Does age make you harsher or kinder about infidelity?

[LadyElaine]

I am a BS who used to hang out here years ago - couldn't log in again as I've changed emails since then. I used to occasionally lurk, but for various reasons I find myself getting a new profile.

 

I find I am much harsher about infidelity than I was when I was a BS years ago. I am much more judgmental of cheaters than I was. Back then I was understanding. Angry, but understanding. He was in a bad place. I got that.

 

Now I dare not say what I think of cheaters. I'd be lynched on the other board for it. I just have no time for them at all. All the "pain" they go through - it isn't enough as far as I'm concerned.

 

And I reconciled. Or perhaps I settled. Whatever. We are happy enough. If we had divorced I imagine I'd be even harsher.

 

So how has time after infidelity affected your attitude?

[LadyElaine]

I didn't really mean it was about age. More how much time has passed. Of course they're kind of related, but you could be 35 and the infidelity could be 10 years ago or 10 mins.

[freestyle]

My attitude changed immensely, once I was on the receiving end of it.

 

Before, I knew it was wrong, but I didn't give it a whole lot of thought.

 

My former BFF was an OW , and while I didn't approve, I still provided emotional support without condemning her. Until she slept with another mutual friend, whose gf was also part of our social circle.......That's when it really started to dawn on me , how messed up that was. I had a hard time looking the guy's gf in the eye, once I'd learned what had happened.

 

That was about the same time my SO got involved in an EA with one his old "friends"---so I was starting to understand how much pain infidelity can cause. It became much more "real" for me, once I experienced it myself.

 

Now I have a zero tolerance policy for deceptive people, I don't care to be around that.

[LadyElaine]

Yeah I guess I have no tolerance for it. I admire those like Seren and beenburned and others who are clearly able to be kindly to cheaters but I can't relate. They're the lowest of the low by definition to me.

 

And yes, my husband is judged like that too. I mean he's really really sorry, he's shown that now over years. And I let it go and I decided to take his niceness and goodness that he has now. Why throw away what I deserved all along and he only just worked that out?

 

But I don't respect him. He cheated. I don't think you can ever respect a cheater. Even if they never do it again and I don't think he will. I can pity him, his weakness, and I can see he is trying to be a better man now. That's the only reason I let him stay.

 

But the unrepentant cheaters… oh boy. I feel like they really are a bit rich wanting any understanding or support. After what they did to someone else, whether their partner or a stranger? Sometimes a friend? How can they not just want to crawl into a hole and admit they don't deserve anything more than the misery they created?

 

Instead they seem to get a lot of "you need to forgive yourself honey, everyone makes mistakes"… uh oh.. no. Not everyone makes that big a mistake. And mostly its not a mistake its a selfish "me want, me take". In children we try to teach kids by punishing such selfishness. I don't say "aww sweetheart, don't worry you took your sister's cookie, forgive yourself". I send him to a time out and he doesn't get to come back and join us until he has thought about it and is truly sorry - and not at all sorry for himself.

 

I guess I was just thinking that maybe I was getting tough in my older years, but I really feel that cheaters and even single OW deserve no quarter, deserve no happiness. Ever.

 

Call me bitter, I'm sure they will. To me its a question of justice.

[Artie Lang]

"hear hear"

[Woggle]

Being cheated on made my view much harsher. It has nothing to do with age

[MourningLosses]

You are so bitter. How can you live wih him if you don't respect him? Don't you deserve better? Doesn't he? No, I guess you think he doesn't.

 

But what's it like living in such a black and white world where people can't change and develop and have needs you can't meet?

[mercy]

You are so bitter. How can you live wih him if you don't respect him? Don't you deserve better? Doesn't he? No, I guess you think he doesn't.

 

But what's it like living in such a black and white world where people can't change and develop and have needs you can't meet?

 

She is allowed her opinion, right?

[mercy]

Yeah I guess I have no tolerance for it. I admire those like Seren and beenburned and others who are clearly able to be kindly to cheaters but I can't relate. They're the lowest of the low by definition to me.

 

And yes, my husband is judged like that too. I mean he's really really sorry, he's shown that now over years. And I let it go and I decided to take his niceness and goodness that he has now. Why throw away what I deserved all along and he only just worked that out?

 

But I don't respect him. He cheated. I don't think you can ever respect a cheater. Even if they never do it again and I don't think he will. I can pity him, his weakness, and I can see he is trying to be a better man now. That's the only reason I let him stay.

