...really wanted my husband gone, I was dead serious when I handed him his suitcase and wished him well. I wasn't going to fight for him, I was going to fight for me.

 

I let him go, he returned to fight for me.

 

I find it interesting all the lies and delusions I intercepted between them after DDay.

 

She had convinced him I would take him to the cleaners and screw him over, because she had undergone an acrimonious D and was still litigating her xH.

 

She convinced him I would poison his children against him as she and her XH were doing to their son.

 

She convinced him I may have a BF too.

 

He convinced her we never had sex, that he needed to wait until the last child went to college, and that he needed to acheive his financial goals so he could...what? Buy his way out of our life?

 

He convinced her that he would miss his kids too much and really needed to move back into the family home.

 

He also convinced her that he was trying to reconcile. In fact, she would ask him how it was going.

 

Here are the facts: I didn't want his money.

 

I offered the house to him as I was looking at apartments.

 

I encouraged an inexpensive mediator.

 

Our youngest was well into his second year of college.

 

I told our children to be kind to her and treat her with respect, because that is how they were raised.

 

We had sex twice a week during the affair.

 

I NEVER had a BF!

 

And reconcile? There was no RECONCILIATION! I was too angry to even speak with him.

 

What did I want? My self-respect and integrity and the life we had created back. And you cannot get that with someone who lies and deceives you.

 

He lived with her for two weeks. It went pssssssst! Then he moved into hotels. The he began relentlessly pursuing me.

 

Great, great confusion on his part. Me, I wasn't confused at all. I knew I deserved someon who loved and repected me, and if it couldn't be him, I was fine with that.

[alexandria35]

ML, I take it that you are young; you mentioned college. So I'm going to assume it never occurred to you that many many men simply want as much sex as they can get. It's just what they do. Most of the men I know are like this; they look for nookie on the side in any opportunity that arises. I've seen guys hook up and in ten minutes take some stranger outside in the alley and do it, and then go back inside to their wives. I've seen men lie to their wives their whole marriages and spend half their time at strip clubs or happy ending massage parlors. I've seen men carry on with 3 or 4 other women and love the thrill of stringing them all along. It's just what they do.

 

You were just sex to him. He proved it when he dropped you like a hot potato when you became a liability.

 

Most male cheaters WANT to have two (or more) women fighting over them. It's every 8th grade boy's dream. They WANT to have some Emotional Needs met by their wife (the stability, the great reputation, the housekeeping, the mothering) and some met by their mistress (the high of the secrecy, the nasty sex). It's a perfect world for him.

 

Your guy got a little smarter on his journey and the NEXT mistress he picks, he'll know how to hide her better from his wife. That is all.

 

to the best of my recollection ML is in her forties and her MM never had full on sex with her although she let him know it was available.

[turnera]

to the best of my recollection ML is in her forties and her MM never had full on sex with her although she let him know it was available.

Ah, thanks for that. It's hard to know when someone starts a bunch of threads, without going searching.

[mercy]

I know some BS on here say that when they discovered the affair they wished their husband well and said go, be with her. Then they express surprise that he fights to stay.

 

But I wonder if when you did that- it was about manipulating him? I mean sure you were saying do what you want but you didn't say, you don't say- what did *you* want? If you wanted him to stay how would he ever know that? If you didn't want him then why did you let him beg his way back?

 

I am realizing I don't really know what happened on DDay- he says she begged and pleaded and threatened. But what if she said go then? Wouldn't that mean she didn't love him anymore, she wasn't fighting for him?

 

That's what I would do. That's what I thought she would do. I don't understand still loving someone who cheats on you.

 

For me It is about what I want for myself and who I love. A cheating husband wouldn't figure in that.

 

Women who did say go to her if you want... What did you really want?

 

I really wish when I read your threads that you would come to a place where you begin asking the right questions. Not in the sense of what is right and wrong as in good or bad but in the sense of - the healthy, healing, constructive questions that would aide you to get out of the hole you are in. You are spinning.

 

Even if I answered these questions you have it wouldn't be 'her' answering. And that's what you really want, right? For her to explain to you all the why's. Not going to happen. It's just not. I allowed the why's of it all to drive me insane. Therapy was freeing, it can free you to. When I decided to let little parts of it go, though scary, it too was freeing. I can't get into another persons head and get every answer, I had to accept that sometimes no answers are to be found.

 

Search yourself. What would be some healing questions? What could you ask yourself or us that could move you to a path of healing.

[Mme. Chaucer]

One of the weirdest aspects of all your threads, OP, is that you are so obsessively focussed on that married couple when you are married yourself, according to you, to a man who also cheated on you.

 

As a starting place, why not just answer all the questions according to the circumstances in your own marriage.

[thomasb]

Nope. She didn"t say that exactly. She said get the f**k out, Changed the locks and everything. She said OW can have you. Took me weeks of pleading to get back in the house.

