confused kitty Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I was a poster on here for a long time, thankfully my situation is all sorted now but Im posting on behalf of good friend as I think Im too involved to give her clear unbiased advice.. She met a guy about a month ago, they texted for a little over two weeks, he was texting her all day everyday, (he was doing all the chasing) they clicked instantly and seemed to have loads in common, same interests and values, both agreed it was so easy to talk to each other and he even told her it felt like he knew her forever. So they went on a first date to the movies - it went really well, they laughed and joked and both commented on how easy it all felt, he dropped her off home and shared a goodnight kiss (she said they chemistry between them was amazing) He said he really enjoyed the date and asked to see her again. They met up two days later when he invited her over to his place to watch a movie, again it went well and conversation flowed freely, they made out a little before she tore herself off him and said her goodbyes Before she left he asked her to hang out the following weekend and suggested dinner midweek aswell - she agreed to both. The following morning he texted her as usual, to say he would be busy working for afew hours and would call her later, that evening she hadnt heard from him and sent a text joking asking if he was still alive? He didnt reply but she didnt think too much of it. The next day she still hadnt heard from him (bare in mind he was the one texting her non stop up until this) she text him once more asking if everything was okay and if he was no longer interested he just had to say and there would be no hard feelings. By that night he still hadnt replied to her so she called him, asking if he was okay and said she was a little worried about him, he said he was busy working and would text her later on... Well he did text her, but he was not impressed that she had called him and accused her of being clingy, she tryed to appolagise and explain that she was just worried about him, he says its okay n she told him it wouldnt happen again. But its been a week since then and he only responds when she texts him first and hes become distant since the whole thing and she says it all felt strained, there was no mention of them going on their pre planned dates so she asked him out straight if he wanted to her to leave him alone, he said he wasnt sure, so she asked was how she behaved so unforgiveable? He said no it wasnt but it reminded him of his ex that used to check up on him and that relationship was a disaster, she tryed to explain that that wasnt the case and she was just worried.. Well it doesnt seem to have gotten her very far as hes said he doesnt know if he wants to start something with someone hes now unsure off (his words) He has been single for 10months and shes single almost a year. So my question is what should her next move be? Is this a deal breaker or can it be saved?? From what I can gather his ex messed him around big time (4yr relationship) and I cant help but wonder if hes just being cautious and afraid of being hurt again.. Id love to see them sort out this misunderstanding because they would make a great couple Im pretty sure what the responses will be but as I said Im looking for unbiased oppinions, Thanks for reading
The Way I Am Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Your friend is not going to like my opinion. She should make it a rule to never send "Are you alive?" texts. The people sending them always think they're being cute, the receiver always thinks they're creepy and needy. Same goes for the "if you're not interested any more, just let me know" text. The sender thinks they're being confident and casual. The receiver reads desperation and insecurity. It's hard to say what exactly happened with the guy. He may have lost interest or he may have just become very busy. Without those texts, she might have been able to figure out which it was based on his actions. But with the texts, he's definitely not interested. Now all she can do is stop contacting the guy and see if he comes back around. 4
Author confused kitty Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Thank you for replying so quick, oh she knows she messed up big time although I genuinely dont believe she did mean it in a clingy/needy way but I can see how he may have percieved it, I need advice to help her get him back and to at least give her that chance to she him shes not like that - as I said they really would make a great couple, they really compliment each other, its just so damn frustrating if only he would take the chance!
The Way I Am Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 The only way I can think of to possibly disprove clingy is to back off and stop contacting. Once somebody has "clingy" in their mind, they're pretty likely to interpret any communication initiated from the "clingy" person in that way. If the supposedly clingy person does the opposite of what clingy people do and totally cuts off contact without any hard feelings after rejection, that may make the other person realize they were wrong.
Author confused kitty Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Okay thats kind of what I was thinking, worth a shot as she has nothing left to loose. Thanks again
The Way I Am Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Good luck to her! Oh, and try to get her on some dates with other guys and keep her busy so she doesn't have her mind on that guy too much.
Emilia Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 The following morning he texted her as usual, to say he would be busy working for afew hours and would call her later, that evening she hadnt heard from him and sent a text joking asking if he was still alive? He didnt reply but she didnt think too much of it. The next day she still hadnt heard from him (bare in mind he was the one texting her non stop up until this) she text him once more asking if everything was okay and if he was no longer interested he just had to say and there would be no hard feelings. By that night he still hadnt replied to her so she called him, asking if he was okay and said she was a little worried about him, he said he was busy working and would text her later on... Well he did text her, but he was not impressed that she had called him and accused her of being clingy, she tryed to appolagise and explain that she was just worried about him, he says its okay n she told him it wouldnt happen again. But its been a week since then and he only responds when she texts him first and hes become distant since the whole thing and she says it all felt strained, there was no mention of them going on their pre planned dates so she asked him out straight if he wanted to her to leave him alone, he said he wasnt sure, so she asked was how she behaved so unforgiveable? He said no it wasnt but it reminded him of his ex that used to check up on him and that relationship was a disaster, she tryed to explain that that wasnt the case and she was just worried.. Well it doesnt seem to have gotten her very far as hes said he doesnt know if he wants to start something with someone hes now unsure off (his words) He has been single for 10months and shes single almost a year. So my question is what should her next move be? Is this a deal breaker or can it be saved?? From what I can gather his ex messed him around big time (4yr relationship) and I cant help but wonder if hes just being cautious and afraid of being hurt again.. Id love to see them sort out this misunderstanding because they would make a great couple No it's not about his being afraid of being messed around, it's your friend coming across as anxious and hard work. No-one wants to be bugged by someone they had only a couple of dates with. Maybe the guy was losing interest, maybe he was just extremely busy, maybe he is the type that wants a little space between dates but your friend went way overboard. Her next move should be to do nothing. It's up to the guy if he considers this as a dealbreaker. If she keeps bugging him about it he will walk for sure. No-one wants a liability
Author confused kitty Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 How long should she leave it with out contacting him?