 

But the unrepentant cheaters… oh boy. I feel like they really are a bit rich wanting any understanding or support. After what they did to someone else, whether their partner or a stranger? Sometimes a friend? How can they not just want to crawl into a hole and admit they don't deserve anything more than the misery they created?

 

Instead they seem to get a lot of "you need to forgive yourself honey, everyone makes mistakes"… uh oh.. no. Not everyone makes that big a mistake. And mostly its not a mistake its a selfish "me want, me take". In children we try to teach kids by punishing such selfishness. I don't say "aww sweetheart, don't worry you took your sister's cookie, forgive yourself". I send him to a time out and he doesn't get to come back and join us until he has thought about it and is truly sorry - and not at all sorry for himself.

 

I guess I was just thinking that maybe I was getting tough in my older years, but I really feel that cheaters and even single OW deserve no quarter, deserve no happiness. Ever.

 

Call me bitter, I'm sure they will. To me its a question of justice.

 

I wouldn't call you bitter. You have been through unbearable heartache and you can feel any way you want to about it.

 

You do have happiness in your life and you're working through it. Good on you!

[Furious]

You are so bitter. How can you live wih him if you don't respect him? Don't you deserve better? Doesn't he? No, I guess you think he doesn't.

 

But what's it like living in such a black and white world where people can't change and develop and have needs you can't meet?

 

 

Aren't you still married and pining for another man. You have expressed how much you can't stand your husband and yet you are still with him.

 

Perhaps you should take your own advice.

Edited August 28, 2012 by Furious

[karnak]

 

For the most part cheaters just aren't wired the same way as those who believe in the value of fidelity.

 

(...)

 

There are just a lot of messed up people out there who put there own needs ahead of everything else, just plain selfishness, and they don't really care.

 

It's all a pretend game to these kind of people. It's not real.

 

They just don't understand how it's possible to be so bonded to someone that hurting your spouse would be just like hurting yourself. They lack empathy for their own spouse.

 

 

Some people have no major issues with cheating. Like some people also have no major issues with stealing, murdering, lying, abusing children, being selfish...

 

Etc...

 

Like you said: some people are "wired" in a certain way, while others are different. It's like faith and religion. We can't really explain why some people truly believe in gods and others do not.

[anne1707]

How about harsher and kinder

 

Harsher in that I have seen the pain affairs cause. Harsher in that it drives me mad when I see people on this site who refuse to see the selfishness of their behaviours when they continue to cheat. Harsher when I see people b*tch about the BS.

 

Kinder in that if someone is remorseful and wants to reconcile, I want to help them if I can. If someone is re-committed to the marriage and prepared to do the hard work then I would encourage that.

 

I know one or two on here may refer to me being evil or twist my words but I think most posters on here know that I have learned and changed a lot over the past few years. Hence harsher yet kinder.

[angie2443]

I don't think age (growing older?) has made me more judgemental, but these boards have really changed the way I judge, or just view, infidality. I think before, I thought there was a lot more uniqueness to these situations, but now reading these stories, I see so many repeating patterns. It's almost always very predictable where certain situations on certain threads are heading because the storyline in the thread is the same as countless of other threads on here. I know it's been said before, but it really is like the same person is comming up with all these threads. The little details change, but the basic story stays the same.

[beenburned]

LadyElaine,

 

Thank you for the nice compliment!

 

Now to answer your question,"how has time after infidelity affected your attitude?"

 

All of my H's brief flings(3) occurred in the early years of our marriage.(We married very young)

All of his OW were single young women who wanted him even though he was married with 2 small children. Also, all of his co-workers/friends were cheaters that bragged about their conquests.

 

They were allyoung, immature, self centered people, who really didn't comprehend how their actions could affect their whole future. All of the friends got caught and their wives all divorced them.(no kids)

 

In the years since then, H has heard them moan and groan about money problems, and all of their new marriages.(2nd, 3rd, and one 4th marriage)

So he clearly realizes that just because you change spouses doesn't mean you don't have problems.(maybe different kinds)

 

My H is one of the few FWS that did all of the hard work of changing all of his bad behaviors, and made sure to correct his boundaries, so it wouldn't happen again. I respect my H now more than ever because of his dedication and commitment to me and our marriage. He let me know in no uncertain terms he was here for the long haul with everything he had in him!

