Mavsman1129 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 Okay guys, So im new to this so please excuse my vocab and puncuations. Ive been dating this girl for about three and a half years and she might not be perfect but shes great for me. Shes super smart, dedicated, religous, and she just a strong women. An me im pretty much the same maybe not as smart or as strong. Especially this last week or so man im tired of waking up sobbing everynight. Okay me and my girl met at school im 26 and she is 22 now. I still live with my mom and thats a big issue i know. I just wanted to make sure all my bills are paid off before i move into a place since my mom and dad are okay with me there. My girl is very religous she still is a virgin and we've done almost all you can do besides you know. I think im her only partner thats gone that far with her. Im not a virgin i try my hardest not to pressure her but there are times when idk i need my needs to. Her mother is very strick and she raised my girl by her self trhough a horriable divorce. Her mom and her got in a huge fight after we were dating for six months. An she got kicked out and i guess i was the first person she called and i was at the movies. I answered and told her i'd be right on the way to go get her. An so I did. At first we were all into eachother but i dont know i guess the lack of sexual intercorse made me i dont want to say lazy but less focused on her. I shouldnt of done that but i did. So i when things were down i'd play on the computer world of warcraft or similar games. Nerd<<<< lol. An i took time from us to be with the computer. Idk for sure but everyone would ask why dont ya get married and idk i just never asked her because she would always give me this you got to have your bachelor's degree, know spanish, know how to dance, and all this other crap. So i just never asked her, never felt like i could fill what she wanted. During this whole time i tryed to help set her on her feet that way she could become more independent. I brought her a car, a nice macbook, helped pay for her apt (she has an apt but would never stay there i guess becasue of me she had it for about two years. I would of went there if she asked but she said its not religous for us to live together, but she was pretty much living with me i dont know i just could never put that in her head. She just waned me to be the man of the house i guess), im helping send her to washington to see the inaugeration speach. I've done alot for her so i just thought she always had my back and would never cheat on me or do me wrong. I woke up one night about a month ago because my girl got a text from her girlfriend saying i know hes fine. I looked into it an she was asking her frined have you seen this guy. Thats what she wrote back. So things keep going okay between us and last week we got into an argument because she was supposed to be working and i was going to put new matress upstairs and she flipped out. Why does your family always got to be in our buisness and im very family oriented and her i guess she's not. An we just argued and argued and finally she said she needs some space and she left to her apt. I hated it but i didnt chase her, i wanted to give her the space that she wanted. That all happend last week on tuesday, wendesday, and thursday i'd call her past 7pm and i'd even text her and she'd never answer her phone and she'd maybe text me about four five times till the next day. So on Thursday(I never do this its idk a shame to my pride i guess) I drove to her apt and i see her with this guy and there talking by his car. An idk i flipped out why is she not asnwer my calls to be with this guy. I told her wtf is this. She said nothing hes my frined. I never once heard of this friend she had. An i storm off mad but i drive back and tell that guy to get the hell out of here. Which he did and she just kept saying she's allowed to have friends and im cool with that but just tell me something. So I end up finding out the next day that he kissed her and she didnt kiss him back. An it just crushed when she told me that. It was the same guy that she was talkin to her frined about. This guy is spanish and i dont know it just seems like a guy she'd go for. She says that he also asked her to lunch before and she went. Which im not okay with cause i get asked that an i tell the girls no cause i know my girl is very insecure. Then she said that night she invited alot of people over except me and he was the only one that went. Does the story sound B.S.? Idk guys/gals i been seeing these how to get your ex back sites and they say use no contact and i just cant do it. Im a panzi i guess. I've been heart broken since i dnt think she would have sex with him because she didnt do it with me after almost four years. I just felt like i took forever to ask her to marry me. An all she tells me is things i did wrong and how she loves me. I can bearly eat im just going through a very rough time. I was going through a rough time when i called her cause i missed her i wanted her back and to see her with another guy and to find out she kissed him. It kills me man. If she wanted to do that she should of broke up with me and did it. We hung out the very next day and she said she will never see him again and she was crying bad that she's so sorry. He shouldnt of been there i just was never there for her. But she started this new job working 45 hours a week and i work the same but idk i never resorted to that. We hung out saturday and its like we talk and talk and nothing gets solved. It seems like she lost all hope in us. The way she talks its just sad.She told me she thinks that we should stay how we are and get serious when i get an apt. On Saturday she told me maybe we should break up and i told her if thats what she wants then thats what we got to do. But i told her if its over now then its over for good and she wasnt sure what she wanted. We hung out yesterday and ive been horiable man i told her let me look through your phone so i know your not doing nothng wrong and she couldnt show me. I told her if you care about our relationship and getting my trust back show me. She couldnt still. She promises me all this that she wont see him but it seems like