google_girl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Tell her to back up let him begin contacting her once again.If he doesnt contact her for 2 weeks its a time to move on. 1
Author confused kitty Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Thank you Googlegirl, much appriciated :-)
Emilia Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 How long should she leave it with out contacting him? Forever. if he never gets in touch just let it be, if he does then act accordingly. I wouldn't even give it 2 weeks, more like 1 1
Author confused kitty Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Okay thanks for the advice
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Thank you for replying so quick, oh she knows she messed up big time although I genuinely dont believe she did mean it in a clingy/needy way but I can see how he may have percieved it, I need advice to help her get him back and to at least give her that chance to she him shes not like that - as I said they really would make a great couple, they really compliment each other, its just so damn frustrating if only he would take the chance! But she IS like that. Her natural and instinctive response is to send "are you alive" text. Now she is going to ACT and try to become what she thinks this guy wants her to be, an play it cool. How long can this go on for? Soon enough, she will get fed up by his non-reciprocation again and the whole thing will go bust. That is, if he even contacts her again which I very much doubt.
Janesays Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Personally, I think your friend dropped the ball and she should just accept that and move on. I would have interpreted her actions as creepy and it looks like the guy does now too. No one wants to date a creep. The good thing about this situation is that this guy isn't the be all, end all of men. And she could use this as a learning experience so she can develop more confidence and self control.
venusianx13 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 While your friend may not have behaved in the wisest way with this man, he sounds pretty emotionally unavailable. Back when I was dating around, I met a guy who sounds somewhat like this man. After our date, he spent all weekend initiating texts and wanted to add me to chat, facebook, etc. A couple of days later, I caught him at a bad time when I sent him a friendly IM on chat...he responded with something pretty angry and defensive. I decided it might be time to google his name and came to find that he had a history of abuse and infidelity. Thank goodness I found that out before our second date. In all honesty, this guy sounds like a loose canon, even though your friend could have played it better than she did. 1
The Way I Am Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 How long should she leave it with out contacting him? Second on "forever". For her own benefit, she should just assume it's over rather than wait for a call that may not come. That's why I suggest dating other guys and keeping busy. If he does call, it'll be a pleasant surprise. If it's been a week or two and he hasn't, hopefully she'll have moved on and won't notice.
veggirl Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I think your friend got way too attached after only 2 dates. I mean he doesn't call her one night and she immediately tells him if he is not interested to just tell her? That is combative and presumtuous and reeks of clingy/needy. And now, after telling him she is "not like that" (agreed with TBF, she IS like that), she continues to chase him and he only responds if she initiates. She absolutely needs to not contact him. Honestly it's probably too late to fix this, it would probably be in her best interest to assume it is over and try to be less insecure/clingy next time.
KatZee Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Your friend is not going to like my opinion. She should make it a rule to never send "Are you alive?" texts. The people sending them always think they're being cute, the receiver always thinks they're creepy and needy. Same goes for the "if you're not interested any more, just let me know" text. The sender thinks they're being confident and casual. The receiver reads desperation and insecurity. It's hard to say what exactly happened with the guy. He may have lost interest or he may have just become very busy. Without those texts, she might have been able to figure out which it was based on his actions. But with the texts, he's definitely not interested. Now all she can do is stop contacting the guy and see if he comes back around. Yep... agreed. With all of this. The second I read, "she sent a text saying 'are you alive?'" and I cringed. They had been on two dates previously, not enough for her to begin worrying about him. He's a grown man, so he can handle himself. He could have been busy with friends, work, family... he has a life outside of her, and she seems to have skipped over that fact. I think she scared him away with the constant texting after not hearing from him. In his mind he's thinking, "Holy crap it's been two dates and she's already acting this way... how is she going to be acting after a month? Or if I become her SERIOUS boyfriend?" There's a whole set of rules that need to be followed when you begin dating someone and someone can easily mess it up with a certain set of behaviors. She should have just waited for him to contact her. She shouldn't have sent the "are you alive" texts, and she most certainly shouldn't have followed up with those 2-3 other texts, plus phone calls. That SCREAMS needy. I don't think she should send any other texts, or call him again for that matter. She's already done enough, and to now apologize or dwell on her mistake will look kind of desperate. She should just see if he contacts her ever again. 2
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