Is it worth (as a man) as I venture into my 30s?...

[Romanticide]

Hi Everyone, newbie here, but I think this is a great place to get opinions and different outlooks. I am currently 29 and will be 30 next year...and I have never had a GF. Two reasons for this, from high school to early 20s I had bad anxiety when women were interested in the whole bf/gf thing and I just worked out a FWB deal with them. The second half mid 20s to now I just don't care and let things happen and do not look for relationships at all.

 

First, I had some "nice guy" syndrome to me before, and CARED alot about what women thought and did some white knighting in my teens and early 20s. Somehow I got a few women when I showed my masculine side, but didn't put two and two together. It was during this time I realized many women ignored me , but I guess that's normal for non-alpha types in their early 20s, but it is still in the back of my mind. From mid 20s to now, its just whatever. I have always lived a happy, healthy and fun life. Tons of friends, partying, active indoors and outdoors, always something to do as filled in the gap of never having a real relationship and experiencing the things normal people experience in relationships when they are young. And yes, these thoughts are always on the back of my mind, but I am happy 95% of the time of what I do with my time and decisions in life to put things in perspective.

 

So I ask you people of Love Shack, should I ever make an effort to get a relationship? I have no baggage because of my lifestyle of just making the most of my time, because I excluded relationships and all that entails with it. Do you guys think I should try it? Would it be difficult for a woman to understand how I lived my life without having a real relationship? For the women, how do you perceive that? Men, what do you think I should do as I venture into my 30s, can I sustain a life of filling my time with many activities without a deep meaningful relationship? Thank you all!

[USMCHokie]

...should I ever make an effort to get a relationship?

 

Yes. There is absolutely no reason for you not to.

[SJC2008]

Get an R if YOU want one. Don't tell her anything about your history. You have sexual exp. so you have more to bank on then myself and a few of our late 20's to early 30's never had gf's on this forum.

[mortensorchid]

We all have our issues and things that make us "unique", but we're not actually as unique as we think we are. I assure you there is at least one other out there who has your story and you just don't know it. But it's not too late, go for whatever it is you want. Today is a new day.

[SJC2008]

We all have our issues and things that make us "unique", but we're not actually as unique as we think we are. I assure you there is at least one other out there who has your story and you just don't know it. But it's not too late, go for whatever it is you want. Today is a new day.

 

I agree and there are I think there are more "late bloomers" than people think BUT chances are a woman would weird out if he tells her he's 30 and never had a gf. She'll think player or lack of exp so that's a double whammy because that means no commitment or no orgasm!

[Ami1uwant]

As others have said...you dont tell this to any women you date. you can reveal it later only after you feel you two are safely in a relationship and have had sex.

 

Doesnt matter if you are a man or woman...having no relationship past when you are 30 is a red flag. Additionally Being a virgin at 30 adds another red flag

[Greznog]

No, I think you should stick to your current lifestyle of enjoying life. Maybe have a few FWB if you're so inclined.

[Emilia]

So I ask you people of Love Shack, should I ever make an effort to get a relationship? I have no baggage because of my lifestyle of just making the most of my time, because I excluded relationships and all that entails with it. Do you guys think I should try it? Would it be difficult for a woman to understand how I lived my life without having a real relationship? For the women, how do you perceive that? Men, what do you think I should do as I venture into my 30s, can I sustain a life of filling my time with many activities without a deep meaningful relationship? Thank you all!

 

I disagree that not having relationship experience by the age of 29 is not baggage. Considering how people are prone to lie themselves it usually indicates not that you are happy 95% of the time but that you are not capable of intimacy. Yes it would be difficult for most healthy women to understand as the average healthy guy enjoys having a girlfriend even if he goes through periods of dating around.

[Emilia]

As others have said...you dont tell this to any women you date. you can reveal it later only after you feel you two are safely in a relationship and have had sex.

 

 

I'm assuming having this kind of self-centered and selfish attitude is what has landed the OP in this situation in the first place

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think you should do what feels right and shouldn't let age be a determining factor of why you should shift gears.

 

I just think that you should start to dip your feet into something more substantial and with more emotional depth so you can see some of the parts that are beneficial to being in a relationship.

 

Personally I'm the relationship type of guy, everything less than that feels like It's just on the surface...I like things to become emotional deep and passionate. I had to learn to be single and date, and keeps things "casual" for the sake of not jumping into another relationship too fast. I felt like there was more I had to learn about myself and my mistakes and be more self-aware.

 

And that's one of the big factors when you lack relationship experience...you see things from a very biased and personalized point of view. The things you think you want or need from a partner may not actually work...people with little relationship experience I've noticed many to feel very entitled and privileged in a way because they felt like they were whole people and had a lot to offer, yet when it comes to relationships they really weren't familiar or experienced with a lot of dynamics because having a relationship is about so many other things, compatibility, communication, respect and a lot of times it takes experience to properly gauge and improve these qualities. These are muscles you don't get to flex when being single because you can back out at any time and are not invested in working things out and figuring them out together with someone.