im the one makin her make the promises and i want her to tell me stuff like baby i promise it will never happen agian or just make me feel good. We agreed to stay exclusive to eachother like were together but were working through things. Later on that day we just kept arguing and arguing and idk one thing led to another and i put my arm on her and she smiled like crazy man idk if it was for what i want or just cause i forgave her kinda. We ended up going to her apt and watching a movie. I told her if we can put both of our phones on the coffee table that way we know if anyone is trying to get ahold of the other. She didnt want to but she did it. We ended up kissing (i know way to soon but i miss the girl and i want her back) and she said this is what she alaways wanted form me. That was yesterday in the middle of the night i kept thinking she was with him and thats all i've been thinking of. I had this girls back through everything when no one wanted her to now. I should of paid more attention but I just didnt. I told her today after all crying "if you want us to work this is whats going to happen if i ask to look through your phone you will show me no questions asked. This wont be forever but until i get your trust back. An you will change your number that way i dont have to worry about that guy textin or calling you. She agreed. But idk guys im not with her right now and she took a nap and all i can think is she's with him. Im tired of being this control freak just cause my trust is gone. Whats your opinion on this relationship, please be as brutally honest as you can cause i'd prefer that Now its like when i talk to her all i do is smother her and i want to see her, but i dont feel the same way from her and it makes me feel like crap.
Am313 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 If you want the brutally honest truth.... You should dump her. Or in the very least, take some time away from her for yourself. I guarantee you things will get much worse if you're around right now. She's I'm recovery mode, she got freaked out and thought she would lose you, but now you're controlling and you don't trust her. Rightfully so, but she's only going to be ok with it for so long, until she feels smothered, untrusted, and inevitably unloved. Then you're dumped, and she'll have someone else lined up immediately. Fact of the matter is, she had him lined up while she was with you. She was physically attracted to him and she let it go to far. There are WAYYYYY too many women out there who screw over really good guys. The ones that are always there for them, the ones that support them, the ones care the most. Those women need to chase something, they will always be that way. At the very least, take A LOT of time away from her to get your head together. Just tell her she screwed things up really bad and you need time to yourself. But don't be surprised if you break up soon.
Author Mavsman1129 Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Hey man thanks I think your right i just dont want to admit it man. Like a idiot i told her how she was my soul mate an idk man i got in a acciddent and a guy died. An at the time i was lonely and then she came to feel the voids. An i pretty much told her that. Do you see us working out from what i wrote in the big post? Now she's textin me not being with u has helped me stay focus and on tract cuz i dnt gotta worry about all the junk ur mom cooks. When she had no where to eat cause her mom kicked her out my mom gave her food with no rent. Love suck lol What do i do brother? do i stop talking to her and make her chase me, which she proably wont she prob go with sancho.
Am313 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 I hate reading your post because it sounds somewhat similar to me and my ex.....Not much, but there are similarities. I'm going through a breakup now, the 3rd with a woman who I love very much. When we met I didn't want a relationship at all. I had feelings but I didn't want to be with her. I blew my knee out and lost my job. She was there for me. But not because she cared for me (not saying she didn't) but because she had feelings for me. I bonded with her, I fell in love with her. She became my lover and best friend. Inevitably I had to make her chase me again. This turned into a series of games which resulted in constant fights and breakups. We are both emotionally drained. She has (or is) moving on, and I am trying, know that I need to and I'm certain I'm better off without her but I can't. My biggest issue the entire relationship? Why I felt I needed her to chase me again? Trust. I did not trust her. Not because of my own insecurities but because of things she did similar to what yours did (albeit not when we were officially committed). I became passively aggressively controlling and possessive. It ruined our relationship.* Wow.....I've never actually admitted that before. Anyways, you don't want to find yourself in a series of games. I told her needed space awhile back and I GENUINELY meant it and NEEDED IT, because I really did love her but needed to work out my own issues. The point is that you GENUINELY need time to yourself to recoup. You need to be on your own and do your thing. You need to relax, and eventually you will be able to think clearly. Unfortunately I did not do that and went right back because I missed her. That's what you don't want.* Take time to yourself. You don't need to give her a long dramatic speech, just that you need to take time by yourself and think about things and its WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU. That's what's most important, that you're doing what's best for you. As far as the odds of your being a relationship being a success, I don't know. I'd love to tell you that everything will work out (and I really hope it does!) but I can't tell you what you want to hear, and it wouldn't do any good. This is life, this is reality. It sucks, but it is what it is.* You've got to figure out if you're strong enough to deal with the future with her. Truth is, she was the one that put you in this position. She very badly damaged your relationship by doing what she did. You have to do what's best for you; not her, not your relationship, but you.