 

As for the people that never change or learn from their mistakes, that is the choice they make. There will always be people that are completely different from us, due to many reasons.(upbringing, cultures,religion,abuse, etc.)

 

For all the reconcilers out there, learn to concentrate on all the good things your spouse brings to your life NOW! Life is short and it is what we make it!

[todreaminblue]

I am a BS who used to hang out here years ago - couldn't log in again as I've changed emails since then. I used to occasionally lurk, but for various reasons I find myself getting a new profile.

 

I find I am much harsher about infidelity than I was when I was a BS years ago. I am much more judgmental of cheaters than I was. Back then I was understanding. Angry, but understanding. He was in a bad place. I got that.

 

Now I dare not say what I think of cheaters. I'd be lynched on the other board for it. I just have no time for them at all. All the "pain" they go through - it isn't enough as far as I'm concerned.

 

And I reconciled. Or perhaps I settled. Whatever. We are happy enough. If we had divorced I imagine I'd be even harsher.

 

So how has time after infidelity affected your attitude?

 

Time has made it that i am not interested in wasting any more time in a relationship where i am cheated on ......nor do i cheat when in a relationship so get what you give i feel

which is actually a cool song.....going to listen to it.....deb

[scatterd]

I think when we get older we view cheating differently because were wiser.The thing I view different is how I view Love and sex. I think so many confuse lust as love when their younger but its deeper then that. Cheating takes away from that deep love and replaces it with lust. It robs innocence from children and trust from family's. Cheating hurts everyone involved. I am sure you hate what your husband has done to you. I do not care for how I have been hurt from being cheated on or how others have been hurt. I have never heard anyonesay they love cheaters.

[losingmyground]

I have always been the friend that tells her girls to wait ask for signed divorce papers. I have only had one friend that cheated. And I gave her hell for it. The only thing that has changed since I found out about the affair...I don't trust other women as easily. I can also point out an affair a mile away. And everytime I see one, I want to beat them over the head with a 2x4.

[seren]

I have always abhorred cheating, always spoke my mind about it and never, ever condoned it. My view has always been, if it is that broken, then do something about it, leave or work on it, but adding another to the mix is a recipe for disaster. Until it happened to me, I never understood the depths of pain and hurt the lies and betrayal would, could and sometimes still does, affect me and how I view life. I am a glass half full person at heart, for a while after the A, I had difficulty seeing it as even a quarter empty.

 

My H had the A when he was having a really awful time after Iraq and the death of his friends, my cancer and all whole raft of stuff that pushed him way over the edge. The A was tawdry to say the least and reflected where he was at. Of course an A is never, ever justifiable, IMHO. I still cannot get my head around knowingly sharing the peron you care about with someone else.

 

Had the A happened when H was, for want of a better word OK, then I don't know if I would have reacted the same. Maybe. The 2 hour meets in a motel are not the stuff of dreams and balanced against what had been a, for the majority of the time, fantastic marriage and relationship, it was put into perspective. If I was younger (I am now 55) I would have been a hell of a lot angrier, we wouldn't have had as many years to lay the foundations of our relationship, and I have calmed down a lot (!!) I would still have stayed. Why? because I love the bones of him.

 

I am able to post kindly to OW/OM because I try to respond to the feelings of the person and not the reason behind it. It doesn't mean that at times I don't sit shaking my head at the sameness and the digs at the BS. TBH, I just think whatever justifies it for you and can see that many apply to the BS too. I just know my situation and would defend my position on my choices becasue they have been mine to make and I live them.

 

Affairs are pretty crap, which is an understatement. I especially abhor those who think they wouldn't have an A with someone's spouse if they knew them or try to badmouth the BS without really knowing what is going on. I think we, BS, are often seen as not having rights to truth and honesty, if it interferes with someone else's happiness. My brain isn't wired that way. As for the I can say what I like about the BS, but woe betide the BS who says anything derogatory about the OW/OM type posts, least said the better I think

Sorry very long winded and rambling reply ...... need coffee

[Owl]

As I've gotten older...I too have far less tolerance for infidelity than I had before.

 

I'm curious, LadyElaine...what was your original moniker when you were here before (if you're willing to share that info, of course)?

[Spark1111]

I am a BS who used to hang out here years ago - couldn't log in again as I've changed emails since then. I used to occasionally lurk, but for various reasons I find myself getting a new profile.