 

So IF you were to get into a relationship with a woman you saw potential in then in the beginning as you're transitioning into it make sure to tell her something along the lines of "look, I don't have a lot of relationship experience and I just want to let you know I may need your help with communication or may do some things wrong that I'm not aware of...this is new for me but I'm willing to learn".

 

Being in relationships has taught me a phenomenal amount about myself, that's really what relationships are but some people don't figure that out, they just think they need to keep finding a person that just gets them and works with them without them having to fix themselves...I've be able to reflect and see my faults, bad habits, things that I carried over from childhood that have made me act X way in a relationship and work on them.

 

Without that experience I don't even know where I would, probably never on the website giving advice that's for sure. I wouldn't say you're doomed but I would definitely be aware that you are going to have to learn a lot of things, and you might have to learn the hard way about women...but I think you should asses the reasons you have been scared or avoided being in a relationship, really think about it and break it down.

[Radu]

I'm assuming having this kind of self-centered and selfish attitude is what has landed the OP in this situation in the first place

 

Emilia, i was and still am a late bloomer.

Every gf i've had, had a bigger number than me even after she reduced it.

I was a virgin up to about 25.

I never had a real relationship up to about 27.

 

If your average girl hears that you are a late bloomer in both of these cathegories, she will run for the hills.

This is not theory, this is not an excuse, this happens, this happened to me too.

 

For guys in this situation there are only 3 options :

- find the 1 girl who will understand and take it slow

- be mysterious ... 'a gentleman never tells' and stick to it

- lie about it

 

Incidently, having had just 1 short but good LTR at my age [i had 5 overall but 4 of them i don't count for various reasons], this is also why i'm on LS.

[VodkaShots]

I know some will disagree with this and see it as "dishonest" or "selfish", but do you actually need to tell a potential girlfriend/boyfriend your dating history (or lack of)? In my experience most don't care about the details and will not question too much on them. If anything only the super insecure types will question too deeply into it. But if you're too upfront it will drive some people away. There are lies and there are white lies, imo.

 

If you used to sleep around (male or female) and now decide you want to settle down and have a proper relationship, there's no need to be up front about it. "Oh yeah I had sex with half my town". Even when asked, you could just say you had your fun in the past. Likewise, if you haven't had a girlfriend before, just don't mention it, when asked, say you did in your past but haven't for a while.

[Romanticide]

I appreciate the advice from everyone, and I do not consider any of them insults, because you cannot sugar coat reality. I would like to touch on some points people brought up...such as lie. I do not believe in lying at all, I am upfront and very comfortable with my beliefs and feelings. I believe life is too short to lie about things and its better to get everything out in the open, so yeah I am not embarrassed that I never had a gf. I always figured that I had opportunities but "ran away" kinda softened the blow on that stuff. So I am open to telling a woman that, but perhaps not right away, I do have filler stories that I can use (no lies) in the meantime.

 

Another thing is being self centered and selfish...and this is true up to a certain point. In a relationship you gotta give and take, this is common sense. I have and cannot ever envision giving up a little bit of my freedom to anyone. I should rephrase that, I rather not alter my life in a way which might mess up my balance of happiness. I believe I have found the perfect lifestyle for me that maximizes my happiness and fulfillment. This is why I bring up "why should i date". So yeah, some selfishness at a subconscious level in autopilot.

 

Also the baggage thing...many people women and men DO carry baggage of past relationships..this makes them bitter, mistrustful of people who are sure of themselves, anxiety, drama, stress, etc etc...I have not experienced these things since I have zero patience for any bs..which leads me to this:

 

I have never had to answer to anyone about my decisions in life or include them in decisions, small to big. Example could be a man who gets crapped on for wanting to go out with his friends and his significant other isnt happy when he goes out with his buddies. I don't know how anyone does it having to "report" to anyone when they want to do something...its not for me. Also the fighting...I rarely apologize if I think I am right, and most likely will slam the door the door in your face or hang up the phone right away. I know these things aren't right, but it is what it is for the time being.

 

As for the whole woman saying "I had my fun and now I am looking to settle down" is a huge turnoff for me...but thats another story for another day. And eventually your past experiences do come out and people do speak about it with each other...it just happens, I suppose I have to gauge that If/when a relationship might happen.

 

Double thanks to Ninjainpajamas, I appreciate you using your experience as advice. I see that you believe you had personal growth, but you also probably can tolerate alot more crap then me, but I will consider what you said.

[verhrzn]

You sound very similar to my ex... 32, barely any relationship experience, but LOTS of sexy experience.