[thomasb]

Just read that he wouldn't even have sex with the poster. Turned her down. He (and she) would just laugh at you thinking you are the true love of his life. Trust me. He would be saying get over yourself if he were talking to you!

[2sure]

The first thing a BS says,the first feeling they have, the first instinct is: Get the F out. And that's why the first thing a WS does is beg and plead to be allowed to stay. After DDay a BS might decide to fight like hell for the marriage, Or even to ignore the damage for the their own reasons...but first, they want the WS to decide to stay. It makes the WS their own victim.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

from my own experience and from what I have read on here, most betrayed spouses that tell their wayward spouse to go really do mean it. It does not mean that they no longer love them...it usually means they are hurt, angry, fed up or just plain tired and want all the crud to be over. Kind of like if you are going to go, then go, and stop dragging me through all your cr@p.

 

I my own case, I tried to convince him to stay...i tried being as nice as I could, I tried being "understanding" while he made up his mind, I tried ignoring my own hurt to give him time to sort out what he wanted....but while I was waiting for him to find himself, I was losing me, and after a while, I just couldn't take it any more. It was too hard on me, and also on our kids. I told him that I still loved him, but that if being with her was what made him happy, then that's what he should do ( i also sent her an email to the same effect). All of a sudden, he wanted to stay, and I told him that I may be stupid, but I was willing to give things one more chance.

It wasn't manipulation, nor was it malice....it was words spoken by someone who'd just had enough, and who loved someone enough to let them go, if that is what they really wanted to do.

 

 

As an aside...it seems like you are asking questions in some kind of desperate attempt to find understanding of his actions and to somehow shore up your idea that it's you he really loves and that he'll come back once the harpy of a woman that is her wife finally gets her claws out of him......but really...answers from people on here won't tell you anything that you, in your heart, don't already know. He may love you, he may love his wife....but he loves himself more, and he can't be who and what you want him to be. I'm sorry, I know it's probably painful to know that, but it's the truth.

[Steadfast]

This is obviously geared towards women, but as a man I'll chip in.

 

I didn't say 'Go' until I was done. Given up. I felt that emotion after dday, but I didn't verbalize it. When I was so exasperated, so utterly sick of not knowing anything (except for that she wasn't around) I finally told her "There's a whole, great big world out there full of guys. Go get 'em". Her response? "Don't say that." More exasperation. "What?" "Don't say that."

 

That's when I stopped caring about having the last word. I didn't know what she meant and I wasn't interested in finding out. I still don't know anything. Our 17-year marriage ended without any real explanation, except for her admitting once that she wasn't attracted to me any longer. Maybe it was that simple, but that doesn't explain why she kept coming around. I'm as clueless now as I was then, except for this fact: Words are useless and empty. Actions matter, in everything. Judge actions.

[Ninja'sHusband]

ML, I take it that you are young; you mentioned college. So I'm going to assume it never occurred to you that many many men simply want as much sex as they can get. It's just what they do. Most of the men I know are like this; they look for nookie on the side in any opportunity that arises. I've seen guys hook up and in ten minutes take some stranger outside in the alley and do it, and then go back inside to their wives. I've seen men lie to their wives their whole marriages and spend half their time at strip clubs or happy ending massage parlors. I've seen men carry on with 3 or 4 other women and love the thrill of stringing them all along. It's just what they do.

 

You were just sex to him. He proved it when he dropped you like a hot potato when you became a liability.

 

Most male cheaters WANT to have two (or more) women fighting over them. It's every 8th grade boy's dream. They WANT to have some Emotional Needs met by their wife (the stability, the great reputation, the housekeeping, the mothering) and some met by their mistress (the high of the secrecy, the nasty sex). It's a perfect world for him.

 

Your guy got a little smarter on his journey and the NEXT mistress he picks, he'll know how to hide her better from his wife. That is all.

Not all men are like this. Sure we like sex but some of us can control ourselves. I was faithful to my wife for all 18 years we were together. She wasn't.

[waterwoman]

I did. Sort of. he said he loved her. I was totally and utterly shocked - I had found a lot of texts the weekend before but had beleived him (stupid!) when he said they were 'supportive' because she was having a hard time in her marriage . I wanted to beleive him I guess.

 

My first words after he came clean were 'I assume you're leaving then?' he said no, that he loved me, had ended it with her and wanted to stay. That was 2 months ago. Since then he has proved in every way he can that he wants to be with me, values me and loves me more than anyone else in his life. I think he misses her - he tells me that he still worries about her and misses her like a habit that is hard to break. But there has been no contact. And I am now beginning to feel confident - but there are still times when I waver. He never has, not once, in his committment to me and his support for my pain.

 

So my reaction was 'Go to her' - I didn't say 'be happy' as I am fairly sure he'd have been very unhappy indeed. But I loved him and I couldn't countenance forcing a man to stay who wanted to leave.

[turnera]

NH, I've had the misfortune to be involved via my husband with the electronics and music business. The dregs (sp?) seem to gravitate toward that industry.