 

I find I am much harsher about infidelity than I was when I was a BS years ago. I am much more judgmental of cheaters than I was. Back then I was understanding. Angry, but understanding. He was in a bad place. I got that.

 

Now I dare not say what I think of cheaters. I'd be lynched on the other board for it. I just have no time for them at all. All the "pain" they go through - it isn't enough as far as I'm concerned.

 

And I reconciled. Or perhaps I settled. Whatever. We are happy enough. If we had divorced I imagine I'd be even harsher.

 

So how has time after infidelity affected your attitude?

 

It depends on the situation and the people involved.

 

I have always had a tremendous empathy for others in pain. I still do.

 

So, if I sense confusion, fear, pain, and true remorse or internal conflict, I remain kind and compassionate, even towards those perpetrating or suffering from infidelity.

 

However, if I sense arroagance, self-entitlement, a me, me, me attitude while others be damned and left in their wake of destruction......

 

I have NO patience at all with those who display those attributes or express those sentiments.

 

I think most people live the life they either choose or deserve, and for those who were truly victimized, I still feel their pain.

 

More patience and understanding for some...MUCH LESS for others.

[GLDheart]

Age has nothing to do with with it.

 

Experience is what brings the change. That experience could come early in life or later, all at once or in small doses over time.

 

Regardless of how long it takes for the experience to be aquired, the effect is the same.

[carhill]

I didn't really mean it was about age. More how much time has passed. Of course they're kind of related, but you could be 35 and the infidelity could be 10 years ago or 10 mins.

With that clarification, my experience has been, as time has passed, to become more accepting that it is what it is, an unhealthy choice. If I knew during my M what I know now, I would have had a more polarized and negative response but time seems to have a stabilizing effect upon my psychology. In the interim, I've interacted on a friendly (not OM) basis with MW's and find my reactions to be neutral emotionally, and I generally will share the negative effects of my personal choices in the past and advise them to seek counseling to clarify things for themselves. So far, I haven't seen any harshness in that process. That said, I've noted, both in myself and amongst those in my age group I've known for years/decades, that we appear to become less 'filtered' in our expressed opinions as time goes by. More direct. I sensed this in myself recently when interacting with my wife's best friend who had approached me inappropriately in the past and is currently divorcing. I was able to express my perspective about events calmly and in a supportive way, rather than from a place of anger or hurt regarding the totality of events. So, more direct and more neutral has been my personal experience. YMMV.

[drifter777]

It's been decades for me and I actually am angrier and more emotionally distraught than ever. Actions speak louder than words so since my wife and I began living together after her cheating and we had 2 more kids and raised our family together, I guess I did forgive her. At least I forgive her for being a disgusting slut and flaunting it in my face. I forgive her for this because she has proven over the next 20 years that she is not that person. I do not, however, forget or forgive what she did to me.

 

It may seem that I'm splitting hairs, but it makes sense to me. I can separate the disgusting behavior from the person she is now, but I will never forgive her callous disregard for me and my feelings. I cannot forgive the act because I cannot forget; and who can? Once your spouse has cheated your relationship is destroyed. You will never be whole again, you will never trust completely again, you will never feel that you are special to your spouse. Obviously, any BS who is able to reconcile is settling to some degree - and it may be an acceptable option for them. They may truly love their WS or at least like them and are willing to raise their family with them and enjoy their companionship. The alternative, divorce, may simply frighten them too much. In that regard, they get what they asked for.

 

Age has definitely made me much harsher regarding cheaters and reconciliation. Having lived through it I regret all the pain and suffering it caused me for many years. Now that I've paid all my dues, it's worth it to me to not be alone and to maintain a stable home for our grown kids and their children. I'm settling, but it's my choice. I would not recommend the path I took to any BS. Divorce is a much, much better option for all involved. Period.

 

I still trigger at random times and feel sick because of the horrible memories and images. It is something that I, and all BS's who reconcile, must live through. Had I walked away and divorced her, I know I would be better off and not have these memories any longer. I would feel that I evened the score by ending things. But I can't change the past so I am just living my life and trying to be happy.

[carhill]

I don't understand. Please clarify. Yes, I've been there, in a bad marriage where my exW behaved inappropriately, as did a couple of her girlfriends with myself. Relevant to the topic, please explain, if you can.