 

It really sounds like you're not interested in a relationship. You don't seem to really want one. We could talk until we're blue in the face about the benefits, but unless YOU want it, it's pointless to seek one.

 

What is your motivation behind asking this question? Why would you want a relationship? Are you just interested in sex? Just companionship? Just "filling time"?

 

Also, for the record, just because you haven't had any previous relationships doesn't mean you don't come with baggage. You have, at the very least, FWB baggage. You also clearly have "white knight" baggage. Be careful of not putting yourself on a pedestal and thinking you haven't been romantically dinged.

[verhrzn]

Edit: After reading your 2nd post, I would advise against a relationship. Refusing to give up any of your current lifestyle, never admitting when you're wrong... these are very basic behaviors that would cause havoc with even the most laid-back partner. Compromise is the cornerstone of any relationship, and it sounds like you are really not interested in that. So, continue living how you want and stay away from relationships.

[Romanticide]

Thanks Verhrzn for the honest assessment! Yeah, I cannot fathom why I would want one, I really don't care about companionship or really getting to know someone intimately/ falling in love....zero interest. So I guess that means avoid dating till I have a change of heart!

The reason I asked the question was I am getting older, and asking why/if I should date and would like the opinions/insight of other people out there. Like is it worth it? The dating pool in age group are women who are jaded, bitter, looking to marry asap cause there friends are, or the worse of the worse-looking for a beta provider after they "had their fun in their 20s"..

I just see people dating and relationships...the fighting..the drama...the stress...doesn't seem worth it. Thanks again for the input!

[verhrzn]

Thanks Verhrzn for the honest assessment! Yeah, I cannot fathom why I would want one, I really don't care about companionship or really getting to know someone intimately/ falling in love....zero interest. So I guess that means avoid dating till I have a change of heart!

The reason I asked the question was I am getting older, and asking why/if I should date and would like the opinions/insight of other people out there. Like is it worth it? The dating pool in age group are women who are jaded, bitter, looking to marry asap cause there friends are, or the worse of the worse-looking for a beta provider after they "had their fun in their 20s"..

I just see people dating and relationships...the fighting..the drama...the stress...doesn't seem worth it. Thanks again for the input!

 

I didn't say it wasn't worth it. I said it wasn't worth it for you. If you don't value companionship or falling in love, why would you want a relationship? Love (and regular sex) is what helps people get through the fighting and the drama. I myself could argue that intimacy actually helps erode some of the effects OF drama and stress. Married men, for example, live longer and are much healthier than their bachelor companions.

 

I have to say, though, with your 2nd paragraph I'm getting a much stronger sensation of fearing a relationship than necessarily not wanting one. The people who are generally loners, who just don't crave romantic contact, are usually pretty benign in their response to a relationship-oriented society. In essence, they shrug and live their life.

 

But your 2nd paragraph has some very strong overtures of bitterness and resentment. "Beta provider" and claiming women are "jaded and bitter" in your age group are particularly red flags. After all, in some ways, aren't you just as jaded and bitter... I have yet to hear a man utter the words "beta provider" without later encountering some major bitterness in his psyche.

 

So do you genuinely not dig relationships, or is it more you are negative towards relationships? Is your "95% fun-filled life" more an attempt to smoke screen your subconscious? Are you maybe, actually, terrified of getting close to someone, being rejected, having to actually connect with people on a deeper level?

 

Cause that was my ex to a T. After we broke up, I became friends with many of his friends. He would pop up in casual conversation... and every single one of them made some comment about how they'd known him for X number of years, and yet never knew Y and Z about him. I seemed to know him better than his closest friends. I knew his weaknesses, his insecurities, what he was like when he wasn't pretending....

 

And when you've spent your whole life running away, I have to imagine it is mind-numbing terrifying to contemplate someone else having that much power over you.

 

Only you can decide if you want a relationship. But the more important question you might want to ask yourself is, why exactly don't you?

[todreaminblue]

Hi Everyone, newbie here, but I think this is a great place to get opinions and different outlooks. I am currently 29 and will be 30 next year...and I have never had a GF. Two reasons for this, from high school to early 20s I had bad anxiety when women were interested in the whole bf/gf thing and I just worked out a FWB deal with them. The second half mid 20s to now I just don't care and let things happen and do not look for relationships at all.

 

First, I had some "nice guy" syndrome to me before, and CARED alot about what women thought and did some white knighting in my teens and early 20s. Somehow I got a few women when I showed my masculine side, but didn't put two and two together. It was during this time I realized many women ignored me , but I guess that's normal for non-alpha types in their early 20s, but it is still in the back of my mind. From mid 20s to now, its just whatever. I have always lived a happy, healthy and fun life. Tons of friends, partying, active indoors and outdoors, always something to do as filled in the gap of never having a real relationship and experiencing the things normal people experience in relationships when they are young. And yes, these thoughts are always on the back of my mind, but I am happy 95% of the time of what I do with my time and decisions in life to put things in perspective.