Author Mavsman1129 Posted August 28, 2012 Author Posted August 28, 2012 Well today I was thinking when I was leaving her apt on sat an she said maybe we should break up. I been kidding my self into saying I'm a change and I love u so much and will get through it. Well that's been eating at me cause if she didn't want it why would she say it. She always tells me all she wants me to do is show her I love her and that's all I been doing or trying. So I called her today and told her ablut the think you said I think we should do that. An she didn't seem to bad or anything about it. Then I texted her I think it's a good idea what u wanted we don't need to spend time together and I'm sorry for who I was and how I treated you. Maybe sometime down the road we can be friends. An she texted back if I think it's a good idea and I said will see. An haven't really texted her since. I'm trying to get it to where she wants me and is chasing me but with the other guy probably still in the picture I doubt it will happen. What do you think? I can't tell her let me see your phone everytime I see her I can't tell her to change her number like I did cause in the end she's gonna still find ways around it. I don't understand no contact rule to much. Do I ignore when she calls and texts or just don't initiate conversations?
Am313 Posted August 28, 2012 Posted August 28, 2012 (edited) Ignore until she makes it clear she wants a relationship with you AND you want one with her AND the both of can move past her cheating. No contact is for you to get your head together. I would love it if my ex would call but I'm staying no contact because if don't I will not be ok, I won't heal, I won't get to a better place. The fact of the matter is she cheated on you, and no matter what the reason cheating is NEVER ok. No contact is what you need to do, for you. Embrace the pain, eventually it will go away. You'll miss her, it's natural, but don't let it consume you. You need o heal from WHAT SHE DID TO THE RELATIONSHIP. You'll know when your head is in the right place. It's going to be up to you if you can be with her. The fact of the matter is that if she decides to start a relationship with the other guy, it's not because you are taking space, its because she wants to regardless. If she starts something with him, it was inevitable, whether or not you break up, whether or not you take space. Make sense? It sucks, it sucks a lot. But this is what she did to you. Embrace that, understand it, she did this. She cheated. She was with someone else. She betrayed your trust, she betrayed you, she betrayed your relationship. She will feel the sting, too. One day, soon enough she'll regret what she did because you won't be there. She will not regret it, she won't learn from it if you're around and you take her back. Ignore her, don't talk to her. And if she starts something with this guy, then she's a piece of **** and not good enough for you. Again, ignore, do not talk to her. From this moment on no contact whatsoever. Don't go to her house, if you have stuff there, leave it. No calls, no texts, no emails, no nothing. Don't "run into her", if you see her coming go the other way. From this moment on, don't say a single word to her. You do not exist for her. Let her experience life without you. Edited August 28, 2012 by Am313
Author Mavsman1129 Posted August 29, 2012 Author Posted August 29, 2012 Okay man, Im going to start that. I told her i cant keep doing this and figure out what u want. I was doing so good i started it today earlier but i gave in. She was saying she missed me and loved me but i should of kept going. I dont know when to give in and start texting her back. What if she says Okay im ready for us to move forward. Then what i come like a doormat so she can walk over. Just the fact that she chose another guy eats at you. You do so much for someone adn you get this. Dude thanks for all this help your the only one lol. How u holding up?
Am313 Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 You don't know when to give in and text her back? You text her back when you feel like you're not giving in by texting her. Man, if you have that mindset then you're not ready. You need to get a clear head and remove yourself from the relationship. You're taking a break. You have to ask yourself these questions: 1. Are you able to move past her cheating? 2. Are you able to trust her? 3. Are you able deal with the insecurities and jealousy that can come with cheating? 4. Are you able to set reasonable and fair boundaries AND be firm with them If you answered no to any of those questions then you're not ready to talk to her. And honestly, you may never be able to answer yes to those questions. You don't need to say anything else to her, just stop talking. Eventually she may corner you and make you talk, but you have to be clear: You're not ok with her cheating, you're re-evaluating the relationship, and you need to be by yourself. It really is that simple.
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