 

So I ask you people of Love Shack, should I ever make an effort to get a relationship? I have no baggage because of my lifestyle of just making the most of my time, because I excluded relationships and all that entails with it. Do you guys think I should try it? Would it be difficult for a woman to understand how I lived my life without having a real relationship? For the women, how do you perceive that? Men, what do you think I should do as I venture into my 30s, can I sustain a life of filling my time with many activities without a deep meaningful relationship? Thank you all!

 

 

 

go for the relationship, you have life experience to offer you have actually the bst stuff to offer a fresh perspective in a jaded world.Everything is new to you you could make a woman feel extremely special....important and cherished........dont ever feel you have nothing to offer....you have observation skills that cannot be surpassed......observing is often much more appropirate than damaged and wounded from trying or participating trust me its harder to get around.i could give you an ego trip but i wont.......it would spoil you....go forth and knock them dead tiger.tigers observe by the way......you dotn even know they are watching you ...you are.....TIGER...lol... feel motivated.....cats do that to you the ultimate in zen..deb

[GravityMan]

<..snip..>

 

So I ask you people of Love Shack, should I ever make an effort to get a relationship? I have no baggage because of my lifestyle of just making the most of my time, because I excluded relationships and all that entails with it. Do you guys think I should try it? Would it be difficult for a woman to understand how I lived my life without having a real relationship? For the women, how do you perceive that? Men, what do you think I should do as I venture into my 30s, can I sustain a life of filling my time with many activities without a deep meaningful relationship? Thank you all!

 

IMO, there is no such thing as a late 20-something or 30-something with "no baggage". Everyone has baggage and is constantly accumulating more, even if they lack relationship experience. It just depends on whether that baggage is acceptable to a potential dating/relationship partner.

 

Due to your unwillingness to adapt your current lifestyle (i.e. compromise) to accommodate a woman, you would make a poor relationship partner. However, I think part of it is that you simply haven't met the right woman yet. If/when you do meet her, I suspect you will have a change of heart and would be willing to make reasonable compromises to make a RS work and last.

 

Finally, your lack of relationship experience is going to be a red-flag...and likely an outright dealbreaker...to the overwhelming majority of women around your age. I'd estimate 95% of them or more. Even if they think you're otherwise a good guy. Most women have good intuition and can likely sense very quickly if you are RS-inexperienced. The only way to learn some things in life is to encounter them first-hand...no amount of books, forums, etc will be an adequate substitute.

[Romanticide]

Verhrzn, again thanks your input. When it comes to love and sex vs the negative aspects of regular dating/relationship the scales fall more on the con side then pros. Eventually people fall out of love and things become routine, and the fun sex goes away, even if your young, and all that your left is routine.

 

I say I definitely fear relationships as it throws in more variables in life and I have to be considerate of others feelings when I never had to before. I have to add things like an SO's family, friends, values, and what she sees between us in the future...so it is just easier to do a FWB. I do somethings alone, but I spend alot of time in large groups in public, not a basement dweller, and tend to be very social. So its some fear, and I do not lie or make up stories about why...I just say "I can't do it", which is true in my mindset, so that is why I made a thread, to get opinions if I should do it, since I am open to opinions of others.

 

I do not consider myself bitter, I try to give people chances, but many people just seem to be jaded/bitter/mistrustful...you can just tell by behavior and actions. I believe many people have low self esteem, both men and women, and get feelings of worth is through dating, relationships, or serial monogamy. Beta provider is true for a portion of society, some men are aware of this, some are not, but that's a whole different can of worms.

 

Interesting about your ex, a man turns to mush when they are in the heat of the moment and normally shows vulnerabilities because they feel comfortable with you. Sorry, but I cannot go that far, as I do not like being vulnerable, but I think most people are completely open with each other, I am not just one of them.

 

Basically I am used to my lifestyle, its been constant throughout my life, but if outside opinions give good reason, I am open to alter lifestyle just to test the waters for a bit.

 

GravityMan, you probably right, but I think as people get older they are open to meet anyone as long as they have the essentials down: job/career, good health, good demeanor, not a bs'r to name a few. I do not think it is a dealbreaker because question is what do THEY have to provide to me also? No one is a prize that he/she has to bend over backwards to win the heart of someone else. And by baggage I mean kids, stds, past bad relationships, cheater, and being a liar. Maybe my opinion will change if I meet such a woman, but that is probably not likely as I get older.

 

Todreaminblue...lol that is trippy..I can be a tiger sometimes if the situation is right!

[SushiX]

Ignore bishes, acquire currency. hehe Jk. Do what makes you happy. Just be confident and stop the white knighting.